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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

462 replies

Mazes · 02/03/2019 16:16

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

OP posts:
Huggybear16 · 02/03/2019 17:50

Last night, when the waiter mentioned the chicken pie, people broke out into spontaneous laughter

What on earth is so funny about a waiter in a restaurant mentioning a chicken pie? Are they really that bad? They sound like a barrel of laughs.

When me and my friends go out to eat, we go out to eat.

Even if I was out with 10 women who all ordered salads, I'd still order whatever I wanted. I might not have been as confident when I was younger, but I absolutely am now (I'm only 33 btw, so at 40+ you should be able to choose your own food and not worry that it's not the same as your friends)

Cheeeeislifenow · 02/03/2019 17:51

God, I hate this. Nothing more boring than eating out with someone who’s ‘watching their weight’, especially if they then talk about diets and syns and calories. My MIL, who is otherwise lovely, is like this. Eat a freaking dessert, Eileen, it’s not like you eat out every day!

Sorry if me trying to reduce my BMI from morbidly obese to a healthy range is an issue for you.
That attitude if fuck it have the cake us what put me in this position in the first place.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2019 17:51

Nope, noway, it would be a nice big plate ladened full of calories, I don't go out with my friends to push salad round my plate.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2019 17:52

They can order what they like, and i will order what I like.

Original poster
Mazes · 02/03/2019 17:53

Can at a birthday weekend, there was food out the whole time which I saw nobody eat, even though everyone was drinking fairly constantly. Everyone did a run in the morning at 9am, even though we’d been up until 3am. Later some did a bike ride, others boxercise even though it was optional. I had reflexology instead!

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 02/03/2019 17:54

I don’t think anyone is particularly insecure about their looks because I think you’re past that at 40, although I do suspect, by this stage, most of us have had minor Botox or similar, but very subtle

Well if you’re having Botox you clearly are sensitive about your looks. I used to live in Wimbledon and would say the village was “ salad central” - full of women dodging carbs and pretending to be stuffed on 2 olives. So dull. ( and you went along with it OP so more fool you. )

45andahalf · 02/03/2019 17:56

Cheeeeese my MIL isn’t morbidly obese... so not really relevant that you are. Nevertheless, still dull as fuck listening to it.

Meretricious · 02/03/2019 17:57

There’s a few of us meet up for dinner fairly regularly and eat all the food. One of those has said the same as the OP that when she’s out with friends she met through her gym they all skip starters and puds or make a real fuss about puds so will have a starter salad as a main so they can have a pud. She likes them but finds eating out with them tiresome. She loves eating out with us.

She is skinny as anything but huge appetite and loves a pie....but would never order one with them...

GunpowderGelatine · 02/03/2019 17:57

I do suspect, by this stage, most of us have had minor Botox or similar, but very subtle

So you are looks-orientated then?

Honestly I would ditch friends like this. I too thought these kind of women only exist in shit sitcoms written by men.

LagunaBubbles · 02/03/2019 17:58

What a waste of time, I find it really sad that your friends act like this. We are all human, need to eat and going out for food is a social pleasure to. This doesnt sound a pleasure at all, either eating wise or socially!

GunpowderGelatine · 02/03/2019 17:59

Not to mention a grotesque waste of food.

Cheeeeislifenow · 02/03/2019 17:59

@45 well I have been trying to lose weight and my friends fortunately know how hard it has been for me and what an impact it's making on me, ai imagine when I am at my goal weight I will still have to be concerned of calories in vs out because I gain weight easily, so I hope my friends will understand that and not make fun of me because i don't have a dessert!

ShowMeTheKittens · 02/03/2019 18:00

I'd order a big fat pizza and eat the lot. Aggressively.

cuppycakey · 02/03/2019 18:02

Fortunately I have ever come across anyone who does this.

DaisyDreaming · 02/03/2019 18:03

I’m not a fan of Miranda but loved the scene when all the women said things like ‘I would love the lasagna but will have the salad’, they all do it until Miranda who actually orders what she wants. I have friends like this and some not, much prefer spending time with the not ones!

thenorthernluce · 02/03/2019 18:06

I introduced my husband to the concept of competitive non eating when we were first going out, as we were eating out and the two girls next to us shared a scone but neither ate more than three bites in the same time we ate a proper dinner. My husband was amazed as he’d never noticed this before.

Note, I have never engaged in competitive non eating!

Anique105 · 02/03/2019 18:06

Honestly your friends sound like a bunch of dumbos. Shallow and fake. Off course they are eating normally when at home. This is all for show. I would ditch them because if they are fake with something as stupid as food , then they are probably fake with other things too.

nevernotstruggling · 02/03/2019 18:08

Sounds a bit tedious. I went out for dinner the other day with work friends. We all ordered what we want and thoroughly enjoyed the food and we all had pudding. One of those friends is doing slimming world too!

Smurfy23 · 02/03/2019 18:12

No...there might be a bit of bandwagon jumping though when someone ~usually me~ announces they're having a starter and a pudding...definitely not salad though!

Goodenough06 · 02/03/2019 18:12

Do you think it could be to do with the way you take it in turns to pay? If a friend was paying for my meal I'd feel guilty for ordering a really expensive steak, for example. Maybe they are all trying to be polite in terms of not wanting to pig out when it's someone else's round?

ibblebibbledibble · 02/03/2019 18:12

This sounds completely miserable! I’ve literally never encountered this. If I go out to dinner I eat whatever the hell I want. So does everyone else.

TurquoiseDress · 02/03/2019 18:13

This sort of behaviour definitely does not go in between my close group of friends- usually 4 of us if we go out for dinner.

I/We eat whatever we like eg I often go for the steak & chips, definitely something more substantial than a salad.

We're not scared of dessert either!

We've all known each other since secondary school so would get the low down if any of us were on some new/faddy diet

We're all 39/40 yrs old

SavageBeauty73 · 02/03/2019 18:13

Nope never happened to me. My friends and I LOVE our food

LuckyLou7 · 02/03/2019 18:15

Oh God, the last time I went out with friends, we had starters, mains and puddings and about a gallon of wine. We're all 40-odd too, and we only get together about once every couple of months, and we thoroughly enjoy each other's company. If one of us ordered a salad and sipped mint tea, the rest of us would be a tad concerned. Though not concerned enough to mimic her. Grin Oh and none of us are hugely fat either.

snoutandab0ut · 02/03/2019 18:16

This sounds awful. My friends and I eat whatever we want, and on the rare occasions I’ve ended up with people being performatively polite and refusing the table bread, I think good all the more for me!