Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not take husband back

120 replies

flowerpoweritmustbe · 28/02/2019 00:38

I’ve recently (a month ago) left my husband. I think he has narcissist tendencies and eventually I got driven too far and lost myself with trying to ‘help’ him. I’ve forgotten who I am, and I’m trying to get over it. He says he can change, says he’s done a lot of thinking and wants us to try again. We have two kids together, I do still love him but at the same time I’m desparately trying not to go back. I’m going to list some of our issues and if people could be frank with me, I’d be grateful.

  • he came up with tests to try and ‘prove’ that I don’t love him; ie, he’d pretend he had fucked his colleague and then told me hadn’t in order to see what my reaction would be. He didn’t tell me for a week. He then monitored my behaviour during this week to see how I acted
  • he made stuff up, constantly. He told me loads of crazy, probably not true things in order to boost his image. I don’t want to list it as it’s outing, but a lot of it is far fetched and simply orchestrated in order to make him look special.
  • he would threaten to leave me all the time. Say I didn’t love him, etc... just so I’d try and convince him otherwise and he’d get the assurance
  • he got funny over tiny things; ie, if I wore makeup when meeting a male colleague, I didn’t love him because I was putting in the elder for the male colleague
  • he love bombed me initially. Like, crazily. I didn’t see this at the time as I was young and naive
  • a few times he threatened me with revealing things about me if I acted in a certain way
  • he made up things my friends HAD NOT said to manipulate me, became stroppy and controlling when we socialised and eventually cut me off from most of my friends
  • he had weird ideas about family life, believed I should only need him, wanted me at home with he kids all the time and even found it weird that I wanted to meet my friends for coffee, cause why would I when I have a family? His words, not mine

He said he didn’t mean any of this and now sees it wasn’t normal. Apparently he has changed in 3 weeks

Since we split, he’s tried many tactics- saying I never loved him, threatening to never speak to me again, is still making stuff up that my friends ‘said.’

A part of my wants to believe he can change but I call bull

I am not BU to keep well away am I?!

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 28/02/2019 08:15

Not just a narc, that's full on Borderline Personality Disorder, Op. Run. Run. Run.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/02/2019 08:15

He’s not a wonderful father, as he’s teaching his kids it’s ok to be abusive to another person. I know you think they might not witness it, but trust me, they do!

You now need to teach them that it’s NOT ok, and that you DONT have to remain in an abusive relationship, by staying the hell away from this man.

PurpleWithRed · 28/02/2019 08:18

The fact you are even having to write this down to get our opinions indicates you need to RUN RUN RUN now.

Well done for escaping!

notapizzaeater · 28/02/2019 08:20

Wow, run fast and don't look back.

GroggyLegs · 28/02/2019 08:20

How have you felt in the few weeks you've been apart? Is it a relief? Is it good to be able to text a friend without worrying or trying to do it in secret? Or do you miss your chats and things you shared together?

How do you feel when he calls/texts? Do you feel anxious about which version if him is going to be on the line? Or do you feel a rush of excitement?

I'd listen hard to your gut.
Id be surprised if it's telling you to go back to the emotionally exhausting circus he created for you.

Piffle11 · 28/02/2019 08:22

Well done for getting yourself away from this man. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. He will never change, and the fact that you ended your relationship would be used time and time again to 'prove' that you don't love him. I was with someone for 5 years who did a lot of the things you mention. I would make excuses for him, I would concentrate on the good stuff in order to try and overlook the bad. He was vile, and I'm actually angry with myself for allowing him to get away with so much for so long. He went overboard with me when we first met, then over time I was supposedly having affairs with random men we passed on the street on our way to work (we worked together), I was flirting with colleagues and clients, I had been cheating on him when we first met (I hadn't). He used to try and get me to admit things I hadn't done - like the supposed affair - and would make my life a misery, goading me, trying to get me to admit it. He told me he had taped my conversations with my friend so I may as well admit what I'd been up to (he hadn't). Told me he would have to find someone else to have sex with as I wouldn't do what he wanted. When I left he told everyone that I'd go back, he was so sure he could get round me. He would ring me, all lovely, then when that didn't work the tears started, then the threats. He lied to colleagues about me, making them feel sorry for him. People like this NEVER CHANGE. You have done the hard part - getting away - now please, for yourself and your DC - stay away.

MadAboutWands · 28/02/2019 08:22

I struggle to go past the very first reason you gave (him giving some ‘tests’ to see your reaction).

He is abusive and will not change.

Instead of going back to him, I would consider counselling to help you find out your own self again.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/02/2019 08:23

This guy is nasty and I’m dory but he isn’t a wonderful father. He’s just a loser.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 28/02/2019 08:26

Imagine how wonderfully peaceful your life will be without all that ridiculous shit in it. As people have said, you don't need your kids witnessing that and thinking it's normal. Let him have his relationship with them separately and live your own life without his toxic presence. Well done for doing this! Thanks

ohfourfoxache · 28/02/2019 08:27

Christ on a bike - no, yanbu at all, do not take this cuntweasel back.

It doesn’t matter what he is - narcissistic, BPD, abusive - the end result is the same. You don’t need a label to know that getting back with him would be bad. Very bad.

Stay strong, you’ve done the hardest part x

altiara · 28/02/2019 08:33

Well done on seeing through him. If I were you I’d run for the hills. You say you still love him BUT because of all these ‘tests’ he does, is he really the person you think you love or ‘test’ personality. I don’t think you can trust a single word he says. I really hope your friends are there for you even though he’s tried to ruin that for you.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 08:37

I’m really not understanding why your not understanding that someone can go to colleague at any age and also at an age where the criteria is that of their age range Confused

ADropofReality · 28/02/2019 08:41

Sorry if this sounds flippant, but if he's all the time telling you you don't love him, why not take him at his word? He doesn't deserve your love.

eddielizzard · 28/02/2019 08:48

Wow he's amazing! He can change completely in just 3 weeks!

Or it's just another tactic to get you to toe the line again. Classic abusers response. Say ANYTHING to get you to submit again. Things will be good for a few weeks and then it'll be back to abusive arse again.

You've done so well to get this far. Don't back down now!

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/02/2019 08:58

I was married to a narcissistic, controlling husband, I know how you feel (although he wasnt as batshit crazy as yours - the 'tests' business freaks me right out). Its exhausting and you walk on eggshells the whole time trying to keep them happy (and failing of course as they are never happy unless in control). I am now happily single but still on medication for anxiety. Well done for making the break, over time you will realise just what he did to you - consider counselling if you can access it. Seeing my GP helped enormously as I have a (mild form) of Post Traumatic Stress now as a result of things and acknowledging that and not feeling bad about myself has really helped. Good luck with everything

amusedbush · 28/02/2019 09:05

He was a wonderful father to our kids ironically

For now. My mother is a narc and as I got older and harder to control she became more and more awful towards me. Now she has little to do with me unless she can take credit in some way for one of my achievements.

Don't go back. It has taken me almost 30 years to realise how my dad enabled my mum's abuse. Stay away from him for your sake and the sake of your kids.

Karigan195 · 28/02/2019 09:08

Wow he’s a touch nuts isn’t he. It’s another tactic. Don’t go back

ginghamtablecloths · 28/02/2019 09:19

I don't know about narcissistic, this man sounds so much worse than that. Don't take him back - he will make your children miserable too. He'll plead of course but men like this do not change. Life will be so much better on your own. For God's sake don't feel sorry for him. Any misery of his is of his own making, don't let him infect you too.

winsinbin · 28/02/2019 09:20

With help (counselling/life coaching etc) and determination it is possible for people to change but it is very hard and they have to be very motivated. If you go back to him before he changes he doesn’t have that motivation.

Follow your instincts here OP. He is a lying bully who is saying what he needs to say to get his own way. If he told you the truth you wouldn’t even consider having him back. You know full well that if you reunite he will continue doing what works for him

And yes, as soon as your children grow old enough to start doubting him and questioning his behaviour he will start on them too.

NotStayingIn · 28/02/2019 09:23

I absolutely without fail believe he has changed. But not in the way you would wish.

You left a narcissist. ‘HOW F’ING DARE YOU!’ is what he is really feeling.

And when you go back, eventually you will have to pay for what you have done to him. He will have be worse.

Stay strong! X

EnglishRose13 · 28/02/2019 09:26

DON'T GO BACK!!!!

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 28/02/2019 09:33

Omg I’m so glad you got out of this.

This is personality and not behaviour that can change. He is just trying another tactic to manipulate and control. He has not changed.

I dont want to scare you but you need additional help to protect yourself. Once he realises his current method is not working he may get nastier, dangerous even.

Contact woman’s aid or similar.

FyiYolo · 28/02/2019 11:03

No! You've done all the work involved in getting rid of him, and i guarantee you will want him gone again if you do, so, why waste the efforts you have taken thus far.

He sounds just so utterly draining.

Butterpup · 28/02/2019 11:12

It always baffles me when someone who has been abused by another person claims that they 'love' them.

OP I am not trying to be goady but how can you love him? Confused

Original poster
flowerpoweritmustbe · 28/02/2019 12:36

@Butterpup

I don’t really love him anymore, not in the same way. At night I miss him, but in the day I realise I am being completely irrational and that there’s nothing to love.

He was charming at first, perfect. My friends and family loved him, everyone told me how lucky I was. Looking back there were some vague warning signs, but I was young, fell in love and things only revealed themselves after we were married.

We went from constant highs to lows. I genuinely thought this man was amazing; I couldn’t see he’d cut me off my friends, I thought I only needed him, I genuinely worshipped him. I believed everything he told me and thought I was lucky to have him. He brainwashed me, almost. I thought I needed him.

It was only recently that I missed my freedom and when things escalated that I realised I had to walk away.

And thank you everyone for your replies. It really does honestly help knowing I’ve down the right thing. I know I’d hate for my kids to be impacted in the future by him- that is a massive point I cannot ignore.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread