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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grabby birthday voucher request

130 replies

GingerSpice84 · 27/02/2019 21:43

Back story: A friend - let’s call her Emma- has a new (and very wealthy-relevant) boyfriend. He has a big birthday coming up and is having a huge party to celebrate. Emma asked my advice for how to word on the invitation that he wants to receive gift vouchers from a specific shop from his guests. I was quite shocked by this as, a) I’m not sure that you openly tell your guests what to buy, and b) the pair of them regularly and unashamedly tell us how wealthy he is.
I did suggest that it might be nicer to let people buy what they wanted but she had various reasons for not wanting this (I.e. he doesn’t drink anything apart from X, he’s already set up in his home etc). She also said that the party was costing X number of thousands of pounds (as if that justifies shamelessly requesting gift vouchers from your guests).
Is it a reasonable request or is it a bit grabby? Wouldn’t it be nicer to say, no presents please (especially as he is absolutely bundled-or so they say).
Happy to be told I’m BU and I’ll trot along to said shop and no doubt massively overspend on the vouchers in an attempt not to look tight.

OP posts:
Hellohappy · 27/02/2019 22:29

I would make an excuse and not go. Tell them now so they are not relying on you and you won’t feel bad. I wouldn’t get a bloke I barely knew a gift voucher.

janetforpresident · 27/02/2019 22:30

Is she said he only drinks x I would just get x. It's thoughtful as you know he likes it. Either that or nothing.

It's rude

CandleWithHair · 27/02/2019 22:37

What kind of self respecting adult asks for birthday gifts PERIOD? Fucking hell, I stopped that silly bollocks in my teens!

He’s a CF. Go to the party and very pointedly hand him a bottle of £6.99 red from Sainsbury’s. The entitled twonk.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/02/2019 22:37

You’ve met him three times - a card is sufficient.

He wants a big overblown party because he’s obviously an ostentatious twit. You’re doing him a favour by bumping up the numbers if you go.

Lovely card and a big smile. If your friend queries it later just reply, “but...we’ve only met him three times?!” And look astonished.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 27/02/2019 22:38

He, and both of them, are beyond fucking rude and grabby! Just NO. I'd decline. He gets nothing but a card.

JustHereForThePooStories · 27/02/2019 22:45

Get him a charity goat donation thingy.

Leeds2 · 27/02/2019 22:48

Charity present is a fab idea!

Or I wouldn't go, and wouldn't buy anything. She may be your friend, but he isn't.

LifeImplosionImminent · 27/02/2019 22:49

or put a voucher for £1 if possible in a card!

I love this idea! Grin If that's too small an amount - get one for £10 and spend £9 on yourself.

What a twonk!!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2019 22:51

GRabby as fuck.
I'm normally ok with giving people vouchers and money for e.g. wedding presents, as it makes sense to me that most people don't want random household items when they've probably been living together for years and have everything - but I'm not ok with that.

I'd avoid buying him anything as you don't know him that well; or just get him a £20 voucher (or whatever you'd normally spend on a friend's boyfriend who you don't really know that well!)

I'd also caution your friend that such a suggestion might indeed put people off from even coming to the party, which would mean much of the £000s they've spent would be wasted. Unless all the other guests are equally loaded and this is normal for them, of course.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 27/02/2019 22:51

Take a bottle of champagne and a card.If he turns his nose up,drink the champagne.

anniehm · 27/02/2019 22:55

It's grabby, but it's also honest - cheap tat or alcohol you don't drink is a waste of money. The best way to put it in my opinion is to tell guests that there's no need to bring a gift but if they do wish to bring one he would like gift vouchers from x. By phrasing it like this he is likely to get some vouchers from his favourite store and also let those who cannot afford a gift have a reason not to buy token tat. I personally don't expect gifts for birthdays past childhood but would prefer John Lewis vouchers to the well meaning I'm sure gifts I got for my last big birthday!

IvanaPee · 27/02/2019 22:55

I wouldn’t do it personally but I never understand people’s problem with this!

We declined and got him a bottle of something instead.

Why?? Just because you wouldn’t do it, why do you try to police what other people do? I mean, if you’re spending the money anyway why wouldn’t you just get what the person wants?! Baffles me!

But I’ve never thought giving money was rude, or requesting money for weddings either!

SaturdayNext · 27/02/2019 22:58

Much more classy just to ask people not to bring presents at all. Or, at most, to say if they really want to give something they can donate to charity.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/02/2019 23:00

The only way to word it and not look like a grabby tosser is to make it clear that presents are not required or anticipated but if you do want to get him something, he would like these vouchers. Some people want to give a gift that they know the recipient genuinely wants and are therefore quite pleased to be asked for vouchers or suchlike.

TwigTheWonderKid · 27/02/2019 23:00

This is definitely the perfect occasion for a Charity Goat.

BTW, which shop is it?

Fishwifecalling · 27/02/2019 23:01

I must admit this would put me off accepting a party invite. As you say it would be embarrassing asking for a 10 or 20 pounds voucher from an expensive shop and I wouldn't feel like giving more to a relative stranger.

averystrangeweek · 27/02/2019 23:02

If you didn't know about the request for vouchers, how much would you have spent on a present?

E20mom · 27/02/2019 23:02

Please don't buy him a voucher!

HollowTalk · 27/02/2019 23:09

How old is this bloke that he's bothered about birthday presents, ffs?

StoppinBy · 27/02/2019 23:13

I love it when people say what they want, I wouldn't spend a lot on the voucher but I could pop in and grab and be done with it, otherwise I would spend a lot of time trying to come up with something the person would like.

If he gets lots of little vouchers for one place he can combine them, lots of little vouchers for different places is not so great.

wombatsears · 27/02/2019 23:17

Why?? Just because you wouldn’t do it, why do you try to police what other people do?

I don’t understand? In what way am I trying to police what other people

if you’re spending the money anyway why wouldn’t you just get what the person wants?!
Because it’s rude to a) presume that you will receive a gift and b) tell people what to buy you!

HazelBite · 27/02/2019 23:18

Very strange behaviour for an adult!
Usually invitations go out with a request for no presents past your childhood.
I used to be the manager of a china and crystal dept in a Department store so used to get gift lists for weddings. One couple came in with a gift list as they were having a party for their silver wedding and wanted their guests to purchase (between them) a luxury dinner service.
From the list a total of two side plates were purchased!! I always wondered how their party went?

nanny2012nanny · 27/02/2019 23:19

Can’t polish a turd!
Money does not buy class.

radishingravish · 27/02/2019 23:20

YANBU it is very grabby. Adults should generally not expect presents for their birthdays except from their closest friends and family. The only time I think it is acceptable to say anything is to say 'I am not asking for anything for my birthday, however if you decide you want to get something please could you donate to insert charity of choice here'. Otherwise just let your guests decide whether they want to get you a gift or not, and from where.

Whoops75 · 27/02/2019 23:24

When my wealthy friend turned 50 he asked for no presents just your presence.

I would 100% ignore the request and bring bad wine.

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