Playground party invites

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

Firstly I do accept maybe I'm being oversensitive about this and I have no intention of bothering the school with such minutaie (I don't rate ds1 teacher very highly but I do believe teachers work extremely hard and it's insane to ask them to police the playground politics)

However

Three times in the last three weeks , discounting half term , I've seen this but today was the most overt

Standing today waiting for the class door to open a mum handed her dd a pack of obvious party invites , she loudly said " go and give them to the lucky ones "

The little girl then went and gave her invites out to a few children then went to one little girl and went to hand an envelope then laughed and said "oh I forgot not you " ...the poor child she had played this trick on was crestfallen , The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

The little girl approached ds1 and I could see what was coming (please see explanation below and I have never seen her interact with ds1 so they are not friends ) I glared at the mother with an absolute death glare (after years of prison work in my early career my death glare is second to none ) and kept her eyes ...she wisely stepped in and told the little girl another invitee had arrived. I was so angry , Ds1 bless him is oblivious to things a lot and I doubt had seen the interaction or understood it really (He prefers to live in dinosaur land sometimes )

So I am not accused of drip feeding ds1 has extra needs and I fully recognise (not that I would ever ever indicate to him) he isn't the most popular boy in the class, he has struggled making friends and I know the other children find him odd and a bit unusual

He is lovely kind and funny and imaginative but I get the dynamics and I'm teaching him that he's wonderful as he is and doesn't have to be included in everything , it's not an entitlement and to believe in how wonderful he is and play with the friends he wants to play with.

I don't believe people should have to invite everyone in the class at all , I really believe child's choice but whilst this was particularly overt I have seen similar

Aibu in being annoyed that this dynamic is being encourage by some parents ? I guess I feel if ds1 was only inviting a few to the party I would ask him to be considerate on how he gave the invites out and I absolutely would not allow him to play such a trick on another child

It's hard to translate tone but the mother really had an exceptionally nasty tone and thoroughly enjoyed her dd being the purveyor of the special invites publicly excluding certain children.

Of course really what would I do about it ? Nothing is what , I'm not going to make a scene , it's not the little girls fault she's encouraged to behave like that , and it's not the schools problem ,so I will continue teaching ds1 that he is wonderful and lovely and doesn't need others approval but it did make me angry

I'm usually the furthest thing from PFB honestly but perhaps I am being silly being annoyed about this
It's not the biggest issue in the world , hell it's not even the biggest issue for me this hour but it does niggle a bit.

I'm genuinely curious as to perspectives , it's not about the lack of invite but more about the encouraging children to be so exclusive publicly and not just being a tiny bit considerate ?

The school has a legal duty to have an anti bullying policy and make all children and parents aware of this.

As far as I can see, an adult gloating at a small child and enjoying her distress, a small child who presumably was not protected at that time by her own mother, is absolutely 100% bullying and needs to be addressed.

"I have to admit I have now gone away dine some work and it's given me some headspace and actually I think I am going to email the school to clarify procedure and raise this"

The trick to this (I think) is to put yourself in the teachers' shoes. It's usually best to report the plain facts then step away....

then form a couple of alliances and mention that you have provided this feedback

in that way you can hopefully change the culture.

He prefers to live in dinosaur land sometimes
He's got the right idea. Wouldn't it be great to have a pet T-Rex that you could take walkies to school and that might, accidentally, bite the heads off Mrs Bitch and her cohort. Or maybe a pet Raptor that could leave them with their entrails hanging out as you step over them in the playground saying 'oh dear, you really weren't lucky enough, but at least you were chosen'

The school DS goes too now only allows whole class invites to be given out in the playground, and only at the end of the day because of behaviour like this.

Parents are worst than the kids. By miles.

@shinyletsbebadguys this is disgusting behaviour from that mother and not at all over sensitive. I don't understand why she would stand there and allow her child to behave in such a manner. As others have said should be done discreetly. Hope you feel better 👍

Thank you @HolesinTheSoles.
It annoys me when some people say 'get over it' or 'suck it up, that's life'. Because intent is key in every situation. Yes of course we cant be invited to everything because of simple logistics. But It's never okay to blatantly exclude children nor adults alike. I'm glad HR nipped your colleague's behaviour in the bud. It's totally unnecessary and unkind. It causes friction between the group. It says alot about her character.

I’ve heard of a child going up to another with an invite and then ripping it up in front of that child. The mother laughed. Yes she is that parent and the majority of other parents are aware of it. There are a lot of raised eyebrows at times.

I think that when we use phrases like "we're lucky that..." we forget how easily those can be abused and used for bullying.

So the mother was able to "hide" behind her words "oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

teachers can sense this but they can't necessarily analyse it/call it out...

@friartuck ds1 and I have had many many conversations about which dinosaur he wants for a pet... so far I have been successful with the excuse that they would be too big and their heads would poke out of the attic and in the megladons case the bath wasn't big enough but I suspect my excuses are wearing thin

The mum sounds awful and crass, I can see her little darling following in her footsteps. Good on you for giving the 'deathstare', if I had done that I would have looked like a demented zombie😂😂😂😂

You're right the Mums a dick. The chosen few! I'm not sure she will enjoy it so much when her DC fails that bar - as they will. It's inevitable. Whole class invites don't survive beyond reception normally.

So forget it! Why would anyone for a moment consider involving teachers - they are there to teach. Not adjudicate manners. Move on. In life there are many more invites (stupid parents or not) that will pass your DC by, as there are for all of us. Dickhead Mums day has been and gone.

in the megladons case the bath wasn't big enough
You need a house with a swimming pool - though I'd go with a bog-standard Great White myself.
Dinosaur-wise, I've always been partial to a triceratops but I think you'd be patching up the ceiling a bit too often given their horns. After Jurassic World I could see a case for a pet raptor since they're intelligent enough to train but I'd not be trusting one round DDog or DCats. It's a shame I never had kids - you sound like you get some great conversations

'Lucky Ones'?

What an absolute muppet.

I am the total opposite of this. DS is having a party and we have only invited half the class so I am desperately hoping it goes totally under the radar, no one mentions it to those not invited and the party can just come and go inconspicuously!

The mother is a cunt and unfortunately her darling daughter will probably grow up to be the same with actions like that being positively encouraged.

I'm another one who experienced similar situations with DS in primary school - I think, in all honesty, there's not a single parent if a child with additional needs who hasn't. Thankfully my DS was the same as yours and totally oblivious to it (his private world was occupied mostly by Transformers and Cars but had the same effect!).

I really think you need to focus on complaining about what the mother said and basically encouraging her child to play a “prank” on another child by pretending to invite her. It’s not about invites handed out at the playground. At our primary, invites are handed out at the playground. Lots of parents have smaller parties at home rather than rent our church halls and the kids are use to 5-10 of them being invited to a birthday party, as opposed to an entire class. The kids understand that when they don’t play with X much, then X will probably not be inviting them to their party because X plays more often with A, B and C.

But I’ve never seen anyone put on the kind of shitshow the OP describes.

"focus on complaining about what the mother said and basically encouraging her child to play a “prank” on another child by pretending to invite her."

that's good advice I think - kind of unarguable. whereas a general discussion about whether party invites on the playground are ok or not is something the staff probably have to deal with all the time.

good luck with it.

Would be bad coming from a child, but from an adult it’s appalling.

We don't do paper invites anymore. Just WhatsApp invites. Much more discrete.

Hi OP,

You are not being precious at all. That is awful behavior from the other mum.

I appreciate you don’t want to make a fuss and it’s nothing to do with the school and teacher in particular but I would consider sending a quiet email and speaking directly to the office about the handing out of party invites in general. Most schools have some sort of policy - invites handed out at school for the whole class only or not at all. I get that once they are out of the door it’s not technically in class, but surely this could be extended to the playground.

Where I am, it’s invites for the class of five out at school. Personal invites need to be given directly and not on school property. Most parents will email invites.

You are not being unreasonable. Mum is a twat. And teaching her child to be one too.

Lucky? Hmmm...

The must is a disgrace to let her child behave like that !!! I have a 19 yr old , 18 yr old and a 5 yr old. My 19 yr old has ADHD and was THAT child in the class who didnt get invited to any parties when he was younger. Some parents are tw@ts .
My 18yr old had a party when aged 6 and we invited the entire class as i hate the thought of someones child being left out. My 5 yr old is 6 in Sep and ive just booked for her party , once again i will invite the whole class . Im not saying you should always invite the whole class , when they get older they usually have formed friend groups and that's fine in my opinion , but there are ways to go about it and the way that child behaved was cruel

Gosh this gives me flashbacks.
I'm in my late 30s and remember invites being handed out when I was 10 to everyone except me. It still worries me now. The adult in me knows the mum was being insensitive at the time and the girl wasn't a close friend or anything but around 15 of our 21 class were "the lucky ones" and it was traumatising!
So YANBU!
And I'll go get some therapy!

I would tell the teacher which little girl she did this to - she was effectively bullying her - teachers are interested in this sort of things. For the record, I email parents with invites - its so cruel to do it infront of other children.

YANBU, I have come across some exceptionally nasty mums in my time which clearly imprints onto their children. Keep doing what you’re doing with your child. Te will win out with a fab mum teaching him the correct way to behave

You are not being sensitive, precious or silly. That mothers vile behaviour is cruel to say the least. Sadly she is raising a child who is learning by her example. I personally think your son is the lucky one, firstly he’s not going to the party, secondly and more importantly he has a lovely caring mum.