Playground party invites

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

Firstly I do accept maybe I'm being oversensitive about this and I have no intention of bothering the school with such minutaie (I don't rate ds1 teacher very highly but I do believe teachers work extremely hard and it's insane to ask them to police the playground politics)

However

Three times in the last three weeks , discounting half term , I've seen this but today was the most overt

Standing today waiting for the class door to open a mum handed her dd a pack of obvious party invites , she loudly said " go and give them to the lucky ones "

The little girl then went and gave her invites out to a few children then went to one little girl and went to hand an envelope then laughed and said "oh I forgot not you " ...the poor child she had played this trick on was crestfallen , The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

The little girl approached ds1 and I could see what was coming (please see explanation below and I have never seen her interact with ds1 so they are not friends ) I glared at the mother with an absolute death glare (after years of prison work in my early career my death glare is second to none ) and kept her eyes ...she wisely stepped in and told the little girl another invitee had arrived. I was so angry , Ds1 bless him is oblivious to things a lot and I doubt had seen the interaction or understood it really (He prefers to live in dinosaur land sometimes )

So I am not accused of drip feeding ds1 has extra needs and I fully recognise (not that I would ever ever indicate to him) he isn't the most popular boy in the class, he has struggled making friends and I know the other children find him odd and a bit unusual

He is lovely kind and funny and imaginative but I get the dynamics and I'm teaching him that he's wonderful as he is and doesn't have to be included in everything , it's not an entitlement and to believe in how wonderful he is and play with the friends he wants to play with.

I don't believe people should have to invite everyone in the class at all , I really believe child's choice but whilst this was particularly overt I have seen similar

Aibu in being annoyed that this dynamic is being encourage by some parents ? I guess I feel if ds1 was only inviting a few to the party I would ask him to be considerate on how he gave the invites out and I absolutely would not allow him to play such a trick on another child

It's hard to translate tone but the mother really had an exceptionally nasty tone and thoroughly enjoyed her dd being the purveyor of the special invites publicly excluding certain children.

Of course really what would I do about it ? Nothing is what , I'm not going to make a scene , it's not the little girls fault she's encouraged to behave like that , and it's not the schools problem ,so I will continue teaching ds1 that he is wonderful and lovely and doesn't need others approval but it did make me angry

I'm usually the furthest thing from PFB honestly but perhaps I am being silly being annoyed about this
It's not the biggest issue in the world , hell it's not even the biggest issue for me this hour but it does niggle a bit.

I'm genuinely curious as to perspectives , it's not about the lack of invite but more about the encouraging children to be so exclusive publicly and not just being a tiny bit considerate ?

At our school the teacher puts invites in the book bag to avoid this, what twattish parents they are and I'd definitely have a word with the teacher

Absolutely agree with Cantusethatname

It’s bullying, and schools are obliged to have an anti-bullying policy. It happened on school grounds, so I’d speak to the head, and mention that not only this child did it, but appeared to be encouraged by the parent (because they can take this up with parents too).

Wow. Can’t believe some people

She sounds awful!! At my child’s school the invites are popped in the children’s bags discretely or sent to a home address purely for this reason

What a horrible mother.

I think schools should have a policy that invites go in the children's book bags, so their then opened at home. OF course children need to understand that they carnt go to everyone's party but for the poor child that never gets an invite its pretty mean.

Yanbu. I try to hand out as many as I can myself parent to parent and then give the rest to the teacher. No need for theatrics. I also have the chat (the one about being sorry you couldn’t invite everyone, and make sure they have something to say if a child asks why they can’t come)

" oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough What kind of party was she offering ? It makes it sound like she was the hostess of the most exclusive high society shindig, rather than a primary school aged party. She sounds right up herself!

I have nc for this but something similar happened to my dc. She used to have a friend who she played with regularly at school but when it was her birthday, my dc wasn't invited.
Excuse= only so many children could be seated at table (rather large number as it happened) but my dc was one of the only children from the friendship group to be excluded.
The child in question was described as popular by the parent, so couldn't invite all friends (only my dc it seemed) only years down the line that 'popular' child doesn't have many friends at all.
It is hurtful and yes, whilst I get it teaches resilience, it should be done discretely especially at a young age. I think my second dc is going to encounter this a lot as they are not particularly popular in class and I don't play parent politics.

I despair of people's behaviour sometimes.
OP, I would mention it to the teacher. I'd be quite happy to take her to one side and ask her to give out invitations without making a fuss, as class teacher.
It's attention seeking and out of order.

I've been waiting for this subject to come up since I had a chat with my son the other night. He lives in Barcelona and his 3 yr old DS has just started school. He told me that they had been to a picnic in the park that day because the school arranges for each class to do that every 10-12 weeks and celebrate birthdays. This means the pressure is off parents to organise separate events and everyone is included. I know some people will probably have a special friend or two round for tea on the day but, given the number of posts on here about children who have been excluded and are feeling hurt, isn't it a brilliant idea?

As far as I can see, an adult gloating at a small child and enjoying her distress, a small child who presumably was not protected at that time by her own mother, is absolutely 100% bullying and needs to be addressed.

This 100%.

Forget building resilience etc, this is deliberate attempt to make some kids feel crap. I’d definitely mention to the head, to say the mother was not just complicit but encouraging this to happen. And that it isn’t the first incidence of power play over party invitations.

How pathetic do you have to be to get enjoyment from upsetting a young child!?

If it’s going on on school property bloody right it’s the school’s problem. It is vile, nasty and promoting bullying. I would email the Head.

My daughter had a party on Saturday for her 5th birthday. I really couldn't afford to invite all 30 children in her class. I privately asked her teacher to let me know the 12 children she most played with and write a list, I then sent the invited into school and they were put into book bags so the children didn't open them in the playground. The Mum in your original post sounds like she's enjoying the children's disappointment, how cruel!

That mother obviously thinks she and her child are something special .
“Go and give them to the lucky ones “ stupid bitch. Seems to me the children who are not invited are the lucky oNES nasty spiteful mother and daughter.

I don't think it's cruel to hand out invites in the playground, even obviously. What is extremely spiteful is the behaviour of both this particular girl and mother. You don't go up to someone and say that, nor talk about lucky ones. You only go up to the children invited, and if you make a mistake both parent and child should be totally apologetic with an 'I'm terribly sorry we can't invite everyone.' Children usually know who will be invited, but to raise false hope is downright nasty, particularly if the child has SEN and will perhaps have hopes they might be invited.

There will always be parents like this op. One in my DC school comes immediately to mind. They seem to live in their own sad world where the highlight of their day is using their own children to belittle others.
And what for? Unless she has invited the 'lucky' few to a top class and lavish party - all expenses to the Caribbean perhaps? I think not....the usual crappy waste of time shenanigans and if they are 'lucky', a party bag full of plastic shite is probably more the case. You DS had a lucky escape.

Omg I’d be so mad if this happened to my boy

Oh god this brings back shameful memories of my ds in yr1. He only invited a few from the class so I told him I'd hand out the invites to the parents but he was desperate to do it himself. I said he could but only if he did it discreetly but being 5 he wasn't capable and other kids saw which I should have anticipated. I've never felt like such an arse, I cannot believe a grown adult would take pleasure in it, I genuinely still feel crap about it 2 years on

I never send invites any more. I directly message the parents of the kids that we are inviting to the birthday party by email, text or our class Whatsapp group.

It’s a greener/more environmentally friendly way of doing it, it’s cheaper, there’s no chance of the invites going astray, and no other kids in the class need know anything about it!

Immediately tell me who she is and where she lives. I need to pound her in the face for a while.
Pikey.

I am thankful I’ve never seen or heard of a parent being this way. Most parents try to hand out invites discreetly or they’re handed to the teacher to put in book bags. Some
People are just utter cunts though.
One of my ds’s best buddies has autism. He’s been invited to all ds’s parties and if he’s a bit quirky we’ll do what? The way some people are with the ‘unpopular’ kids is ridiculous. You’re supposed to be a grown up ffs! Gah. I’d have given her more than the death glare well maybe not but I’d have ranted in my head at her very loudly

Feck wish there was an edit button!
Meant to say... if he’s a bit quirky so what. Fucking fat fingers

How is not being invited (or uninvited) to a private birthday party bullying? Bullying would have to involve force, intimidation and or coercion wouldn't it?

@Pashal2

It's not about being invited or uninvited?? It's the way either of those are done. I think it's shocking for the mother to make the child clearly secluded that other child. Therewas no needto say sorry I forgot you. Just go up gracefully to the children that were invited and give the invite. Not rub it in other children faces that they haven't been invited. The poor girl of that mother. I would be ashamed if I werethat child. That mother is clearly promoting bullying. Disgusting.

My son's school had the rule that party invitations had to go in to school to be put in book bags. No exceptions.

It's a shame some utter twats of parents create work for already overstretched staff.

Bullying would have to involve force, intimidation and or coercion wouldn't it?

No of course not. Emotional bullying, for example via exclusion, or repeated vindictive name-calling, hiding possessions, etc etc etc is absolutely recognised as such. However to be bullying, it can't be a one-off, even if it's violent as an incident it can't be bullying - it's tackled differently. Bullying is a course of conduct from one person or a group, against a weaker or more vulnerable one. If a popular child is trying to make a less popular one miserable on a sustained basis, or trying to socially isolate them, and doing so over and over again, then that's bullying. They don't need to intimidate or coerce or hit to be a bully. Girls especially tend to be rather less direct with their methods.

Most schools have detailed policies on this now. school has a really excellent one - including what is not, in fact, bullying, though may be anti-social or unkind. Point 6 sets out:

1. What is Bullying?

6.1. Bullying is behaviour by an individual or group, repeated over time, that intentionally hurts another individual or group either physically or emotionally. Bullying, particularly emotional bullying, can take many forms (for instance, cyber-bullying via text messages or the internet), and is often motivated by prejudice against particular groups, for example on grounds of race, religion, culture, sex, gender, sexual orientation, or special needs. 6.2 Some students are particularly vulnerable to bullying and may be severely affected by it, such as those with special educational needs or disabilities. Others may be particularly vulnerable because they are going through a personal or family crisis, or suffering from a health problem. Bullying is also more frequent amongst children who are carers or have been adopted. Some forms of bullying may be more prevalent for different genders – for example girls being pressured into sexting, and boys being subject to hazing (initiation type violence). 6.3 Under the Children Act 1989 a bullying incident should be addressed as a child protection concern when there is ‘reasonable cause to suspect that a child is suffering, or is likely to suffer, significant harm’. Where this is the case, school staff follow Safeguarding procedures as outlined in the Safeguarding and Child Protection Policy (2.1). It would be usual in such circumstances for all the children to be referred to the relevant agencies, and treat both victim(s) and perpetrator(s) as at risk. Even where safeguarding is not considered to be an issue, the School may draw on a range of external services to support the student who is experiencing bullying, or to tackle any underlying issue which has contributed to a child engaging in bullying. 6.4. Bullying is serious and the emotional aspects of all forms of bullying can cause psychological damage. 6.5 Bullying can be: 6.5.1 Emotional - being unfriendly, excluding repeatedly, tormenting (e.g. hiding books, threatening gestures); 6.5.2 Physical - pushing, kicking, hitting, punching or any use of violence; 6.5.3 Racist - racial taunts, direct or indirect racist remarks, graffiti, gestures; 6.5.4 Sexual - unwanted physical contact or sexually abusive comments; 6.5.5 Homophobic – direct or indirect remarks and/or actions because of, or focusing on the issue of sexuality; 6.5.6 Verbal -name-calling, sarcasm, spreading rumours, repeated teasing; 6.5.7 Cyber - all areas of internet misuse, such as:  Email & internet chat room misuse  Mobile threats by text messaging and calls  Misuse of associated technology e.g. camera &video facilities and by using the internet or phones to upset or threaten people, to post cruel messages, to send unpleasant photographs, to publish intimate or private details or images or to spread rumours  Using cameras or video facilities inappropriately in order to intentionally harm, humiliate, embarrass or otherwise upset a person including sexting.

The next point, 7, discusses what isn't bullying. Also important, I think, as many parents assume any interpersonal conflict means their child is being bullied when it may be quite normal growing up stuff, and reasonable/coming from both sides.

I don't think what the OP describes is bullying, in isolation, just shitty behaviour. But I suspect a child whose mother is actively grooming her to enjoy hurting other people's feelings over her own greater social power is likely to bully, yes. And that says some pretty hideous things about that mother, as a human being, and a parent.