AIBU to think that Quora is endorsing domestic violence?

[FizzAfterSix]

I was reading a thread on Quora about John Lennon and the thorny subject of his alleged domestic violence to both his wives came up.

I just couldn’t believe it when commentators started excusing domestic violence because he `might’ have had bipolar or some unspecified mental illness. And then a commentator wrote:

`I’m not ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force if she hit me. You’re a woman and you should know because you asked for it….its called equality’

Maybe I have too much time on my hands but as a victim of DV myself this really got my goat and I replied:

`Wow. Women are physically weaker than men so if you hit a woman 'with equal force' you'd probably kill her.

You sound like a disgusting wife beater trying to justify male abuse. Pathetic’.

OK, I apologise for using strong words like, um, pathetic, but I was even more shocked to get a poncy email from Quora telling me off.

Hello,
We recently found some of your content that violates Quora's Be Nice, Be Respectful policy (See What is Quora's "Be Nice, Be Respectful" policy?).

Please keep this policy in mind when interacting with other people on Quora. If you continue posting content that violates this policy, you may be banned from using Quora. For more information, see: How do I appeal a Quora Moderation decision?

AIBU unreasonable to be thoroughly pissed off that Quora objected to my pretty mild language responding to a commentator sanctifying domestic abuse? Why is it that I am being accused of not being nice’ and respectful’ when surely they should be going after a man who boasts about not being `ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force…’ etc etc.

It’s horrifying that 50,000 women a year are killed by their partners (according to a UN report in 2018) and extraordinary that mainstream social media sites are just compounding the problem like this.

This is a link to the thread:
www.quora.com/Was-John-Lennon-really-a-jerk/answer/Artie-DeMonte/comment/49823696

Nobodys making DV a sexist issue of toxic masculinity helps nobody
It is, totally, a gendered misogynistic issue.

I agree with OP that the way that pp spoke about hitting a women didn't sound at all like defence, but totally like tit-for-tat as Hellenback said.

He was making a predetermined and measured strike. It's unlikely a woman does have the same weight behind a hit punch, or push...or even the same width and thickness of hand to punch with.

There isn't equality, there can't be, because of the obvious differences,but there should be equality of opportunity.

Also ...not hitting back has absolutely nothing to do with 'a man won't hit back'. The reason for not hitting back is the same as women won't leave, etc. A man whos experiencing DA is feeling intimidated and humiliated and scared, you don't try to exacerbate a scarey situation!!

I don't think we can talk about dv in both sexes, in the same way. There are 100 calls per hour to police from women being attacked reporting dv.

Smotheroffive you are wrong. Yes men suffer humiliation and physiological damage from DV have said that before.

But women who hit men, often do it safe in the knowledge that the man wont hit back. Yes the emotional side of the abuse impacts that.

In my example above, the woman handing out the violence knew that her husband absolutely would never retaliate. His father hit his SM a few times and it turned his stomach and she knew he wouldn't hit her because he would hate himself.

Abusers look at who their are abusing and look at how to control that person. How they assert that control differs all the time. To say that female abuser, hits knowing that she wont be hit back is wrong. Males abuse people they know wont retaliate.

And yes, I agree, that its 2 cinverstatoons but we need to find a way to run those conversations side by side. This is an issue that needs to be stopped for all victims.

There are 100 calls per hour to police from women being attacked reporting dv

I dont think that's proof of anything. It's well known that abuse of males is very under reported.

My gut feeling, is that there will be a rise in men reporting it in the next few years.

Nope sorry, that's wrong. Male abuse is entirely different, and gendered because its mysogynistic and thrives in a patriarchal society.

The original case quoted was a tatfortat and totally unrelated to a dv ssituation but a man telling a forum he would hit a woman straight back with equal force.

It's quite a weird and aggressive thing to say, but then we don't have the benefit of the full thread for context.

It certainly wouldn't be my reaction to hit a man straight back that hit me, neither would it be most women's.

Men don't choose women who won't fight back. God there is so much incorrect nonsense being spouted on this thread.

Women do end up in fights trying to defend themselves, and they will fight for their DC, and it is very different.

So you don't think that 100 calls per hour is proof of anything

Did another two week get murdered by women ?/ if they did its still by far more likely he was murdered as a result of dv he inflicted on her.

You don't need to worry, men put in loads of false allegations. It's expected. They also frequently aren't happy to DC are moved from the DM either. It's all very lovely.

But...back to the thread..

Never even heard of that other forum, but it doesn't sound great, not something worth pursuing for trying to shut that down!

People are going to disagree with you. Even on topics that you find horrifying. Particularly on the internet.

I would try to find a better use for my time than trying to "clean up" an online forum.

Nope sorry, that's wrong. Male abuse is entirely different, and gendered because its mysogynistic and thrives in a patriarchal society.

Which unfortunately is perpetuated by both genders. Whoih is why it's not just a Male issue. Men are killing their partners. Fixing it requires all of us.

It certainly wouldn't be my reaction to hit a man straight back that hit me, neither would it be most women's.

No many wouldn't, be because the advantage men have is strength. But some would. I dont see you point?

Men don't choose women who won't fight back. God there is so much incorrect nonsense being spouted on this thread.

Yes they do. It's not incorrect. Abusers are well known to seek out partners they know are vulnerable. They dint seek out partners they know wont take their shit when it starts. That's why people end up going from one abusive relationship to the next because they are vulnerable to it. It's about power, they pick people they can have power over.

Women do end up in fights trying to defend themselves, and they will fight for their DC, and it is very different.

I dont get your point. Occasionally an abused woman will fight back. Often they cant even fight back for their DC. The majority of time they dont because their abuser has power over them. That power takes many forms

The 100 calls an hour, isn't proof it's a Male issue. It's a society issue. Women are raising these boys that go into abuse as well.

It's also assuming that all these women are in male/female relationships. That would be as daft as assuming all abused men are abused by female partners

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2017/previous/v1

This link states The majority of victims of domestic homicides recorded between April 2013 and March 2016 were females (70%).

So 30% are Male. We need to tackle it as a whole issue not as separate ones. No one should be dying at the hands of their partner.

You don't need to worry, men put in loads of false allegations. It's expected. They also frequently aren't happy to DC are moved from the DM either. It's all very lovely..

Wow......so we believe women who accuse men of abuse....but assume men are lying?

We believe you only applies to women?

Nope. You can't make me agree.

You are pushing an agenda here.

You cannot ignore that the police are receiving 100 calls an hour from women reporting abuse!
I think it's totally abhorrent that you seem to be laying the blame of male abusers at the door of women also.!!!

Sorry, not seem, you did just blame women for making male abusers. That does just show your ignorance and victim-blaming agenda.

Same.as a women get blamed for fgm, when its the men, even if women do the cutting. You just dont get it.

Fact...men locked up for violent assaults and rape, have repeatedly blamed and accused the woman of abuse and claim themslef to be the victim.

So don't get all wow with me.

I can see the way this women victim blaming is going.

It's disgusting

making DV a sexist issue of toxic masculinity helps nobody

Er, hang on a minute. Men are violent to women severalfold more than women to men. It very much is an issue of toxic masculinity, that's not to say women can't be violent too, but in an absolutely tiny minority. I'm not having "women do this equally". They bloody well don't.

Sorry, not seem, you did just blame women for making male abusers. That does just show your ignorance and victim-blaming agenda.

No I am saying men and women raise men in this ridiculous patriarchy.

That's the issue. We need society to change.....not just men. If you son is an abuser, it doesnt always follow that you were a victim.

We need, as a society, need to break this abuse cycle. For the good of our all out kids. Not just say, well its men that are doing it so they can fix it.

Yes I will get all WOW when only women are being afford the 'we believe you're status.

Some disgusting human being being lied to get out of trouble. Of course they do. People do.

I have a son and a daughter. I dont want either being abused or an abuser. I want this to change for both my children. Not just one. Or sit back and say, well it's a Male issue.

I was abused and the raped. Its not my fault, but I cant sit back and only say one sort of abuse is bad. Or only abuse against women is bad. The whole subject of why so many people think it's ok need to be tackled

I am not going to agree with you either. Because I am not victim blaming. I am saying we all have a part to play.

I'm not having "women do this equally". They bloody well don't.

Good job no one said that then.

It's not equal, and yes, it absolutely is a male issue. We don't blame children for child abuse.

Last time I checked we're weren't living in aa matriarchy...

So yes, the point stands, committed male abusers claim they're the victim, its all part of the pattern of abuse.

So, don't get all WOW, and accuse me.of just rot.

We don't blame children for child abuse.

How is that the same thing?

Men and women raise children who then go on to be abusers. Because we still live in a society where the alpha Male rules. Women, as group, buy into it too. Everyone needs to change and realise this plays part of it.

I am not saying an abused woman is to blame for her abuse.

But as a society, including people who have never been abused, we all hold responsibility to change things.

A child victim, isn't responsible for their abuse or responsible for changing society. They should protected, they dont hold the same responsibilities as adults do. It's our job to change it.

I am sure some Male abusers do accuse their victims of abuse. It doesnt follow that all men accusing a female of abuse is lying. Small amounts of women lie about abuse, it doesnt follow that all women are lying.

Just for the benefit of people who haven’t followed the link. It’s true that 30% of DV homicide victims are men, but of course that doesn’t mean that they’re all being killed by women: most are the victims of other men (romantic partners, fathers or partners’ ex’s). About 12% of domestic homicides involve female killers by my reckoning.

Just for the benefit of people who haven’t followed the link. It’s true that 30% of DV homicide victims are men, but of course that doesn’t mean that they’re all being killed by women

Yes it's definitly worth pointing that out. As I did before. DV is a issue in same sex relationships as well.

And being killed by your girlfriend’s stalker ex partner is a major factor for men (like Ron Goldman) but very rare for women.

I am not sure all of you are aware that domestic violence numbers are not just partner on partner.
It counts in family too so it counts honor killings, fgm and forced marriages.

Sadly the 1 in 4 women carries even into lesbian and bi relationships where 2/3 of abusers are women (considering we are talking about bi too there will obviously be man involved. Even if you take away the third done by men, number is high af).

This makes me ask the question.
Is it gender or is it that one is stronger (not just physically) and one is weaker and the stronger takes advantage of it no matter what gender?

Thank god for @Smotheroffive for coming on this thread and talking some actual sense!

Also I was going to say the same as @FindPrimeLorca ..
Just for the benefit of people who haven’t followed the link. It’s true that 30% of DV homicide victims are men, but of course that doesn’t mean that they’re all being killed by women: most are the victims of other men (romantic partners, fathers or partners’ ex’s). About 12% of domestic homicides involve female killers by my reckoning.

Domestic abuse absolutely is sex based FFS. And that's not to say women can't be abusers too but to deny that there is an issue with male violence and sex based abuse is devastatingly ridiculous and I'm so angry that people are still trying to deflect from that.

"This makes me ask the question.
Is it gender or is it that one is stronger (not just physically) and one is weaker and the stronger takes advantage of it no matter what gender?"

Well it is sex, not gender. But looking at the whole murder rate and violence/abuse of children, then it is Men who commit the most crimes, particularly violent crime.

Women are more in caring roles, but we don't see the same level of violence towards the elderly, children etc by Women, as we do Men.

I've worked in care. I've been attacked by other Women and elderly people. I've been physically stronger.

I'd do what it takes to just make myself safe. I wouldn't think of punching an elderly Woman in the face, because I can. I wouldn't need to, to get away.

Look at the tweet by Derry Mathew's, it's another example of the real feeling towards Women. This Man promotes respect through boxing and teaches Girls how to box. But we are all just Slags to him.

We were getting to a place were DV was finally getting the recognition that it needed.

It's like there's an agenda, disguised as concern for male victims, to have it seen that male violence towards Women isn't that bad, after all.

It's the whole, "what about our homeless", argument, when an appeal for overseas aid comes up, by people who've never give a shit about the homeless and don't want welfare changes.

OP, learn how to get your points across without specific insults. It takes time, but it's effective and you can't be banned.