Making another adult say please/thank you!

[mummyhaschangedhername]

For clarity, I often have to shake myself because I say thank you so often and often at inappropriate times. Like those people how say "I love you" to customers or their boss, it a bit of a brain fart for me. My emails automatically Sign off Thanks as I use it so often.

Anyway. I help out at a school, I'm on the PTA and a Governor, but I also help out with whatever needs done and volunteer for most things going on there.

There is a new temporary office staff, I often have to ask her for things as we store PTA money in the office or to get keys etc. I usually use her name and will say something like, "can you do me a favour" and request what I need. She has three times stopped me and asked me what the magic word was and twice said "if you were a child I would be telling you to say please and thank you". For reference I do always say thank you anyway. But I am getting irked by being called out in an office for being impolite. One of the times she did this, I had just said "that's great, you're a star" and she still called me out on this.

All my kids reports always say how polite they are.

There is some undercurrents in the school so I am not sure if this is to do with this, but frankly I'm fed up of it. It happened so many times now. I'm in the school helping them out, all staff have to go ask to get stuff, I'm not making more work, In fact the opposite. As it is we "borrow" staff from other schools to support our office staff as there are some major issues going on, I am involved in some staff disciplinary actions and while I know the staff don't know the details I think they don't like me because of that. I don't care if she likes me or not, but she doesn't dare do it in front of senior leadership and I can see her smirk 😏 when she does it to me to the kitchen staff.

I guess I find it irking that an adult would instruct another adult in this manner. I am being grateful, I do say thank you, I can surely express gratitude my saying, "that's brilliant" or whatever without a script saying "please may I".

I'm not confrontational but looking for a funny reply that gets my point across but isn't too catty. Unless everyone actually believes AIBU and my conversations need to be scripted that that manner.

If you’re using them a lot you’re basically rendering them meaningless, and that kind of enthusiasm often comes across excessively gushy and a bit false. I have a coworker who does similar. She’s lovely but it gets wearing, if you pass her a stapler it’s like you’ve handed her a winning lottery ticket. ‘Perfect! You’re awesome! Thank you so much!’ You can practically see the exclamation marks.

What the hell is so hard about saying 'Please could you...' or 'Please can I have...'
And then 'Thank you ' afterwards?

Surely that's the normal way of asking?

God, I'm old!

@ reeducator has a ruddy good point, maybe you're Asking rather than Doing a bit too much, OP?

I didn't mean I've set it to that, I mean that it automatically suggests it

Ah that’s ok then. My mum emails me with “lots of love” auto filled so it’s a bit of a sore point

She wouldn't appreciate be going climbing behind her desk and retrieving the stapler either really.

It's not 20 times for the stapler either, it's just I'll count up trip money and ask her to counter check, I'll ask her for an envelope or stapler. I will then maybe ask for the class lists and check the children off and maybe ask a a few questions when a parent hasn't put the child's class in the list and so I might ask if she knows which class the child is in, or perhaps if we have a consent form. I might then ask for where she wants me to file something and those in particular I'm just annoyed at using please to ask she she wants something filed. I just find it monotone.

Regarding the checking of money surely the simplest thing is to say can you check this for me please? Then a thanks when its done.

Maybe, perhaps I'm just entitled. I just really didn't think using the exact word please followed by the exact words thank you were the only ways to show gratitude. I have never in my life seen or read a dialogue that repeats the same please and thank you request over and over again in a short period of time within the same task. I given he gifts as the office staff get missed at Christmas's and end of terms. She friendly with me but several members of staff have mentioned her doing this to me. She hasn't done it to anyone else, and I've never noticed other of members of staff please and thank you excessively to her either.

Sorry to post again OP, i just read your most recent post. Language like "can you do me a favour and.." and "if you could do x that would be great, thanks" - do you think it might sound like you're giving polite orders rather than asking for help?

Obviously you mean to ask her, but it might be coming across that you're expecting her to drop everything and comply. I can see a more sensitive person finding it grating.

@MummysBusy - that's an interesting perspective. Maybe that's what she hears. I'm a little unsure how else to ask her. She has asked me to come in and help her with as task like trip money and we are siting down together to do it. What should I be saying. It seems REALLY passive aggressive to literally just say "please can you count this, i got £51, thanks" over and over.

Ok, so turns out IABU.

I honestly just believed I was being really grateful. Especially when I'm giving up my time to do the school a favour.

Other people have noticed and commented to me which was why I wanted to say something witty, but clearly I am in the wrong on this occasion.

Are they excessively asking questions or asking her to do things though? Having read your update you do seem to be asking a lot of different things. I know you are volunteering but if I was trying to do my job and somebody kept asking me things it would be a bit tiresome.

Hang on - she expects you to say please when you ask her where she wants something filed?

She's batshit.

You find it monotone? I’d find you exhausting. Presumably she has her other work to be getting on with. You know what you’re going to need up front if you’re doing the same tasks all the time. Organise yourself so you’re not constantly asking for this and that with your non-monotone flowery platitudes.

Get your stapler, class list, consent forms etc together upfront. If you have a query re missing names or consent forms, as you go along make a note or highlight them, then when you’ve finished ask her to check all of them. Count the money, put a post-it on each separate pile with the amount, then ask her to check them all together.

OP I am with you - she sounds way too over the top. You can be pleasant without having to say please and thank you before and after every bloody sentence.

@sweeneytoddsrazor - I'm not doing my role then though, I'm helping her do hers. If that makes sense. I'm helping out in the office as we have a member of staff on suspension so she is filling in (she usually works elsewhere part time in the school). So I come in and ask if she needs help and if she does I do, it's not me asking her to do anything in particular, we are jointly counting money or checking of people off a list etc. But one of will count and the other double check as per policy.

But obviously in my other roles I do as her to open the safe or give me access to the class lists etc. Those are just asking once for for something. Except at events where I may need to come back and forth and then key for cupboard and then come back and get key for safe etc.

I obviously am aware she has her role and when I'm doing PTA stuff for example, I'm intruding, so I try to be more gushing.

But clearly from people's advice I am being rude. So I'll make sure I say it every time.

Well I suppose not something she is thrilled to file but part of her role yes. But then she's helping the school by going full time and hasn't experience in this role. So I suppose even though I'm just helping "her" out it's just like she is helping out the school. If that makes sense. It's just she is being paid is the difference and I'm more come and go as I please.

I have absolutely no idea why you simply can't say please, which is normal social etiquette when requesting something,

Are you in some way trying to prove authority you don't have by bossing her around and assuch you think it's beneath you to say please to her?

Either way saying please is basic manners, and if you wish to stop her calling you out on it just friggen say please.

It really isn’t difficult to say please and thank you though is it? I want to force adults who don’t say it to do it too because it’s both rude and extremely irritating.

@WarpedGalaxy - fair enough. Maybe I am a pain. However it's me supporting her in her role and I only do it when she asks. So Im at the school a lot currently due to some major other issues, sometimes I'll call in and ask if she needs help with anything, rather than me go home and come back to get children later.

I will be less "flowery" but I can't organise myself better as I'm supporting her, so I just depends on what she needs done and like I've answered above, stapler for example is in her drawer.

I do try and write lists of anything I need to ask when I'm doing stuff for the PTA as I fully appreciate that can be disruptive for her. I have memory of a goldfish, so I write possible things I may need so it's just one ask, but your right, often it's more and that is my bad organisation.

In fact saying "please get me the cash box" comes across as much more blunt and rude than saying "When you have a moment could you grab me the cash box? That would be great!".
Totally agree with you on the first bit but I'd go with 'When you have a moment could you grab me the cash box please? Cheers'. And if I was emailing I'd possibly drop the please but have a more enthusiastic thanks straight after it.
It's just common courtesy though OP. And if you know someone values it then surely you'd make more effort to do it?

@Bluntness100 - I have no authority, I'm unpaid. I haven't had to involve her or ask her for anything on Governor duties.

In fact it's the other way. I'm asking her if she needs help, so I'm her subordinate. I am fully aware of the pecking order, nor do I want or have any desire to challenge that. I am there helping as I think the school and staff are great. So I support where I can. I go in as ask her if she needs help and she will give me tasks, sometimes we need to work together, hence when the issues arise and even when we don't, I'll have to ask for what things I need to complete whatever it is she needs me to do.

I fully appreciate I have been told IABU and I will definitely change to use it every time.

@DameFanny Well I suppose not something she is thrilled to file but part of her role yes. But then she's helping the school by going full time and hasn't experience in this role. So I suppose even though I'm just helping "her" out it's just like she is helping out the school. If that makes sense. It's just she is being paid is the difference and I'm more come and go as I please.

@FriarTuck - so why is ok for you to drop the please I'm an email but not verbally?

I do appreciate your example though. I'll try better.

Fine just say please op, no matter how monotonous you find it