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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grabby birthday voucher request

130 replies

GingerSpice84 · 27/02/2019 21:43

Back story: A friend - let’s call her Emma- has a new (and very wealthy-relevant) boyfriend. He has a big birthday coming up and is having a huge party to celebrate. Emma asked my advice for how to word on the invitation that he wants to receive gift vouchers from a specific shop from his guests. I was quite shocked by this as, a) I’m not sure that you openly tell your guests what to buy, and b) the pair of them regularly and unashamedly tell us how wealthy he is.
I did suggest that it might be nicer to let people buy what they wanted but she had various reasons for not wanting this (I.e. he doesn’t drink anything apart from X, he’s already set up in his home etc). She also said that the party was costing X number of thousands of pounds (as if that justifies shamelessly requesting gift vouchers from your guests).
Is it a reasonable request or is it a bit grabby? Wouldn’t it be nicer to say, no presents please (especially as he is absolutely bundled-or so they say).
Happy to be told I’m BU and I’ll trot along to said shop and no doubt massively overspend on the vouchers in an attempt not to look tight.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 28/02/2019 16:07

You've met him three times.

If it's mentioned, I would raise an eyebrow over my top notch champers at the party and drawl 'reeeeallly? You REALLY wanted everyone to bring vouchers for you? Oh. We, um, assumed that that was a joke...'

NoParticularPattern · 28/02/2019 16:11

I don’t think I’ve ever been to an adults party where gifts of any description were requested. I’ve been to a lot that have said “no gifts” or “we request no gifts but if you really would like to give something then a donation to X or Y charity”. Never (other than weddings!) would I expect to be told where to buy a gift from, and even if I would I’d likely refuse to anyway unless I could find something in my usual £10-20 bracket!

SuziQ10 · 28/02/2019 16:17

Absolutely fine to ask for money or vouchers for a wedding, maybe even a christening but an adult birthday party .. no.

Do you like the man, even want to go to his party?

If I was going and had to give a voucher for a birthday pressie I'd give £30 maximum. Approx what I'd spend on a few drinks at a bar on an evening out. That's assuming all drinks will be covered at this party.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 28/02/2019 16:22

YANBU - the only saving grace would be if he wants to put ‘your presence is my present but if you really want to get me something, vouchers from X will be greatly appreciated’.

NanooCov · 28/02/2019 16:37

It's grabby to specify and quite frankly grabby to expect gifts at all.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/02/2019 16:46

Emma asked my advice for how to word on the invitation that he wants to receive gift vouchers from a specific shop from his guests

That sounds pretty odd to me - presumably if he's so successful/wealthy he's capable of working out how to word it himself

Are you sure she's not just putting YOU on notice to get him the "correct thing"?

purpleboy · 28/02/2019 17:02

You could give him one of those fake scratch cards!! Some of them are really convincing (for a little while anyway) CF

BlueMerchant · 28/02/2019 17:31

I think'Emma' is worried her friends may get him something crap too and she doesn't want to feel embarrassed in front of new wealthy boyfriend.

BlueMerchant · 28/02/2019 17:33

It could be why she has asked for 'help' off said friend. Still think boyfriend sounds ungrateful. He must have told Emma he wants the vouchers ideally.

LuckyLou7 · 28/02/2019 18:06

I've never been to an adult's birthday party where gifts were expected let alone requested. A bottle of wine and a card is the usual offering in my friends and family group.

beanaseireann · 28/02/2019 20:14

Really classy nice people put "No presents please, your presence is enough." on their invitations.

BringMeTea · 28/02/2019 20:32

Tacky as.

sighrollseyes · 28/02/2019 20:47

Get 59p card from card factory and write in it that you've made a donation to charity given that he's so loaded and clearly doesn't need anything for his house / life.

mathanxiety · 01/03/2019 06:46

Yes, beanaseireann and then people show up with sets of coasters and other random crazy crap.

beanaseireann · 01/03/2019 20:14

?

Betty777 · 01/03/2019 23:34

How weird?? It's neither a kids party or a wedding, so I don't understand why he thinks he's getting anything for a present, other than a bottle of wine?
Surely only close family/girlfriends need to give presents.

I'm embarrassed for them both. Drink lots at the party :-)

mathanxiety · 02/03/2019 01:12

When you request 'no presents please' people either think you're just being coy or they don't want to be the only guest who arrived empty handed, and they show up with gifts you neither want nor need.

Mrskeats · 02/03/2019 01:19

Get him a massive 30/40/50 badge. One that lights up preferably.
Yanbu op. Tacky as anything.

Inthetropics · 02/03/2019 01:26

I'm with the early posters... it's rude.

PregnantSea · 02/03/2019 01:42

He can ask, I suppose, but that doesn't mean he will get. I would find that cheeky and I'd just turn up with a card and maybe some wine. Or maybe no gift...

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 02/03/2019 07:47

When you request 'no presents please' people either think you're just being coy or they don't want to be the only guest who arrived empty handed, and they show up with gifts you neither want nor need.

Then you ask for donations to charity because God forbid an adult get something they don't want or need! Waaa. The past 4 50th birthday parties I've been to have to have had this and none of them was remotely wealthy.

beanaseireann · 02/03/2019 09:19

Oh.
Thanks Mathsanxiety.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/03/2019 09:32

Just spend what you would have spent on a voucher he wants-just don’t overspend and spend more than you would.

Rezie · 02/03/2019 11:54

I'm yes and no between this. My mum just had her 70th birthday and sent the invite texts to whole extended family. Those who responded that they are coming she expressed that if they are planning on bringing a gift then she would like to have under £10 bottle of prosecco. It was written more eloquently. And everyone was really glad that she had said this. Everyone has a habit of bringing a gift to a birthday party and this way it was something she uses and it was probably cheaper than the flowers or other stuff She had gotten. Also she put down the price so nobodywould bring any expensive champagne. It was not a summons to bring gifts but people tend to do that anyways.

As a general rule I don't really understand why it is totally ok to ask specific gifts for weddings but not other parties. I'm not a fan of asking gifts directly but I also kinda understand doing it since people tend to bring gifts.

Rezie · 02/03/2019 11:56

"Then you ask for donations to charity because God forbid an adult get something they don't want or need!"

I'm my experience people still bring wine or something when people ask for charity donations.

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