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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not take husband back

120 replies

flowerpoweritmustbe · 28/02/2019 00:38

I’ve recently (a month ago) left my husband. I think he has narcissist tendencies and eventually I got driven too far and lost myself with trying to ‘help’ him. I’ve forgotten who I am, and I’m trying to get over it. He says he can change, says he’s done a lot of thinking and wants us to try again. We have two kids together, I do still love him but at the same time I’m desparately trying not to go back. I’m going to list some of our issues and if people could be frank with me, I’d be grateful.

  • he came up with tests to try and ‘prove’ that I don’t love him; ie, he’d pretend he had fucked his colleague and then told me hadn’t in order to see what my reaction would be. He didn’t tell me for a week. He then monitored my behaviour during this week to see how I acted
  • he made stuff up, constantly. He told me loads of crazy, probably not true things in order to boost his image. I don’t want to list it as it’s outing, but a lot of it is far fetched and simply orchestrated in order to make him look special.
  • he would threaten to leave me all the time. Say I didn’t love him, etc... just so I’d try and convince him otherwise and he’d get the assurance
  • he got funny over tiny things; ie, if I wore makeup when meeting a male colleague, I didn’t love him because I was putting in the elder for the male colleague
  • he love bombed me initially. Like, crazily. I didn’t see this at the time as I was young and naive
  • a few times he threatened me with revealing things about me if I acted in a certain way
  • he made up things my friends HAD NOT said to manipulate me, became stroppy and controlling when we socialised and eventually cut me off from most of my friends
  • he had weird ideas about family life, believed I should only need him, wanted me at home with he kids all the time and even found it weird that I wanted to meet my friends for coffee, cause why would I when I have a family? His words, not mine

He said he didn’t mean any of this and now sees it wasn’t normal. Apparently he has changed in 3 weeks

Since we split, he’s tried many tactics- saying I never loved him, threatening to never speak to me again, is still making stuff up that my friends ‘said.’

A part of my wants to believe he can change but I call bull

I am not BU to keep well away am I?!

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerpoweritmustbe · 28/02/2019 12:38

Also butterpup- I don’t think you’re being goady either, hopefully my above reply helps a little. Tbh if someone had told me six years ago I’d put up with so much, I’d have scoffed at them.

OP posts:
cleanasawhistle · 28/02/2019 12:55

OP please do not ever get back with this man ever,no matter what he says....the awful things he has done is the real him......the nice things he does are an act,nobody can keep an act up 24/7.

My first partner was very similar and would beat me on a regular basis.The day I stood up to him and said you know what you have hit me that many times it doesnt hurt anymore.....he turned on our child shouting and smashing toys.

Think 5 years ahead ,would you like to think you would still be with him living this miserable life ?
You dont miss him,you were used to having him around,its a habit you can change for the better.

I wish you all the best xx

Coronapop · 28/02/2019 13:01

He sounds as though he expected real life to be a romantic fairy tale. Honestly what sort of person constantly 'tests' their partner's love, especially within the context of busy family life. But the lies alone should be enough to deter you from even considering letting him back.

capaciousbladder · 28/02/2019 13:13

My MiL has endured 40 years of this shit. She has a miserable retirement ahead of her. Well done for lasting the 3 weeks, I hope your life becomes less unpredictable and much happier. There will be sad times where you miss the charming DH, but I think there's a lot of loving the person they pretended to be/who you wanted them to be and sadly, that person was never real.
Look after yourself

hellsbellsmelons · 28/02/2019 13:35

He's not just a narcissist, he's really abusive.
Never take him back.
Your life will be so much more stress free without him in your living space and 'testing' you (I mean, WTAF?)
Well done on getting away from him - now stay away.

bellabasset · 28/02/2019 13:44

Have you read about Sarah Challen who is currently appealing her conviction for murder to get it downgraded to manslaughter due to coercive behaviour by her dh.

When you read her life with her controlling dh you understand how destructive it is. This appeal was won by her sons with Justice for Women but is backed not only by her family but also her dh's.

Magenta82 · 28/02/2019 15:15

I'm just listening to a podcast on the Sarah Challen case. She was being controlled and abused and one day she snapped, at the time coercive control wasn't recognised, she wasn't physically abused so she was found guilty of murder. But we know more about different types of abuse now and there are more resources out there.

Please stay strong

Magenta82 · 28/02/2019 15:17

*Sally Challen

Hahaha88 · 28/02/2019 15:19

Don't go back. It's not fair on you to live like that. And your children deserve better

bellabasset · 28/02/2019 15:29

She's won her appeal, the first time coercive control will be used as a defence

longtompot · 28/02/2019 15:40

This is what stuck out at me, after reading about his behaviour during your marriage.

He said he didn’t mean any of this and now sees it wasn’t normal. Apparently he has changed in 3 weeks

Since we split, he’s tried many tactics- saying I never loved him, threatening to never speak to me again, is still making stuff up that my friends ‘said.’

He has not changed. He will not change. Be strong. Find yourself again.

thefirst48 · 28/02/2019 15:45

He lied about having an affair to see how you would react, wtf is wrong with this man! OP I am so glad you are finally free and him and his twatness. Please don't ever go back, you deserve so much better! People like him never change!

Lalliella · 28/02/2019 16:34

OP I almost didn’t read beyond your first bullet point because that was enough to make me advise you to never ever take this man back. The rest of it just consolidated that a hundred times over. Please listen to us all. Don’t be taken in by him. His sort will say anything to get his own way. You can’t trust a word he says. Please end it for good.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 16:37

He was a wonderful father to our kids ironically, they ask where he is and that’s what makes me sway

A wise person once said "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother" and "The true measure of a man is how he treats his wife when no one's looking".

He fails miserably on both counts. You are so well rid!!!

DaisyDreaming · 28/02/2019 17:35

If he has gotten to the point he is married with children and still acting like that then he will never change. Your kids will grow up seeing it’s ok to do that and you will slowly fade into a shadow of yourself. Stay strong and stay away

Tobebythesea · 28/02/2019 18:17

Never go back OP.

K4THERINE · 01/08/2019 04:41

First of all, I just want to say I find you amazing for having the strength to leave him in the first place, especially with children. That takes massive guts & self worth. Most people can’t leave through fear of being without that person. I really admire you.

I agree with pretty much everything everyone has said. You’ve done the hardest part, now you need to continue on the same path. I agree with one of the posters, about only using text as communication. Don’t let him get his foot back in the door by talking to him, he’s highly manipulative & good at it by the sounds, don’t give him absolutely any leeway back in to your life. Also you say he’s an amazing father, no. He’s teaching your children that that kind of behaviour is normal & that is the last thing you want them to learn.

I’m just going to finish that a poster put

“It doesn’t matter what he is - narcissistic, BPD, abusive - the end result is the same. You don’t need a label to know that getting back with him would be bad. Very bad.”

BPD is NOT a bad thing. We are not like that crazy bitch from fatal attraction. We have bpd because most of us were tortured mentally & physically as children, and I don’t find it fair you’ve put us into the same category as “narcissistic & abusive” - I am none of those things, and certainly not any of the things that the OP has posted. It just means we are emotional & sometimes unable to cope with those emotions & seek outlets that aren’t good for us. People need to stop demonising bpd. We feel shit enough as it is. Ta

Brain06626 · 01/08/2019 04:48

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/08/2019 05:29

He sounds dreadful.
He's just playing you like a fish on a line at the moment - he let you go for a bit and now he's trying to reel you back in with false promises.
Once he lands you, he'll hit you over the head and gut you again.

Don't have him back, he'll never change.

ShetlandWife · 01/08/2019 05:55

Zombie

Loopytiles · 01/08/2019 06:54

Please do the Freedom Programme and/or get counselling from someone experienced with emotional abuse.

He is NOT a good father - good fathers don’t treat the mother of their DC like that. Anyway, if his DC are a priority for him he can continue to parent DC without being in a relationship with you.

Catsandchardonnay · 01/08/2019 07:32

The first point on your list alone is enough for me to say never ever take him back. He’s a controlling abusive narcissistic weirdo. You are an amazing strong woman, well done for escaping and well done for rescuing your kids from this damaging and dangerous life.

Babdoc · 01/08/2019 07:39

OP, I’d recommend that you cease all contact with him, except via your divorce solicitor.
That way, he has no opportunity to further mess with your head or try to inveigle his way back in to your affections. Narcissists don’t change. They just fake it for long enough to recapture you.

Mix56 · 01/08/2019 07:49

Watch how much he loves you when you tell him it's definitvely over.
All the venom from God's earth will follow, the threats, the court dates. The screwing you over financially & messing with kids contact.
The controlling behviour isn't over, this is the lull before the storm.
see a divorce lawyer who is expert in DV. because untill the DC are 18, you will have to deal with just how much he "loves" you

Sosadinside · 01/08/2019 08:41

So, so much good advice here, flower. Keep this thread and your OP to re-read whenever you feel your resolve wavering.

I have personal experience of this kind of behaviour, learnt by DH direct from his own mother. The longer it goes on, the deeper and more irreparable the damage - and I have to say it’s been a walk in the park for me compared to what that deranged fucker has put you through. He’s dangerous, have no doubt about that, and take heed of what others here have said about the storm you’re almost certainly heading into.

You’ve 100% done the right thing for you and your children. Get some support and stay strong Flowers

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