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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to be considerate towards her sibling?

106 replies

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 03/03/2019 22:07

DD is 11 and DS is 14 months (there are two more siblings in between.) DS has been walking since he was 9 months old, so it's not new news. However, I constantly have to deal with situations that arise because of DDs thoughtlessness. She will leave Lego/sharpies/coins/batteries on the floor that I then have to prise off DS, usually resulting in tears. Despite repeated reminders she keeps leaving the stair gate open, meaning I always have to be on extra high alert and repeatedly remove him from the stairs - again causing tears. She has also left it open at the top and I only just managed to catch him before he fell.

She will chase him on paths despite me asking her to do it only on grass because he's likely to trip. She will be walking holding hands with him then decide to let go and cross the road, with no thought that he'll try and follow her. Pretty much every time she has a shower, she'll leave the bathroom before drying, getting all of the kitchen tiles soaking wet which then causes DS to slip and hurt himself. She just doesn't seem to give a shit that she causes him to get upset/hurt repeatedly and seems to think I should carry him 24/7 so she can continue to do whatever she likes.

She actually adores him and is always chatting to and playing with him but just can't seem to be considerate. AIBU to expect her to be?

OP posts:
EmperorBallpitine · 03/03/2019 22:10

At 11 I would be having stern words. Don't hold back. Her inconsiderate behavior could cause the baby to die or be seriously injured. Tell her that.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2019 22:11

Of course you're not unreasonable. At 11 she should be more responsible. What are the consequences of her actions?

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/03/2019 22:13

She's the oldest of four? I'd assume attention seeking TBH.

How much time of yours does she get to herself?

GoGoGadgetGin · 03/03/2019 22:14

And how much responsibility does she have for her siblings?

Armadillostoes · 03/03/2019 22:14

I actually disagree. You chose to have a baby/toddler, she did not. She sounds like she is thoughtless rather than malicious. Probably a more supportive/positive approach would be better than nagging. If you aren't careful you will cause her to resent her youngest sibling.

GoGoGadgetGin · 03/03/2019 22:15

The Lego/sharpies/coins/batteries are they hers or does she have the task of keeping the younger sibs stuff tidy?

llangennith · 03/03/2019 22:15

I actually disagree. You chose to have a baby/toddler, she did not. She sounds like she is thoughtless rather than malicious. Probably a more supportive/positive approach would be better than nagging. If you aren't careful you will cause her to resent her youngest sibling.

^
This

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 03/03/2019 22:26

She doesn't have any responsibility for her siblings. If she leaves things lying around, I remove them. She will apologise (begrudgingly) but it doesn't stop it happening again.

What's a supportive approach to leaving the stair gate open/getting the floor soaking so he slips?

OP posts:
riotlady · 03/03/2019 22:26

Honestly I was really thoughtless and forgetful at that age too. It must be really frustrating but it doesn’t sound like she’s doing it maliciously. I agree with pp that support is better than nagging- can you laminate a sign to go on the bathroom door reminding people to dry the floor? Has she got somewhere of her own where she can leave her sharpies eg. A desk? Maybe stop letting her hold his hand out and about for now until she’s a little bit more responsible.

BartonHollow · 03/03/2019 22:29

Agree completely with Armadillo and would even go further that I wonder if you would have the same expectation if it was an 11 yo DS being careless with items

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/03/2019 22:32

What ages are the other kids? I just wonder if she has never had to be responsible around them so she doesn't get what the big deal is and why suddenly things(that she has always done?) are different.

Pinkkahori · 03/03/2019 22:36

I think you need to be careful. Yes, dd should be learning to be more considerate but i have siblings more than 10 years younger and it was very difficult.
My mother expected us to be responsible and grown up all the time.
When I think about that time all I remember is my mother complaining and criticizing.
As a parent now I can see that she was under a lot of pressure and needed some help but honestly it was awful.
I never held it against my young siblings though and we are very close now.

TBDO · 03/03/2019 22:39

I doubt she is being malicious, simply thoughtless and perhaps escapes on her head to her own world if she lives in a busy household.

How much time does she get with you one-to/one? With three younger siblings, are you expecting more of her than you ought to?

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 03/03/2019 22:43

riotlady I remind her every time as she's going into the shower that she needs to dry herself before leaving the bathroom. Unless I physically stay there to stop her leaving until she's dry, she comes out dripping wet and gets the floor soaked. She can't have forgotten in such a short space of time, she just cares more about her preference of getting dressed in the front room than she does about DS getting hurt.

Yes, she has a desk where can keep things safely and her bedroom door is always shut so DS can't go in so she could leave them on her own floor if she wanted, but she leaves them lying around downstairs instead.

The other DC are 3 and 5 so she knows the drill with safety. She was thoughtless with them too but obviously she was younger then so it was more excusable but now it just seems very self-centred behaviour.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 03/03/2019 22:44

Armadillostoes
I actually disagree. You chose to have a baby/toddler, she did not. She sounds like she is thoughtless rather than malicious. Probably a more supportive/positive approach would be better than nagging. If you aren't careful you will cause her to resent her youngest sibling.

I'm going with this ^ as well.

It might be worth remembering that she is just a child.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 03/03/2019 22:46

I'm a lone parent to the younger 3 (DD sees her dad EOW) so one on one time is difficult. However, I have tried making time when the others are in bed but she will often act thoughtlessly (squeaking the dogs toys and making him bark) and wake them.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 03/03/2019 22:50

Boney the other two DC are over half her age yet can remember to shut the stair gate. I'm not asking her to take full responsibility for DS, but surely basic safety measures aren't too much to ask?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2019 22:50

When she leaves things lying around, why don't you take them from her? You make no mention of the consequences she faces when she disobeys you. Without punishment, what motivation does she have to follow direction?

Pinkkahori · 03/03/2019 22:51

Could it be she is acting babyish for attention? Maybe in her mind baby=attention.
I'd try to catch her doing right rather than wrong and praise, praise, praise.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/03/2019 22:53

She was thoughtless with them too but obviously she was younger then so it was more excusable but now it just seems very self-centred behaviour

Then she's just doing what she knows and what was fine before. Try and think of your normal behaviours and then someone told you tomorrow it all has to stop,it's unsafe,selfish and thoughtless. As an adult you could probably rationalise that and try to change,but how easy and immediate it would be?

Can you praise her when she is being thoughtful and caring towards DS? Lots of attention and be specific like "thank you for walking so nicely and holding his hand", "well done for putting x away" etc.
All the dangers you worry about probably go right over her head and she thinks you're exaggerating.

Start small with the demands(I know it's hard, and even harder when she "should know better"). So for example focus on the child gate first, it needs shutting, reminded why, give her another reminder,check she's done it,praise when she does do it etc.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/03/2019 22:54

Maybe she is struggling with things.You have a young baby and a very challenging 3 year old. She maybe feeling pushed to one side, or you could be expecting her to be more grown up than she is.

Pinkkahori · 03/03/2019 22:55

Also, tell her how much help she is and how much you appreciate her.
My mother always treated my older sister and i like we owed her unlimited child minding, housework etc. and was never grateful.
Everyone in a family needs to pull their weight but according to their age. Don't make the mistake of treating her as another adult.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 03/03/2019 23:02

She isn't any help though, Pinkkahori. I don't expect her to help - I just don't want her to put him in danger, which I don't think is too much to ask.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 03/03/2019 23:08

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed

She is a child and all children are different.

She was thoughtless with them too but obviously she was younger then so it was more excusable but now it just seems very self-centred behaviour.

So she hasn't changed, its just your perception of her that has.

BlueSkiesLies · 03/03/2019 23:08

Hard one.

Doesn’t seem like she is doing anything especially different to most 11 year olds. You want her to have a ‘mother’s’ level of safety/risk about everything.

Start with the big things - stair gate. Also no small things on the floor in shared spaces.

The chasing and holding hands thing - she’s only a kid herself - you need to keep and eye out and dive in when something dangerous is about to happen.

I wonder why you’re getting your eldest to walk your youngest though? Shouldn’t you be holding his hand by busy roads?!