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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Drinking at 13

118 replies

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 10:23

My dd (13) went to a birthday party on Saturday night, the party involved drinking vodka and smoking. The mother provided alcohol (homemade cider apparently) and what was supposed to be a girly sleepover morphed into a mixed sleepover.

I am now feeling incredibly anxious about the next party in a few weeks time, it looks like the same children are invited. I have spoken to the mother about drinking etc, and she said she may give the dc something watered down, but can't really guarantee the dc won't bring their own vodka etc with them. Although I understand she can't check every bag or supervise every waking moment, I don't feel very confident that the same won't happen again. I think it is very likely to be the same or worse.

DD now doesn't want to go to any more parties full stop, she said she feels really stressed and under pressure to drink and smoke, but all of her friends have been invited, she will be the only one that won't be there.

I had no idea that this would start so soon. I am really surprised and shocked. I thought it would be a year or two before we had to worry about this.

I am worried she will be isolated if she doesn't go, and but I am much more worried about the parties and under age drinking, and all the rest.

I wasn't exactly Theresa May when I was growing up, but 13 feels very early to be doing this.

MN I need some words of wisdom.

OP posts:

thebabessavedme · 28/02/2019 11:19

my dd tells me I was very laid back about this sort of thing (now 28 with her own dc) however, at 13 this would not be happening, I simply dont understand mothers who do this, its bad enough when you end up with a drunk puking 16yo who is not yours, why on earth would you encourge children of this age. I found that every so often dd needed us to step in and say no, I may have been laid back but kids need to know that as parents we take charge and let them just be kids.

Aquilla · 28/02/2019 11:22

No, no, no!

Ginpasta · 28/02/2019 11:24

Absolutely no way would I let my child go to a party like this at 13. Your DD sounds sensible. Could she maybe join some clubs outside of school to try & make some new friends?

Original poster

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 11:25

shart That is exactly it. If the dc were smuggling in whatever, well that is part and parcel (perhaps) of being young and inquisitive. For the parents (the people I trusted with my dd from a young age, for a very long time) to serve them this stuff feels like a breach of my trust, and really toxic for my dd and theirs. I am extremely fond of all of them.
I am actually probably much more sad about this than I am letting on.

DD will need to drop them, I will need to drop them, because there is no way around this in the longer term. It can only get worse, and will as they all have means to do whatever they want.

I will help my dd with making a new start, and I should be grateful she has been so open with me, and looks after herself. I guess it could be worse.

I am worried for these girls, they are beautiful, intelligent and have the whole world to look forward to, and it sticks in my throat when I catch glimpses of them clearly drunk on SM.

OP posts:

Uptheshard · 28/02/2019 11:27

Er no way. 13?
Are you serious? Come on..they need guidance at that age not encouragement to do illegal things!!!!

Original poster

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 11:27

They are house parties, so I guess legal in the real sense sadly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 11:31

I wouldn't mind so much, but the parent didn't check with any of us that this was okay, she just went ahead and did it, same as the sleepover being mixed at the last minute.

Some of the girls are very developed for their age, some wear thongs ( I don't know why, comfort maybe) they ALL wear teeny tiny shorts and vest or tshirts to bed the usual pre teen stuff. DD had the good sense to keep on her leggings and go to bed in a hoody. I am not saying the boys will pounce on them, and I am sure they were respectful (although dd disagreed entirely) and it feels like a step to far putting them in this kind of position.

OP posts:

doIreallyneedto · 28/02/2019 11:32

@Springwalk - They are house parties, so I guess legal in the real sense sadly.

Where I live (Ireland), while it is legal to give alcohol to an under 18 in a domestic setting, it is illegal to do so without parental consent. That would make the parents' actions illegal here.

Original poster

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 11:32

to - too

OP posts:

Original poster

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 11:33

doIreallyneedto I wish it was the same here, and then maybe I wouldn't be in this position.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/02/2019 11:34

My daughter is 16. She hates drinking and smoking with a passion. She always goes to parties so she hasnt lost her group of friends but she is very strong willed and wont follow the crowd. She now has something of a reputation for being the fun but sensible friend, the one who looks after everyone else and ensures nothing gets to out of hand. All her friends love her. Not drinking or smoking hasnt altered her friendship at all.

Original poster

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 11:40

sweeny I would like to think my dd could be the same as yours, in all honestly I don't think she is there yet. Maybe in a few years when she has had time to assert herself more strongly, and to feel confident in herself and convictions. She is getting better all the time.
At thirteen they are still on the whole still have a pack mentality.
I also don't think the group will let her off that lightly, as she is likely to be mocked (in jest) but still. One or two will see it as a chance to embarrass her possibly, she is not keen on doing that.

I also there is a distinct possibility they may 'spike' her drink for a laugh etc. I don't really want to risk it at this age.

OP posts:

YogaWannabe · 28/02/2019 11:42

I’m astounded you’re even questioning yourself her OP!
I’m very easy going in a lot of regards (especially on here regarding age of leaving DC alone for a few minutes, make a slice of toast etc etc)
And I’m a good ten years younger than the majority of the school mums at DDs school so definitely not “out of touch” or “a prude”, they are 13 fgs!
I was drinking at that age so I know all about it but not a hope in hell would I ever let DD follow in my footsteps there.

Get her involved in team sports or something away from them or you’ll be on here in another year or two because you’ve found ecstasy or coke in her room.

And absolutely don’t question yourself, it sounds like you’re doing a great job the fact she can be honest with you about these things

YogaWannabe · 28/02/2019 11:44

I’d also recommend the film 13- maybe watch it together (I’ve no idea if it’s suitable age wise-I’m fairly lax in that regard myself)
It’s all about how life can change drastically at 13 and how the choices you make and people you get involved with can shape you and your life. Very gritty but very real

Zoeputthatdown · 28/02/2019 11:48

I think your girl is being very sensible and mature. As a consequence she may well end up losing this particular friendship group.

It doesn't make you a frump to be concerned!
Don't fall for the supercilious over-protective of your 13 year old attitude. The argument we heard trotted out by a parent whether to do with underage drinking smoking or sex was always, "We'd rather s/he experiments under our roof so we know what's going on..." - as if the teen in question will never carry on out of parental sight outside the home.
Why the rush.

doIreallyneedto · 28/02/2019 11:50

@Springwalk - I wish it was the same here, and then maybe I wouldn't be in this position.

Unfortunately, it still doesn't prevent the "cool" parents from doing it. If they leave alcohol lying around but don't actually give it to the kids, technically, they are not breaking the law, although the child is breaking the law as they must have parental consent.

Realistically though, unless you are willing to report the party and have it raided by the gardaí, it's impossible to enforce the law. The only recourse we have is the same as you - don't allow you child to go to parties where this sort of stuff goes on.

saoirse31 · 28/02/2019 11:50

Wouldn't be letting her go to those parties, esp when she clearly wants you to tell her she cant go. Amazingly stupid encouraging kids that age to drink. Why would you do that as a parent? How low are their ambitions for their children...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/02/2019 12:06

@Springwalk maybe my daughter has been lucky with her group of friends as none of them have ever tried reaĺly persistently to get her to drink or smoke and spiking would ńot happen. She has always been very strong willed and willing to stand up for what she believes in so I guess they know they would be on a loser. Personally I would go with what your DD wants which sounds like it is to miss the party. Can you find something you have to do that night so she can give a reason for not going.

mayathebeealldaylong · 28/02/2019 12:11

Simple answer she lies and says she's coming and the night off the party she makes up an excuse. That way she saves face or being mocked if she doesn't want to party like them.
Which isn't acceptable for a child of her age.
It's not good to lie but these don't sound like good friends

Original poster

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 12:26

I am questioning myself because our group of parents seem to think it is okay. I have known this people a long time, I thought we were on the same or similar page in life. I have had no cause to worry in the past. The partying has really taken off, and I seem to the only one that is concerned. It is disconcerting, as I am laid back, easy going and always know how to enjoy myself! I love parties and get togethers, so I have always encouraged my dc to enjoy themselves, but not if it is going to cost them their health and well being.

PP mentioned that other parents may be secretly worried too, and are just keeping quiet. That could be the case and remains to be seen, atm their dc are all signed up for the next one...

If I thought I could get away with a white lie than I def would do that, but there are two parties arranged this month alone, and I am sure over the spring and summer more and more will come. It would become pretty obvious soon enough.

I will definitely watch the film thank you for recommending it.

Especially thank you for your support everyone, as each post comes in I feel much happier with my decision not to go along with this. Whatever it costs in terms of friendships.

OP posts:

Ribbonsonabox · 28/02/2019 12:34

Well I'm 31 and this was pretty common when I was 13.... I remember getting quite tipsy at my best friends big birthday house party when she turned 13. Which was also a mixture of boys and girls all sleeping in the lving room.
And other friends parents having a couple of bottles of wkd blue for each child t birthday parties.Haha.. disgusting stuff!

I'd not worry too much about it as your daughter sounds very sensible. And not ALL parties will be like that surely? At that age I was also going to parties in bowling alleys and the cinema etc

It sounds like you are doing the right thing in bringing up your daughter and shes making sensible decisions. Just reinforce that she doesn't have to do things just because other people are doing them. And if she really doesn't want to go to these parties then dont tell her she should... there really will be other social events that do not involve drinking!

CamVegOut · 28/02/2019 12:39

I tell my kids to say I wont let them do things. Who cares if their friends think I am a wagon, I am only concerned with my children. My Dd16 has opted out of most socialising as there is lots of drinking and pressure to get involved in sexual activity.

StealthPolarBear · 28/02/2019 12:46

When they turned 13?so some kids would be 12. That's really bad imo.

StealthPolarBear · 28/02/2019 12:46

And I'm 40 and this was not common when I was 12 or 13.no way

ScarletBitch · 28/02/2019 12:49

Report the mum to the Police, this is out of order and not something she should be encouraging a bunch of 13 year olds to do. She is supplying Alcohol to children

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