In a deep shit - starting new job on Monday and positive pregnancy test!

[oreoxoreo]

Resigned from my 10+ years job just yesterday and starting an awesome new job in civil service on Monday. Don't know what prompted me to do pregnancy test today, it's 30th day of the cycle, it came out as very clear positive!!

I am 40 with 2 DC divorcing my exH and in nearly 3 years relationship with my boyfriend who has his own DC. Having children together were never in the picture, well I don't say no to it but we are definitely not there yet if will ever be. In fact I had termination very early in relationship, he was supportive. That time I could work out later exactly when the accident happened.

This cycle has been awkward. I went to urgent care centre in mid-cycle with abdominal right side pain, they did pregnancy test too (negative), I asked for referral for abdominal scan and the pain has subsided in the meantime. I can't even remember having sex mid-cycle due to this. I am not on pill but we've been careful.

In one word I feel so shit. I am now worried about my new job. I need to book termination. Let's say even if we considered having a baby, my probation is 9 months!! So I would make myself too vulnerable. We don't even live together. I doubting if I should tell him even. Of course it's both fault somewhere but I feel my share of guilt. How do I even go about taking a day off for termination from work that I haven't even started yet!!!

Not really AIBU, just please tell me there is a way to get it resolved.

[GinZing]

Civil service are very different to working in the private sector. I’m pretty sure they have to look after you, probation or otherwise. Can anyone advise on this?

I would say though, do think carefully about the decision to terminate at your age if you are hoping to have children. Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

[NorthernLurker]

The usual reasons behind being scared to tell a partner are either you want to continue the pregnancy and he won't or you want to end the pregnancy and he won't.

Realistically, you don't have to tell him but it's a huge secret to have in a relationship and likely to prove toxic.

Of course two terminations is far from ideal but life messes us around sometimes. You do need to up your contraception though.

Leaving that aside, time off is not going to be a big deal as I think you know.

Listen to the wise posters here and move forward.

[Joey7t8]

Your employer, regardless of who they are, can’t discriminate if you take maternity leave. If you thought they let you go because of this, you’d have a very strong case against them.

As for terminating and waiting 2 years, that’s your choice, but time isn’t on your side at age 40.

[NabooThatsWho]

We were going to revisit the idea having a child in a couple of years time.

And you are 40?

[HoppityFrog3]

I would definitely abort at this stage of the pregnancy, and at this stage of your life. You will risk your new job - coz they WILL get rid of you as soon as they can and they won't owe you anything. And do you really want to be a mother to a teenager/college age kid, when you're knocking the door of 60? Sorry, but sod that for a game of soldiers.

Good luck with the new job. Book termination ASAP, and move on with your life.

[GinZing]

Sorry I mean if you’re hoping to have more children

[lazymare]

Mid cycle pain could have been ovulation. Unusual for it to start at your time of life rather than as a teenager, but it happens.

Mine started at 35 after my second baby. Bleeding and pain every month mid cycle.

[Seline]

coz they WILL get rid of you as soon as they can and they won't owe you anything

Bollocks. Civil service jobs are very well protected. I've been in the exact position of the OP and they were incredibly accommodating.

[HoppityFrog3]

@oreoxoreo We were going to revisit the idea having a child in a couple of years time.

Just saw this bit.

Are you kidding?! Read my last post up there ^

[Mari50]

Also can't work out timings, pregnancy test was negative 2 weeks into cycle and now 4 weeks +2days into cycle is clear positive
I’m not sure this can be genuine. Are you serious?
That and the fact you are going to revisit whether you want children with your DP when you are 42?

[GiveMeAllTheGin8]

You seriously need to be more careful
Two abortions in a few years? Have a word with yourself
And your 40 now and going to start ttc in a few years? Yea good luck with that

[Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom]

A termination is a massive decision and if that's a choice you want to make then nothing and no one should make you feel it's the wrong choice for you but it's something you should only do if you really do think it's the right decision because the emotional ramifications of doing it because you don't think you have another option but actually wanted the child would be terrible for you.

I know your job is important to you but don't choose termination out of panic because you'll only set yourself up for emotional pain and guilt.

If though you think it's the right and best choice for you then it's nothing to do with anyone else!

If it were me I'd either just say I have a medical issue that my appointment has finally come through for, without mentioning which one or if pushed I'd think of a condition that has a similar time off but without an interest item for others like cyst removal etc

[RussellSprout]

I was in a slightly similar position to the OP, went from agency temp to perm role, found out the day before the perm interview that I was pregnant. Waited til I had been offered and ink dry on the contract, then disclosed (I had a medical condition so needed lots of ante natal appointments, waiting until later in the pregnancy wasn't an option).

My boss was fine about it, they didn't try and get rid of me when I went back off mat leave or anything! Shit happens!

OK there may be some unscrupulous employers out there but I think they are in the minority.

[Seline]

Hoppity yes I read it. Hence saying I was in THE SAME SITUATION. Are you an idiot? Why would I say that if I hadn't read it?

I started a civil service job when I was 10 weeks pregnant. Had zero issues and was told there and then by my manager that I was protected under the equality act. I didn't tell them I was pregnant until I signed the contract.

They had to make accommodations for me including moving my desk and allowing me to work from home due to hyperemesis and they were obliged to keep my job open. The only thing I wasn't entitled to was their own maternity package.

So erm, I think it's you who should educate yourself dear.

[Ssmiler]

This identical thing happened me. Left a job of 10+ years and started a civil service job age 40. Exactly 9 months to the day of starting I had my little girl after years of assuming I would never have children.
It was a senior job and I was so worried about it. I am still there 10+ years on and despite initial worries it ultimately did not affect my position.
I got statutory maternity allowance as because I had just started I didn't qualify for maternity pay. I took 7 months off afterwards and completed the final month of my 9 month probation when I returned.
It was a difficult pregnancy - not helped by my stress at the situation - but they were understanding - once they got over the shock.
I know it's easy to say that the law protects you but the fact is it does - and the civil service is better than most at acknowledging that these things happen and giving you the protection that the law entitles you to
So if the only reason for considering a termination is the job - remember you have another 20 years to work for them and prove yourself after you return from maternity leave.
I've been promoted twice since I had my little girl - who is 11 now - and my bosses still joke about that shock when I first started and broke that pregnancy news a few weeks later!
I'm not saying it was easy - I was stressed out of my head about it - but once I went back after maternity I got settled back in and it was as if that was my real start if you see what I mean
So you do have options - but good luck OP with whatever you decide to do

[HoppityFrog3]

That's lovely for you @RussellSprout, but if that did happen, you are incredibly lucky. And anyone who thinks that most employers will happily let someone fuck off on maternity leave for a year when they have been in the job no more than 6 or 7 months, and hold the job open for them, is deluded. Most companies simply won't do that. Mine certainly wouldn't, and any company I have ever worked for wouldn't!

[HoppityFrog3]

@Seline

Yes of course all that happened......

[WFTisgoingoninmyhead]

You must tell him and you both need to sort your contraception out, termination is not an effective contraceptive. You clearly need to talk to you DP today and get help, if you attend a private clinic for the termination you can go in the evening or weekend. If this is not an option you will have to just book a day off. At 40 with a career you love I think you need to make the best choice for you both and in a new job they will expect you have pre booked appointments anyway.

[Seline]

The civil service is different to "most employers".

[HoppityFrog3]

Doesn't change the fact that an employer can get rid of you FOR NO REASON within the first 2 years.

There are some deluded cuckoos on here. FFS!

[Seline]

Hoppity You can choose not to believe me if you want, other posters have posted similar stories. You've just made yourself look a right tit by contradicting those of us who have actually experienced this.

[Ssmiler]

Cross posted with @seline
Same situation - the only thing I didn't get was the maternity package but they made it clear I was fully protected and made adjustments for the pregnancy related issues I had
I'm now senior in civil service and I can assure you that seline is right - they will not even attempt to undermine you - the civil service does not use the approach of getting rid of people within two years without reason - due process is followed in all cases - even less than 2 year employment - and they will be particularly careful in the case of a pregnancy

[Myheartbelongsto]

"We've been careful" er, no you haven't.

Abortion is not a contraceptive.