In a deep shit - starting new job on Monday and positive pregnancy test!

[oreoxoreo]

Resigned from my 10+ years job just yesterday and starting an awesome new job in civil service on Monday. Don't know what prompted me to do pregnancy test today, it's 30th day of the cycle, it came out as very clear positive!!

I am 40 with 2 DC divorcing my exH and in nearly 3 years relationship with my boyfriend who has his own DC. Having children together were never in the picture, well I don't say no to it but we are definitely not there yet if will ever be. In fact I had termination very early in relationship, he was supportive. That time I could work out later exactly when the accident happened.

This cycle has been awkward. I went to urgent care centre in mid-cycle with abdominal right side pain, they did pregnancy test too (negative), I asked for referral for abdominal scan and the pain has subsided in the meantime. I can't even remember having sex mid-cycle due to this. I am not on pill but we've been careful.

In one word I feel so shit. I am now worried about my new job. I need to book termination. Let's say even if we considered having a baby, my probation is 9 months!! So I would make myself too vulnerable. We don't even live together. I doubting if I should tell him even. Of course it's both fault somewhere but I feel my share of guilt. How do I even go about taking a day off for termination from work that I haven't even started yet!!!

Not really AIBU, just please tell me there is a way to get it resolved.

[AnguasDogCollar]

All those saying "Of COURSE they won't sack someone due to pregnancy!"

As someone who has been sacked twice whilst pregnant, this is bollocks. There are good, law abiding employers and there are bad ones. The bad ones who are likely to discriminate are very adept at finding reasons to dismiss someone (especially during a probationary period). Civil service is not exempt from this, believe me. (A family member was a long-time civil servant and was expertly 'edged out' of her job due to disability). There is a difference in how things SHOULD be, and how things ARE.

OP, don't tell them why you're having time off. If this is a job you truly want, it's not worth the risk.

[Noname99]

Although the frog poster does seems a bit overinvested and aggressive, I have to say I’m surprised (& delighted!) by the the majority of posters on here who have such positive experiences of pregnancy in work. Does make you wonder what all the fuss from feminist and women’s right activists is all about if pregnancy discrimination it’s no longer an issue (as many on here are assuring the op) and employers are so wonderfully ethical and law abiding?

[Torsz]

I started in the civil service back in September - 2 days after finding out I was pregnant. I told them at about 6 weeks and am now 27 weeks - in my office there's another girl who is 2 weeks further along but who started a few weeks later than me, and my manager went on maternity leave in January having joined the company pregnant too.
My work has been incredibly supportive - in fact they're lucky as they don't have to give maternity pay due to the timings - and I have no concerns whatsoever about passing my probation in March. My manager was already on leave by the time she got to the end of her probation but passed too, with no issues ☺️
I'm not saying either route is the right one, but please don't let your worries about the new job cause you to make a decision you'll regret!

[feliciabirthgiver]

Please call your local Early Pregnancy unit and explain you are waiting a scan for suspected ovarian cyst for abdo pain and you've now just done a pregnancy test and it's positive. it's really important to rule out ectopic - this is exactly what happened to me and I ended up being really poorly with internal bleeding. I really imagine you are stressed enough so I promise I'm not trying to scaremonger.
Good luck with everything.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

@AnguasDogCollar and @Noname99 - in the civil service, I'd be very surprised if there is much maternity discrimination. That's what people are discussing here. Outside of the civil service, that's not the case, generally - there's a lot more struggle and discrimination and women need a lot more support.

The two are like total opposites, they don't compare at all.

[Uptheapplesandpears]

I started a job whilst inadvertently pregnant and they were fine with it, I had a job to go back to. Not public sector either. With my first pregnancy however, I'd been with my employer ages and still ended up suffering maternity related discrimination.

[hellenbackagen]

So you are using abortion as contraception.

Why aren't you using condoms/pill/implant if you are certain you don't want children with him?
Once is an accident but twice?

Get Your contraception sorted for heavens sake .

[hellenbackagen]

And don't be so certain about having one later

I made that mistake. I got pg but at 44 the baby had a chromosome abnormality that meant pg wasn't viable and had most traumatic experience of my life , a tfmr in second trimester.
I'd say at over 40 you're pretty lucky to have got pg at all - make sure you're decision is based on fact and not ifs And maybes down the line because it may not happen when you want it to.

[Merrymumoftwo]

To all those saying in civil seriousness are protected even in probation, it actually depends what section you work in. My section during probation excessive time off even for maternity you are dismissed. Am guessing from probation period though you are office hours? My role is 24/7 probation is a year

[Merrymumoftwo]

Should say civil service
My point is civil service covers a large area and whole base terms and condition are similar there are different expectations to enable a person to pass probation. OP needs to know what they are for her particular area. There may not be a problem but in some areas, strict attendance is required during probation or it is extended or an individual fails to pass. I have seen this a number of times in my particular area

[PennyMordauntsLadyBrain]

My section during probation excessive time off even for maternity you are dismissed.

This is extremely unlikely if you are based in the UK Civil Service. See below from Maternity Action-

Your employer must record any pregnancy-related sickness absence separately from other sick leave, so that pregnancy-related sickness absence is ignored as absence and is not used to your disadvantage e.g. for disciplinary action, dismissal or redundancy.

I don’t mean to be picky, but this is a parenting website and it would be pretty shitty if a pregnant woman felt forced into making a decision based on misinformation.

[Merrymumoftwo]

I am in the uk civil service
It is unlikely that given probation period op has mentioned that she would be working in my section, where it has and does happen. It is recorded separately but our central HR put out a policy advising that initially extension of probation should be considered however if a staff member is unlikely to complete all required training during that period they will be deemed as failing. I don’t agree with it and Union are trying to deal with it

[oreoxoreo]

Booked termination in 2 weeks. Told my boyfriend who has been supportive. Calmed down for the time being... sort of cut out my emotions for now.

[ittakes2]

do you think you need to check you don't have an eptopic pregnancy? Just thinking of your pain.

[Nellieelephant]

I was coming on to post that honestly a civil service job is probably one of the only jobs where you would be fine to go ahead with the pregnancy in your circumstances, but I see that you have made a decision anyway.

You do what is right for you. It’s not ideal but then it never is.

You do need to know that you have other options and honestly your job would be secure and you wouldn’t be thought any less of if you went ahead with the pregnancy. I think (and I believe most would agree) working in the government is not quite the same as other places of work and the mentality of the workers is also different.

Having a termination is also a valid option and again having a couple of days off for a medical procedure (you don’t need to say anything more than that) will be fine just tell your boss ASAP.

I would caution you to think long and hard about the very real possibility you may not be able to have children at a later date but if you can live with that then that’s fine.

I don’t think cutting off your emotions about it all is a good idea! You need to weight up the pros and cons very carefully and be absolutely sure with the decision you make.

[oreoxoreo]

Thank you. Well my boyfriend was clear that is not keen on having more children at this stage of life and even though he'd support me, I feel if I choose to go ahead I need to be able to handle it single handedly if things come to worst. My job have to come first as it keeps the roof above our heads.
If we were both financially stable and living together, the decision might be different. But it is not the case. I don't know how my new job is going to treat me so I cannot risk losing everything.

[Merrymumoftwo]

I wish you all the best as many have said most parts of the civil service are reasonable and treat people well some isolated parts have a way to go. You should always make the best choice for you.