To be this worried about my son's absence?

[Sowing747]

My DS15 is in Y10 and has mocks coming up shortly.

He is bright, sporty and organised, but his absences this academic year have really stacked up and his average is currently 92%. In a recent school talk we were told that, although 95% minimum was acceptable officially, it should be higher when you get to Y10 if you want to do ok.

He spent most of yesterday evening working on three homework assignments then apparently slept really badly and was in a right state this morning, so he's off today.

He wants to start a monthly gym membership and I'd like to say it will have to wait until he can get his attendance up to 97%. On the other hand, going to the gym regularly gives structure to his week and is a great stress reliever (although he also plays rugby three times a week).

AIBU to postpone this gym membership?

Why are you totally ignoring what people are saying to you? It is poor parenting to 1) have enabled your son to have unfettered access to his devices at night and then 2) allowed him to stay off school because he was tired and then 'looked a bit down.' Seriously - you ARE babying him! There is no way he should have had today off amd he also shouldn't routinely be having time off for coughs and colds! Sickness bugs or fully blown flu, sure, but not coughs and colds. You need to be the parent here and teach your DS some resilience - otherwise how is he going to manage a full-time job as an adult or learn the skills to regulate his own attendance?! Don't just turn off the WiFi - he can still use his phone and games when he's offline, just not for web based apps. Insist he hands all devices over at 10pm. My DS is younger than yours (12) but he just brings me his phone and laptop as a matter of routine now at bedtime.

Also - wtaf that sending him in 'smacks of presenteeism'? Are you actually serious? Get him into school this afternoon! And stop letting him stay off!

It's called dinnertime+

I have a 15yo DS. Yabu to let his attendance slip this badly with no excuse of 'proper' illness.

92% is close to one day off a fortnight?!!!

"presenteeism ?"
You are required to legally send him to school, so that he is present and does not miss even more work

Do his friends - who allegedly have no limits on device time - also have 92 % absence ?

Maybe they don't do any sport ?

Maybe offer gym membership as a reward if he avoids any further absences until after his exams
(obviously excluding genuine illness like D&V, fever etc)

with the promise that gym would be taken away immediately if another skiving absence haoppens.

You’re enabling behaviour that will set him up to fail in the future tbh. Surely you can see that?

@SinkGirl although he's popular and seems confident and athletic, he admitted to us two months ago, after an incident at school, that he's had "constant butterflies" in his stomach ever since he can remember, and that he thought this happened to everyone until he mentioned it to friends and found out it wasn't normal.

It did occur to me in hindsight that this might have been the cause of some of his absences (although that by no means excuses them).

I've since found him a really good psycotherapist that specialises in teenagers, who he's been seeing weekly for about a month. We're reviewing after next week though, and hopefully won't need to continue (or if we do do, then less frequently).

You are required to legally send him to school, so that he is present and does not miss even more work

But da poor lickle pickle is poorly sick! He has a tickly wickly coughie woughie and is a lickle sleepy head! So nice, kind Mumsie is keeping her baby boy home, away from that nasty school.

I think there might be a girl issue too currently...

That's not an excuse for absence anymore than tiredness is. He can't avoid school or work everytime he has relationship problems.

I took my boys devices away at 9pm Sunday-Thursday until his final gcse was taken. He moaned about it but he actually thanked me later.

My children have very close to 100% attendance. Even if they have been to (for example) a concert and got in at 2 or 3am they have gone to school the next morning. It’s helped when they have come to get a job later.

I should mention that he had said he had a splitting headache too this morning.

I think that if he’s struggling with sleep and anxiety he should be allowed to go to the gym because it will help with that. But I think taking away devices after 10pm is a good idea. I read a crazy statistic saying something like 40% of teens wake in the night to check their social media. It can be a difficult addiction.

🙄 drip feed much? He had a splitting headache because he didn't get much sleep. Paracetamol and off to school. Why post if you intend to totally ignore the majority of responses?!

God the nasty gang are out in force today!
OP, as he's off now today not a lot you can do about it. Have a chat and let him know that in future, he won't be getting a day off due to lack of sleep. Let him know you are there for a chat if he needs.

My DS is in Y11 and sleeps very badly. He is autistic though and it can gonwith the territory a bit.

The most I do is take him in late to school primarily because I couldn’t be nflict him upon them with just three hours sleep.

I did keep him out for a week last year to get his sleep sorted but he has specific issues so it’s more understandable for school,

I wouldn’t ever keep him out for a day based on one bad night,

Gosh some of you are so...um....supportive.

My DD age 15 has depression and anxiety; I'm in a support group for parents of kids in the same position and almost everyone is in year 10 or 11. She used to have time off with lots of virus type symptoms before the depression started, has now been out of mainstream school since last year. She has to attend a hospital school a few hours a week, is under CAMHS etc., is unable to leave her room let alone the house most days. The hospital school say that in years 10 and 11 they are busiest because kids just cant take the GCSE pressure. Of course its not always as simple as that and there are other issues. Just as its not always as straightforward as turn the wi-fi off. But you are posting AIBU and they do things differently here .

I'm not suggesting your son is the same, but in AIBU most replying here won't have that sort of depression in teenagers on their radar (and many wont care either way). As it is it looks like you've paid for a private therapist, so you've done as much as you can; you'll get something similar at CAMHS but it will take months to get it iyswim. There are teens and teens mental health boards - I think you'd get better advice over there.

It's nearly 11am now, he can be in school for 12

Just to clarify it won’t make any difference to his percentage of non attendance as he will have already been marked absent today.

Is there any dyslexia or anything like that going on.
Is it just that he has put off and put off the assignments or is he working on them and not really getting very far.
Is he staring at a blank piece of paper for hours on end not knowing what to write.

I am only asking because I used to be like this and now realise I have dyslexia. I would end up with so much incomplete home work that I had to take days off just to catch up. Ended up playing truant because if you didn’t go to school you didn’t get the homework

Its often a good idea to remove tech half an hour to an hour before bedtime.

In that time, reading a book is encouraged.

This is what we generally try with our kids. Plus their kindles go into lockdown at 7pm and 8pm.

i'm a chronic lifelong sufferer of insomnia and it can leave you with nauseating headaches, but beating the cause is always the best idea.

You are required to legally send him to school, so that he is present and does not miss even more work

Actually legally you don’t have to send your child to school.

My thoughts are there is a lot more going on. The butterflies in the stomach is something I relate to.

I hated going into school, would have loved to have been HE. Ended up with stomach ulcers at 12 years old.

Attendance is counted in half days so it would have counted for him to go in. And more importantly, he'd have been in lessons learning.

DishingOutDone
Great post. Hope things get better with your DD. My niece went through similar at 15. So tough to get help and to spot it before it becomes something much larger.

Thank you for all the helpful replies and I'm sorry to hear about the teenagers suffering a lot more than my DS.

He told me he doesn't have depression btw, just the anxiety - untypical I know, but he was very clear about it.

I'm also pretty certain he doesn't have dyslexia, although English is not his best subject.

His autumn 2018 assessments were graded between 4 and 6+ (equivalent to Cs & Bs with the new numbering system), so he doesn't seem to be struggling. His friends seem to have similar marks. Maybe, like some PPs have suggested, he's just feeling the pressure now.

His autumn 2018 assessments were graded between 4

With the grade boundaries so far having been pretty low for the new 9-1 GCSEs (Maths has been 17% for a 4, for example), I would reassess your viewpoint that he is not struggling.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames
Not all schools do it that way

I would look at dyslexia. Is there a big disparity anywhere between say English and Maths.

I ask as with dd and ds and me who are all dyslexic.

Maths is something that we passed with flying colours yet English was the equivalent of a U.