To expect DD to be considerate towards her sibling?

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

DD is 11 and DS is 14 months (there are two more siblings in between.) DS has been walking since he was 9 months old, so it's not new news. However, I constantly have to deal with situations that arise because of DDs thoughtlessness. She will leave Lego/sharpies/coins/batteries on the floor that I then have to prise off DS, usually resulting in tears. Despite repeated reminders she keeps leaving the stair gate open, meaning I always have to be on extra high alert and repeatedly remove him from the stairs - again causing tears. She has also left it open at the top and I only just managed to catch him before he fell.

She will chase him on paths despite me asking her to do it only on grass because he's likely to trip. She will be walking holding hands with him then decide to let go and cross the road, with no thought that he'll try and follow her. Pretty much every time she has a shower, she'll leave the bathroom before drying, getting all of the kitchen tiles soaking wet which then causes DS to slip and hurt himself. She just doesn't seem to give a shit that she causes him to get upset/hurt repeatedly and seems to think I should carry him 24/7 so she can continue to do whatever she likes.

She actually adores him and is always chatting to and playing with him but just can't seem to be considerate. AIBU to expect her to be?

I realise she might not seem to be any help now but if you praise her when she plays with him and entertains him, however briefly, she will feel good and it might make it easier to get the message to sink in.

And if you keep telling her that she is "thoughtless" and "no help" without any of the good stuff it will become a self fulfilling prophecy and drive a wedge between you.

Personally I am somewhat surprised that you haven't used the word useless as well as it tends to follow the first two.

She sounds like a totally normal, thoughtless 11 year old to me tbh.

I'm not getting her to walk him or letting her walk him near busy roads

She wants to walk with him and asks to do so, I agree on quiet roads.

If you really think about it are there times in the day when you ask her to watch him while you run out to put washing on the line, get dinner started, pop to the bathroom or anything like that?

Do you think she feels a bit "other"? Do they all have the same dad? Is DD the only one who leaves to see the other parent?

And, although I know it might not sound like it, I am sympathetic to your situation. Being on your own with the mix of ages you have can't be easy.

Towelling bathrobes were a game-changer for the wet bathroom floor here. There’s no need for a towel. Lazy teen/distracted pre-teen will love it and be effortlessly dry very quickly. They’re not as easy to find as you might expect but Vertbaudet, La Redoute or Dunelm can usually provide. Also, depending on the size of your bathroom, 2 bath mats. You’re not being unreasonable but you need to help her succeed at this.

@helenlabloodyannoyed
I think 11 is old enough to learn responsibility, nearly high school age. Why don't you give her some chores with pocket money at end of week? 11 is not a little child, she must know basic safety things.
Also why at 11 is she getting dried in the front room?

I just don't want her to put him in danger, which I don't think is too much to ask.
But it is to much to ask, clearly.
I would be pleased that she wants to spend time with him, playing etc.
She didn't ask to have him, and you're expecting her to behave very differently all of a sudden (since ds started walking).
I think you need to find other ways to keep Ds safe. So keep him with you, in the same room, so he can't toddle off and pick up her things.
You could still ask her to pick up after herself, but it would be done from a tidyness perspective, not a safety one and that attitude is very different.
Same with the wet floor, you know she's likely to come out wet, so keep Ds safe while she's showering, then just calmly ask her to wipe up the wet floor.

I definitely don't ask her to watch him at any point - I couldn't trust her to.

The downstairs is fairly open plan so I can't shut DS in with me, but I don't think I should have to anyway. He's been walking for 7 months now, she knows she shouldn't leave dangerous things lying around, her younger siblings can manage not to - why should DS have to be confined because a perfectly capable of remembering sibling chooses not to have some consideration for him?

Yes, she is the only one that goes away to see her dad. She gloats about this to her siblings. I realise it's most likely a defence mechanism but she dominates the house when she's home so I don't think she feels out of place at all.

Hmm, it could be that. Or it could be that she's a forgetful 11 year old.

I honestly don't know how my 12 year old ds functions sometimes he's such an airhead!

she needs to come back and dry the floor when she gets it wet. that will remind her a few times. natural consequences.

thinsgs she leaves on thefloor get confiscated.

praise her for doing good things, if she shuts the stair gate once make a fuss of that time, she may do it again.

(ex is very much the same, as a grown up, drove me batshit)

She gloats to her much younger siblings about her dad? That's pretty nasty, makes me wonder if her behaviour towards your DS is deliberate.

Sorry but forgetting the walking baby here, her behaviour Is not acceptable for an 11 year old.

You repeatedly ‘telling her’ isn’t working, sorry op but you need to put your foot down if you want to see a change.

No she didn’t choose to have a baby, however the baby is there now and she is part of that household and therefore must’ve abide by the rules of the house.

I’d be ensuring the next time she soaks the kitchen or leaves Lego on the floor (which could hurt anybody baring in mind) that she was punished proportionally (things taken off her) until i was sure she wouldn’t do it again. Maybe giving her a proper telling off is a start, talking clearly doesn’t work.

I can never understand how people justify actions of children pls enough to know they’re wrong by blaming the parent and saying they need to be more supportive. Only be more ‘supportive’ by praising her for not being careless and drying herself in the bathroom as she’s been told for the last 5 months?

Surely to god ‘supporting’ her more (don’t know how) is just allowing her behaviour to continue without consequences (a huge never ending cycle) she’s not naught, just inconsiderate and ignorant, which would annoy me more.

People would react differently if the baby fell head first down the stairs due to her leaving the stair gate open? 10 years old- old enough to be prosecuted , old enough to know their actions have consequences!

Eleven year olds are not responsible enough to look after babies. They're often thoughtless and a bit self-centred and forgetful. That's being eleven.

She should be trying her best to remember things, but constantly having to worry about the safety of a baby is too much.

I would focus on the key issues. Maybe the stair gate and not leaving things on the carpet. Praise her every time she does the right thing. Have a consequence in place when she does the wrong thing.

Is she forgetful with other things/clumsy? How is she at school? Does she manage to sort out her school bag etc?

Also maybe she feels a bit put out. She was an only child for 6 years, then you had 3 children with another dad in very quick succession. That must be quite hard for her. She may gloat that she is going to her dad’s, but her 3 siblings get all your attention then. She never fully gets one on one time with you, as she has to be careful in the evening not to wake the younger ones up. Maybe she feels they come as a package, so to speak, and she is an outsider.

I could be way off base here, but to me she sounds angry and I would suspect her behaviour is deliberate.

She sounds pretty normal to me. I think it sounds tough for her, and your posts don't sound very positive about her.

I agree with Stompy. People are good at picking up subconscious treatment of them. I bet she's feeling your frustration with her and doesn't understand. Perhaps you could change tact. Instead of telling her to do this and that, tell her you really need her help. Make her feel important not a problem - which I bet is what she's feeling ATM. It's all about the baby, never about her. So change how you approach her. Lectures never work, punishment will build resentment. Make it a positive environment where you can thank her for being so considerate and making your life easier. You'll both be happier.

I actually disagree with a lot of posters, she simply has to pickup after herself and not leave a wet trail after having a shower, oh and shutting a stair gate... They're just really basic things so I'd start implementing some consequences if can't make a minimal effort- so come back and wipe the floor every time. Anything left on the floor she doesn't get back until she starts not leaving wherever. With the stairgate I'd just remove a privilege or something.

And if she does remember, then I'd let her stay another 20 min with you or something she'd really enjoy. I'd also make sure any kind behaviour is noticed and she gets praised for it.

I wouldn't however let her hold the little one's hand and I'd explain (nicely) why it's unsafe. Maybe explain she can hold his hand as long as she walks next to you so you can intervene if needed.

If you take your DS out of the situation, would you say that your DD is forgetful at other times?

Does she manage OK at school? I just wondered if she showed signs of being a bit dreamy, or finding it difficult to organise herself generally.

Why do you allow the 11 year old to change in the front room when she has her own bedroom? Make her change in her bedroom. In fact start making the 5 year old change upstairs as well. Then the 3 year old will copy.

Also expect bathroom floors to be wet when your children use it.

So let her have her shower, ensure she gets changed in her room, then you go and check the bathroom and call her back in and tell her that to dry the floor. If the other children see you do this make them "help". Keep doing this until she (and they) realise that they cannot leave the floor wet.

She is 11 still very young she is just being thoughtless.