Aibu to be annoyed at SIL

[JenLaBe]

Hello,

So long story short. A few months ago, my sil and her family cane to our, mine and dh, house. We had a lovely time and I invited them to come back at a later date for a playtime as our DC are same age ish.

She said yes, smile and all.

Her other older child was keeping on going upstairs in the rooms and especially the one of our dc so I went up and ask him to join us back down. He was literally lying on the mattress which i use to change dc and was loving it. Anyway, slipt through my mouth (which I hope I had kept shut now) to ask if one day he would like to come over for a sleep over. Eyes full on stars, he nodded. Couldn't be happier.
We both go down and I share with his mom that there was an open invitation for this young man to whenever she saw was possible and that we could talk more when she comes to have the playtime with my DC and hers.

A few weeks later, i send a message about the playtime and no answer. Like at all but a date to which she could come for the sleepover. Now my DC is very young so literally my lo was excluded from that and she was saying nothing about the playtime.
My hubby send a message to ask if she would like to answer about the playtime too to which she answers she doesn't have time for games.

So we both leave it honestly hurt for her dc.

Then her dc's birthday come. We reach out to make sure that we can give a gift and see him for his birthday. She invited us at hers. Lovely time. 5 months has passed so I reinvite for the playtime to which she says yes.
I said great! And that when she comes we can discuss about the sleepover, she said yes.

And to our surprise. Again. No mention for our DC at all but a date was given to us to when she could come for the sleepover.

This has now completely blown out as she refuses to even understand that she can't just take on half the invite and blank out our DC while expecting us to host her for the night!!! Oh yes, she would be coming with her dc too...

Aibu to be VERY annoyed??? And to have just hold my ground saying both invites were made and that she can accept or refuse both??

If you communicate like this with your SIL, she’s probably just as confused as we are.

thanks ladies,

I think it is a mix bag.
Like what I feel so...

Maybe weekends are important time for her as a family. I absolutely love spending time with my husband and daughter and if we have a rare

It might be that she doesn't intend to be rude but it's all a bit mixup/mis communication

I'd probably arrange the sleepover and enjoy the time getting to know her and your nephew

Then say that it would be lovely to get the smaller kids together at some point (maybe in the week if you both work part time)-if she isn't keen on a home play date maybe meet halfway or go to her. This sounds easier discussed in person

Maybe weekends are important time for her as a family. I absolutely love spending time with my husband and daughter and if we have a rare weekend day spare we do turn down invites. It's also time to visit grandparents etc etc so it can be busy

It might be that she doesn't intend to be rude but it's all a bit mixup/mis communication

I'd probably arrange the sleepover and enjoy the time getting to know her and your nephew

Then say that it would be lovely to get the smaller kids together at some point (maybe in the week if you both work part time)-if she isn't keen on a home play date maybe meet halfway or go to her. This sounds easier discussed in person

Just arrange a sleepover for now? 🤷‍♀️

You invited the boy for a sleepover. You said he seemed really excited. He doesn't know or care about all this extra drama. Just set a date and be done with it, spend some time with him.

I don't understand what you mean. Perhaps your SIL doesn't either.

Sorry it posted before I had finished but told me not posted so I've posted the same thing twice but the first one unfinished! Please ignore that one

I think this has been one big piss take

Say what now?

Some posters on this thread need to have a serious word with themselves & you wonder why we now have a national reputation as racist fuckwits😏

The OP clearly has English as a second language, I wonder how many of you could write her language fluently 😏

Tend to agree, Drogo. very funny, though

This makes no sense

OP - I get that you had it ordered in your head, but maybe SIL is thinking that the older child doesn't get a look in with her Uncle and Aunt - who he really likes seeing because understandably Uncle and Aunt (and SIL) are always preoccupied with the younger children. So nephew has been very excited to SIL about staying with Uncle and Aunt and so SIL has suggested this be the first move?

Am not sure why the "order" of play date then sleep over has to be in that order. What materially changes for any of you if it goes sleepover then play date? Your younger children will have a nice playdate and the older nephew will have one to one time with Aunt and Uncle (who give him stars in his eyes). Could you see it as lovely that he wants to be with you?

Well from what I understand (which I grant you, may well not be right, as it does seem to be very confusing), you invited your nephew for a sleepover, without checking with your sil, ( which in my opinion is a mistake, you should always check with the adult first), he accepted (with stars in his eyes). You now need to honour your invitation. The play date is a red herring and has nothing to do with the sleepover that you offered.

Honestly, i wish she had tried to explain her behavior as much as you try.

we will probably just leave it here on this matter. I mean, she was seriously rude. It was an open invitation so no pending date. And we will offer something else to the young lad with quality time far away from any kind of sleepover or playtime topics of conversation. So away from tensions.

Thanks again ladies for your input.

Oh good god 🙄

My head hurts

Weirdest thread and OP dilemma ever.

OP - do what works for you.

But, from the outside, I'm afraid it's you who appears to be a bit "rude" about this situation.

1. You offered a sleepover to your eldest nephew and he's excited about it.

2. You think it's all tit-for-tat with some sort of entertainment exchange with your own children.

The two things are unrelated.

I am unclear on how old any of the DC involved are, but I am sure it's a massive miscommunication between the adults.

You should never have offered the sleepover to the older child if you didn’t intend to follow through within a short space of time, children don’t understand open ended invitations or that it was a tit for tat invitation.

Maybe next time you should consult with your SIL before making promises to her children.

I agree, maybe she's annoyed you offered a sleep over to her child without checking with her first.

You are coming across as quite hard work.

YABU. Maybe she's busy with the younger one or doesn't want her younger child playing with yours or because she doesn't want to spend time with you. Maybe she'd just like the older child to have the sleepover. Why is that a problem? That child is your nephew/niece. Surely having them for a sleepover would be a nice thing for you to do as the child was excited about it, and you shouldn't have to 'get' something in return for spending time with your DN?

I agree, maybe she's annoyed you offered a sleep over to her child without checking with her first.

I agree with this too. I remember this happening several times with DD when she was small too. They get so excited about it that it ends up being stressful at home because they ask & ask, but you don't have a date & you want to be asked first so you can manage your DCs over excitement better.

I understand no harm is meant by it on your part, or the mums who did it with my DD, it's well meant, but causes us extra stress & upset when our DCs are upset that they haven't had their sleepover yet.

She's equally misunderstood your wanting your D.C. to be included in the sleepover & has handled it badly.

Your both mums of very young DCs. It's very hard & you are both learning as you go. Maybe if you cut her some slack & let her know that you realise that perhaps you should have asked her permission before inviting her DS for a sleepover & that you hope that didn't cause her any extra stress as you would hate that, as you know how hard it is with little ones.

You can then explain that you'd hoped your DC could be included in the sleepover & get a bit of time with their similar age cousins

Try not to get too upset or angry about it. You are both dealing with young kids, you're exhausted, it's easy to be over sensitive. Your kids are similar ages & you could be friends instead of enemies

Thinking about this a little bit more.
You have them over and make a big deal. You extend further invitations so your child can play with their cousins and offer a sleepover to their oldest.
From their perspective, you're only engaging with the older child now you want a family. You have presumably met this child before. None of this is about love for their children, it's all about the benefit for your child.
Make good on the offer to their first child and maybe everything else will follow.

I'm having trouble following your post, but I think YABU. Is the concern that you offered a play date including a sleepover and you think she's ignored the play date part and is treating it more like an offer for free childcare rather than a chance for children to socialise?

You can't force her and her children to socialise with you in a specific way. If what she is proposing doesn't suit you, just say so. 'Sorry SIL, just having the sleepover would mess up my child's bedtime, but we're free during the day' etc.

No point getting annoyed. Just ask for what you want and accept the answer.