Drinking at 13

[Springwalk]

My dd (13) went to a birthday party on Saturday night, the party involved drinking vodka and smoking. The mother provided alcohol (homemade cider apparently) and what was supposed to be a girly sleepover morphed into a mixed sleepover.

I am now feeling incredibly anxious about the next party in a few weeks time, it looks like the same children are invited. I have spoken to the mother about drinking etc, and she said she may give the dc something watered down, but can't really guarantee the dc won't bring their own vodka etc with them. Although I understand she can't check every bag or supervise every waking moment, I don't feel very confident that the same won't happen again. I think it is very likely to be the same or worse.

DD now doesn't want to go to any more parties full stop, she said she feels really stressed and under pressure to drink and smoke, but all of her friends have been invited, she will be the only one that won't be there.

I had no idea that this would start so soon. I am really surprised and shocked. I thought it would be a year or two before we had to worry about this.

I am worried she will be isolated if she doesn't go, and but I am much more worried about the parties and under age drinking, and all the rest.

I wasn't exactly Theresa May when I was growing up, but 13 feels very early to be doing this.

MN I need some words of wisdom.

ihateuncle your post made me laugh out loud!! He he. I will save that for next time.
Sadly I can be pretty sure there WILL be a next time as I am apparently the most boring mother that ever walked the earth

Partly supplied by parents and partly stolen from home is my impression.

I dread to think what will be normal when my kids are old enough.

3D liquid printer alcohol making?

I did have one friend at 14 whose Mum/my Mum let drink a bit but the parents discussed it.

The older brother sounds a worry.

Actually that reminds me at 12 (young 12) I was hanging out with somwonenot too good for me. Her Mum took us to a party and we had2 drinks each and I think someone slipped something in my drink as don't remember getting home, didn't wake up late until the next day, didn't feel hungover but - odd. My body aches too.

I do remember going to the upstairs to watch a load of blocks watching football though.

I had other irresponsible parent friends but they were just negligent, not providing anything.

It happens, usually without parents knowing. I remember my son's fifteenth birth day party and a fourteen year old girl collapsing in our garden. She and friends had smuggled in vodka.

My son also drank beer and cider with his friends when he was fourteen or so. I used to do a iittle war dance but his father seemed unworried.

All I can say is that they are now in their late thirties and grown up into pillars of society. They generally outgrow it.

My friend is having this problem with her dd who is of a similar age. My DC are younger so I've not yet encountered this. It certainly seems to be a thing that the parents, including my friend to an extent, are overly invested in their dcs social life and their dds being part of the popular crowd. I keep quiet when she talks about buying her dd alcohol to take to a party, I'm a good 10 or more years younger than her and theres so way I'd let my DD drink. I'd rather my DD be in with the nerds and focus on her studies. I know recent research actually says you should wait as long as possible to give your child alcohol.

Oh that’s just depressing. Surely 13-year-old girls are happy practicing makeup and watching Netflix? Why the need to provide alcohol? Ridiculous and sad.

I haven't found it a problem (the alternatives being boring) Luckily i was never deeply socially involved with the group (strangley I felt like it all revolved around heavy drinking).

Parents with alcohol problems normalising alcohol to teens
Lack of boundaries in the house
Could be adults who would find this a perfect scenario for grooming
Could be adults who give children drugs too in due course or involve them in county lines
Could just be teens who do too much too soon and make a mess of their mental health
Some parents seem nice but are just not very good parents
Be a good parent OP. You can still be nice to them and she can still see them, just not this way.

I have a 15 year old boy. It is very clear that his year group have pretty much split down lines of those who go to parties, drink vodka, smoke dope, and those who think it's all rather pathetic and don't.

Suprise suprise, guess which children are doing better in class, getting homework done, still doing sport etc. He's seen team mates get dropped from rugby teams because they've turned up for Sunday morning matches with hangovers.

They'll be plenty of children in your dd's year who are not caught up in this. And the fact she's asking is huge - I remember silently begging my mum to ban me from going to a gig at a notorious pub at the age of 15. Was so relieved she did.

hopeful You definitely dodged a bullet there. It makes it easier to extract your family if you are not socially active with the parents. I hovered somewhat in between. Still, small price to pay if some parents are put out. I can’t very well set a good example if I am out partying with them!

eva Very good point. A few parents have a publicly acknowledged problem with having a few drinks too many. Everyone is too polite here to say otherwise, but it’s true. Yes the normalising of this kind of behaviour has been at work for ages.

They are from very wealthy families I don’t understand the need to sabotage the lives of their dc, when they have so much opportunity.

cuddly now your year has split into two is it fixed and hardwired? Ours did split too, my dd ended with the ‘popular’ girls, hence the ones that have now ended up doing this. Not sure how easy it is to switch ‘sides’ she seems to be friends with everyone at school, so it may work out.

Ahh, yes, this is how my little sister started. She's now approaching liver failure at the age of 40, and no-one can stop her drinking - doctors say she's not got long if she doesn't stop, but she started so early, going to parties like the one you've described, and she simply can't.
She also met her future partner at 14 - he was older, naturally, at this sort of shitshow, and she's endured 20plus years of abusive behaviour, adding to the unholy mess.

Like fuck will my daughters be going to parties like this at 13, peer pressure or not, 'cool' parents or not. Fuck that. Really. I'd report the ignorant fuckwits, too, for running this sort of thing.

user that’s terrible, your poor sister has actually had her whole life ruined. Awful for you to watch that unfold over the years.
I hope she finds the will to stop before it is too late

OP, I have a 13yo dd. None of her friends drink or have parties like this, and none of their parents would allow it either!

I would encourage your dd to seek out a different group of friends asap!

@springwalk yes, I know. And all I can do is watch now, as every single intervention I've tried has failed. So much for wild parties when you're too young to appreciate consequences - some people get out unscathed with 'the time of their lives'. And others don't. I'm just not taking the risk, we've been through too much with my siblings for me to be 'chilled' about it with my DC.

I had my first drink at 13 my parents hit the roof I was grounded for months and then on a curfew and ya no wat it’s the best thing that my parents done I hated them at the time and my friends thought they were prudes but I thanked my parents at 18 for being so strict when I got my alevel results and again when I got my degree your doing right not letting her go she’ll appreciate it when she’s older

@springwalk I would say it's fairly easy to switch back across, simply because the other group tends to be fairly sensible anyway.

What is she into? Easiest way out for her is probably to say that she can't make it to the party (take her out for dinner instead, give her a nice ready made excuse?), then she can look at the school clubs that she enjoys? Make more friends there with similar interests and distance herself from the old group. Sounds a bit obvious, maybe, but it may be easier than making a massive point about it?