To think it's fine not to want visitors for a few days after bringing baby home

[Crunchycrunchycrunchy]

We were planning on asking people to give us a couple of days visitor free at home, before we start arranging for people to come round and meet the new baby. Obviously people can visit in hospital first so they aren't kept waiting for too long.

This is so we get time to bond as a family and settle, and also let the dog adjust slightly to the new addition actually being there, before visitors start coming in and out.

But recently I've heard a lot about other people getting stick for having the same wishes, or not inviting family that live a long distance away to stay following the birth of the baby. We wouldn't even contemplate asking people to stay to be honest...

AIBU?

I know it might sound silly making plans around the dog, but that is how dogs get used to having a new baby in the house :) I do of course want bonding time for DH, myself and baby! I've been irritable with guests overstaying their welcome in pregnancy so I imagine I'll be worse after.

It’s not unreasonable in the slightest and I did the same. I wasn’t ‘brave’ enough with my first two DC but once I had DC3 and 4 I made sure everyone knew to leave us alone for a while . Best thing I ever did, the last thing anyone wants is the in-laws popping round when you’re hobbling around in PJs with breast milk leaking everywhere.

It's not unreasonable to account for the dogs feelings - he's part of the family too!

👍🏻crunchy I totally understand what you are saying and don’t blame you at all. It can be so overwhelming. I like to keep my house as calm and quiet as possible (I suffer with anxiety and mild depression so peace is very important to me) and when we have three or four adults in the house, it feels cramped and stressful. My cats go into hiding and my daughter gets hyped up.
It’s very reasonable to say just give us a few days to get sorted. Even if you feel on top of the world and the dog is very comfortable, you will never regret having a few days to yourselves

For me this is baby no 3, and I know especially with breastfeeding too, between day 3-5 I just get so overly emotional that I need to be secure in my own space. So I need to find a way to put visitors off for that long at least just to support myself.

Not even slightly unreasonable. We did the same when DD was born. Apart from my mum who was present at the birth, no one visited in hospital or at home for a week from when we got back at my request. I was in no state mentally or physically to have any visitors at all and I am so glad it was just me, DH and DD.

However saying that I don't think I'd do the same next time. Part of the reason I didn't want visitors was related to my OCD which was not under control at all back then. I also was suffering from PTSD from the birth which I didn't realise at the time. My mental health is much better now and I'd like to think that next time I'd have more visitors sooner, but ultimately it will still be my choice! Do whatever you feel comfortable with.

@naughtynewname tbh we found with our third people weren't knocking down the door like they were with our first...with friends it was a case of oh he's out, that's great we'll catch up soon. Ha

Yanbu. You need to rest and recover.

@frozen "babies don't go off"

Thanks all. This has made me feel better!

Not at all. I’d ask for at least a couple of weeks.

The only person who saw me in hospital was DH, twice. After our second was born, we stated we were having NO visitors for a week afterwards to allow DC1 to get used to the baby etc

I had pretty straightforward births but would have hated anyone else to see me when I felt so vulnerable / bruised / sore / stitched and the best thing I did was state that I didn't want any visitors at hospital

Why don't you wait and see how you feel?

Crunchy you seem to know yourself and what you need and should feel no qualms about setting up visiting so that it works for you after the birht. I know that when I am stressed and dealing with something difficult and new, particularly if I am feeling vulnerable, I do not like having other people around except DH.

I absolutely knew, for this reason, I wouldn't want people to visit for a time after dd was born and it was better for us to have accepted this in advance so we could arrange visits for a couple of weeks after. It stopped people having the expectation that we would want a visit straight away and having to find nice ways to put them off when we were exhausted and not a little traumatised (it was a bit of a tricky birth in the end).

If you know you are someone who finds people around at these sorts of times hard than it makes far more sense to arrange matters in advance so you don't have to deal with them arriving on the doorstep than hold off on the possibility that you might have some sort of personality transplant upon the birth of your child.

With dc4 I did have my mum staying before the birth as childcare for the others. She then stayed for 2 days afterwards and it was the best thing ever, I stayed in bed with baby almost permanently attached to breast, she brought me food and drink and looked after the other dc. It got breastfeeding going, I had two days of complete rest (apart from the whole being awake all night with a hungry baby thing) and re-emerged on day three ready for visitors. Dp had to work the days immediately after the birth but I suspect he wouldn’t have done such a good job of bringing me food and drink as my mum anyway

Don’t set anything in stone and just see how you feel but I would definitely recommend a period of complete rest for a couple of days after the birth, I’ve never let myself do that before but it was great.

Also you never know what situation post birth with the baby will be. Our baby had jaundice so we spent the first few days going to the hospital every few hours for the billy flash test

@megletthesecond it's one of my favourite sayings

Of course, I wouldn't even dare visit people who just had a baby for at least 2 weeks, even more if they want!

Some people donget funny about it. We were in hospital longer than expect and then because of the jaundice in and out for a few days more at really odd hours so said to family no visits yet just until we’re discharged and my sil threw a massive tantrum saying it was rude and unfair

You’ll get a split of opinion on mn, OP.

I don’t think YABU but others will. Do what’s right for you (your baby and partner)

I just know my MIL will lose her mind when we have kids - she was bad enough for the wedding. She should know better because my husband's birth was very traumatic - 25 weeks, over 25 years ago - but I've learned that whilst she is very reasonable on paper and in conversation, she will get over excited and enthusiastic and ANNOYING in execution.

Fortunately my husband is more than aware, and more than happy to fend her off.

Do what makes you comfortable. Ask them to wait a week or so after you get back from hospital.

And Beantown has a good suggestion for the first few weeks too, about retreating upstairs.

I hate visitors coming after birth so I don't think you're unrrsslmable.