AIBU to think that Quora is endorsing domestic violence?

[FizzAfterSix]

I was reading a thread on Quora about John Lennon and the thorny subject of his alleged domestic violence to both his wives came up.

I just couldn’t believe it when commentators started excusing domestic violence because he might’ have had bipolar or some unspecified mental illness. And then a commentator wrote:<br /> <br /> I’m not ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force if she hit me. You’re a woman and you should know because you asked for it….its called equality’

Maybe I have too much time on my hands but as a victim of DV myself this really got my goat and I replied:

Wow. Women are physically weaker than men so if you hit a woman 'with equal force' you'd probably kill her.<br /> <br /> You sound like a disgusting wife beater trying to justify male abuse. Pathetic’.<br /> <br /> OK, I apologise for using strong words like, um, pathetic, but I was even more shocked to get a poncy email from Quora telling me off. <br /> <br /> Hello,<br /> We recently found some of your content that violates Quora's Be Nice, Be Respectful policy (See What is Quora's "Be Nice, Be Respectful" policy?).<br /> <br /> Please keep this policy in mind when interacting with other people on Quora. If you continue posting content that violates this policy, you may be banned from using Quora. For more information, see: How do I appeal a Quora Moderation decision?<br /> <br /> AIBU unreasonable to be thoroughly pissed off that Quora objected to my pretty mild language responding to a commentator sanctifying domestic abuse? Why is it that I am being accused of not being nice’ and respectful’ when surely they should be going after a man who boasts about not being ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force…’ etc etc.

It’s horrifying that 50,000 women a year are killed by their partners (according to a UN report in 2018) and extraordinary that mainstream social media sites are just compounding the problem like this.

This is a link to the thread:
www.quora.com/Was-John-Lennon-really-a-jerk/answer/Artie-DeMonte/comment/49823696

[Frecklesonmyarm]

OftenHangry I have said that several times. She doesnt want to understand.

[OftenHangry]

@Frecklesonmyarm I guess. Sometimes there is just no way getting through to ppl, I guess.

You guys have some really great points here.

[Smotheroffive]

Ha ha she doesn't want to understand

No, you're wrong. I completely disagree with you, and I have said that so clearly.

See, more twisting despite my clarity. It is gendered. Please speak to the experts about this rather than trying to twist me into fitting your view of the world.

[Smotheroffive]

I also don't have a problem again, you have asserted that, wrongly accusatory.

[PengAly]

OftenHangry explains it well. Its a shame people cant open their mind a bit more. Serious issues like this remain a problem because of the attirudes displayed in this thread. freckles has the right mind set but it just keeps getting steam rolled

[Smotheroffive]

That's your opinion,and not necessarily 'right' as you 'state'.

Better to defer to the experts, who have been immersed in this for years and know the stats, and the dynamic.

It is important to differentiate VAW from others because of the actual deaths of women and recognise the gender role in that. Please don't deny this and let women down.

[Smotheroffive]

its a shame people can't open their mind a bit more

Another PA insult. Yet another!

[Frecklesonmyarm]

Smotheroffive you cant disagree because you keep getting wrong.

I am not abuse victims HAVE to tackle this. I am saying every person has a responsibility of we want to change it.

You cant answer why men who dont abuse have to change it, if women dont based on the fact it's not many women who abuse.

You think you know what I am saying but you dont. Even though it's been made clear several times. By several people. Either you dont understand or you dont want to.

Abuse victims are not responsible for their abuse. But all of society, need to change for abuse to be tackled. That's it.

[Frecklesonmyarm]

The only person letting women down are the people that think it's not societies problem.

[Frecklesonmyarm]

Ok let's try this.

If I know a woman or man is being abused, ignore it, carry on being friends with the abusive partner, looking the other way.....I, a woman, am part of the wider problem.

I am not responsible for the abuse, but part of the wider problem.

For example, a member of staff who worked in another team, admitted during a meeting he regularly locked his wife in the house. There were other signs he was controlling in what he said about her. Many senior members of staff said it wasnt out business, we would put our business at risk if we reported it and that we couldn't and shouldn't do anything.

I was disgusted. This wank stain of a man, thought his behaviour was fine. Funny even. I reported it. Too look the other way and not get involved is not the right thing to do. He needed to know, it wasnt ok. What he was doing is wrong and people weren't going to laugh away at it.

Too look the other way, is to say it's ok. It doesnt mean you are responsible for the abuse. But you are responsible for own actions relating to it.

[Smotheroffive]

So some more women blame, nice.

Do you believe that women won't support measures to end abuse? Clearly thats not the case, but don't tell me, after twisting my words and name-calling, and make false assertions about what I'm saying, that women won't support change in society.

In a patriarchy it takes men to make that high profile acknowledgement and change.

All the while women are put down they really don't have the power do they, back to the child abuse analogy.

I think I already posted about widespread abuse in education.

Do tell us what women should be doing to make that stop?

Maybe not wear short skirts, or not worry about failing their exams or degrees? There's a power imbalance, if course women will do whatever they can, but its those that hold the power.

You will continue to twist, contort and conflate, tell me I'm wrong, change your argument, name-call, and assert wrongs.

[PengAly]

Smotheroffive you sound very sexist. Do you also deny that there is a serious issue with suicide in young men? Part of the reason is that society make it difficult for them to talk about how they are feeling. I wonder how many of those men were victims of abuse. Honestly, you seem to be the one victim blaming.

[Frecklesonmyarm]

Where have I called you names?

You have accused me of victim blaming, condoning abuse and, now, condoning rape.

Now you are agreeing with me. That women do, work towards ending abuse. Great! Let's keep at it. Let's keep everyone, who can, fighting to end this. To stop it happening to our children.

Women are working towards it, so they clearly believe its not just a mens issue.

And yes, anyone who says 'it's not my problem' arent helping anyone.

[Smotheroffive]

Noones looking the other way, but equally you cannot intervene without putting another woman at higher risk.

Sadly, you can only offer, you cannot intervene, it gets women killed, they have to manage it, and just have knowledge of what's around.

Do you know why women don't manage to escape, or are you one of the 'why doesn't she leave him' brigade?

I wouldn't blame you for not knowing, a lot don't, and that what you are saying above.

I do hope you don't intervene and increase women's risk from their abusers.

You are also coming across as pretty patronising.

Oh the poor dear doesn't understand it, her mind is closed, she's refusing to see, or just can't understand, or deliberately doesn't want to, lets explain it this way for her so she can understand,....

Shit way to treat others.

[OftenHangry]

Bloody hell. English is not even my first language, yet I understand what others are saying...

Do tell us what women should be doing to make that stop?

Cooperate with the rest of the society on changing all this. Men and women need to work on the change together.

Like we all need to work together against terrorism, no matter what religion we are.
Like we all need to work together against racism, no matter what race we are.
Like we all need to work together to help people out of poverty, no matter what social class we are.

NO ONE IS BLAMING WOMEN FOR DV HERE.

[Smotheroffive]

It's the people that are racist that have to effect change. When you have power you can effect change.

It's how it works.

[Frecklesonmyarm]

Do you know why women don't manage to escape, or are you one of the 'why doesn't she leave him' brigade?

No I am not. You are proving your arent even reading my posts. I was abused for 15 years. Finally he raped me. I know why women dont leave. I was one of them.

The woman is question did leave. When I spoke to the police they gave me lots of reassurance. The woman didn't speak English and she and the kids left.

Do you think the police just go barging and arrest the man for DV? Because of the womans situation lots of agencies were involved, including her mosque. Which was the way she ended up leaving.

I discussed this with charities, SS, the mosque and the police before giving her name.

You dont know what you are talking about.

No, the way you are treating me is shit. You have proved you arent even reading the posts. Talk yourself round in circles to the point you actually agree with me, then change you point.

You have accused me of calling you names, I haven't.

You accused me of blaming women for their abuse, I haven't.

You accused me of implying women deserved it for wearing short skirts, I didn't.

You accused me of blaming children for sexual abuse committed against them, I didn't.

And then in the end you agreed with me anyway.

[PengAly]

It's the people that are racist that have to effect change. When you have power you can effect change.

It's how it works.

No, it really isnt how it works. Also whats all this "has power" talk? So you support a society when white men have power? Do you not encourage women to stand up for themselves? If so, thats really bad and im starting to realise why you are struggling so much to understand the points being made. freckles did not insult you nor was she being patrinising.

You are deliberately refusing to listen.

[Frecklesonmyarm]

It's the people that are racist that have to effect change. When you have power you can effect change

So did Martin Luther king not exist? No million man March? No LA Riots? Rosa Parks?

[PengAly]

Frecklesonmyarm i respect the patience you have shown on this thread. Its a waste of time trying to make her understand. That comment about racism just shows the level of ignorance people still have in 2019. What a shame

[OftenHangry]

This is unbelievable.

And this is how the society will eventually completely fail.

[PengAly]

This is unbelievable.

And this is how the society will eventually completely fail.

Couldn't agree more. Society just causes itself to fail.

[Frecklesonmyarm]

i respect the patience you have shown on this thread.

Thank you and thank you and Oftenhangry for your support and understanding I never would ever blame a victim

[BejamNostalgia]

You should have pointed out to them that Lennon himself didn’t try and justify it like they were. He later spoke about his huge remorse and guilt and acknowledged he had behaved appallingly, accepted the blame.

[Smotheroffive]

I don't have to agree. Don't call me ignorant.

I have not name-called you, and have not patronised you, and I have been extremely patient with your name-calling and patronising attitude.

When men stop this happening and women do hold more power society will be able to better address the massacre that is reigned upon women and their children daily.

That doesn't make me ignorant and frankly it's pretty gross to accuse me as being the reason society fails.