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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible H was married/ had family before me?

355 replies

womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 12:08

Already separating but he was abusive (verbal gaslighting etc.). Suspect having proof he's a liar would be good for my mental health. Found a birth certificate among his papers from before we were married. His name listed as father and informant (so would have to be married to mother right?) Same surname as the mother.

It is a common name and he's from a large family who I've never met so can't ask them (I know major red flag territory.) Can I use this to search for a marriage certificate and confirm the date of birth and know for sure. We are married and declared no previous marriages when filling out wedding licence application. Do they double check these things?

Would rather him not know I know if that makes sense. I don't want to confront him.

OP posts:
fatbottomgirl12 · 02/03/2019 11:17

Oh no OP this must be distressing for you. I would be seeking legal advice

watsmyname · 02/03/2019 11:44

This is unbelievable. So sorry for all your anguish op

Skittlesss · 02/03/2019 11:46

Shut the fridge, I was confused too Flowers

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 12:02

Maybe the first wife stands to inherit substantially and it's not in his interests to divorce?

Do you have proof that he is actually abroad when he says he is op? Actual, real proof, not just booking tickets. Or does he go to one place more regularly than others?

AdoreTheBeach · 02/03/2019 12:41

This must be so traumatic for you and to try to remain normal outwardly. I hope you get some resolution regarding the truth soon.

I would think, if he’s a bigamist, the house is in your name to avoid it bring attached by first wife. Is DH on electoral roll at your home address? It’s easily searchable.

DH offer of separation in fairly good financial terms may well be because he is a bigamist and it would be found out in divorcing. Additionally, may be his way of exiting and moving on/abandoning as he may have done with first family.

A PI might be able to get to the bottom of this very quickly.

toddle · 02/03/2019 14:15

Can't imagine how you must be feeling thinking all of this. I hope you are doing ok today Thanks

LakieLady · 02/03/2019 15:05

Hope you're ok, OP. This must have been such a shock.

I hope you have RL friends who can support you while you're getting to the bottom of this. Flowers

cstaff · 02/03/2019 15:35

Hope you are ok OP Flowers.

howmanybiscuits · 02/03/2019 18:07

Do you have proof that he is actually abroad when he says he is op? Actual, real proof, not just booking tickets.

That's a good point. Just because he's letting you book tickets, doesn't mean he's actually using them necessarily.

Pieceofpurplesky · 02/03/2019 18:22

Wow. What a mind fuck for you OP. I really hope you can get it sorted

TougheningUp · 02/03/2019 18:36

I really think it's in your best interests to hand this over to a professional asap, or you could be accused of sitting on vital evidence.

As far as I know (and I am not a lawyer), there's no legal requirement for anyone to report a crime in the UK, and there's no such crime as "sitting on vital evidence".

However, I do think the OP should get legal advice as soon as possible. This is not a simple situation for her to be in, if her fears are proved correct.

OlennasWimple · 02/03/2019 18:48

There's no crime of "not reporting a crime". There is a crime of perverting the course of justice - so if the OP got a knock on the door from the police who were investigating her DH for suspected bigamy and she claimed that she didn't know anything about it and then burnt all the certificates, that could potentially be problematic for her.

But I don't think that is a) likely or b) what the OP is proposing

howmanybiscuits · 02/03/2019 19:24

There's no crime of "not reporting a crime"

Isn't there? I always thought there was.

OlennasWimple · 02/03/2019 20:02

howmanybiscuits

Nope - the CPS website is clear that there is no legal obligation to report a crime to the police, though obviously they prefer that people do

MrsBertBibby · 02/03/2019 21:35

Imagine all the victims of domestic abuse they'd have to lock up if there was any such offence! Honestly, think it through!

WhatTheNightBrings · 02/03/2019 21:40

Did you know he had a previous child? You seem totally wrapped up on the possibility of him being married previously but not yet divorced, and not at all concerned about the probability of him having two children you didn't know about.

Hazlenutpie · 02/03/2019 22:05

How judgemental. The OP is trying to get her around an awful lot, she doesn’t need smart comments like this.

GreenTulips · 02/03/2019 22:27

The (possible) children have no immediate impact on OPs current situation

Deliqueen · 02/03/2019 23:01

Maybe he abused the first family and they "disappeared" to get away from him?

WhatTheNightBrings · 02/03/2019 23:17

How is it judgemental to ask if the OP had any thoughts of other children before this, as she seems to be unperturbed by it.

When the OP started this thread, bigamy was not mentioned. This thread was started because she was concerned her husband might have had a previous marriage he hid from her, I thought it was strange there was no specific mention of the (possible) children.

lyralalala · 02/03/2019 23:29

This thread was started because she was concerned her husband might have had a previous marriage he hid from her, I thought it was strange there was no specific mention of the (possible) children.

The OP’s clear main concern has been her home and the security of that. His possible children don’t impact things in the same way a wife does legally.

AornisHades · 03/03/2019 00:42

The presence of a wife impacts things in a way that children don't. If she isn't actually married that has big immediate implications. The children matter but they don't have immediate legal implications. Bigamy does.

ivykaty44 · 03/03/2019 01:18

To summarise a few points upthread, definitely listed as single informant, mother was listed as having maiden name so married.

On a birth certificate it’s listed as former names - not maiden names, the reason being a woman may have married or changed her name and the name listed might not be the name the mother had at birth

Never assume, always find the evidence

If I was born on December 1 st 1983 my parents have 42 days to Register the birth so the last day they can register me is 12 January 1984. It’s a birth registration index not a birth index therefore the registration may not even be in the same quarter as the birth or even in a different year

If you order a certificate from the General Register Office they will have a record of your order, they keep records of who’s ordered certificates for security reasons for certificates in particular under 50 years old.

ColeHawlins · 03/03/2019 01:35

On a birth certificate it’s listed as former names - not maiden names, the reason being a woman may have married or changed her name and the name listed might not be the name the mother had at birth

Never assume, always find the evidence

Excellent principle to live by.

You can see on this example from the naughties, that there are in fact boxes under "Mother" section for "Maiden Surname" and "Surname at marriage if sifferent from maiden surname".

So you owe OP an apology, I think.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthcertificate#/media/File%3ASpecimennEnglandanddWalesLonggBirthCertificate.jpg

ColeHawlins · 03/03/2019 01:39

This link might be better;

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_certificate