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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not take husband back

120 replies

flowerpoweritmustbe · 28/02/2019 00:38

I’ve recently (a month ago) left my husband. I think he has narcissist tendencies and eventually I got driven too far and lost myself with trying to ‘help’ him. I’ve forgotten who I am, and I’m trying to get over it. He says he can change, says he’s done a lot of thinking and wants us to try again. We have two kids together, I do still love him but at the same time I’m desparately trying not to go back. I’m going to list some of our issues and if people could be frank with me, I’d be grateful.

  • he came up with tests to try and ‘prove’ that I don’t love him; ie, he’d pretend he had fucked his colleague and then told me hadn’t in order to see what my reaction would be. He didn’t tell me for a week. He then monitored my behaviour during this week to see how I acted
  • he made stuff up, constantly. He told me loads of crazy, probably not true things in order to boost his image. I don’t want to list it as it’s outing, but a lot of it is far fetched and simply orchestrated in order to make him look special.
  • he would threaten to leave me all the time. Say I didn’t love him, etc... just so I’d try and convince him otherwise and he’d get the assurance
  • he got funny over tiny things; ie, if I wore makeup when meeting a male colleague, I didn’t love him because I was putting in the elder for the male colleague
  • he love bombed me initially. Like, crazily. I didn’t see this at the time as I was young and naive
  • a few times he threatened me with revealing things about me if I acted in a certain way
  • he made up things my friends HAD NOT said to manipulate me, became stroppy and controlling when we socialised and eventually cut me off from most of my friends
  • he had weird ideas about family life, believed I should only need him, wanted me at home with he kids all the time and even found it weird that I wanted to meet my friends for coffee, cause why would I when I have a family? His words, not mine

He said he didn’t mean any of this and now sees it wasn’t normal. Apparently he has changed in 3 weeks

Since we split, he’s tried many tactics- saying I never loved him, threatening to never speak to me again, is still making stuff up that my friends ‘said.’

A part of my wants to believe he can change but I call bull

I am not BU to keep well away am I?!

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 28/02/2019 07:25

Jesus wept! He's a total and utter arsehole!

You cannot be with this guy, he will take your health and your sanity from you. His behaviour is more full of red flags than a Chinese communist party rally of the 1970s. Just to be absolutely clear: HE IS A CRUEL, NARCISSISTIC ABUSER. Your reaction to him should be the same as if there were a deadly poisonous snake in the room: RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Magenta82 · 28/02/2019 07:26

I'm sorry for what you went though, it was abusive and unacceptable. You should be so proud of yourself for leaving!

I know things are scary now and you are remembering the good times but please don't go back, he won't change.

Springisallaround · 28/02/2019 07:26

He's only a 'wonderful father' if the children are too young to understand speech! Once they get old enough to overhear snippets of conversation about him threatening to leave you, your 'affairs', and his grandiose lies, they are going to be disturbed and upset. It is better for them not to grow up around this all the time and have you as the safe calm place to come back to, even if they do see him. You can't hide your entire relationship from children!

YouTheCat · 28/02/2019 07:27

Sounds like my exh.

He even made up a woman called Melody that was apparently trying to entice him to sleep with her and getting him round her house through his work (which was utter bollocks). He didn't like that I just used to shrug when he brought her up because I was already not bothered.

He made things up that the midwives had said just after I gave birth to twins and said they couldn't wait to get rid of me.

There were many other such crappy things.

You are well rid. Also, a good father doesn't treat the mother of his kids like he treats you.

Parky04 · 28/02/2019 07:30

He sounds horrendous. Do not take him back. You have done the hard bit by getting rid of him.

labazsisgoingmad · 28/02/2019 07:31

he wont change and hes saying what he thinks you want to hear to weaken you dont fall for it its all bs

Seahorseshoe · 28/02/2019 07:31

No you are well rid, that's not love my friend! You don't want your kids growing up and thinking it is the norm - it is very, very abnormal. He's the type of bloke who will never be happy in any relationship.

You deserve to be happy, we only have one life, don't give yourself, your life, to him. You deserve so much more, you deserve better.

Lovemusic33 · 28/02/2019 07:31

I think it’s normal to go through a stage of considering taking him back, I went through this with my ex and it felt awful but I kept reminding myself how hard it was to end it in the first place (it took years) and I didn’t want to go through that again a few months down the line when he didn’t change (he wouldn’t have changed), so I stuck with it and I’m so glad I did, I feel much happier, the kids are settled and still see him every weekend, they are more relaxed and I no longer have to put up with his behaviour.

Stick with it and don’t go back x

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/02/2019 07:34

Run like the wind.
Also he isn’t a good father to your children if he treats you like this. I imagine they are small now ie suggestable and pliable.
Wait and see, as they become real people in their own right his true colours will show.

SerenDippitty · 28/02/2019 07:35

Please don’t take him back. He has some serious issues.

EvaHarknessRose · 28/02/2019 07:36

You’ve got it right, stay firm, look at the freedom programme, stay single for a bit.

Hopefully he can still be a good father.

Darkstar4855 · 28/02/2019 07:37

I went through a similar thing with my ex.

He hasn’t changed, this is just part of the game. You took the control away from him by leaving and narcissists hate that. He’s now telling you what he thinks you want to hear so that he can get you back under his control again. Don’t fall for it. He will never change.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 28/02/2019 07:37

Wow, OP, I read your list with my mouth open. One of those things should be enough to end a relationship. He's cruel, emotionally abusive - telling you he'd fucked someoen else and seeing what your reaction was?? That's not the action of a normal person. He sounds either very cruel or deranged. Or both.

Remember, that's how abusers stay in relationships: if they were horrible all the time, nobody would stay with them. Them being nice is part of the cycle, to draw you back in and confuse you.

He will NOT have changed! Stick your list on the wall where you can see it, and be grey rock. Do not give in. Don't even listen to him.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 28/02/2019 07:38

And all of what PtahNeith says.

Mouikey · 28/02/2019 07:48

It sounds like his offer to never speak to you again is a good one - I’d bite his hand off for that given the background.

You deserve and are worth more than this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/02/2019 07:53

Classic narcissist behaviour, yes.
Do NOT go back.
He has NOT changed, he's just saying that to lure you back in. Watch out for more lovebombing and equally watch out for it to turn in the blink of an eye to something completely different when he realises he truly has lost. He will turn nasty. Be prepared.

Jaxinthebox · 28/02/2019 07:56

NO! Do not go back, its all BS to get you back, then he will up the ante after a few weeks.

These people do not change. Stay away, far, far away - and stay safe. Once he realises you are gone for good he will start all sorts of nonsense to try to get you back, then turn nasty.

Mrsmadevans · 28/02/2019 07:57

Don't let him back in . He will never change.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 08:01

3 weeks in nothing, Is he getting help with his controlling behaviour?

I’d personally say run for the hills, you only get one life and you don’t need this narcissist controlling you, as if you do take him back it may be hunky dory for a few weeks or even months however a leopard can’t change his spots

barryfromclareisfit · 28/02/2019 08:02

Don’t have him back. He’s a fucked-up weirdo and you don’t need him messing with your head.

PrestonsFlowers · 28/02/2019 08:06

You've left him, that was a good decision and must have taken courage. Please stick with that decision. You can't help him, there is literally nothing you can do to change his behaviour.
He is an abusive arsehole. Don't let your children grow up seeing him treat you like that.
I'm agreeing with all the other posters. Stay strong and don't take him back

poglets · 28/02/2019 08:08

YANBU. It's been 4 weeks. Balance that against all the misery he has called you.

Don't take him back. You can do better.

cakecakecheese · 28/02/2019 08:09

That sounds exhausting. I would echo contacting the Freedom programme, being on the receiving end of such behaviour is very draining and you will need some help to deal with it all. You've done so well to leave him as it's very hard to leave someone who has been eroding your self esteem for a long time. It's natural to have a wobble, particularly when he starts acting all nice but as others have said when that happens look again at your list. He's a master manipulator and this whole 'I've changed' thing is part of that.

Lordamighty · 28/02/2019 08:11

Stay strong OP, that is some seriously weird behaviour from a partner. Spend any more time with him and there will be nothing left of you.

Loopytiles · 28/02/2019 08:13

Wonderful fathers don’t abuse their partners. You did the right thing. Reduce contact with him to focus on practical and parenting matters only.

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