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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Probably very RE unfit friend and skiing holidays

43 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 01/03/2019 16:04

I’ve gone skiing with a friend from university every year for the past decade.
She was back in the day the most experienced/best skier in our group by a country mile, however in the last five years she has put on an enourmous amountof weight and is by her own admission, virtually completely sedentary.

For the last 3 trips her complete lack of fitness has made the trips a complete chore.
It involves her not wanting to ski for more than 2/3 hours (inc a coffee break in those hours) and then wanting to go back (always on a lift never ever skiing back) which wouldn’t be an issue but she wants someone to come back with her or she gets really silly about it. She also, by her own admission finds the exercise a real shock to the system and often gets quite sick a couple of days in and wants to skip the second half of the week (so only skiis for 2/3 days) and wants someone to miss skiing too, while she basically sits in bed.

I’m probably being a bitch but I work really hard to afford holidays and skiing is expensive as fuck... AIBU to say I don’t want to go on their trip next year as she manages to put a huge downer on it every year. Blush

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/03/2019 16:06

YANBU.It's your holiday too. Sounds quite selfish of her.

Farmerswifey12 · 01/03/2019 16:08

I wouldn't miss out because of her. Go with the group as usual but don't pander to her.

iwantavuvezela · 01/03/2019 16:08

I would definitely say that - you could in a reasonable way say that your expectations are too different for this particular holiday (both equal but just different), you want to ski, she prefers relaxing - can you choose another weekend getaway that suits you both, (so you still do something together) and then go skiing on your own.

M4J4 · 01/03/2019 16:09

I don't understand why women call themselves bitches for being unhappy with really unacceptable behaviour.

Find some backbone, tell her no more skiing trips and don't call yourself a bitch.

CountessVonBoobs · 01/03/2019 16:09

YANBU. If she wants to waste half of a skiing holiday not skiing (it doesn't really matter why) then she needs to get used to doing it on her own.

PandaSky · 01/03/2019 16:10

It's ok if she doesn't want to do whole days or ski less than the rest of the group. But it's not ok to expect someone else to shorten their skiing to babysit her.

Nothing i wrong if you want to go on holiday with her though. How many normally go in the group?

sleepwhenidie · 01/03/2019 16:11

No - unless you can have an honest conversation with her about how it is a skiing holiday and you want to actually make the most of the opportunity to ski! I would have had to tell her on day 2 that I was there to ski - its a stupidly expensive way to sit around admiring the view with a coffee! Either get some more people to join you next time, some of whom aren't up for skiing much and can keep her company, or go on a different holiday together and ski without her.

RemodellingMyHouse · 01/03/2019 16:11

It's not unreasonable for her to want to do shorter days, but very unreasonable for her to expect others to curtail their activities to spend time with her.

Go, but don't pander to her and be clear with her about that. It's a skiing holiday, and if she wants a day or two off skiing she will need to amuse herself. She can take some books to read.

crosspelican · 01/03/2019 16:12

Nothing unreasonable about that. Don't go - make other plans. I'm surprised she still intends to carry on going - in fact, it's possible she doesn't intend to go next year, so perhaps stay quiet for now and see what happens.

You don't need to apologise for being completely reasonable, you know.

SurgeHopper · 01/03/2019 16:13

What everyone said

Enjoy yourself!

gamerwidow · 01/03/2019 16:14

If you're not enjoying your holidays any more than you are well within your rights to not go. You don't owe anyone any reasons other than you don't fancy it this year.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/03/2019 16:23

YANBU what a pain in the arse.

Why does she even bother going?

GregoryPeckingDuck · 01/03/2019 16:25

Agreed YANBU. I don’t like skiing. Would only do the first couple of days otherwise I get bored to death. But I wouldn’t expect others to also miss out to keep me company. That’s incredibly selfish.

Cornettoninja · 01/03/2019 16:32

How she much she chooses to ski is up to her but I’d be pissed off with the pressuring people to sit with her. She’s not 90 fgs. Was it you she pressured most last time?

I’m not confrontational in the slightest but I think I would have to tell her the last trip was playing on my mind and she shouldn’t expect that again and should sort out her kindle/Netflix to entertain herself.

IncrediblySadToo · 01/03/2019 16:32

No it’s not unreasonable at all.

Plus, you should ski as much as you can, while you can. For various reasons many of us end up no longer being able to ski. I wish us skied a lot more while I could, especially when I was living in a ski resort! (You take it for granted).

I’d be fine with her stopping for coffee and doing half days etc and I’m totally happy doing my own thing - I don’t (didn’t) need a ski buddy...but I can’t be done with adults that can’t just go back by themselves or sulk/tantrum about it. THAT would make me totally reassess our friendship. Totally.

sulflower · 01/03/2019 16:33

YANBU if she can't hack it and doesn't spending time on her own due to her own failings she shouldn't go. She's spoiling it for everyone else. Don't dance to her selfish tune.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 01/03/2019 16:34

Either she doesn't go or she gets over herself as regards needing a babysitter. Someone needs to have a word!

Personally, I'd be pushing her down the hill myself.

Arowana · 01/03/2019 16:35

It's fine if she wants to go home early, but not at all fine for her to expect someone else to miss out.

YANBU not to go on the trip. Or if you do go, YANBU to tell her (before booking) that you plan to ski all day, every day whether she does or not.

mummymeister · 01/03/2019 16:36

you have to have an honest conversation with her. she probably hates the fact that she has become so fat that she cannot enjoy something that she previously did and was good at. and whilst you can feel sympathetic towards this, it isn't yours or anyone elses job to babysit a grown adult.

ask her what she gets out of the skiing holiday if she barely participates. explain to her that next time you go if she goes as well then she is on her own if she decides to go back early or stay in bed. you are not paid to be her sitter.

it really does rely on you being firm about this. she gets away with it because she can and no one is stopping her so if you want it to stop you have take the steps to stop it.

I did also wonder whether underlying this is some unhappiness. she must realise how awful this is surely.

justmyview · 01/03/2019 16:36

I would give her a heads up that next year, you're happy to ski together for as long as she wants to, but when she's ready to stop, you will carry on

She was back in the day the most experienced/best skier in our group by a country mile What did she do when she was the most experienced / best skier? If she was happy to go at the pace of the slowest, and stop when they needed to, then perhaps more understandable she expects people to repay that favour. If she was speeding off into the distance without a backward glance, then it's a bit different

Mitzimaybe · 01/03/2019 16:39

Are you the one who has to curtail your skiing to keep her company? Just refuse to do that.

"I've had enough for the day, I want to go down now. Please come with me, I don't want to be on my own."

"No, I'm going to carry on skiing. You'll be fine by yourself."

Next morning:
"I don't feel up to skiing today. Will you stay in the chalet to keep me company?"

"No, I'm going to try the black run today. I'll see you this afternoon."

Why wouldn't that work?

Macaroonmayhem · 01/03/2019 16:48

Yes, you just need to have a conversation along the lines of ‘look, I don’t mind what you do, but I’m here to ski so while I’ve no issue with you heading back at lunchtime or having a day off, I won’t be doing that. Just so you are clear”

EdtheBear · 01/03/2019 16:50

I think it needs to be discussed before booking another holiday. Possibly a discussion on how she can work on fitness before next winter.00

Canshopwillshop · 01/03/2019 16:53

YANBU. As others have said you need to have a frank discussion with her before you book. Make it clear that you will be making the most of the skiing and if she decides she wants to come but not ski as much as you then she will need to find other ways to occupy her time.

OrdinarySnowflake · 01/03/2019 17:02

I would agree, a frank discussion is needed, or perhaps don't do the big group trip, could you go with one other who skis at your level?

Another idea is to go with a tour, so you agree in advance you will be signing up to a group ski day, if she doesn't want to join it or leave early, you will still be joining in for the full days you have booked.