WIBU?- Roadside shrines

[Arnoldthecat]

This is more of a ..would i be unreasonable....to not want a roadside shrine directly outside my house/garden gate/in close proximity..?

Why does anyone think that leaving litter is a class thing? That because I am a working class person I am in thrall to plastic flowers,windmills and helium balloons and can't help myself?

This is just patronising shit.

I am a working class person brought up by working class parents. Do you think they would want me to pay tribute to them by leaving cellophane and nylon teddies rather than biogradable flowers or crocus bulbs that will come up every year on their graves? Answer: No they fucking wouldn't.

It doesn't mean that we are uptight and sterile. We just don't like that shit and think it is crappy litter.

Apologies Meandmetoo, I'm really posting to those posters then.

Entitlement is classless, it really is. Look at some of our MPs? The most entitled twats in existence. They wouldn't do this, I don't think. They're still puffed full of entitlement though.

This really isn't about class, it's about people who feel the need to push their grief onto other people and sadly, even when it's not their grief in the first place. The comments about the style of shrine and the way that people write their flower cards, that's quite snobby really. I don't care how somebody spells or writes their name on cellophane wrapped flowers, teddy and balloon offerings. Merely that those shouldn't be there in the first place. To me, it's littering, plain and simple.

I’ve never seen these memorials as a class issue though

For me, the real irony here is that actual gravestones will often be toppled or even removed by a council if they're considered to be in poor condition - and that's on a plot which has been paid for and properly organised

I can sort of see why this happens, since nobody wants a whacking great slab of stone to turn them into another occupant. But isn't it a little odd to insist on this and yet permit the sort of tat which could easily blow onto a car's windscreen, causing a perhaps more obvious danger?

Where I live they're removed by roads crews after a period of time (I think 12 months) if they're on public right of way. If they're re-erected, they're removed the next time the crew comes by.

But if the death was the result of drink driving, the immediate family can choose to have a road sign put up that says "Don't Drink and Drive". In smaller print it says "In memory of XXX".

I understand the families who are grieving, but still at some point it's healthy to let go and to let the way you live your life be your loved one's best memorial.

I'd never seen any of these shrines before Diana's death & flowers. Now, to me, it's almost like grief has to be instantly public with shrines, tweets, etc. Whatever happened to privately remembering the deceased or sharing memories with friends?

I live in a Cotswold-y town and I can assure you we have our fair share of OTT road memorials. I’m not sure I’d want to be remembered at the place I died, especially if I died drink driving or doing something stupid.

When I was around 14 my friend was killed in a road accident, it was a complete accident nothing that the driver of the car could’ve done and that was confirmed at the inquest and my friends parents/siblings never once blamed the driver.

My friend was very popular in school and due to having siblings in the school was known to a lot of people in different year groups.

A huge amount of flowers were laid next to the site of the accident on a verge and whilst visible to traffic wouldn’t cause an obstruction in anyway but would be noticeable, my friends and I laid flowers as an act of remembernce/respect long before her funeral could take place.

This was 18 years ago and some friends still leave flowers at the site on the anniversary to remember her as it helps them, for some of my friends her death was the first time they had experienced any type of loss, and due to the circumstances the ripple effect for some people is still felt today, on what would’ve been her first birthday the year after she died we planted a plant as something perminant and that is still there, when I drive past the site of the accident I always think of her and the plant makes me smile.

The shine was an initial outpouring of grief and did help some of my friends and having gone onto work alongside her sibling brought home to her family how loved she was by her friends at their most terrible time, we were in a “nice middle class” area if that matters?

No way would I want one outside my home. Imagine opening your curtains to see decaying flowers and sellophane reminding you of a death!
When did it become acceptable to create mini cemeteries at the side of roads, on park benches, bridges and outside people's homes? Surely we can remember people's lives by planting a tree or a few bulbs - things that grow and beautify an area, and cause no offence.

I recall one of these makeshift 'shrines' where flowers where tied to a lamppost on a roundabout outside a few bungalows - they had them tied half way up a lamppost by standing on a van roof to do it. The mourners then erected an awning thing and sat there drinking beer all night - this became an annual event. Imagine that outside your front door - imagine trying to sell that house.

I'd never seen any of these shrines before Diana's death
Lucky you Jocasta2018 . I'm from Essex and noticed it from 1990 an aggressive feature of competitive mourning.

If you don't like it then you can just lump it.

Some people deluded people on Mumsnet insist that those of us who don't want to lump it are just snobs.

I think they are lucky enough to have not experienced this aggression or do it themselves

EducatingArti No mine is not outside a hospital, a white bike seems to be be quite a common memorial from what i've seen on the thread.

Agree limited and yes, Jocasta, I think Diana's funeral was the catalyst, sadly. The screechers made me shudder, absolutely no respect for Diana's children. And the flower waste; imagine the good that all that money could have done for charity, any charity. Not as dramatic though.

I remember seeing Jade Goody's funeral on the tv and thinking WTF at all those jars of Marmite as some sort of tenuous link to 'love her or hate her'. Utterly disrespectful and a bit pathetic.

The way I see it is that nobody is offended if a shrine ISN'T erected - but on the offchance that somebody might find one offensive if it IS, then why not err on the side of caution and just quietly remember that person, give to their favourite charity if you want, or anything else done privately?

There are a couple near me. They’re simple: a single bunch of flowers and a clingfilm covered note. They’re unobtrusive and not Coo-wee! Over here! Grief to be had!. They make me sad.

More elaborate displays I just find odd and uncomfortable. Like others have said, who would ask to be remembered with a DIY shrine beside an A-road of a one-eyed teddy and a grubby football shirt?

I almost had a bad accident thanks to one of these roadside memorials. A mourner was parked on the (naturally dangerous) curve, taking up half of the lane as there was no shoulder.

Luckily I was under the speed limit and had my brakes re-done or there would have been two memorials. Scared the shit out of me and I've hated them ever since.

There are a few anniversary flowers that appear on lampposts by some nasty bends out of the village (not helped by horrendous potholes and the chicane driving to avoid them) but the most moving is on a dual carriageway a few miles away. Several years ago, a lorry went through the bridge parapet and into the valley below where it exoded from the fall. There were flowers for several years (I used to wonder how and when they were laid on a busy road with no pavement) but now there is a simple cross fixed to the wire of the parapet. I notice it and remember the event and driver every time I drive past.

I wish people would just lay flowers without the cellophane.

How do people feel about things like the 911 memorial in the footprints of the World Trade Center? Or is that ok because lots of people tragically died?

Oh don’t be ridiculous. There’s no comparison and not just because of the numbers involved.

Nothing says mourning a loved one like fly tipping plastic. It's like balloon releases. Utterly selfish and destructive to the environment. If you must leave a 'tribute' then an unwrapped simple flower would suffice. And I say that as someone who lost a dear friend to a car accident.

but now there is a simple cross fixed to the wire of the parapet.

Oh, that reminds me. Not in mine, but in other US states someone will erect a small white cross at the site of a fatal accident.

billingsgazette.com/news/state-and-regional/montana/memorial-markers-for-years-white-crosses-have-marked-fatal-accidents/article_6c23cb4a-af89-5347-8df1-51b652946453.html

I've told my dh to NEVER do this for me!

I don't like them, but if people want to do it's up to them bit I don't understand why they don't at least remove the cellophane from the flowers - grotty, dirty, rotten flowers in plastic is no tribute to anyone

If it was outside my house and they went like that I'd remove them, if people.maintain it themselves then at least it isn't too bad.

Apart from the Diana factor, I wonder if the availability of social media's contributed to the increase in these "tributes"?

The very few I know who favour them are pretty keen on plastering absolutely everything online; luckily none have suffered a road-related loss, but if they did I imagine pics of the shrine would appear instantly

Maybe the hope of all those emojis is too much to resist?

It's not always the family leaving these shrines.

My sister was killed a few years ago in a RTA. Friends of hers have taken it upon themselves to erect a shrine which is still standing against the wishes of our family.

I don't live in my hometown anymore but my parents, siblings and BIL (late sisters husband) do and they've found it very distressing to see the shrine every time they drive down the road where she died.

Every time a member of the family removes the shrine a nasty post will go up on Facebook about it and it's restored to its tacky, cellophane glory.

We hate it. My sister would have hated it. But her 'friends' grief clearly trumps ours.

Whenever I go to my hometown I put a bin bag in the boot and clear it on my way out of town.

So my opinion comes from a slightly different angle but whenever I see a shrine I can't help wonder if it's causing even more upset to the bereaved.

Sorry, that was longer than I intended.

Every time a member of the family removes the shrine a nasty post will go up on Facebook about it and it's restored to its tacky, cellophane glory.

Have the family told the friends it's them who are removing it? The post makes it sound like they think it's a random vandal, rather than the family

There is one near my parents. I always hated it, until I saw the Parents of the dead teenage boy tending it one Christmas Day. And I thought ‘wow , how utterly horrendous for them, and if they get so much as a crumb of comfort from it then that’s fine by me’.

I had an accident about a mile from there a few years later and was thankfully unhurt, but it easily could have been different

Ice They are well aware of our feelings and that we are removing the shrine.

BIL has been threatened whilst he was removing it once by the boyfriend of one of the women responsible for it.

The chip on your shoulder Piggy is your assumption that anyone on this thread who disagrees with your approach that grief is a free for all for any old mess in the street think differently if the memorial is for a middle class person or a policeman .

And no I don't think people can grieve as they see fit. Every freedom competes with another freedom. I claim the freedom to not have dead flowers and plastic crap outside my house or in the local park. I also claim the freedom to not have to pay taxes to clear the mess up, In addition I claim the freedom of wild creatures to not have their habitat encroached upon by items that might do them harm.

Personally I think that trumps someone else's ability to grief signal and leave a mess in the street. That's not snobbery, that's just personal preference and the rights of the majority over the minority. As a PP said it doesn't mean that I feel grief any less keenly than anyone who does litter the highway with rotting things.