Playground party invites

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

Firstly I do accept maybe I'm being oversensitive about this and I have no intention of bothering the school with such minutaie (I don't rate ds1 teacher very highly but I do believe teachers work extremely hard and it's insane to ask them to police the playground politics)

However

Three times in the last three weeks , discounting half term , I've seen this but today was the most overt

Standing today waiting for the class door to open a mum handed her dd a pack of obvious party invites , she loudly said " go and give them to the lucky ones "

The little girl then went and gave her invites out to a few children then went to one little girl and went to hand an envelope then laughed and said "oh I forgot not you " ...the poor child she had played this trick on was crestfallen , The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

The little girl approached ds1 and I could see what was coming (please see explanation below and I have never seen her interact with ds1 so they are not friends ) I glared at the mother with an absolute death glare (after years of prison work in my early career my death glare is second to none ) and kept her eyes ...she wisely stepped in and told the little girl another invitee had arrived. I was so angry , Ds1 bless him is oblivious to things a lot and I doubt had seen the interaction or understood it really (He prefers to live in dinosaur land sometimes )

So I am not accused of drip feeding ds1 has extra needs and I fully recognise (not that I would ever ever indicate to him) he isn't the most popular boy in the class, he has struggled making friends and I know the other children find him odd and a bit unusual

He is lovely kind and funny and imaginative but I get the dynamics and I'm teaching him that he's wonderful as he is and doesn't have to be included in everything , it's not an entitlement and to believe in how wonderful he is and play with the friends he wants to play with.

I don't believe people should have to invite everyone in the class at all , I really believe child's choice but whilst this was particularly overt I have seen similar

Aibu in being annoyed that this dynamic is being encourage by some parents ? I guess I feel if ds1 was only inviting a few to the party I would ask him to be considerate on how he gave the invites out and I absolutely would not allow him to play such a trick on another child

It's hard to translate tone but the mother really had an exceptionally nasty tone and thoroughly enjoyed her dd being the purveyor of the special invites publicly excluding certain children.

Of course really what would I do about it ? Nothing is what , I'm not going to make a scene , it's not the little girls fault she's encouraged to behave like that , and it's not the schools problem ,so I will continue teaching ds1 that he is wonderful and lovely and doesn't need others approval but it did make me angry

I'm usually the furthest thing from PFB honestly but perhaps I am being silly being annoyed about this
It's not the biggest issue in the world , hell it's not even the biggest issue for me this hour but it does niggle a bit.

I'm genuinely curious as to perspectives , it's not about the lack of invite but more about the encouraging children to be so exclusive publicly and not just being a tiny bit considerate ?

This kind of thing I find very hard to get my head around. It takes a really special kind of scumbag to behave like this, to deliberately upset young children, because she HAS to know that it would upset them.

There isn't a great deal you can do, however this would be a person that I would never converse with on any level and actively avoid being around.

Glad you gave her a death stare, glad she reigned herself in a tad because of it.

Maybe arrange a mums night out/ meal/ trip to the theatre and loudly ask each mum in the playground if they fancy joining you.
Pause by her and casually say "Whoops! Sorry! Not you!"
Might be a bit petty but would definitely give her pause for thought.
That's just plain cruel what she did.

I’ve got four DCs and have never seen anyone behave like that. Unbelievable behaviour and the fact that they’re doing it in front of all the other parents too.

To echo a pp though, DC are rarely as bothered about whether they get invited to parties as us grown ups though - unless a weirdly cruel adult makes a point of not inviting them in front of all their friends!

Any one who sees this happening must say something firmly and calmly next time. You can bet most of the other parents would back you up wholeheartedly.

I think you could mention it to the teacher or even the head. This woman was intimidating children on school grounds. What she said was quite cruel and bizarre.

Def mention it to the Head, or Teacher. Perhaps under the heading of topic for 'circle time' or whatever your equivalent is. School will help reinforce that being kind, and thoughtful, and considerate is important.

YANBU.

The mother of that child is a bitch and she is teaching her daughter to become one too! It's as simple as that!

The mother is an adult, she KNOWS the 'prank' with the invitation is nasty, she KNOWS it would be hurtful to be the child on the receiving end and she KNOWS that child will feel embarrassed and humiliated. And she is ENJOYING it! And she is teaching her daughter to enjoy being nasty!

I would have to say something directly to the mother even if I didn't know her, that fact she was about to prank my son would be enough for me to tell her that she is simply nasty for encouraging her daughter to 'pretend' to invite and then swipe the invitation away and I'm glad she hasn't invited my son because he wouldn't be going as I don't condone such nasty behaviour.

Only good thing is that over time the child and parent will get a reputation as other parents do talk.

I wish that were true, but my observation is that the people who do this know they can get away with it, and indeed do get away with it.

Why do so many people on Mumsnet not know what a full stop is?! I can't even get halfway through your post!

The mum sounds awful and it is easy to see her daughter will grow up taking after her, but I'm not sure what can be done about it. It might be a good start to explain to the teacher what is happening and ask if it can be mentioned to the children as a class to be thoughtful and discreet when giving out invitations. This will only take a few seconds out of their day so shouldn't be a problem for them to do (it's not like you'd be asking an overworked teacher to do something that will take 2 days.)

A couple of weeks ago a child in ds's class gave him a party invitation in the playground before school, another boy was helping give them out but I didn't see a pile of invitations left to give out so thought it might have just been a few friends, not whole class. Unfortunately the boy having the party wasn't very discreet about giving the invitation out.

A good friend with a son in the same class was there so saw it, but her ds didn't get an invite. She mentioned her ds and the birthday boy were best friends and would have expected an invitation, I played it down by saying that my ds was class representative last year and it's possible he gets some invites because of that. (This does not seem to be the case, there's not been many party invites as the children get older.) It took a good 10 minutes of playing it down to convince her though.

The other day my ds mentioned something about his friends which indicated the birthday boy was best friends with a completely different boy in their class, so I probed him about it (I'm nosey.) I asked him about my friends ds being best friends with birthday boy. He gave a definite 'no' to that, so the boys have different views on who are best friends. Then the parents get involved, taking offence their child isn't invited to their child's 'best friends' party.

It would have been much easier if the birthday boy had been more discreet when handing out invitations. I lost ours over half term so had to talk to the birthday boy's mum upon return to school about when the party is and to respond as didn't have her number off the lost invitation. I felt like I had to do this without my friend noticing so as to not rub it in her face as such. (Turns out only 5 children from school were invited, birthday boy's mum appreciated me waiting until playground was clear before mentioning it so other parents didn't find out their children weren't invited.)

It's a bit of a minefield out there in the school playground, even more so when a parent/child is being overt about choosing people/leaving people out of parties. My friend was hurt that my ds had an invite to a party over her ds, I am not going to break it to her that her ds and birthday boy aren't viewed as best friends by birthday boy (and others), I am not diplomatic enough to deflect that fallout.

In our school if you are not inviting everyone in the class, invitations have to be given outside school premises. Most people text invites or have a FB message group, that is just plain nasty!

YANBU.

I'd have a word with school - this being used as a form of bullying by making some children feel socially excluded. And it's not your son, on this occasion, but another child.

Love the death stare. I have a mental image of the party girl prancing round like Violet Elizabeth Bott, while her mum is reduced to a pile of smouldering rubble!

It took a good 10 minutes of playing it down to convince her though.
bloody hell, when do people grow up!

Again, the mother from the OP is a bitch, but it's ridiculous to make such a fuss because your child doesn't have an invite (not talking about the OP here!)

Maybe it's small number, and they felt they have to invite some kids to reciprocate something. Maybe the kids fell out. Maybe the parents are annoying and the others are trying to avoid them. Who knows. It's rare that someone throws a class party every single year, so kids are always left out. It's life, and it's not even personal.

You're right they can't invite everyone and they do need to learn not to be expected to be invited to everything

But what you're describing is overtly making it clear to certain children they're not invited, rubbing their noses in it and taking pleasure in it

I would go to the school generally not just the teacher as it's not a one class issue and see if they can remind certain parents of the rules if there are any. I think that's reasonable

I've had a few years out from party stuff but have a little one starting reception thus year and all this crap.will start again he is quite anti social so I don't think he would cope with his own party
I think I'm gonna decline all invites
Your glare must be well scary

Wow. What a total bitch (the party mum!). She's massively heading for a fall. As kids get older they start to realise gradually that some people just aren't nice. The girl will either end up a massive bully and in mega trouble or just a very lonely girl with no idea why. I feel sorry for her.

I would feel exactly like you OP.

My dcs are teens now but our school rules were - no handing out invites in the school playground unless it was a whole class party.

It made it difficult handing out small invites but we managed. Thank god the party invite thing stopped being a thing a few years ago.

Your ds sounds lovely and you have a great parenting attitude.

I remember when DD was in reception one of the girls was handing out invitations with her mother helping. She handed one to a little girl next to DD and then the mother looked at DD who was looking hopeful and said “Sorry, not you, she doesn’t like you”.

I wish I had thought of a fast enough response. At least it told me who to avoid at all costs in the future.

You have to feel sorry for someone who gets their kicks from helping their child bully others.

I'm finding the OP really difficult to believe. Awful if true but I doubt it.

I think you should mention it to the teacher who may then be able to say that invites can be given out in a different or not at all. Kids can be so mean about who is and who isn’t invited even without meaning it but for parents to encourage it is just horrible.

I have to admit I have now gone away dine some work and it's given me some headspace and actually I think I am going to email the school to clarify procedure and raise this

I think ultimately it can't hurt and even if it does nothing then I haven't lost anything

@custardcreamlover oh dear my apologies if a few missed full stops affected you reading through the rest of my post my huge sympathies for your limited comprehension ability....I'll continue to take advice from those who battled through the travesty until the end

@smileymoon really ? Frankly if I was going to make something up it would be so much more exciting...and would probably have painted myself in a better light , but we are all entitled to our opinions however odd they may be

@StinkyCandle
Because I live in the real world. It's not full of rainbows and unicorns. There is a big difference between handing out invites discreetly, and making a show of who is and isn't invited. My eldest child and her friends thought the mum was out of order given the age of the class (5). I stand by what I said 100 percent. If a collegue walked into your office and hands out invitations to a few chosen ones whilst smiling and enjoying telling everyone about the event, I'm pretty sure you'd mutter 'what a twat' under your breath. It's happened in my office, I got invited and many didn't. People have to learn that its never okay to show off and gloat whilst excluding others.

Well the type of person that mum is has been covered. I would raise it with the school, encouraging this kind of behaviour in the playground isn't on and the school could help.

@shinyletsbebadboys 😂

I'm really sorry to all of you who experienced the same with their own DC

I honestly had no idea this sort of behaviour was so widespread, it absolutely boggles the mind (I do love that phrase) that parents could be that mean and I was so agog this morning even then thinking it was just our school

Apparently not

There are really some giant twats out there

I don't hold out much hope for a good response from the school but hopefully trying to put a dent in twattishness like this can't hurt

@Margot33

YWDNBU. It's incredibly crass to hand out invites like that unless the entire class is invited. Someone I worked with was spoken to by HR because she had a habit of making a song and dance of arranging social events and excluding just a few.

I think the majority of kids get over not being invited quite quickly but there will be some DC who are always the ones leaving school without an invite and for them it can really hurt when it happens time and time again.