AIBU to not take husband back

[flowerpoweritmustbe]

I’ve recently (a month ago) left my husband. I think he has narcissist tendencies and eventually I got driven too far and lost myself with trying to ‘help’ him. I’ve forgotten who I am, and I’m trying to get over it. He says he can change, says he’s done a lot of thinking and wants us to try again. We have two kids together, I do still love him but at the same time I’m desparately trying not to go back. I’m going to list some of our issues and if people could be frank with me, I’d be grateful.

• he came up with tests to try and ‘prove’ that I don’t love him; ie, he’d pretend he had fucked his colleague and then told me hadn’t in order to see what my reaction would be. He didn’t tell me for a week. He then monitored my behaviour during this week to see how I acted

• he made stuff up, constantly. He told me loads of crazy, probably not true things in order to boost his image. I don’t want to list it as it’s outing, but a lot of it is far fetched and simply orchestrated in order to make him look special.

• he would threaten to leave me all the time. Say I didn’t love him, etc... just so I’d try and convince him otherwise and he’d get the assurance

• he got funny over tiny things; ie, if I wore makeup when meeting a male colleague, I didn’t love him because I was putting in the elder for the male colleague

• he love bombed me initially. Like, crazily. I didn’t see this at the time as I was young and naive

• a few times he threatened me with revealing things about me if I acted in a certain way

• he made up things my friends HAD NOT said to manipulate me, became stroppy and controlling when we socialised and eventually cut me off from most of my friends

• he had weird ideas about family life, believed I should only need him, wanted me at home with he kids all the time and even found it weird that I wanted to meet my friends for coffee, cause why would I when I have a family? His words, not mine

He said he didn’t mean any of this and now sees it wasn’t normal. Apparently he has changed in 3 weeks

Since we split, he’s tried many tactics- saying I never loved him, threatening to never speak to me again, is still making stuff up that my friends ‘said.’

A part of my wants to believe he can change but I call bull

I am not BU to keep well away am I?!

This is an old thread-I thought there hd been an update.

Run for the hiills and if he needs clarification as to why , just send him the list of utterly bizarre and stupid and controlling things he did listed in your op. Having said that, just the first one about the "tests" is reason enough frankly!

Well done OP for sticking it out three weeks and being able t see his bullshit

It's been 19 years since I was out of my abusive relationshipand even after all these years usually when I see posts like your on MN I think ...shit yes he ysed to do that.

he made up things my friends HAD NOT said to manipulate me At least you realise this...I had years and years of, "your Mum said this, your brother sai this, people I work with have said x" all negative things to make me think that that people didnt like me. After being on my own for a while and getting out and meeting new people it cama as a shock that you know, people actually liked me.

It will get better once your rid of him for good

You don't need to know deep down that he won't change. You need to know he won't change, full stop

This gave me goosebumps reading your list OP. My ExP did all of the above, just trust me when I say they do not change. Everything is about control, and once he's 'won' you back he'll revert straight back. That mentality is ingrained, it doesn't just disappear.

It's been four months since I escaped mine, with the first month inevitably being the hardest. You've already smashed that.

Remember exactly why you left and remember exactly how strong you are. xx

He said he didn’t mean any of this and now sees it wasn’t normal. Apparently he has changed in 3 weeks

Ha ha ha ha!!! What an amazing turnaround, how relieved & grateful you should be to be able to believe his claim!
Funnily enough, my ex (sociopath, Narc) "dried out" in 4 days at a clinic after I started divorce proceedings.

They must both be superheroes. Such a shame they didn;t see the light when it was only their wives who were suffering, isn't it?

@flowerpoweritmustbe - you are not a person to your ex. You are merely a prize to be re-won, a toy nobody else must play with, a thing that must not be allowed autonomy.

You have done so brilliantly to see the light & not just that but find the strength to separate.

A part of my wants to believe he can change but I call bull
Keep calling bull.
See a solicitor.
Start the divorce proceedings.
Do the Freedom Programme.

You will not believe how light, free, & in control of your own choices you are going to feel a year from now. You ALREADY feel a bit lighter now, don't you?

Do not allow him to hoover you back in. Once you have a solicitor you can go NC. It will be easier - much, much easier - for you, it will protect you, & will will give him the clear message that you mean this & there is no going back.

Stay strong. He is a bullshit artist, & you just called bull! xxx

He sounds as if he has a mental problem.
And clearly an attention seeker.
He will never change,he will keeo moving the goal posts.
Your life will be unbearable .
Don't have him back or your back to square one and miserable with it.

Not just a narc, that's full on Borderline Personality Disorder, Op. Run. Run. Run.

You make an excellent point @Fiveredbricks - it does sound like BPD doesn't it?

OP I am not trying to be goady but how can you love him?

@Butterpup, the answers to that & many many other questions cal be found here - www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

He will see the error of his ways for as long as it takes to reel you back in. Once you're back, he will turn back into the arsehole he has been.

I had a guy I was dating 4 months once do this, started off real nice, love bombed but one day he started going on old laptops and sending me pics of his exs vagina tell me he was with her as I worked and couldn't reply 10 mins lol, and I was off like a rocket LOL. Within 5 mins of that text and crazy making behaviour the number was changed he was blocked on all forms of communication online and I was off. never put up with this, they are damaged and not worth the hassle in the slightest. Their love bombing doesn't even begin to make up for the way their cheese has slid off their cracker.

@ShetlandWife. Yes.......why do people suddenly resurrect an old thread. OP hasnt posted on her own thread for 5 months & then out of the blue someone posts something & people start it up all over again.

No proof the OP actually did leave him.

I don't know why people are suddenly equating nasty abusive narc behaviour with borderline personality disorder - they're not the same thing at all!
I think this thread was resurrected specifically to point that out, as it's been said on another thread I'm on at the moment as well.

BPD is not well understood but it's not on to tell people that their nasty abusive narc partners/exes have it
www.yourhealthinmind.org/mental-illnesses-disorders/bpd

@flowerpoweritmustbe, he sounds exhausting. Aren’t you knackered?

Oh, for FUCK’S sake, this is my second zombie of the day!

Whyyyyy do people keep resurrecting old threads??? Aren’t the three fucking TRILLION live ones enough for them??????

Don’t read it then. I pointed out why I replied on this post. I was new a few hours ago & didn’t realise it was a dead thread, I came on here for some support with going through a bad stage with my bpd and just saw post after post demonising us. It was a mistake, get over it

Oh God no don't go back. He is an abusive arsehole.

Wish the OP would come back with an update even though it’s an old thread. I soooo hope she stayed strong and didn’t fall for the git’s entreaties to take him back. Her life will be so much better without him.

He's a fucking psycho. Excuse my language.

He’s absolutely awful. Abusive, manipulative and threatening. There’s NO WAY he’s changed into a new man with none of these character traits due to having a think for a few weeks. He really should see a professional therapist because pretending to have fucked people for a week to get a reaction / not wanting you to have friends is really not normal at all.

A million, billion times over: do not cave in. This is toxic.