To resent how long my OH spends on poo-time?

[Motherbemused]

Honestly, I can have the dishwasher emptied and restacked, kitchen cleaned, a wash on, and most of the living area tidied in the time it takes my OH to emerge from the toilet of a Saturday* morning.

Should I consider this time a 'me-time' privilege that must remain sacred, and accept it (bearing in mind we have a 4 month old, and a house to clean; I don't require extra time for Number 2's), or say something?

*Extra time only used at weekends - he doesn't have it during working week on account of getting up at last possible moment.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who gets really stroppy with their DH about this. 20 minutes twice a day, pre shower in the morning and during or immediately post dinner in the evening- just when the toddler needs bathing and the baby is grouching for a feed. Rather depressingly the toddler seems to be developing very much the same schedule. I absolutely get the rage about it regularly and he gets cross back because he apparently can’t help it. I do occasionally send the toddler in with him in the morning if I really can’t be dealing with him for whatever reason and it doesn’t speed things up so I do think it’s genuine, it’s just the timing that drives me mental. Surely a healthy adult has enough control to cope for an extra half hour or so to get time critical jobs done.

At my brother’s house, he has books on the floor near the pan. I’ve never asked about them but they change periodically. It’s disgusting. God knows how long he spends in there.

It's not just at home....we go to a lot of festivals and the morning queues for portaloos are worsened by the guys who spend 20 mins to half an hour in there. I can't think that anyone would choose to spend that long stuck in a box full of other peoples excrement though.

My ex used to do this - always took his phone in too. I couldn’t believe how long he used to spend in there - turns out for most of the time he was having a wank 🙄

@Fuppy, you need this

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My DP is the same, can easily spend 20 minutes in there, and if his brother comes to stay, he spends even longer, which is beyond rude in my view in somebody else's house!

I decided to “join ‘em” a long time ago. Often treat myself to 20 minutes in the bathroom. Usually only the first 45 seconds are actually required, the rest is spent on my phone/reading a book.

@OrigamiZoo thanks!

Mine used to get up 45 mins earlier than he needed to allow for poo time on a working day. Sharing hotel rooms with him is a nightmare if I wake up bursting for a wee (normal for me). I have to hold it for up to 40 mins if he's beat me to the loo.

However, since New Year, he has gone low carb and life has changed. He sleeps in much later and doesn't disappear for 40 min shits 3 times a day. In fact... he's just gone in there now so I'm timing this one...

Is this just another example of male entitlement? It simply does not occur to them that anything other than them having a leisurely dump and some uninterrupted me time is important or even exists?

I have to hold it for up to 40 mins if he's beat me to the loo

I'm now very grateful that my DP seems to manage to do his morning shits in about 5 minutes, but we don't have DC to hide from.

If I had to cope with a 40 minute wait, well I couldn't and I wouldn't even try. I would have to barge in there and piss in the bath if he hogged the only available toilet in that way.

I'm glad I'm not the only one baffled by this use of time.

I think fundamentally this is more about our attitudes to switching off. I am not able to shut myself away for 30 minutes from DC or what needs done in the house. The only 'me-time' that currently comes without conscience is when I'm asleep. And that's because I'm unconscious. I'll even brush my teeth while showering to save time away from DC.

I don't wish to make this a gender issue, but is it nearly always the case that there is always one parent who is like this? My OH is a committed dad and supportive partner, who would probably not resent me taking 30 minutes to have a poo, or even a day out away from the baby. But I don't think I would enjoy it in the same way he could, on account of the female/parent guilt and worry.

I have a few friends who like to complain about OHs who can merrily skip out for the day, leaving them holding the baby/children. I think perhaps they don't really resent that their partners do it, only that they can.

I feel your pain. My DH is similar, which I wouldn’t mind nearly as much if his evacuations didn’t regularly coincide with me saying ‘dinner’s ready’.

I give plenty of warning (son with ASD), so he’s always had at least ten minutes, often more to sort himself out, but the ‘dinner’s on the table’ announcement is obviously triggering some peristaltic process deep in his bowels.

Do I start without him, setting a bad example for the DC, wait impatiently while holding back slavering six-year-olds, or dump his food in the bin?

… and he's just flushed. I make that a mere 6 mins! Before the low carbing, he'd have been at least 20, along with explosive fart noises.

Oh, but to answer your last question, OP, I happily skip off for a run or hide for a nap, leaving DH in charge. He’s just as good a parent as me, except for spending hours in the loo.

I don't think it is about shirking responsibilities. My DS started taking ages once he reached adulthood (I don't recall him taking so long as a kid). He had no responsibilities to "escape". I remember being on a day out with him once and having to wait a good 20 minutes as he needed the loo. I did ask him why it takes him so long, as me and DD are in and out in minutes! He said it just feels like there's more to come out and he has to wait until it comes! I don't know if there is some physical reason for it and maybe men can "train" themselves to go quicker. But I don't think it is necessarily just an excuse.

"Is this just another example of male entitlement?"

In most cases, yes. There will be some whatabouttery posters who will mention all kinds of rare diseases at this point, which of course are a special case. But in most cases, it's just opting out.

DH used to do this. Then we moved to a system where we each have defined jobs in the morning. I refused to do everything, he suddenly found that the dishwasher did not magically unstack itself and a long poo made him late for work. So he stopped.

"Do I start without him, setting a bad example for the DC, wait impatiently while holding back slavering six-year-olds, or dump his food in the bin?"

I vote bin. When someone has cooked for you, and given you a 10 minute warning that you've ignored (and probably several others), it's inconsiderate rudeness not to be sitting down when dinner is served. It's not hard to be at the table on time, he's just not prioritising it.

My dh doesn’t! I do sometimes, but only post babies because turns out pushing out those babies causes a few other problems. It should be a lot better soon, my baby is still a baby and I’m breastfeeding.

My DH doesn't take particularly long doing his poos, but it is always at inconvenient times, such as when we're just about to go out. I think it's a psychosomatic response.

Mu husband usually goes for his long poos after breakfast and it's a right pain, I usually haven't had time to wee yet and my 3 yo needs washed and ready for nursery. I used to leave him to it but when our toddler once announced she'd have to go have an outside wee I made it clear to him it's not fair to make the kids wait more then a few minutes

My husband waits until we're going out. I will rush around like a mad person getting everyone ready, making sure there's drinks and snacks and nappies (for the baby, not for DH!) ready, get both DC in the car, make sure they have toys etc. He will be washing up the breakfast stuff or something, so not doing nothing. Then, with about 2 minutes to go, he will go to the loo and..... we wait. Both kids in the car, moaning that it's cold, or the seatbelt is too tight or whatever. They drop their toys, they scream that they want the toy the other one has. They want their snacks before we've even locked the house up. While DH is merrily sitting on the loo reading some crap on his phone. We are then always late for whatever it is we're going to.

Unless it's something HE needs to be at. And then it's rush rush rush and woe betide me/the kids if we haven't had time to brush our teeth or finish breakfast. "I said we are leaving at 10am and it is 10am and I am pulling off the drive now!" I have often had to leap into the car, sometimes with a child in tow, with no shoes on. God forbid he is late for anything but me/the kids - who cares?

Gives me the rage. We've had words, he doesn't seem to know he does it. He needs to go, he goes. Bah.

DH doesn't do this, nor does DF or DB. It's definitely a learned behaviour and is therefore optional unless there's a genuine constipation issue in which case see a bloody doctor.

I just asked DSis (doctor) if there are muscle differences between men and women in the bum area, she confirmed that there are not, and that men are just as able to push as women!

DH just confirmed that he doesn't push! I wish I never asked now.

My husband does take a long time but doesn't do it to get out of doing jobs. My adult son takes ages too. Thankfully we have two toilets.

A luxurious shit, what a great phrase! My dh doesn't do this thank God, he has plenty of other annoying habits mind. Op he has you well trained, running around doing all the work while he relaxes in the loo. As pp said, sit down and wait for him and do the chores together.

JayoftheRed next time he does it tell everyone loudly why you are late.

Well I must have female entitlement- I read and use phone on loo, I hasten to add I don’t actually phone anyone. All my family do this, my granny had loads of copies of vogue and grandpa had the field in the loo while I was growing up