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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it possible H was married/ had family before me?

355 replies

womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 12:08

Already separating but he was abusive (verbal gaslighting etc.). Suspect having proof he's a liar would be good for my mental health. Found a birth certificate among his papers from before we were married. His name listed as father and informant (so would have to be married to mother right?) Same surname as the mother.

It is a common name and he's from a large family who I've never met so can't ask them (I know major red flag territory.) Can I use this to search for a marriage certificate and confirm the date of birth and know for sure. We are married and declared no previous marriages when filling out wedding licence application. Do they double check these things?

Would rather him not know I know if that makes sense. I don't want to confront him.

OP posts:

MariaNovella · 01/03/2019 23:27

No, but you need to prepare yourself to go to the police as soon as you have confirmation ie all the certificates. And to prepare yourself for his arrest.

MoorMummy · 01/03/2019 23:35

I’m just glad you’d already made the decision to split and start detaching emotionally , really hoping that this only reconfirms your decision that you are doing the right thing. But please keep safe OP, if cornered he could turn nasty esp if it ends up in criminal proceedings. I wouldn’t think too much about the decent settlement you are currently negotiating as it’s all based on false facts and not to be relied on. Take care and keep posting.

Motherwell91 · 01/03/2019 23:36

Hope you have someone you can also confide in rl to op. This would be a shock for anyone. You need to report to protect yourself. But also look after your self mentally and your kids. Best of luck op

MariaNovella · 01/03/2019 23:38

Do you have family you trust will step up to support you, OP, when you go to the police? It would be a good idea to ask someone to accompany you.

Ce7913 · 01/03/2019 23:49

I would be very cautious if I were you, OP.

History of abuse + vindictive + fundamentally deceptive + entitled and self-serving is a very dangerous combo in a man.

I strongly urge you to seek legal counsel to determine your legal options and responsibilities before you find out anything for certain.

A. Knowing irrefutably that he is committing bigamy and versus merely suspecting it may be two very different things in terms of exposing yourself to being complicit in perjury or fraud (or any other crimes relating to misrepresentation) when it comes to submitting divorce papers, income tax, cash and property transfers, child support, estate planning, insurance etc.). Get counsel to tell you exactly where that line is.

B. Whether you decide to stay separated or divorce, whether you report him or keep his crime quiet, you need to be informed. To know all of your options, how each will impact you and your children now and in the future, and then make your ecision from a position of strength.

... Personally, I couldn't even contemplate not knowing. For all you know, the reason he is not in contact with his biological family or first wife and children is that he is a domestic abuser/child abuser of some stripe.

blackteasplease · 01/03/2019 23:49

A person guilty of bigamy is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding seven years, or on summary conviction to imprisonment for a term not exceeding six months, or to a fine not exceeding the prescribed sum, or to both

This means you can get seven years in prison in the Crown Court or six months in the Magistrates' Court. The Magistrates can't give more than that. You can also get a fine or both (but people don't generally get both)

Talkingfrog · 01/03/2019 23:50

Where will the marriage cert be delivered too. If your home you better make sure you frt to the post first and hide it when received. Then I would suggest a solicitor or the police.

perfectstorm · 01/03/2019 23:55

I'd post over on Legal and ask about this, as it's a complicated situation in legal and financial terms.

It's been a very long time since I studied it so I could be misremembering -please don't rely on this at all - but I'm under the impression that a wholly innocent party in a bigamy case can, in fact, claim financial relief against the guilty, as s/he believed in the marriage as lawful. It's an anomaly, as cohabitants have no such rights and they too are living with someone to whom they are not married, but the detrimental reliance of the innocent party on the validity of their marriage certificate may be why. The key part is that he can't claim it was just a spiritual ceremony or something, and that you knew it wasn't legally binding. If it was a legit marriage ceremony and he lied about a previous wedding, then you, as far as I can remember, have a claim. I don't remember if you can claim in the same way and as much as a legitimate spouse, but I do think that you have grounds for some form of financial settlement - and it's one way; he has no such claims against you, as the guilty party.

When we got married, the registrar told us they'd caught people out more than once by remembering a prior (denied) marriage, checking, and uncovering attempted bigamy at the same registry office! It seems it's more common than people think. Horrible, though, and I'm sorry if this is what you are dealing with.

If he was married when you had the wedding ceremony, then your marriage was never lawful to begin with: it's a void marriage. That's not the same as one that say was never consummated, which is valid unless one party seeks annulment on those grounds, when they can claim it as voidable. In that case it's lawful unless one of the two says they want out on those certain grounds. But if you're too closely related, or one is underage at the ceremony, or one is already married, then it's void from the start.

I'd seek legal advice on this from a specialist, if you can afford it. I'm pretty sure, as I say, that you can seek financial relief if it would be unjust to deny it, in this circumstance, but I have no clue what the process would be or what the limits are.

If, on the other hand, you earn as much or more, or any house/tenancy is in your sole name, then the void marriage with you as innocent party is very useful to you as he is now legally only a cohabitant.

None of us can help you beyond finding out whether he was married, because you need to know what the law is and where you stand. I'd get the certificate checked out first, and then go from there.

Really sorry. This must be a horrible shock.

shakeydrinkey · 01/03/2019 23:57

Wow op what a complete shock to the system.

Weenurse · 02/03/2019 00:07

I am so sorry you are going through this 💐

prh47bridge · 02/03/2019 00:33

House is in my name but he put up the cash could he claim it back as no longer a gift to spouse

If you are validly married the fact the house is in your name is of limited relevance, as is who put up the cash. All assets have to be declared and the courts will want to see a fair split. That doesn't necessarily mean 50/50 - what constitutes a fair split depends on a range of factors.

Trying to think through implications would I have to change my name back? Would the dc's birth certificates need altered? Life insurance would be void as it's a joint policy?

You can do whatever you want with your name. The law doesn't require you to have any particular surname. You can use your maiden name, your married surname (even if you are not actually married), another surname you like or even one you have made up.

The information on the birth certificates is correct so no need to alter them.

It is unlikely that the life insurance is void. You don't have to be married to take out a joint policy.

Original poster

womaninatightspot · 02/03/2019 00:49

I suppose my question is really what happens with the house if the marriage is void? Seems silly to focus on the house but it's security for the dc.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 02/03/2019 01:04

What reason did he give for putting the money in for the house but not a legal owner? That in itself is a bit strange due to the lack of financial security for him.

There must have been a reason?

Is there outstanding debt on it?

Original poster

womaninatightspot · 02/03/2019 01:09

Security for me/ dc. Mortgage is small equity is high.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/03/2019 01:11

The house is in your name so if you're not married then he has no claim on it as of right - he'd have to take you to court for it.

As he's already agreed to leave the house with you and to pay maintenance I have to admit I'd leave this whole mares nest alone. If you piss him off he might get nasty and that could be financially and emotionally damaging.

MariaNovella · 02/03/2019 01:15

That isn’t wise advice. The OP needs to clear this whole mess up.

BlackCatSleeping · 02/03/2019 01:36

Good luck! I think you are right to get as much information as you can before making a decision.

SleepWarrior · 02/03/2019 01:59

If you had discovered the bigamy but chose not to do anything about it could you also get in trouble? And what if it came to light during divorce at some point in the future.

I'd look thoroughly into any possible repercussions for yourself before deciding to stick your head in the sand (if you do, I realise you are undecided at the moment).

IAmNotAWitch · 02/03/2019 02:07

You need to see a lawyer.

All you will get here is speculation and people presenting what they think is the law/or what they think should be the law as fact.

Your situation sounds complicated and potentially dangerous.

Get actual legal advice from a qualified professional.

MumInBrussels · 02/03/2019 02:56

If you're worried about your safety, OP, and I think you said he might react badly, I don't think there would be harm in waiting until he's moved out as part of your separation before you look further into this. Take copies of these certificates you've found, but at the moment all you have is suspicions and it's maybe not a terrible idea to ensure you and your children are safe before you confirm those suspicions.

I agree some proper, qualified legal advice would be helpful as soon as you can get it, though. And maybe talking to one of the charities that deals with domestic abuse and seeing if they have advice on this - you probably aren't the only person who's been in this situation, unusual though it is.

I hope you're ok, this must be a huge shock.

Ce7913 · 02/03/2019 03:20

GreenTulips

"What reason did he give for putting the money in for the house but not a legal owner? That in itself is a bit strange due to the lack of financial security for him. There must have been a reason?"

I'd imagine bygamists to have all manner of possible vested interests in asset concealment.

They are entitled and deceptive on the most fundamental level. This guy is abusive on top, and apparently (?) capable of ditching his children and not ever looking back.

...So it's not a stretch to see him doing things this way to minimise his risk of exposure, avoid enforcement of possible child support orders, or avoid other judgements entered as a result of other legal proceedings (e.g. victim's compensation or a civil suit) that people like this tend to rack up.

OP may have had other actual reasons, obv.

2birds1stone · 02/03/2019 03:49

So.... his online presence is under a false name and hidden, he goes on regular work trips abroad but you have no guarantee he gets on a flight, he put a massive asset in your name alone (house), no family were invited to the wedding and he is abusive....

If he is previously married I wouldn't be at all suprised that he is living a double life.....

Op this is a terrible mess and I wish you all the luck. Also agreeing with others when you have the proof then seek legal counsel on the next steps. You need someone with all the information laid out in front of them to advise you on your position and what to do.

perfectstorm · 02/03/2019 04:35

You need to see a solicitor. This is all really complicated, and you have major assets in the picture, with a questionably valid marriage, and he put a lot of money into the house, even if it's in only your name. Nobody here can advise you competently - even a lawyer would need a lot more information. I'm really sorry to have to say this, as obviously it's expensive, but you need to see someone good.

Call Rights of Women and/or Women's Aid and ask for a recommendation for a good local solicitor. You need to know where to start.

RebootYourEngine · 02/03/2019 04:36

Oh OP what a mess

MrsBertBibby · 02/03/2019 05:18

I suppose my question is really what happens with the house if the marriage is void?

As it is in your name, if nothing is done it remains yours.

In cases of bigamy, the Court can grant a decree of nullity, and then has the power to deal with finances as in a divorce.

A divorce is not available as there is no marriage to dissolve.

Child maintenance is payable under CMS rules in any case.

Definitely see a good family solicitor, OP.

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