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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it mean to make DD (11yo) buy her own stuff?

115 replies

InconsistentlyFestive · 28/02/2019 07:31

Very quick post as I need to dash to work and likely won't see responses until hometime, sorry!

Just had a bit of an argument with DD.

We're not 'well off'. Have about £50 'leftover' each week for non-essentials which I save for things through the year such as presents or days out in the summer.

Dd has lost about 4 lunchboxes this year. This morning she got upset saying she cannot bear her current lunchbox another day and wants a new design (she LOVED this one three weeks ago). She assures me no one is picking on her about it but she just hates it herself as it's 'too orange'.

She also wants me to buy her new school skirts, cardigans and a school bag because she no longer likes the style of them (again - these are all items she selected and LOVED at the start of the summer).

AIBU to start telling her that I will only buy her what's needed for school at the start of each year/through the year if things necessarily need replaced? If she then loses things or changes her mind about liking them, she has to use her own savings (gift money etc.)?

She's also doing this with non-school stuff. She wants me to buy her new trainers because she doesn't like her black ones anymore (they're Nike ones so it's nothing to do with branding/trying to fit in with peers - purely their colour!). Again, AIBU to tell her I will buy her shoes when needed (a few times through the year when her feet grow) but if she changes her mind and wants ones of the same size but a different style, she needs to buy these herself? Likewise, with coats, clothes etc?

I understand she's at an age where she's trying to fit in and trying to find her 'identity' through clothes so will change her mind a lot, but I feel I need to set a precedent not before she starts her teen years/secondary and this expectation becomes worse!

OP posts:
MRex · 28/02/2019 08:31

My Mum used to give us a separate underwear allowance and a separate clothes allowance: she'd come with us but we could decide what to buy. If you do that from the next "necessary" purchase then it sounds good.

I think 11 is old enough to understand financial realities and that there is a need to budget. After rent & bills we have £a left; food is £b, for all of us clothes and shoes comes to £c, toiletries and cleaning products £d, leaving £50/week to go out / get presents / pay for emergencies. The trainers are £35 and lunchbox £15, we simply can't afford you taking a full week of the family budget when your other trainers are ok.

cakecakecheese · 28/02/2019 08:42

Definitely not unreasonable. If you keep buying her stuff because she goes off what she's already got then she'll be asking for stuff all the time and even if you could afford it that's very wasteful. Next time she gets bought something you need to emphasise that she needs to be sure as she won't be getting a new one if she goes off it.

Lovemusic33 · 28/02/2019 08:54

I only buy stuff they need, if there’s something they want then they use their own money, if they wanted something just because they didn’t like what they already had then I won’t be buying it. YNBU

Cedar03 · 28/02/2019 08:57

DD is 11. She understands that we can't afford to replace things on a whim and that they have to last. If she wanted to buy a new sandwich box I would make her pay for it out of her own money. To be honest, if she'd already lost 4 this school year I would have made her do that anyway. After all, what you don't want is for her to deliberately lose the one that she no longer likes the colour so that you have to replace it. So I would be saying no more lunch boxes this year - if it goes you replace it.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 28/02/2019 08:57

If you say you will replace it if it's stolen or damaged though things will mysteriously get stolen and damaged.
Let her have responsibility financially and it will all suddenly have a different complexion on it.

A friend of mine realised her son was deliberately breaking his phone each time there was an upgrade. She stopped replacing/upgrading and he had to go without a phone. It caused WW3 in their house as he is beyond an entitled brat but she decided enough was enough. Strangely, once he had paid for his own phone it remained intact for much longer than previously.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/02/2019 08:59

11 is well old enough IMO to understand that money is not elastic, and they can't have everything they want, when they want it. You don't want her to end up like a friend of a dd, gaily racking up a load of cc debt and expecting parents to bail her out.

I was aware from a much younger age that money was tight and it was no use whining that I wanted this or that. I was aware enough not to ask for non essentials in the first place, so it was even more welcome if they occasionally appeared.

As for the nth lunch box, if she pays for the next out of her own money, it might teach her to be less careless with her things.

Baxdream · 28/02/2019 09:02

Definitely agree with you! This is the main reason we started doing pocket Monday so they can understand the value of money.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 28/02/2019 09:04

Agree with cedar maybe a lunch zip top bag might be given instead of a lunchbox?
I wanted everything I saw at that age. I knew my family were on a small budget though so had to suck it up. I'm old now but still remember a hard core of items that I was desperate for. I Googled those items recently as, although they are vintage, they are mostly still available. I wallowed in nostalgia for a bit but it would be clutter if I bought them now.
I don't think you should tell DD the detail of the household budget as it would be a stress she should not have and 11yo imaginations can add layers to the point it turns into, 'We can't afford to eat next week' but generations have got by on "Money doesn't grow on trees".

Ghanagirl · 28/02/2019 09:06

We are reasonably comfortable but I certainly wouldn’t do as your daughter wants.
DS often wants to upgrade his clothes at whim but he knows that he has save birthday or Christmas money.

lau888 · 28/02/2019 09:09

If she has access to birthday money and/or pocket money, it is perfectly reasonable for her to buy "wants" and you to only buy "needs". I would not replace clothes and school supplies that still fit and are perfectly usable. x

BlueSkiesLies · 28/02/2019 09:10

Yes and no.

I remember coming home from school in Y7 and crying because I didn't have anything cool to wear to a party at the weekend My dad took me to the shopping center and bought me some Adidas 3 stripe trackys and a Nike jumper and tshirt.

Really made a big difference to my life having those to wear! Wore them to death and absolutely loved them.

FinallyHere · 28/02/2019 09:11

Goodness , I'm wondering why you are giving any headspace at all to considering replacing things that are perfectly functional but she would 'like' to upgrade?

Is it just a bit of guilt at not being able to afford to ... spoil her completely?

It would really not be s good idea to pander to get like this. Be glad

wishingforalotterywin · 28/02/2019 09:11

Are you sure no one's making snider comments to her?

wishingforalotterywin · 28/02/2019 09:11

Snidey

TheViceOfReason · 28/02/2019 09:17

The lesson for both of you is not to buy fashionable stuff. Plain skirts / shirts / cardigans. Plain lunchbox etc.

If she then WANTS something specific, she can save for it.

supersop60 · 28/02/2019 09:17

No, not mean at all. When our DC were younger and we were pretty broke, we would buy them everything they really needed, and we saved up for things they wanted. They loved their birthday and Christmas money so they could treat themselves.
Stick to your guns OP.

reluctantbrit · 28/02/2019 09:18

We replace lost/broken items once. I may replace it again with a basic version a second time if it was something DD could not have prevented.

Wants have to be paid by pocket money or she needs to wait until I am in the mood for a treat or the replacement becomes a need not a want.

In a couple of years she will get a larger allowance for clothing etc but with only 11 she is still a bit young for that. She is learning, so I see progress making sensible decisions.

My sister has three girls, when they started wanting branded stuff she gave them the money she would have spend on items and the girls had to come up with the difference. That worked well learning the value of money and saving and priorities.

JacquesHammer · 28/02/2019 09:21

YWNBU to suggest she uses her money to buy “wants”. We buy necessities, DD uses her pocket money for more frivolous stuff if she chooses (although she rarely does, she’s a saver).

I don’t agree with the concept of earning money for chores though.

Lamentations · 28/02/2019 09:22

BlueSkies it sounds as though you loved and appreciated those clothes precisely because your every whim wasn't catered to the rest of the time.

diddl · 28/02/2019 09:22

I also wondered about bullying or feeling an outsider if others have different styles.

That said-how much choice of skirts/cardigans(??!!) is there for school uniform?

ginghamtablecloths · 28/02/2019 09:23

She is careless, isn't she? If you make her buy her own stuff then perhaps she will learn the value of money and take more care. At at her age she wants to fit in with her friends. Remind her that 'things' don't make you happy - though I doubt that as an impressionable youngster she will believe you.

ravenmum · 28/02/2019 09:26

I would wonder why she's suddenly ashamed of her clothes. Is she being bullied in school, for instance. May need a chat?

StoppinBy · 28/02/2019 09:26

Not unreasonable at all and I bet any money she will quickly change her tune once she realises she needs to pay for these non essentials herself. Sorry to say it but it sound to me like you, as in both of you, have been pandering to this behaviour for a long time.

NewFoneWhoDis · 28/02/2019 09:30

Like reluctantbrit, lunchboxes get replaced once with a basic version.

When I was growing up the pressure for branded stuff was just beginning. So mum and dad would either give the basic amount they would normally spend on shoes to me and I'd top it up with my own money, or if it was something extra, if they saw me saving and doing extra babysitting or other odd jobs to earn, they would meet me half way with the cost. But only if I was doing what I could to earn half of the cost of the thing.

So those might work with your DD.

winsinbin · 28/02/2019 09:36

I think it’s an excellent idea OP. It’s never to early to learn to manage money.

When my DC were a similar age they used to pester me for expensive brand toiletries /hair accessories/clothes/presents for parties etc. We switched to a system where they got a reasonably generous allowance to cover everything but school uniform, underwear and meals. All non essentials they paid for themselves from their allowances. After a couple of months of splurging and then running short before the end of the month their priorities changed very quickly. Suddenly they were fine with generic shampoo and tights from Primark as economising on those things meant they had money left for treats and outings.