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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People asking if "it's" planned

42 replies

IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 12:18

Pregnant with DC2 we told Pils and all MIL asked was "was it planned?" Aibu to think this is a rude question to ask?
Of course both my kids are planned but what if they were "accidents" what would be the outcome if I say no?
I did tell her that yes and both my babies were planned but can't help thinking that people think it's a normal question to ask someone I've even been asked that question by a stranger before. 🙄

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 28/02/2019 12:19

Just raise an eyebrow and say "Sorry?? What did you just say?"

They'll feel embarrassed to repeat it....if they DO repeat it you say "I THOUGHT that's what you said...couldn't believe you'd actually asked!"

And move on.

Wallsbangers · 28/02/2019 12:21

"Well MIL, it was a bit of a surprise given I've only been taking it up the arse for the last few years. Still, good news isn't it?"

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 12:23

Wallsbangers 😂😂😂 oh dear if only I had the balls the say that!

HennyPennyHorror next time someone asks I'll definitely have to say something like that make them feel stupid for asking. She asked if it was planned the first time too.

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 28/02/2019 12:24

A lot of babies aren’t planned but it is simply context for how the person should react or what chat you might be looking for. It doesn’t equate to someone asking if you WANT the baby or not, just if it was a surprise or not. My first 3 were planned and 4th was not. So when I told people and they asked this my response was ‘yes, although they are crazy close together it was planned. And we know we are a bit crazy yes’. The unplanned was ‘not planned but we’re delighted now that we’ve got our head around another one! Took me a few days of panic but kinda excited now’.

It’s pretty human to want to imagine the scenario of finding out something big like this, similar to an engagement (did you know he was going to ask? We’re you surprised?).

But I know people get very offended by this question, I guess they are assuming people are trying to poke at their happiness or something. I’ve never had an issue with that.

DobbyLovesSocks · 28/02/2019 12:26

And comment of the day goes to @Wallsbangers. Brilliant

ColeHawlins · 28/02/2019 12:26

if only I had the balls the say that!

Just looking really shocked that they asked the question works well too, and doesn't require as much bravery.

Mrsbclinton · 28/02/2019 12:27

Yes its veey rude.
My friend said this to me when I told her I was expecting my second child.

I was actually really hurt by it. I was really happy & excited telling her and thats her response!

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 12:29

Auntiepatricia- Putting it that way about the engagement makes sense.
However If I wanted to, I could have farted out children almost 7 years ago if I wanted to, we just chose to use contraception and try for children when we did have the first. So I guess that's where I got offended by the question.

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 28/02/2019 12:29

I was asked a lot if dd was planned.

I think that's because for many years before her I kept saying I didnt want children as I liked my holidays too much etc. However I was saying that to hide the fact I thought I couldn't have children.

So while she wasnt planned I say she was a very welcome surprise.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 12:32

Mrsbclinton
Yes we were quite excited to tell them this too so the fact that was the first thing she said was quite hurtful followed my by a forced congratulations after I replied to her question.

OP posts:
LeafyGreen333 · 28/02/2019 12:32

I was asked this question by the midwife at my first hospital appointment, and by the nurse at the GPs surgery where I've just had my jabs. I was surprised to be asked by two professional people who surely must have tons of experience of speaking to expectant mothers, but I wasn't offended - just happily confirmed it was planned (which is probably what I would say if it had been accident too!)

CheeseRolls · 28/02/2019 12:32

My boss asked me this with DC 2.

I wish I'd had my wits about me to respond to say it was an inappropriate question.
Dickhead.

fezzesarecool · 28/02/2019 12:32

Just say, what a strange way to say congratulations and just stare at her.

I got asked this with my first, at which point I had been with my oh for 4 years and married for 1.

CheeseRolls · 28/02/2019 12:33

I hindsight it felt like an indirect question about my sex life !

LeafyGreen333 · 28/02/2019 12:34

But OP - I WOULD have been offended if my MIL or any other friend or family member had asked me that question, so YANBU

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 12:34

LeafyGreen333
I was asked this by the doctor after he confirmed my pregnancy but didnt take offence as I thought it was something he needed to know in case I didnt want the pregnancy or something like that. But if it was just a routine visit with the Gp or nurse I would be offended!

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 28/02/2019 12:35

I’ve never planned anything in my life

Patr1ckJane · 28/02/2019 12:36

We got this too .. my DH aunt even counted back to see if the proposal happened pre pregnancy.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 12:37

LeafyGreen333
Surprisingly when I told my parents they said congratulations and was very excited they kept asking if I was lying but they were happy which they usually don't show much emotion so that was a surprise, something I thought my in laws reactions would be considering we are more closer to them than my parents.

OP posts:
stayhomeclub · 28/02/2019 12:39

So many people asked me this, from my mum to my boss it is probably the most asked question. No circumstances that might prompt it, in my 30s, been married a few years. It’s so rude.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 12:39

Patr1ckJane
I'm sure MIL was counting back from how many weeks I am to see what date we had sex and conceived this baby 🤣 very nosey and intrusive woman she is so I won't be surprised if she did her calculations when we left their house

OP posts:
purplemunkey · 28/02/2019 12:39

I don't think it's odd for nurses or midwives to ask. If ithe was planned you may have been taking folic acid/avoiding alcohol etc from day 1 - you wouldn't have if the pregnancy a surprise.

But non medical people, yes - I've always found it an odd question too. I was out at a friend's birthday when 4 months pregnant, one of his friends who I'd only met that night asked if it was planned. Yes, it was - none of your bloody business if it wasn't though!

Katterinaballerina · 28/02/2019 12:51

Agree Purplemunkey. Medical professionals are asking for good reasons. There is a higher risk PND natal depression with unplanned pregnancy for example.

People seem to lose any sense of boundaries when you’re pregnant. Asking personal questions, giving unwanted advice, sharing horror stories about birth (without being asked), touching your bump ...

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 28/02/2019 13:33

Katterinaballerina
Not only is unsolicited advice annoying but it especially annoying when it comes from people who have no children that think they know what to do
No one dared to touch my bump because I death stare them if I thought they were coming to close to me 🤣

OP posts:
Katterinaballerina · 28/02/2019 15:06

I always wanted to say, “I’m not pregnant I’m just fat!” and burst into (fake) tears.

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