WIBU?- Roadside shrines

[Arnoldthecat]

This is more of a ..would i be unreasonable....to not want a roadside shrine directly outside my house/garden gate/in close proximity..?

I may be flamed for this, but I think a lot of shrines are a bit, um, look how much I care! I have to show the world that I am paying tribute to a dead person, No matter how tenuous my link to them was!

Competitive grieving. That's what I meant. Not all people, obvs.

RE cycle helmets, well of course the helmet may not be effective if the incident is a car directly hitting the helmet. However, it’s very useful if you are knocked off your bike and then his head on pavement as a glancing blow. Which can very easily be fatal (a neighbour died crossing the road when he fell back and hit his head on the kerb, rather than from direct impact). My dh was cycling down a hill through a junction when a driver jumped the lights. His bike hit the car and he flew over the car and landed on his (thankfully helmeted) head. Quite the blow, but I have absolutely no doubt (and nor did the A&E docs and police) that he would have died from the secondary impact of head on road if he hadn’t been wearing a helmet.

Whilst I am sorry for your oss Bianca I don't like the roadside shrines. I don't think they are safe for drivers or the people who tend them. The places they are are usually accident blackspots... dangerous spots on a road. Why make them more so? That and I simply do not understand why a cemetary plot and a quiet place to contemplate the life of a loved one is no longer adequate!

This ^.

Or buy a brick in a hospital or some similar charitable act.

Bianca - I do sympathise with your loss but I can't see any advantage in a roadside shrine over a plaque in the Garden of Remembrance. Or, if you are atheist, sponsoring a charity in the name of the person you lost. You will know then that your loss has brought some comfort to others, painful as it is to you. Obviously you feel differently.

Thank you for the link piggy- interesting reading.

Would you be ok with them drilling and screwing a big plastic printed banner to your wall?

Yeah as long as it didn't cause any damage why not - NunoGoncalves

That's just made me laugh so much. About 30 years ago I used to drive through Seven Sisters on the way to Finsbury Park and beyond past a house with a 20ft snail painted on the wall by graffiti 'artistes'. It was a landmark.

I'd give people directions: 'Through Seven Sisters, past the Rainbow, go through the one-way system, keep right and at the bottom of the hill you'll pass a house on your right with a great big fucking snail on it. Carry on.'

It wasn't doing any structural damage, but I wouldn't have wanted to live there. Particularly with people adding stuff to their artwork who wouldn't have taken well to my polite requests to desist and leave me in peace.

Call me a snob. I don't give a shit.

There’s a cellotaph quite close to me though it only accumulates around the anniversary of the poor child’s fatal accident now. It’s on the forecourt of a business and I often wonder if they ever clear it away or if the family, who live locally, do.

The amount will decrease with time, the grave next to DS2 was initially full of tack (i.e. the usual mouldy teddies and plastic) I never minded but remember being really upset at visiting his grave and finding it strewn over his grave after a storm.

As the years have gone on it decreased, then vanished and when I visited last week on his anniversary there was nothing and it looked at bit abandoned which was also sad, especially as DS2’s looked so pretty with spring bulbs, so I gave it a quick tidy.

To be honest, I don’t think the posters wondering if this is a class issue are wrong. I know people find that offensive but just because it offends doesn’t mean it may not possibly be true.

For example, the areas in my town that are deemed “deprived” often have a higher crime rate BUT also there is quite a neighbourly/protective atmosphere. People chatting to neighbours in the streets more, popping in for cups of tea etc. Perhaps it is a natural result of houses being closely packed together? Or the fact there is higher crime? In the rich area, each house has lots of land around it, gates to the drive etc. This separates neighbours a lot more.

What I am trying to say, in a waffley way, is perhaps if deprived areas have more community spirit then perhaps that goes with wishing to express grief more publicly.

Just my own observations of my area though, no fact whatsoever.

limitedperiodonly I don't really get the point of your story or why you found my post funny. There's obviously a difference between letting your house look less perfect because people have lost a loved one and are grieving, vs. because somebody wants to paint some graffiti.

@piggywaspushed is that guidance mandatory or voluntary for local authorities?

It is up to each council but I thinkt he link provides some sensitive food for thought. I know in my area,large memorials are supposed to be removed/ pared back after about 30 days, although, in practice the council often leaves them because they have other fish to fry, I guess. The relatives are certainly kept informed.

I think they're a reminder of untimely death and people don't like to be reminded of death. Some of the posts on here are so snobbish and insensitive.

I am aware of death and don't believe I am a snob for not wanting to mark the passing of my loved ones with plastic tat derxa. From your previous posts I know you are a livestock farmer, so I am surprised you appear to be in favour of litter.

Some deaths were untimely - my family lost a baby at three days. Some were early - I think my dad dying at 72 from Alzheimer's which afflicted him from 68 can be put in that category. Same as my SIL who was just 67 and died of cancer. My mum died at 90 and a half - the half is important - a good age but she could still be with me and I wish she was. Sadly, it wasn't to be.

They are all much loved and mourned. So it is deeply offensive for people to suggest that because we don't want to mark their passing with plastic tat that my family is somehow cold and snobbish.

There's a shrine in a nearby large town for a murdered policeman. Gets refreshed every year and there is a service/ vigil there. Just checking with the memorial police (no pun intended) if this one is OK. I supsect it is.

You seem to be suggesting that grieving people should be allowed to do whatever they want NunoGoncalves

If you agree with me with me that competitive and aggressive grieving is wrong then I am content.

Forcing people to put up with tributes that are nothing to do with them and impacts on their lives is shitty and intimidating behaviour, isn't it?

They are horrendous. Graveyards are for mourning.

@SauvignonBlanche what a lovely thing to do I'm sorry for your loss.

I do not like the roadside flowers, to me it seems to be that the more flowers and tat on the roadside just shows how "loved" the person was. No it doesn't, if god forbid one of mine was lost on a roadside I would not and I would others not to put flowers there. I would ask them to come to my home and remember them with me. Or meet for a coffee or wine and talk about them there.

Being "showy" with grief does not mean your grief is more than the quiet griever.

OP, I'm wondering if you are local to me,/ recently murdered young mother and the flowers are against someone's front wall.

limited My brother was killed by a car driver who knocked him over. A stupid thoughtless accident in a 30 mph zone. He was 32.
When I see roadside tributes, I think of him. I feel for the family and sympathise. If someone set up a tribute near our fields I would keep an eye on it but wouldn't touch it as long as there weren't any balloons.

Two local young lads nicked a car and did 100mph down a 40 zone dual carriageway and crashed into a tree. Car burst into flames and they both died, which was tragic for the families.

The tree was outside a children’s nursery and the accident was in a November.

There was a shrine there for ages with flowers and beer bottles ( the boys were drunk ) and every year now) it was about 7 years ago) new stuff including poppies get left there and I feel really sorry for the people who own the business actually.

You seem to be suggesting that grieving people should be allowed to do whatever they want NunoGoncalves

Nope. OP asked me if I would mind, I said no.

Forcing people to put up with tributes that are nothing to do with them and impacts on their lives is shitty and intimidating behaviour, isn't it?

Again, I never said that. I said I would put up with it because I think it's more important for them than my house looking "nice" is to me.

There's a shrine in a nearby large town for a murdered policeman. Gets refreshed every year and there is a service/ vigil there. Just checking with the memorial police (no pun intended) if this one is OK. I supsect it is.

I don't get your point Piggywaspushed. From your description it sounds like a well-maintained memorial, but if it's a mess it should be cleared away.

There are memorials to police officers who have fallen in the line of duty founded by the film director Michael Winner Michael Winner. He wasn't my favourite person and I am sometimes conflicted about the police, but these memorials are discreet, well maintained and mark an important contribution to society by honest and good police officers. They also don't attract plastic tat.

limited I think my post was quite clearly sarcastic, aimed at all the snobby comments on this thread. You don't think that's actually what I think, do you?

Again, I never said that. I said I would put up with it because I think it's more important for them than my house looking "nice" is to me.

That's the difference between us NunoGoncalves Where do you live by the way? Is it somewhere that gangs don't mark their territory on your wall, like dogs pissing up a lamp post while you stay quivering inside?

That's the difference between us NunoGoncalves

No shit. I'm just not sure why you're so desperately trying to challenge my opinion, like I must be wrong to feel this way?

I hate them and feel they are mawkish and overly sentimental. As others have said, the relatives will have a grave or site where ashes were scattered where they can visit. Personally I don't feel the need as you can remember the person without a bunch of dyeing flowers and tawdry soft toys.

Thankfully this was not a thing when my sibling died in a road accident many years ago, but if it had been, I know my parents would have hated this. We remembered our loss privately and in our own ways and we would have hated to have had to drive past a heap of soggy flowers and teddy bears everyday, we didn't need to have reminders in our faces every day.

If there was one outside my house, I suspect I’d be helpfully tidying it away after 6 months or so.

I did just that (a shrine to a gang murder victim), but I certainly didn't wait six months - I think I left it a week.

Regardless of whether they are ok or not, there's some absolute snobby twatty comments on this thread.

Under class, it's a class thing.....implying that people almost deserved to die and shouldn't have these 'shrines' because they took a wrong turn in life. Just fuck right off.