Is it mean to make DD (11yo) buy her own stuff?

[InconsistentlyFestive]

Very quick post as I need to dash to work and likely won't see responses until hometime, sorry!

Just had a bit of an argument with DD.

We're not 'well off'. Have about £50 'leftover' each week for non-essentials which I save for things through the year such as presents or days out in the summer.

Dd has lost about 4 lunchboxes this year. This morning she got upset saying she cannot bear her current lunchbox another day and wants a new design (she LOVED this one three weeks ago). She assures me no one is picking on her about it but she just hates it herself as it's 'too orange'.

She also wants me to buy her new school skirts, cardigans and a school bag because she no longer likes the style of them (again - these are all items she selected and LOVED at the start of the summer).

AIBU to start telling her that I will only buy her what's needed for school at the start of each year/through the year if things necessarily need replaced? If she then loses things or changes her mind about liking them, she has to use her own savings (gift money etc.)?

She's also doing this with non-school stuff. She wants me to buy her new trainers because she doesn't like her black ones anymore (they're Nike ones so it's nothing to do with branding/trying to fit in with peers - purely their colour!). Again, AIBU to tell her I will buy her shoes when needed (a few times through the year when her feet grow) but if she changes her mind and wants ones of the same size but a different style, she needs to buy these herself? Likewise, with coats, clothes etc?

I understand she's at an age where she's trying to fit in and trying to find her 'identity' through clothes so will change her mind a lot, but I feel I need to set a precedent not before she starts her teen years/secondary and this expectation becomes worse!

I was going to say YABU when I saw the title.
But no you aren't BU.
I think she needs to understand that you just don't have the funds to do that.
Some families have more and some have less, but you have is all you have and you can't keep replacing things for her.
If she wants something then yes, she can use her own money.

I was clearly joking about the coal mines @janetforpresident
I just feel that everyone is rushing to say how they don't spoil their children and teach them the value of money etc...
And missing out the fact that an eleven year old girl has

1. Lost four lunch boxes in a year. That's not normal.
2. Is suddenly deciding she doesn't like clothes that before she liked very much. Red flag for either being bullied, or at the very least feeling supremely self conscious about what she is wearing and wanting to fit in. Either of these scenarios require kindness and communication, rather than an attitude of 'you'll get what your given and you can do some chores while your at it to teach you the value of money'.

feeling supremely self conscious about what she is wearing and wanting to fit in

But that's probably 90% of 11 year olds in the country. We need to each them that they don't need to "fit in" to be liked and happy they should just be themselves. Buying them stuff teaches them that they need to buy stuff to fit in.

In general, I agree with most of what’s been said, however, something feels a little bit ‘off’. It seems sudden, intense and ‘odd’. Personally I’d be more worried about what was going on with her that she was behaving like this.

Honestly I would just say no. She picked the stuff she is stuck with it. Aside from the fact that you can't afford it, it is very wasteful to replace stuff unnecessarily. Only you can decide if it's just her age or if there is something else going on, ie pressure from her peers, it's definitely worth having a conversation around that just in case.

It is a worth checking whether there is bullying in the background- as others have said, she is losing a lot of lunchboxes.

You might be having this problem because you are relying on the fact that you have limited funds as the main reason that she can't have new things every time she changes her mind about which version is best.

In households with more money, children would be told that they just get one lunchbox, because that is all they need. They aren't led to expect that they could have any lunchbox they want, even though their parents could afford them.

She can see that money is a limited resource and the only thing holding her back from a new lunchbox every week, so she is making her bid to ensure that she gets her fair share of limited money.

Yanbu

Hopefully she will learn to think more carefully about purchases.

I find my DD used to do this at that age. However, it'd 'wear off' after about a week. So if you can postpone it, kick the can down the road, she may well be fine with the old shoes again then. You could say 'stick with the orange lunchbox till Easter and then we'll see' or something.
If she's having meltdowns over it, then that's a different kettle of fish going on.
It's just kids comparing themselves. Feeling out of control at school, etc, esp if she is in a new school or class. They try to exert control over the things they can control i.e. their stuff.

YANBU. DSD constantly breaks her bags, she refuses to use a rucksack type bag and it has to be ridiculous oversized handbags. But every few weeks it 'breaks' so she 'needs' a new one immediately. We now make her replace them herself from her pocket money and oddly enough, they don't 'break' anymore! Such a coincidence. we were obviously abusing her and being horrible when we said she needs to buy them herself though

Those concerned that the DD is being bullied, yes this might be the case, but isn't is also equally likely that she is just throwing these items away and then saying she has lost them in the hope that the OP will buy her a new lunchbox of the style that she covets this week?

I'd definable tell her that the things you buy that she wants are to last for x time.
She uses her pocket money or savings to buy more.
Mine was older but she had x amount a month for buses, lunch and clothing. It's made her really money aware.

Some good advice here. Maybe tell her in future one lunchbox must last a full term. If she loses it or wants a different one, she can use a plain container or save up her pocket money. Same with school clothes. Once they have chosen them, that's it until they have grown out of them.

I think it’s a good idea for her to buy her own things but I would help her choose something she genuinely liked.
I remember shopping with my mum and she’d always persuade me into a compromise I’d regret. When everyone had DMs for school I really wanted a pair but my mum persuaded me they were too clumpy so I got a more delicate pair of lace ups which I soon realised were actually “granny shoes”. God I hated them. How many of us adults have never made a choice in a shop we later regret? Imagine if someone made you wear your worst fashion mistake to work every single day for twelve weeks

I agree Cocopops2010.

There is more going on here than meets the eye. It's not about the lunchboxes or the clothes or shoes.

Actually what Cocopops says is worth thinking about. Her desire to change things might not be her being fussy if something else/someone else is undermining her or being unkind about her clothes/shoes/lunchbox.