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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grabby birthday voucher request

130 replies

GingerSpice84 · 27/02/2019 21:43

Back story: A friend - let’s call her Emma- has a new (and very wealthy-relevant) boyfriend. He has a big birthday coming up and is having a huge party to celebrate. Emma asked my advice for how to word on the invitation that he wants to receive gift vouchers from a specific shop from his guests. I was quite shocked by this as, a) I’m not sure that you openly tell your guests what to buy, and b) the pair of them regularly and unashamedly tell us how wealthy he is.
I did suggest that it might be nicer to let people buy what they wanted but she had various reasons for not wanting this (I.e. he doesn’t drink anything apart from X, he’s already set up in his home etc). She also said that the party was costing X number of thousands of pounds (as if that justifies shamelessly requesting gift vouchers from your guests).
Is it a reasonable request or is it a bit grabby? Wouldn’t it be nicer to say, no presents please (especially as he is absolutely bundled-or so they say).
Happy to be told I’m BU and I’ll trot along to said shop and no doubt massively overspend on the vouchers in an attempt not to look tight.

OP posts:
Pinkbells · 27/02/2019 23:51

It's very rude, I think, asking for vouchers!

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/02/2019 00:31

A party invite from a person you met three times with a cash minimum? No chance

And I would be telling my friend why.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 28/02/2019 00:37

It really wouldn’t bother me and I’d be grateful of having to spend the time and energy thinking of a suitable present when I can just get a voucher and know he’ll be pleased with it.

Nothinglefttochoose · 28/02/2019 02:51

I’d ignore it. My sil and bil asked for money for their wedding which I thought was so rude. They were very wealthy, owned a house already and basically guests were finding their elaborate honeymoon. Total CFs

mathanxiety · 28/02/2019 03:27

YABU.

Why is it considered ok to ask people to spend time wracking their brains over a suitable gift for someone they have only met a few times? Is this what you want? And then will your nose be out of joint if he doesn't exclaim that you have read his mind perfectly when he opens the box that contains some random thing you found in the kitchen section of TKMaxx...
Is it ok for guests to spend money on something the honoree might not want or need, which he will have to either donate to charity or return (assuming a gift receipt is included)?

This sort of gift concept is all about the gift giver and not at all about the receiver.

Lists are very practical, and this one contains one item. Buy a voucher for £20 if you really disapprove of this exercise. There isn't a cash minimum unless the vouchers only come in denominations that are a lot higher than a token amount.

I can't see the relevance of the fact that he is wealthy.

You seem to have lost sight of the fact that you are not the only guest invited to this party and it is likely that the other guests are people who know the man well and will not be put out at all, so your point about not knowing him yourself is irrelevant.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2019 03:30

You are being invited because of your friendship with the GF, not because of any special bond with the BF or any expectations of coughing up £500 in voucher value, so being put out that you don't know the BF well at all is missing an important point.

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2019 03:38

Explain to me the logic of getting someone something they don’t want/ need? I’d rather someone spell out something they wanted rather than them getting stuff they didn’t want.

She could write ‘if you’re going to bring a gift (and you don’t have to) a xxxxxx voucher would be appreciated. However, given how much you dislike these people, why do you care, surely you won’t be going!

IvanaPee · 28/02/2019 04:17

I don’t understand? In what way am I trying to police what other people

Because you know what someone wants but you’re deciding not to get it specifically because you don’t like his/her behaviour.

You’d rather spend money on something they literally don’t want to teach them some sort of lesson. It’s so bizarre.

I think this is a British thing. Here giving cash gifts for weddings (for example) is au fait. Nobody thinks it’s rude, thank Christ. Who purposely goes out to get a gift which is supposed to be for the recipient, and makes sure to spend money on what they don’t want??

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2019 04:22

It’s not a British thing! It’s a passive aggressive illogical thing.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2019 05:07

I think you will find that the two are often synonymous, AgentJohnson.

I come from the land of cash gifts for weddings (and generous cash gifts too) and live in the place where gift registries were invented. The idea of doing something that makes no sense at all from a practical pov at much cost and effort to yourself in order to make some point that may or may not be lost on the target of the ire is baffling.

LellyMcKelly · 28/02/2019 05:17

£10 in an envelope.

Monty27 · 28/02/2019 05:26

I'd be tempted to attend the party. Leave a card somewhere for him and say nothing Wink

AprilSpring · 28/02/2019 05:43

I agree, asking in the invitation is CF business. However putting the word around about what you might like for a significant birthday?- I don’t mind actually, but it does need to be done carefully.
As a gift giver, I’d much rather give something I know the recipient would really like and actually use.

My dd1’s (age 5) best friends mum, sent a Facebook message specifically asking for £3 or £4 in a card to put towards a larger present. My initial reaction was “what a CF” but actually the reality of it was great. It was less money than I’d normally spend on a present, no raiding the present stash last minute and not being really happy with what’s been chosen, and I knew it would put towards something she would actually use and enjoy!

XiCi · 28/02/2019 06:14

It's funny that people are saying it's rude to ask for vouchers then proclaiming they would take a bottle. Why, FFS. The OP has been told he does not drink. Why spend what will at least be a tenner on something completely unwanted and useless to him to make some passive aggressive point when you can just get a voucher so he can buy something he wants. I presume you were going to buy him something anyway OP? So it makes it alot easier to stick a voucher in a card!

Birdsgottafly · 28/02/2019 06:27

"Explain to me the logic of getting someone something they don’t want/ need?"

I'd add to that, the time and thought, to get a gift, especially when you don't know the person, when cash or a voucher is what they want.

You go to a Party/Wedding/Christening. You're going to buy a gift (if you are a decent person). So do what you are supposed to and make it about the receiver, not you.

Or don't go.

We should all be thinking about our shopping habits, now the message has finally got through, that we are destroying our planet.

Whereareyouspot · 28/02/2019 06:32

Awful
And you aren’t even friends with him particularly.

Terrible manners from them and you won’t be the only one cringing. He’s acting about five. I suspect they will get a lot more can’t attend replies than they were expecting.

Tricky for you tho as you plan to go.
I’d say to your friend ‘the vouchers make me really uncomfortable, I’m sorry if you can’t see that but it does, so I’ll be giving him a bottle of wine I already had in mind for him’

Else choosing an amount will be massively awkward.

MaverickSnoopy · 28/02/2019 06:35

Well actually does drink, he just had a particular choice of drink.

The most I have ever taken to an adults party is a bottle of prosecco. If they were a non drinker I would probably get some nice chocolates.

Asking for presents at a party is very grabby, but it's more than that, it's rude. I've always seen present giving at adult birthday parties as more casual than weddings for example. If I received this invitation I would decline or just take chocolates. He can ask all he wants but it doesn't mean he'll get.

How does it work in very wealthy circles though? I'm assuming the same unspoken "rules" apply, or do people make requests and is it is seen as acceptable because they all have wads of cash? Just wondering if he's applying a different set of "rules" to the wrong social circle.

londonrach · 28/02/2019 06:36

A card. He is an adult not a child. If female i might bring a bunch of flowers. Maybe a bottle of wine if that or nothing at all

Margot33 · 28/02/2019 06:37

£10 voucher in a card if you're going to the party. If you're not, then nothing.

Birdsgottafly · 28/02/2019 06:37

" I wouldn’t get a bloke I barely knew a gift voucher."

You're being invited into someone's home. You're being hosted. If you aren't a miserable fucker, you should have a good night.

How much does a night out cost? A £10/20 voucher will be a lot less.

Just because you've got money, it doesn't mean that you buy everything you want.

But like most people, you'd like to have a treat on your Birthday.

"He wants a big overblown party because he’s obviously an ostentatious twit."

Or because he can afford it and that's what his friends would like, as well.

I love it when other people throw parties, the bigger the better, because I can't afford them, but like to go out, occasionally.

The thinking of some posters is either nonsensical or they're nasty twats.

LL83 · 28/02/2019 06:41

I would rather know what to buy so would be pleased if I was a guest.

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/02/2019 06:45

I would rather know too, at least I wouldn’t be buying something that he wouldn’t use.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/02/2019 06:49

I don't have a problem with this. I presume rich people are just as likely to enjoy a birthday present as the rest of us, and just as likely to prefer one they actually want.

Since Emma is asking for advice on wording, that suggests they want to phrase it in a nice way.

If you only wanted (can afford) to chip in a fiver, it all counts.

mondaysaturday · 28/02/2019 07:10

I think asking for a specific thing is ok but it depends on the circumstances. My friend, for example, wanted to get his wife a really once in a lifetime special thing for a milestone birthday and asked if we'd all consider chipping in instead of getting her individual presents, although he stressed that there was no obligation. This to me was fine but it's also the sort of thing that's only really acceptable among close friends. I would maybe gently put it to your friend that while she can hint/request/advise if asked that her partner has a preference for a certain thing, it's probably only appropriate to do this with people who are close to him and who would be planning to get him a "proper" gift anyway.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 28/02/2019 07:15

For adult birthdays I always ask as a guest what would they like. Friends recent 50th as an example, his DW suggesting a gardening voucher when I asked as he had just flattened theirs and was about to start it again afresh.

No way would she have ever put anything about presents on the invite and I’m sure many of the guests who had travelled in didn’t even get a card. It wasn’t expected.