Drinking at 13

[Springwalk]

My dd (13) went to a birthday party on Saturday night, the party involved drinking vodka and smoking. The mother provided alcohol (homemade cider apparently) and what was supposed to be a girly sleepover morphed into a mixed sleepover.

I am now feeling incredibly anxious about the next party in a few weeks time, it looks like the same children are invited. I have spoken to the mother about drinking etc, and she said she may give the dc something watered down, but can't really guarantee the dc won't bring their own vodka etc with them. Although I understand she can't check every bag or supervise every waking moment, I don't feel very confident that the same won't happen again. I think it is very likely to be the same or worse.

DD now doesn't want to go to any more parties full stop, she said she feels really stressed and under pressure to drink and smoke, but all of her friends have been invited, she will be the only one that won't be there.

I had no idea that this would start so soon. I am really surprised and shocked. I thought it would be a year or two before we had to worry about this.

I am worried she will be isolated if she doesn't go, and but I am much more worried about the parties and under age drinking, and all the rest.

I wasn't exactly Theresa May when I was growing up, but 13 feels very early to be doing this.

MN I need some words of wisdom.

This is ludicrous OP- I grew up in a small rural town in the 80s and stupidly it was all about the drink- but from 16 on- maybe 15 for some. I thought getting pissed was a bit passe for kids nowadays. I'd be straight with the parents- facilitating 12 and 13 year olds drinking is insane and bad for their health. I'd tell my daughter that as well- some adults are idiots and make bad decisions.

Springwalk i have the same issues " nice laidback " parents we have known all the way through, into organic food etc. suddenly condoning drinking and partying at 13/14. Also most recently suggesting 2 12 year olds spend NYE with the unaccompanied drinking 13/14 yos. It is sad to have to move away from these families whom we have spent so many years, but i just cant allow my dcs to be exposed to this stuff.

I wish my mother had stopped me behaving like this when I was 14.

This!

Sadly lots of parents buy into the importance of popularity - as much if not more so than their kids. I think it's far more important to teach kids not to follow the crowd, to make decisions that are right for them even if they're different to the decisions others would make. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your daughter, you're helping her make her own sensible decisions and not putting her in a position where she may be pressured into doing something stupid that she doesn't want to do.

It's hard but you may both find a new, smaller tribe that suits you both better. Or you may end watching the whole situation blow up in their faces and they all come to the same conclusions as you. It will all work out if you stick to your principles though

Stick to your guns OP, children need boundaries. It's much easier to loosen the reins later than it is to take up the slack if things start to go wrong.

Parents shouldn't be supplying any alcohol watered down or not, they are 13! Mixed sleepovers and booze, no wonder you are worried.

My daughter would not be going and I wouldn't be feeling unreasonable or over the top. I get that the other parent can't checke bags but should be supervising enough to know if someone had alcohol, they weren't very reassuring.

I started drinking at 12, which now I think is shocking 😮 A friend had some cider and I ended up drinking some and then that turned into every wkend after for yrs. I did get caught when I was about 13 and grounded, no pocket money etc. Someone's mum found out and called all the other mums, not one of my friends were punished including the one who's mum was grassing everyone up, I'm still pissed off about that lol.

hopeful it sounds like we share the same problem. How have you found it managing both the parents and the children’s dynamic? Did you go for a clean break or edging away slowly?
I am glad I am not the only one! I feeI as if I am suddenly living in some parallel universe.

eric
The parental popularity thing is definitely a feature, and very perceptive of you to post that.
One friend in particular does not agree with any of this, but her dd is still going! Parents are heavily involved and invested socially, so probably they don’t want to compromise their own social lives too much. It would be social suicide for a few, so dependent are they on the group, so maybe the dc are the casualties.

You never know, seeing you have the bravery to turn down the invites might give courage to some other parents who are uncomfortable and wavering.

I had similar when i was that age so told my parents who 'barred' me from going (basically i could blame them when in fact it was me who didn't want to go, it worked well as it wasn't 'my fault' i didn't go to parties and get into situations i wasn't happy in

I have to say that the moved to secondary school has helped. I try to organise alternative social events as PP said often sport focused eg: trampoline park/ water sports or cinema and pizza. i am just ruthless about sleepovers if i dont think they will be supervised ( this does make me popular)

I am also in my 40's and it wasn't common when i was 12, 13 and upwards, i have 2 daughter's and didn't have any problem's with them concerning alcohol,

It is going to be a battle, your DD seems sensible but the amount of temptation to be an adult, first alcohol next sex or drugs depending on the area.
How can a parent give 13yos alcohol.
If any pps give their DC alcohol at 13 please stop.

hopeful My dd likes doing lots of sports, and she has quite a few friends that are not part of this set up thank goodness. I may have to lean on those friendships a little more going forward. They have straight forward parents with normal boundaries, and I don’t need to worry when she is with them.
Do you still see the ‘party’ crowd for alternative activities to drinking/partying? If so, how do your pizza nights/cinema go down?
Last summer I took dd out to a water park, it is popular with the teen crowd. I overheard one of dds friends saying how boring it was!!
Obviously I can’t compete with getting legless on vodka! The comment embarrassed my dd though, and I felt less inclined to organise anything again.

You never know, seeing you have the bravery to turn down the invites might give courage to some other parents who are uncomfortable and wavering.

Good point. OP I know it’s hard but by being the first one to step up and say “no” in order to protect your dd, you are setting such a good example. We don’t want our dcs to be peer pressured but adults are often guilty of trying to peer pressure too by making you seem “mollycoddling”, frumpy, overprotective and so on. Don’t fall for it.

No 13 yr old’s liver is designed to deal with alcohol, especially vodka. My dd was fortunate in that up until 17 she was a very serious ballet student (pre-pro) with all-day classes in London every Saturday. She never wanted to smoke or drink and had the excuse of ballet class or “scary ballet teacher” to avoid most of the parties. She often used to say she didn’t want to go though if drinking & smoking was involved so I would tell her to blame me if ballet wasn’t on.

You can still be perfectly civil and sociable with these other parents but don’t give in, no matter how much they try to guilt trip you. You’ll be protecting your dd’s health and setting her a good example. All you have to say to anyone who asks is that in your opinion, 13 is too young for drinking, smoking and mixed sleepovers so you are not comfortable sending your dd into that environment. However, if they want to, that’s entirely their choice. Then change the subject.

I overheard one of dds friends saying how boring it was!!

Had you paid for them and/or driven them there? If so, I’d have said “Oh dear, that’s a shame. I won’t bring you next time then.”

With the popularity thing, I think some parents are too invested in making sure their kids are in with the 'in' crowd and then they won't say no to stuff the Queen bees are allowed to do. It's such a bad example to set your kids.

I drank at 13 but only at our house, never at a friends.

This mother is incredibly irresponsible. Allowing a half glass of wine to her own daughter is fair enough but allowing hard alcohol and providing it to other people's children is lacking in judgment if I'm being incredibly optimistic.

I'd not allow DD to go to parties at this friends house again, no matter how angry it makes her.

I'd also talk to the other mother and voice your displease. I'm quite an easy going parent and hope I will when my girls are older but that's just unacceptable.

Also yes if I hosted a party and knew some of the children drank I would check their bags, telling their parents so and why.

13 is way too young for this. The occasional drink at a family party is fine at this age, but drinking vodka and smoking is very bad. I was doing the same at that age and managed to get out, but a lot of my friends who did it too were peer pressured into trying drugs and ended up doing quite hard drugs at a young age. Mixed sleepovers are also dangerous, 13 seems young to adults, but the kids think they’re grown ups themselves and some may be pressured into doing something sexual.

I’d talk to your daughter and explain to her that she shouldn’t feel bad about being the only one not going. She could even pretend that she’s ill if she doesn’t want to be judged. But make sure she knows she never has to do anything she doesn’t want to and that if she ends up doing something that she’s worried about that she should always tell you.

Ihateuncle yes I had the pleasure of driving them, paying and for lunch all to be told it was ‘boring’
I did say to her I will try better next time

not make me popular

My biggest concern is that the older sibling ( brother) of one of the girls has just come out of rehab for a drug addiction, he is now living back at home. This all sounds very soap opera ish but we live in a quiet rural community. Older brother is gorgeous (according to some of the girls, he looks unwashed to me) and nineteen, and of course the girls like him, but he is a wild child and has had drug issues for years. All of his friends regularly hang out at the house too. I am concerned that drugs and older men will be a problem. The party was there last weekend. Mother said all under control now with him, but I have my doubts, as he is still aimlessly travelling and or coasting at home.

@Springwalk Ungrateful little brat. I think I’d have said “feel free go home if it’s that dull. If you start walking now you’ll be home by tonight”.

As an aside, isn’t whoever’s buying the vodka or “watered down” alcohol for these children breaking the law?