Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible H was married/ had family before me?

355 replies

womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 12:08

Already separating but he was abusive (verbal gaslighting etc.). Suspect having proof he's a liar would be good for my mental health. Found a birth certificate among his papers from before we were married. His name listed as father and informant (so would have to be married to mother right?) Same surname as the mother.

It is a common name and he's from a large family who I've never met so can't ask them (I know major red flag territory.) Can I use this to search for a marriage certificate and confirm the date of birth and know for sure. We are married and declared no previous marriages when filling out wedding licence application. Do they double check these things?

Would rather him not know I know if that makes sense. I don't want to confront him.

OP posts:
Susannach · 02/03/2019 06:07

Hope you get to the bottom of this soon OP, what a shock!

Just wanted to add: if you’re using a shared computer to search all this stuff, be sure to clear your history so that H/DCs don’t accidentally stumble across anything.

Good luck! Wine

PersonaNonGarter · 02/03/2019 06:41

You need legal advice, first thing on Monday.

Re the house, you may be in a stronger position if you aren’t married. (He bought you a house - it is yours. It isn’t a joint asset in the marriage.) However, there will be case law around this so you’ll need specialist advice.

Re the mainentance. This is harder. Will he continue to be unpleasant. If he is in jail he is not going to be working. If you own the house, can you yourself make ends meet? You may not have much of his cash to do it with.

All that said, in your shoes I’d be going stir fucking crazy about a second family. Pay a PI to do the digging and get photos. It will be quicker and less of a head-fuck.

Alwayscheerful · 02/03/2019 06:57

Op I have skimmed the thread. I am on Ancestery. I am pretty sure you can order downloads of certificates ie delivered to your email address, it was a trial for a while but I think they recently made it permanent. PM me if I can help I am good with forensic searching.

Rumbletum2 · 02/03/2019 07:26

Wow op! 😲

What a shock for you 💐

PeakTransedAgain · 02/03/2019 07:55

Agree with others you have done a great job of digging. However you need legal advice Thanks

Elefant1 · 02/03/2019 07:57

I have some experience of bigamy, l was in the process of divorcing exh when he married someone else (long story), his 'wife' only found out when she tried to divorce him. I believe he got a telling off and a fine, definitely not sent to prison.
It must be a huge shock to you, look after yourself Flowers

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/03/2019 08:01

I'm not on ancestry UK but it does appear to have a divorce search. In the circumstances, paying for a subscription might be sensible.

I think the fact that you've requested a copy of his previous marriage certificate is now solid evidence that you know or at least suspect something, and that could be used against you. I really think it's in your best interests to hand this over to a professional asap, or you could be accused of sitting on vital evidence. Either phone a solicitor first thing on monday, or phone the non emergency police now. If you explain your full situation I'm sure they can manage to conduct and investigation without him finding out.

Whatever the outcome of this, sitting on the evidence to protect your own financial interest is a really bad idea. You will almost certainly be found out. Also, if the house is in your name it sounds like you could be financially better off if the marriage is void anyway. I understand not wanting him to go to prison, but I don't see how you can avoid it if that's the way it's going to go. If you keep quiet don't you become an accessory?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You'd obviously already realized he's a massive arsehole, but this is a huge shock.

LostInShoebiz · 02/03/2019 08:06

if you’re using a shared computer to search all this stuff, be sure to clear your history so that H/DCs don’t accidentally stumble across anything.

Not just a shared computer, also if you’re logged in across platforms. If I search something on my phone with my email logged in, when I open up Google on my laptop of work PC with Gmail logged in my past searches from the phone pop up as suggested results.

Happynow001 · 02/03/2019 08:14

Just wanted to add: if you’re using a shared computer to search all this stuff, be sure to clear your history so that H/DCs don’t accidentally stumble across anything. Also as a priority ensure all your accounts (Internet, email, banking) have new access pin codes or passwords).

Skittlesss · 02/03/2019 08:14

Did you confront him then? About the birth certificate? Just wondered with you saying he said the mother was very poorly after birth.

Happynow001 · 02/03/2019 08:18

And log of of any account not in use.

birdling · 02/03/2019 08:27

skittlesss I think OP meant her husband's mother. She was trying to track the person on the marriage records, to check it was him, not someone else with a similar name.
That's how I interpreted it, anyway Smile

sparkly72 · 02/03/2019 08:27

@Skittlesss his mother was ill possibly causing a delay in the registering of his birth, hence being recorded in the next quarter.
Nothing to do with the birth cert she found of his possible child

diddl · 02/03/2019 08:34

"perhaps devout Catholic too and refusing to divorce ? "

After enough years though you don't need permission from the other do you?

GreenTulips · 02/03/2019 09:19

After 5 years you don’t need their agreement but they have to acknowledge receipt of the divorce petition

If h me is wealthy and the first wife is now independent she may be more financially secure if he dies and will claim his estate

RandomMess · 02/03/2019 09:26

If you are divorced you have to jump through hoops to get married in a Catholic Church....

Not sure if you did op?

ColeHawlins · 02/03/2019 09:29

Roughly where did you find the envelope?

Do you think there's any possibility he wanted you to find it?

ShutTheFridgeUp · 02/03/2019 10:12

Has he spoken about the possible other wife before then? How did the conversation come about with regards to her being poorly after a birth? Or have I misunderstood something along the way?!

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 02/03/2019 10:16

ShutTheFridgeUp
RTFT you will get all the info you need, or at least the OP posts

AlexaShutUp · 02/03/2019 10:25

OP, I'm so sorry. This must have been a terrible shock for you. I agree that you should probably seek legal advice.

I hope you are ok.Flowers

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/03/2019 10:26

It's the husband's mother who was poorly after the birth. OP was trying to be sure that the father on the birth certificate was definitely her husband rather than someone else with the same name. I didn't understand the details to be honest but their was a discrepancy in dates and it was to do with their being a big gap between date of birth and date birth was registered, potentially due to his mother having been ill, that it seems resulted in him having been born in one quarter and been registered in the next.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 02/03/2019 10:35

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine thanks! I clearly got confused between mothers.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 02/03/2019 10:39

@WFTisgoingoninmyhead I have RTFT but was still confused. I'm now not.

olderthanyouthink · 02/03/2019 10:45

I love a good dig, did it recently because of someone finding out they have some extra relatives they never knew about. Can find out quite a lot without even paying for stuff sometimes.

lyralalala · 02/03/2019 10:47

Being born mid month, but registered in the next quarter isn't so unusual. You have 42 days to register it. When you consider women used to spend longer in hospital, plus the time to confirm the name choice, plus getting down to the registry office (especially if you have other kids) then a 2 week delay easily takes it into the next month. Which if quarters change makes searching records kept that way a pain!

Swipe left for the next trending thread