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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playground party invites

245 replies

Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2019 09:07

Firstly I do accept maybe I'm being oversensitive about this and I have no intention of bothering the school with such minutaie (I don't rate ds1 teacher very highly but I do believe teachers work extremely hard and it's insane to ask them to police the playground politics)

However

Three times in the last three weeks , discounting half term , I've seen this but today was the most overt

Standing today waiting for the class door to open a mum handed her dd a pack of obvious party invites , she loudly said " go and give them to the lucky ones "

The little girl then went and gave her invites out to a few children then went to one little girl and went to hand an envelope then laughed and said "oh I forgot not you " ...the poor child she had played this trick on was crestfallen , The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

The little girl approached ds1 and I could see what was coming (please see explanation below and I have never seen her interact with ds1 so they are not friends ) I glared at the mother with an absolute death glare (after years of prison work in my early career my death glare is second to none ) and kept her eyes ...she wisely stepped in and told the little girl another invitee had arrived. I was so angry , Ds1 bless him is oblivious to things a lot and I doubt had seen the interaction or understood it really (He prefers to live in dinosaur land sometimes )

So I am not accused of drip feeding ds1 has extra needs and I fully recognise (not that I would ever ever indicate to him) he isn't the most popular boy in the class, he has struggled making friends and I know the other children find him odd and a bit unusual

He is lovely kind and funny and imaginative but I get the dynamics and I'm teaching him that he's wonderful as he is and doesn't have to be included in everything , it's not an entitlement and to believe in how wonderful he is and play with the friends he wants to play with.

I don't believe people should have to invite everyone in the class at all , I really believe child's choice but whilst this was particularly overt I have seen similar

Aibu in being annoyed that this dynamic is being encourage by some parents ? I guess I feel if ds1 was only inviting a few to the party I would ask him to be considerate on how he gave the invites out and I absolutely would not allow him to play such a trick on another child

It's hard to translate tone but the mother really had an exceptionally nasty tone and thoroughly enjoyed her dd being the purveyor of the special invites publicly excluding certain children.

Of course really what would I do about it ? Nothing is what , I'm not going to make a scene , it's not the little girls fault she's encouraged to behave like that , and it's not the schools problem ,so I will continue teaching ds1 that he is wonderful and lovely and doesn't need others approval but it did make me angry

I'm usually the furthest thing from PFB honestly but perhaps I am being silly being annoyed about this
It's not the biggest issue in the world , hell it's not even the biggest issue for me this hour but it does niggle a bit.

I'm genuinely curious as to perspectives , it's not about the lack of invite but more about the encouraging children to be so exclusive publicly and not just being a tiny bit considerate ?

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 28/02/2019 12:09

I think you should say something to the school. Some schools will give them out for you. If your school can't do that they could perhaps just send a gentle reminder by text to parents to give out sensitively as some children are feeling left out.

My DD gave hers out at school herself, she didn't invite the whole class but I was very clear with her that she should give them quietly to her friends and not make the people not invited feel sad. That's all this mum had to do, not encourage her to be so cruel!

toomuchtooold · 28/02/2019 12:10

Some people, what is wrong with them.

We ended up inviting sixteen fucking kids for my girls' birthday (they're twins) because it was their last year of kindergarten and I hated the idea of leaving anybody out. The mums at kindergarten would slip the invites into the kids' boxes after they'd gone in, that way you'd find them just before hometime and there wouldn't be tons of chat about who got invited and who not. At the end of the day it's just some sandwiches and streamers and a bit of running about, it's not like the royal wedding or something, but I remember as a kid I was the slightly weird kid whose mum didn't reciprocate playdates and party invites and it did hurt, always being excluded. What goes on in the head of an adult who would make a kid feel like that on purpose I can't even imagine. Maybe this is an extreme opinion but I reckon, you know when people say "but how could normal nice people collaborate with the Nazis or join in the genocide in Rwanda" - that's the kind of people it is. They're just waiting for an opportunity to be evil without any comeback.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 28/02/2019 12:17

She is teaching her child to derive pleasure from upsetting other people. What an incredibly inappropriate way to bring up a child.

I didn't think anyone did physical invitations anymore, at my DC's primary school it has been text/WhatsApp invites for years.

Margot33 · 28/02/2019 12:21

No that wasn't nice. Let's see how she feels when it's on the other foot! At our school, invitations get slipped into their book bags. This way there's no upset, as the uninvited are unaware. Only once has a parent not done this. She gave her son the limited amount of invitations before school, to hand out. Cue lots of five year old children asking if they could go...lots of sad faces all round. My eldest daughter asked me, 'why she would do that?!' I replied 'because that mother...is a twat'.

Swishswish26 · 28/02/2019 12:23

You can still do something, I second everyone who said mention it to the head. Just a quick email would suffice. She should absolutely not be able to get away with this and waiting until next time is too late.

Yabbers · 28/02/2019 12:26

but told DD to give then discreetly
I did this. She then ended up making a big thing about it being a secret, in the way that 9 year olds are prone to do 😂 Luckily I was there and reined it in.

I do realise some may feel I should have done / do now things differently and I'm not justifying my lack of response in the moment

You did just fine. MN is full of people who never do anything at all in these situations, you got a message across to her which would have given her a little pause for thought. I’m the type of person who is bolshy and will call it out but even with that I can be at a loss sometimes.

Keep on swimming, you’ll get there with DS. This SN parenting lark is a real rollercoaster. Hurts like hell that we are expected to ensure “resilience” where others don’t have to but I know DD is all the better for having it.

Funnyface1 · 28/02/2019 12:36

What a horrible, horrible woman. I really hope your glare told her exactly what you think of her.

Lemonsquinky · 28/02/2019 12:38

This happened to ds1 when he was 9. The whole friendship group apart from him. The mother didn't like me. Also we had to go to parties with him as he has additional needs. We took him to legoland instead. He was really upset and cried and I was furious she was using my child to get at me.
Some people are just nasty. You can't put a flower in an arsehole and call it a vase.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 28/02/2019 12:39

Only good thing is that over time the child and parent will get a reputation as other parents do talk.

Ellapaella · 28/02/2019 12:43

The mum is a complete knob.

CripsSandwiches · 28/02/2019 12:49

OP you did a great job reacting to that bitch of a mum. In the heat of the moment I would probably have done nothing but seethed for days afterwards. At least you made it clear you'd seen what her DD was doing and how unacceptable it was. To be honest if you'd made a big scene (or even had a quiet word) that kind of person would probably just assume you were upset because you weren't one of "the chosen few".

Cantusethatname · 28/02/2019 13:00

I still hold a grudge against someone who did this 17 years later.
She thinks I've forgotten but I bloody haven't.

But your example sounds horrendous. I would write to the head and say in effect a woman has entered an infant classroom and psychologically bullied a child there and would have gone on to psychologically bully others. State that there needs to be a change in school policy so that people who are this way inclined (sadly lacking social skills, manners and basic kindness) are not allowed to do this to small children.

Copy the letter to the chair of governors.

E20mom · 28/02/2019 13:03

You were t being precious. The mum sounds like a bitch.

You and you death stare sound just like me.Smile

E20mom · 28/02/2019 13:03
  • weren't
strangerthongs · 28/02/2019 13:04

"lucky ones"???

What a cow!

It's not about whether your child is invited or not, but the mother's manner of dealing with it was rotten

LEELULUMPKIN · 28/02/2019 13:05

Speaking as the Mum of a gorgeous soon to be 14 year old DS with SEN, who in his whole time at school so far (almost 9 years) has had just one party invite from a classmate, I am raging with you OP.

What a shitty trick.

StinkyCandle · 28/02/2019 13:06

Cue lots of five year old children asking if they could go...lots of sad faces all round. My eldest daughter asked me, 'why she would do that?!' I replied 'because that mother...is a twat'.

how old are you! You sound just as bad.

Of course a 5 year old has a sad face when he's not invited, within 2 minute he gets over it, that's not a bad life lesson. Is it really necessary to start a playground bitch fest by insulting others instead of just explaining that you can't always have a class party and leave it there.

Some parents are even worst than the kids!

Passing4Human · 28/02/2019 13:12

Good on you OP with your death stare. What a nasty cow that woman is. I think if anyone had said anything to her, she'd still not get it at all and retort with something patronising like, "they need to learn.../important life lesson..." entirely missing the point that there are ways of doing things.

Of course you can't always have a class party. But the mother the OP is describing behaved really badly, "the lucky ones" etc.

Yogagirl123 · 28/02/2019 13:16

I can remember this, DS2 never got invited to parties, and he used to get so upset, he loved a party.

DS1 Always got invited and never wanted to go! And used to hide the invitations say he didn’t have to go!! Lead to some embarrassing moments for me! You really can’t win as a parent sometimes.

Very insensitive of parents to behave like this, and I am sure they won’t like it one bit when their child is not invited.

MumUnderTheMoon · 28/02/2019 13:18

Don't think there is anything you can do except raise it with school. It is bullying and it happening on school grounds. Point out that you don't care that he isn't invited but that the obvious and sometimes cruel exclusion of kids is hard to watch. The school could send home a letter that asks for invites to be given to the class teacher and they could be subtly placed in the school bag of the children they are addressed to. Other than that you just have to accept that some people are just dickheads and really can't help themselves. And also how pathetic are you that you have to get your vicarious bullying thrill through your child.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 28/02/2019 13:26

The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

She actually said this? What a bitch.

I don't agree with banning invites being given out on the playground altogether though. It's perfectly possible to do it discreetly. Even if this Mum and her child hadn't been allowed to give out their invitations at school, the Mother would probably found some other way of being a dick about it like talking loudly about the party in front of everyone. The uninvited children would still get wind of it either way.

It's really shit, but learning how to cope with disappointment is a pretty important life skill and I think it's important for children to understand that they won't always be included in everything. It's also important for them to learn that some people are twats. Because, unfortunately, our kids are going to have to interact with people who are twats their whole lives and if we as parents, or the school, shield them from all forms of twattery then how will they ever learn to manage difficult people?

rosydreams · 28/02/2019 13:26

this reminds me of when my little girl and another really got a long but i noticed her mum moving her away from her.Slowly over time she was disencouraged to play with her which was a shame.

My daughter is delayed and seeing parents encourage children to single out children is so disappointing.

I wish they would just put invites in their bag my daughter gets so excited when she hears someones having a party ,shes never invited

Letseatgrandma · 28/02/2019 13:28

I wish they would just put invites in their bag

I hope by ‘they’ you don’t mean the teachers. Things like that can get very time consuming.

TinyTear · 28/02/2019 13:30

the issue there is with the twat of a mother...

I had a small party for my 7yo, we could only invite 6 girls (from a class of 25 pupils) and really nothing meant to the other children...

my daughter took the invites to school, gave them to the relevant kids with no fuss...

MissEliza · 28/02/2019 13:31

Not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough. Sweet Jesus. Thank god my kids were lucky enough never to be in a class with such nasty parents.