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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it mean to make DD (11yo) buy her own stuff?

115 replies

InconsistentlyFestive · 28/02/2019 07:31

Very quick post as I need to dash to work and likely won't see responses until hometime, sorry!

Just had a bit of an argument with DD.

We're not 'well off'. Have about £50 'leftover' each week for non-essentials which I save for things through the year such as presents or days out in the summer.

Dd has lost about 4 lunchboxes this year. This morning she got upset saying she cannot bear her current lunchbox another day and wants a new design (she LOVED this one three weeks ago). She assures me no one is picking on her about it but she just hates it herself as it's 'too orange'.

She also wants me to buy her new school skirts, cardigans and a school bag because she no longer likes the style of them (again - these are all items she selected and LOVED at the start of the summer).

AIBU to start telling her that I will only buy her what's needed for school at the start of each year/through the year if things necessarily need replaced? If she then loses things or changes her mind about liking them, she has to use her own savings (gift money etc.)?

She's also doing this with non-school stuff. She wants me to buy her new trainers because she doesn't like her black ones anymore (they're Nike ones so it's nothing to do with branding/trying to fit in with peers - purely their colour!). Again, AIBU to tell her I will buy her shoes when needed (a few times through the year when her feet grow) but if she changes her mind and wants ones of the same size but a different style, she needs to buy these herself? Likewise, with coats, clothes etc?

I understand she's at an age where she's trying to fit in and trying to find her 'identity' through clothes so will change her mind a lot, but I feel I need to set a precedent not before she starts her teen years/secondary and this expectation becomes worse!

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 28/02/2019 13:09

My mum would have laughed herself to death at your examples. And we were well off.

If I had previously been given something I wanted and then wanted something new less than a month later I would have been told I can have whatever I want when I buy it myself, or that I would wait and ask for it for my birthday.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 28/02/2019 13:13

Yanbu, you've been quite restrained with lunchboxes. After so many lost she'd only get basic ones in this house.

Margot33 · 28/02/2019 13:19

If mine ask me to buy another sonething just because theyve gone off it, I utter the same sentence 'I cant afford it' every time. They can't make you buy something!

MumUnderTheMoon · 28/02/2019 13:25

YANBU I think it's fine to replace items which need it but as children are still growing and changing I only replace things that are broken or out grown. Also if she "looses" her lunch box I'd give her a plastic bag to replace it

FishCanFly · 28/02/2019 13:31

Just say no to unreasonable purchases. I wouldn't trust an 11yo to buy her own stuff sensibly. Except for a lunchbox really.

BiglyBadgers · 28/02/2019 13:42

I don't think it's ever too early to get children to start taking some responsibility for money. It is such an important skill to learn and the only way to learn it is by doing it.

My daughter is 6 and if she wanted to get a new lunchbox just because she didn't like the one she had I would expect her to get this from her pocket money. She gets £4 a week, and has done for the past couple of years. She uses it to buy toys, magazines and extras she wants like snazzy water bottles. It has taught her to budget, save and to think carefully about what she really wants rather than just wanting things for the sake of it.

I honestly think it's probably the best bit of parenting I've done. Wink

Tonsilss · 28/02/2019 13:43

Give her a small regular budget and show her the local charity shops.

outpinked · 28/02/2019 13:45

Even if you had the money going spare it would be absolutely ridiculous to replace things purely because she no longer likes the look of them Hmm. Puberty really is the most mysterious time...

Children need teaching a valuable lesson about money management but also about waste. It is extremely wasteful to want a new lunchbox three weeks after buying that one because of the colour.

mastertomsmum · 28/02/2019 14:10

As regards lunch bag use one from the cupboard if you have one. No more fancy things. I would not encourage her to waste money on a new one as this may not teach her wise use of her own money.

Clothing is tricky - my DS grows out of or wears out most uniform bought at beginning of school year round about now. Being a boy he doesn't have fashion requirements, although he did dislike the shape of the jumper at primary school.

For us uniform is about value, fit and durability. Regarding the wears out above that's school trouser knees and they only take 1-3 trips up in the playground whatever brand. I suppose if your child wants to spend money on school clothing she could but you might suggest she sticks with what she has and invests a small amount in out of school wear she likes.

hickerydickerydockmouse · 28/02/2019 14:13

YNBU but that being said I do think she should get a fix pocket money once a month. She can earn more by doing chores if you wish but I am one of those who think that chores should b done by every one because they live in the house and it's helpful to other members of family, not because one is being paid for it.

CabbageHippy · 28/02/2019 14:16

not unreasonable - I would give her the opportunity to earn some extra money via chores if she wants to. DSS is a right little negotiator - charges me 50p a stair for vacuuming with a bonus of my choosing depending on how good a job he has done

Are you sure she isn't being a little picked on & not admitting to it though?

Gth1234 · 28/02/2019 14:16

Your DD is being influenced by her peers. Good luck.

BartonHollow · 28/02/2019 14:21

You are not being unreasonable and you've got to wonder if DD has a very spoiled friend with a constantly changing array of coats, bags, boxes and skirts she's trying to keep up with

My group had such a spoiled girl and it got to the point were none of us would go shopping with her because we had a reasonable allowance and she had a credit card!

lifetothefull · 28/02/2019 14:22

I have money in the family budget that could cover this type of stuff, but I still wouldn't as it teaches children to be wasteful.
I might show pity for one lost lunch box, but not changes in taste.

Frouby · 28/02/2019 14:28

Dd is 14, and since being 12 has had a weekly allowance of £10 a week.

The deal is I spend £100 twice a year on clothes. Anything above that she buys herself. I buy uniform once a year and anything lost is replaced by her. I buy 1 x school shoes, 1 x trainers, 1 x winter boots. Anything else she buys.

I buy basic toiletries. Sanpro, deodorant, shower gel, shampoo etc. Any fancy stuff she buys.

It works well for us. She has to earn that £10. She cleans the bathroom, vacuums upstairs and might have to nip to shop for milk etc. I might treat her if I feel flush but we usually stick to those rules. Sporting kit I buy the essentials she pays for anything else.

Cocopops2010 · 28/02/2019 14:39

I’m quite surprised by all these messages. Everyone seems to be saying how sensible they are with money and how I want won’t get and hey let’s just send kids down the coal mines with a lump of bread and be done with it...
I would be concerned that DD is being picked on. The fact she has ‘lost’ four lunchboxes (how? Why?) is a big red flag to me.

janetforpresident · 28/02/2019 14:44

I wouldn't replace anything that didn't need replacing even if we were wealthy. It's wasteful and teaches them they don't need to look after things or value what they have.

janetforpresident · 28/02/2019 14:45

Cocopops2010 if she is getting bulliesld but f her a new lunchbox or trainers isn't going to stop that.

Also coal mines- are you serious!?

Mumofaprinny · 28/02/2019 14:51

No, yanbu and I would make her save her pocket money to buy it herself.

dreichuplands · 28/02/2019 14:52

My DS loses a lot of stuff, four single gloves this year! I have explained that the next set will come out of his weekly pocket money. I find the motivation often having to buy new lunch boxes etc often causes a good hunt and for the old ones to be found.
I wouldn't dream of replacing stuff just because DC got bored but they have £5 now dollars a week and can spend this on whatever they what.
Thankfully we have a strict school uniform so there are no issues there.
Highlight the environmental waste and then let her save up if she still wants it.
I actually think it is easier to say no if you have the money to say yes because you don't feel guilty about saying it in the same way.

Purpleartichoke · 28/02/2019 14:56

We could afford to replace those items and I still wouldn’t. My job is to provide functional things my DD needs. I do my best to meet preferences, but there are limits even at the initial purchase. Learning to spend money wisely is also an important lesson.. If the shoes were causing blisters I would replace them, but not if the problem is simply the look. If the lunch box turned out to be junk with a zipper that was constantly popping open, I would replace it, but not just because she doesn’t like the color. You get the idea.

user1494670108 · 28/02/2019 14:58

I had a lot of conversations with my dd at that age about the difference between "need" and"want".
We buy what she needs, she buys what she wants.
We could afford to buy her the things she wants as well as those she needs but it is vital that she learns the value of money and this seems the best way

Iggly · 28/02/2019 14:59

I would give the pocket money regardless of behaviour (does it work as a behaviour motivator if she gets £0 some weeks) then let her decide how she spends it.

She will soon learn.

Petalflowers · 28/02/2019 15:02

If you are already in the habit of replacing thepingswhen she wants something new, then you have made a rod for your own back. She has already learnt that mummy will buy her a new pair of trainers/lunch box/Mercedes because she fancies a new one.

If she wants a new skirt or whatever, then just day no, and point her in the direction of the one she already has. If she sulks, then let her, or then mention shecan buy it herself.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 28/02/2019 15:02

YANBU. I probably could afford to replace that stuff on a whim but I don't, it's wasteful. Last year my DDs asked for summer dresses and then later in the term both wanted shorts. I said no, they could have shorts this year instead. If there's a good reason then I might replace it (e.g. DD1 has a winter coat that is far too hot and wasn't really a good choice, I'm going to buy her a thinner one as well for spring).