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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's fine not to want visitors for a few days after bringing baby home

47 replies

Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 01/03/2019 08:12

We were planning on asking people to give us a couple of days visitor free at home, before we start arranging for people to come round and meet the new baby. Obviously people can visit in hospital first so they aren't kept waiting for too long.

This is so we get time to bond as a family and settle, and also let the dog adjust slightly to the new addition actually being there, before visitors start coming in and out.

But recently I've heard a lot about other people getting stick for having the same wishes, or not inviting family that live a long distance away to stay following the birth of the baby. We wouldn't even contemplate asking people to stay to be honest...

AIBU?

OP posts:
shopaholics · 01/03/2019 08:20

Not unreasonable at all! I'm due in July and I'm only having very close family to visit initially and then a big bbq at the beginning of August for everyone else to visit because I can't stand people coming in and out all day (and I've got inconsiderate people who don't take their shoes off so I don't want to be clearing up after loads of dirty shoes each day either).
You need to bond with baby, and you need time to adjust to living with a baby before having to worry about the state of the house or how you're looking or any of that rubbish. If people argue with it then they're just lower down the list of who gets to visit first when you do allow visitors 🤷‍♀️

shopaholics · 01/03/2019 08:22

Oh and don't invite people to stay unless you think it could help you out! If you think they'd just be extra to look after just say you're so busy keeping the house in order as it is you can't possibly have anyone to stay. They might keep on if they're annoying but just keep reiterating it or maybe ask another family member if they'd put them up for a few days?

Original poster
Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 01/03/2019 08:28

I 100% don't think anyone staying would help us out so would prefer them to put themselves up in one of the many caravan sites or b&bs surrounding us, if they wanted to come and visit.

And thank-you. I'm the same as you, I want time for us all to settle a bit, not worry about entertaining. After a few days DH will start organising people coming round (not all at once) then we were going to have something like a big get together a few months later for anyone who hadn't really met them yet.

OP posts:
HK20 · 01/03/2019 08:30

100% not unreasonable! I'm 31 weeks and have a huge family so already dreading been inundated with visitors. I think I'm going to do the same and ask people to give us some space for the first week or so!

SnuggyBuggy · 01/03/2019 08:31

Not unreasonable. This is a tiny part of your baby's life and there is plenty of time for other family members to bond and build a relationship

FrozenMargarita17 · 01/03/2019 08:34

I think it's absolutely reasonable. Babies don't go off !

I had people piling into my house for days and I was exhausted, still recovering and also had an infection. I was shivery and sweating while people passed my baby around.

Dreamingofkfc · 01/03/2019 08:35

It's not unreasonable however I would say keep an open mind. I was on such an oxytocin high that I wanted to show off my baby and felt fine so people popped by with some food, saw us and left. It was great.

Bellendejour · 01/03/2019 08:39

So I’ve just been trying to work this out. I’m actually not really sure about hospital visit as I’ll be exhausted/in pain/trying to breastfeed (first baby) - my parents aren’t coming for a couple of weeks as they live q far away but in laws are just down the road... I’m not sure I’ll be up for it until we get home (maybe day 3 or 4) but is this unusual? DP is happy with whatever I want but trying to work out if it’s going to cause drama with the ILs. I might be okay but might not be and find his mum overbearing at the best of times (she was q unwelcoming, rude, controlling and said odd/critical/offensive stuff when first together so still trying to get past that!) Just worried how I will feel when exhausted and in pain etc. But will she expect to visit in hospital?

RicStar · 01/03/2019 08:48

I don't think you have to make a rule see how you feel/ how baby is. It's nice that people care / are interested. Most people (despite mn) have some social cues and will only stay a little while. But equally if you are feeling really unwell dh can keep them away.

BeanTownNancy · 01/03/2019 08:56

If you're not up to it, you're not.

To be fair, when it comes to my in-laws (all lovely but I'm not 100% comfortable around them if I'm not feeling great), I was always fine with my husband asking me if someone could come and see him/the baby, and then if I wasn't up for it I would just stay in bed and rest and he would take the baby downstairs to meet the family. They got to see the baby and I got to see the inside of my eyelids for an hour or so (which is so welcome in the early days).

I had a c-section though and our baby was in the neonatal unit so most of the close family met him there, so no one could expect me to "host" them. Grin

Original poster
Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 01/03/2019 09:08

But will she expect to visit in hospital?

If you don't want her to visit in hospital then just make sure she is aware. Personally I'd rather go with the hospital visit because hospitals are boring so people don't stay for as long, they won't expect to be hosted for, they won't wind up my dog and then complain about it after, and nobody will start making jokes about how tired I look already. That way they have had their fix for a few days until we get settled.

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 01/03/2019 09:18

Totally reasonable. Some people are ready for visitors immediately and others aren’t. You’ll no doubt get some bitchy responses about you being precious and depriving family as these threads always go the same way.

naughtynewname · 01/03/2019 09:28

I'm worried about this at the moment. I feel like to cope this time around I'll need about a week. But no matter how nicely we say this to his family, his mum will insist on visiting anyway and I can't see him stopping her at the door. So I'm just starting to feel anxious about it now.
I know I'll be emotional and not up for it and need at least 4-5 days and I know that people not respecting that will only make me feel worse.
How do you handle that?

NorthernRunner · 01/03/2019 09:34

This is on my mind too.
After dc1 was born my mom and MIL stayed at the house for about 5 days each. It was useful but we haven’t got a massive place so it was also fairly noisy and claustrophobic, I also had PND although didn’t realise at the time.
This time round with DC2 I have already told mom and MIL you can visit but you aren’t to stay here. We live in London so I know paying for a travelodge or similar wouldn’t be cheap for several days which I’m relieved about. I love my family dearly but I’m worried about PND reoccurring and just want a bit of peace

lmusic87 · 01/03/2019 09:35

I would respectfully ask that you would like space to bond as a family and to adjust.

Keep sticking to it, and send the odd photo of the baby to placate them.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 01/03/2019 09:38

I learnt after my first and with my second, I arranged one day where any family could come but they all had to come for the same time and could only stay an hour.

It worked. I don't have much family though, and the ex basically has none.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/03/2019 09:43

My advice to anyone would be wait and see what happens. Birth is unpredictable. Emotions after birth are unpredictable. Newborn babies are unpredictable. You have no idea how you're going to feel.

You might feel great and be desperate to show your baby off. You might desperately want time alone. Just don't make any promises now and see how it goes. With DC2 I felt great almost immediately after the birth. The day after I left hospital I was happily hosting visitors, in full make up, full of energy and feeling very sociable. Two weeks later PND hit me like a ton of bricks, completely out of the blue and all of a sudden I couldn't face anyone. I just stayed inside, crying uncontrollably with the curtains drawn and wouldn't answer the door. I was very glad i'd gotten the initial rush of visitors out of the way in the first couple of weeks!

BrightYellowHat · 01/03/2019 09:47

We let people pop round just for a few minutes during the first few days. It took the pressure off us because everyone had met the baby. So I think we had less hassle that way.

Doghorsechicken · 01/03/2019 09:53

I’m with you OP. I hated that everyone came round when I felt so shattered and sore. When baby was slightly older and I wanted visitors they were nowhere to be seen! He’s much more fun and cute now at 9 months than he was as a newborn! I wouldn’t mind but only my mum ever helped with things everyone else acted as guests and expected me to get them drinks and snacks. Plus I was constantly trying to keep the house reasonably clean and tidy for the visitors coming. I didn’t enjoy the first few weeks. I’d say go for it OP!

IWantChocolates · 01/03/2019 09:54

I didn't think I wanted people around but I loved showing everyone my new baby! It was a bit sad when the visitors started to tail off. Smile

Plus, we were only in hospital overnight, home at midday the next day so not much time for people to visit in hospital.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/03/2019 09:56

I just remember being named from the waist up and sobbing for the first week or so. I'd have told my DM(who I'm actually really close to) to fuck off at that point

Pishogue · 01/03/2019 09:59

Of course it's not unreasonable, OP.

Some of the vitriol about this on Mn seems to me to be down to a poorly-thought-out and sexist set of ideas about how now it's all about the baby and the wider family, and that a recently-delivered woman (who may of course be fine after an uncomplicated birth, but also may not be fine at all after a difficult birth with a lot of intervention) has to suck it up and be selfless and hostess-y, because God forbid she puts herself first for a few days.

iolaus · 01/03/2019 10:01

With my youngest (born at home) I told everyone we were having 24 hours just us and the older children.

Even parents etc (mine came up when he was about 24hours and 2 minutes)

Noodledoodledoo · 01/03/2019 10:13

It is completely personal choice, but I am one who doesn't get this thinking.

With my first I had a section and had visitors in hospital, then was home on day 3 and was happy to have visitors, found being at home a bit boring to be honest - met my NCT group in the pub for lunch at the end of the week. With second my dad was staying anyway as needed him for childcare for first was nice to have people around to help out.

All my visitors were helpful, didn't expect hosting though.

Agree with others - wait and see and don't make any announcments or promises as you won't know how you are feeling.

Original poster
Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 01/03/2019 10:34

To be honest I do understand everyone saying wait and see but one of the biggest reasons I am trying to pre plan and warn family is because of settling the dog in to brotherly life. We are doing lots of pre baby prep (he loves kids but want to make sure it goes as smooth as possible and him not to get confused) and I don't want it to go out the window if he ends up unsettled/overwhelmed by a new baby and lots of visitors - we don't have visitors all the time.
So even if I'm feeling great, for the sake of making my life easier in the long run, I think I'll still be saying no visitors.

I know I'll be emotional and not up for it and need at least 4-5 days and I know that people not respecting that will only make me feel worse.
How do you handle that?

I'm going to ask DH to gate keep, and keep his foot down.

OP posts: