To be this worried about my son's absence?

[Sowing747]

My DS15 is in Y10 and has mocks coming up shortly.

He is bright, sporty and organised, but his absences this academic year have really stacked up and his average is currently 92%. In a recent school talk we were told that, although 95% minimum was acceptable officially, it should be higher when you get to Y10 if you want to do ok.

He spent most of yesterday evening working on three homework assignments then apparently slept really badly and was in a right state this morning, so he's off today.

He wants to start a monthly gym membership and I'd like to say it will have to wait until he can get his attendance up to 97%. On the other hand, going to the gym regularly gives structure to his week and is a great stress reliever (although he also plays rugby three times a week).

AIBU to postpone this gym membership?

What everyone else said, send him in now, take his devices off him at bedtime, and don’t let him stay off because he’s “tired”. Jesus! You’re doing him no favours parenting him like this! Step up!

I would have given him the choice this morning. Either go to school or lose all devices over the weekend.

(Actually I would have sent him to school but I get the feeling that your ds doesn't do what you tell him to do)

It's not too late to do that now OP. Tell him he's had time to rest, he needs to go in now.

Out of interest, has he spent the morning catching up on sleep or as screen time?

So if he is off school today - what is he doing? What is he going to be doing tonight? And over the weekend?

Send him to school.

Thanks everyone - removing the devices again until after Y12 seems like a very good idea!

@TheFallenMadonna what is the app you mention that enables you to switch off social media? My DH can do this through BT, but your's sounds simpler.

My mother would have laughed in my face if I said I didn't want to go to school because I was too tired. Do you work OP? If so would you phone in sick because you had a rough night kip??

Remove the devices!!

My DS also year 10, wifi off at 9:30 on school nights and 2 days a week totally tech free. I don't take his stuff, we just block the wifi to his Xbox and phone etc. I couldn't care less what his friends do. Although weekends and holidays he can do what he likes. Seems to work for me, he's up at 7 with rarely any prompting and he respects that school comes first.

Do you suspect there is more to this OP? Or simply a hormonal teen?

@DishingOutDone one of the reasons I relented today is that he looked extremely down as well. I've never kept him off for just tiredness before, he's just had a lot of colds and coughs this academic year. I think there might be a girl issue too currently...

WiFi turning off automatically seems to be the way to go. I actually feel very relieved going back to this again - very glad I posted!

You aren't listening. Send him to school.

This sound like a slippery slope to me OP. He knows he can get a day off just by looking a bit sad. The school won't be very impressed with your decisions. Why aren't you taking him in now?

OP you are not taking on board the vast majority of the comments, namely YOU SHOULD NOT BE LETTING HIM STAY OFF SCHOOL MERELY BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SLEEP WELL.

He's had plenty of time for a lie-in so send him in now, and do not ever let him stay off again just for tiredness. I think he is old enough to start managing his devices himself and once he learns the consequences of it - that he has to go in however little sleep he has - he might manage it a bit better.

Oh and I see his other absences have been for coughs and colds. Again, unless he is really ill with it, send him in. He can't stay home with every little sniffle.

If he is struggling to complete his school assignments on time, as it sounds, then he definitely shouldn't be taking on extra commitments like gym. going to the gym regularly gives structure to his week - erm, going to SCHOOL regularly gives structure to his week. Until he can do the basics then he doesn't get to do the fun stuff.

My reception aged child complained about being tired this morning. She's at school today.

Meanwhile your son is at home no doubt playing on the very devices that have made him tired.

You are very much part of the problem OP. Get him dressed, get him out the house and into school. You're failing him by being so soft.

I don't want to baby him

Well, letting him stay home because he is tired and because of sniffles is babying him.

Keeping him off because of lack of sleep is acceptable in Reception but not in y10. If he's tired he can go to bed after dinner. My y8 son went to bed at 6:30pm last night as he was so tired but went in as normal this morning.

The level of absence currently could mean him dropping one grade, or possibly two at GCSE. It’s moving towards 10%. That’s a day per fortnight. Being tired, having a cold, or falling out with a girl aren’t reasons for taking a day off.

I think you are distracted with 'what to do next'. Focus on what you can do now - which is send him to school.
Did he finish the homework? Three assignments is a lot in one evening. Could this be why he convinced you that he should stay home?
My son played rugby and was a member of swim club in year 10. As he got a bit older 16/17 he joined the gym - he was swimming less/having to study a bit more. Also the gym is expensive - save the money - rugby, school sport is enough.

@sowing yes my DD is amazing and I am very proud of her but until she grew up a bit I had to be tough and say " I know you don't feel well but you'll feel better later when the meds work so go to school and let your friends cheer you up etc". Nowadays she knows what she wants to do and doesn't want waste what she has already achieved.

Until they are old enough to be responsible, you have to do it for them.

My 7 year old was tired and teary this morning. He is at school because being tired isn't a valid reason. He didn't ask to stay at home because even he knows he has to go to school and tomorrow is Saturday so he can rest then. I really think you should have encouraged him to go in. Sorry.

He's in the shower now!!

I think there might be a girl issue too currently
eh? you're letting him stay off school because he's tired and has girlfriend issue?
Do you take a lot of time off work yourself op?

You're bringing up an entitled wimp. How will it help him cope in the real world if he thinks sleeping badly means you can take a day off?! Would you employ someone who did that?

Can I suggest a different approach. Are his homework assignments finished? I guess they are not and that he is panicking about this. Switch off the Wifi, get him to pick one piece to finish today and give you the other two so that they are out of his hands. When he finishes it he can have the Wifi back. Then repeat on Saturday and Sunday so he finishes his work ready for Monday.

I know people are saying send him in, but if he is stressed out he will not learn whereas he could have a focussed afternoon and feel that he is 'clearing the decks' mentally.

@lizzzyyliveson I think that's a good idea. Just sending him in now smacks of presenteeism.

Fucks sake.

There is NOTHING wrong with him. It doesn't "smack of presenteeism". He has to be at school. Not negotiable.

Why can't you see that??

What have been the reasons for his absences throughout the year? Random small illnesses, an ongoing health issue, mental health issues, problems at school?

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he’s off so often, why he’s anxious, why he’s not sleeping well.

You said he’s down - is he often depressed? I agree you need to be firm but also if he’s struggling with his mental or physical health he needs help with that.