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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lie for ds

111 replies

Worzilgummidge · 01/03/2019 15:44

Ds went along with a few of his mates today during lunch break from college to book a holiday however they ended up in there ages and ds didn't make his next lesson. He emailed his tutor shortly before lesson was due to say he wasn't well and wouldn't be back and that he had asked me to collect him. His tutor isn't happy and knows he went to book a holiday and is saying she is gonna speak to me so now ds is pleading with me to back up his story as he is worried he will get kicked off the course. Would you lie for him.

OP posts:
lilybetsy · 01/03/2019 17:00

No,

  1. because children model the behavior they see.
2, I don't lie in such a situation, I would be honest, and I'm certainly not abandoning my integrity for another...

Thus I expect my kids to stand up and be honest if they stuffed up, not hide behind me

Roussette · 01/03/2019 17:00

I would most definitely back him to the hilt

Why?

He's lying. So you would back him to the hilt because lying is a good thing? Lying is a sensible thing for him to do every time he gets caught out doing something he shouldn't be doing? WTAF. I sometimes think I've landed on a parallel universe on MN.

PigletJohn · 01/03/2019 17:01

There comes a time in every schoolboy's life when he has to stop expecting his mummy to cover up his childish pranks.

You say your son is 18?

That time is long past.

mkmo · 01/03/2019 17:09

Back your son up to make sure he's not kicked off the course and deal with him yourself.

Let him know that you lied for him and are utterly disappointed in him.

If you don't back him up the consequences for him could be awful, if he relies on this course for University or career progression he could have to repeat the year if you don't back him up. Doesn't mean he should get away with it. He will have learnt his lesson.

TheresACatInMyLaundryBasket · 01/03/2019 17:11

They won't kick him off. But don't lie for him. Let him take responsibility for his actions.
Likely that if he had said "I am sorry. We thought we'd have enough time and it took longer than we thought" that would have been the end of the matter.

Idontmeanto · 01/03/2019 17:11

If he’s in real danger of being booted off the course, at the end of a long line of lateness/underperformance as I mum, I’d protect him. If he can safely learn from this incident without dire consequences that risk his future I’d be tougher.

Limensoda · 01/03/2019 17:11

I would lie for him but give him a lecture
Grin Yeah, that'll teach him! You think an 18 year old takes any notice of a mum's 'lecture'? especially after he has got her to back him up in a lie?

kingfisherblue33 · 01/03/2019 17:14

Why does he think he's going to be kicked off the course? Has he done similar before?

He's an adult. No, I would not lie for him.

janetforpresident · 01/03/2019 17:14

If he’s in real danger of being booted off the course, at the end of a long line of lateness/underperformance as I mum, I’d protect him.

But that wouldn't be protecting him. The best way for him to change this pattern of behaviour would be for him to feel the force of the consequences. He gets kicked off this course, realises he's made a massive mistake and learns from it.

hammeringinmyhead · 01/03/2019 17:15

HIBU for paying travel agent prices.

I wouldn't bother lying to be honest, in fact not sure I would answer. What tutor contacts the parents of an 18 year old?

Limensoda · 01/03/2019 17:19

What tutor contacts the parents of an 18 year old?

One who is sick of being lied to probably. One who won't be taken the piss out of and wants to check his story.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 01/03/2019 17:19

When I was at college, it was once you were 19 that they stopped involving parents. I haven't been nineteen for..... Seventeen years? But that was the deal.

I honestly don't know, OP. But I would ask the tutor, seeing as she has phoned, if his attendance is actually ok like you think, and if he is actually pulling his weight.

Roussette · 01/03/2019 17:20

I am glad to say my DCs wouldn't have dreamed of asking me. Because they knew what the answer would be. I never covered for them by lying, they had to face their problems head on with my help in doing so. Valuable lessons learned from having to do that (3 adult DCs here)

I would point out what I think would be the best course of action (e.g. go and see the Tutor and fess up and explain how and why it happened and ask for a second chance).

Plus.... what if the Tutor has proof your son was at a Travel Agent and Mum piles in with a lie? You've lost all respect of not only your son but his Tutor.

Skittlesss · 01/03/2019 17:23

I would probably say “I don’t know he wasn’t able to get hold of me as I was at work” and let DS figure out what else to say eg he took himself off home.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/03/2019 17:26

Having friends and social life are just as important as education

Funnily enough, I know plenty of 18 year olds who manage to have friends and a social life without skipping college.

Gatehouse77 · 01/03/2019 17:34

I've always taken the stance that I will back mine up if I agree with their action but draw the line at lying for them. They have to accept responsibility for the their own actions. And the consequences.

FrancisCrawford · 01/03/2019 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

agnurse · 01/03/2019 17:36

Don't lie for him. Please don't. It just teaches him that it's acceptable to avoid responsibility.

So maybe he gets kicked off the course. Maybe that's a learning experience for him. If you lie for him, there are ZERO consequences for him.

HE screwed up. Now HE needs to accept responsibility for HIS screw-up.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2019 17:38

Nope

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/03/2019 17:41

What makes the tutor suspect (realise) that he is lying?

It does suggest that he has form for skipping college. If that is the case, I wouldn't lie for him, I'm afraid.

starsparkle08 · 01/03/2019 17:44

I would encourage him to apologise to college and tell the truth they will respect him far more for being truthful . I can’t stand lies

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/03/2019 17:54

They will have all the relevant permissions. Education is up to 19 and teachers have responsibilities to keep parents in the loop in most cases. We still have parents evenings for 18 year old don't we?

Forgetting this will be the English system. If we have an 18 year old or for that matter a 16 or 17 year old in college, they are deemed an adult. I guess this is 6th form? So the equivalent of still being in school here.

needthisthread · 01/03/2019 17:55

He is 18 and at college. Since when did parents have any input there? If he goes he goes, if he doesn't he misses out. Why would he get kicked off the course for missing an afternoon? There must be an epic back story here. 18yo's miss college all the time without getting kicked out or having their mum invoked Confused

Witchend · 01/03/2019 17:56

The tutor knows anyway. If you lie all the tutor will do is file away that his parents lie too.
That means if you need the tutor to listen to you seriously in future then they will take anything you say with the knowledge that you lie.

OftenHangry · 01/03/2019 17:57

I am sure this was one off because tutors do let a one off slide ime...