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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DSD being groomed, AIBU to get involved?

128 replies

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 25/02/2019 18:17

A wee bit of background. DSD is 15, I’m married to her dad and been with him for 5years, I wasn’t the OW, he split with DSDs mum two years before we met. I don’t have the closest relationship to her, it’s got better over recent years but we’re close.

She’s on Instagram with an open profile. She posts some pics that leave little to the imagination, shots of her just in bra and pants, up her skirt, lots of tongue and wet lips, you get the idea. Her dad is aware and has told her he doesn’t like it.

Anyway recently there’s been lots of comments from one younger man. He has a closed profile and I have a gut feeling he’s much older. Just from what he says and how he comments on everything with gushing complements. I’m worried she’s being groomed. She’s ignoring every single internet safety advice.

I’ve told her dad and he’s so Disney he won’t say a word to her!!

What would you do? I’ve tried and tried getting her dad to say something and I don’t have a close enough relationship to be comfortable having the conversation!

OP posts:
NCKitten · 25/02/2019 22:26

And I have already agreed with her on that. My issue is solely with the language she uses!

notahiker · 25/02/2019 22:35

OP. Report it to CEOP

www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/Should-I-make-a-report-to-CEOP-YP/

I am very concerned that safeguarding 'professionals' use the term 'child pornography' to describing indecent images of children.

Rayne23 · 25/02/2019 22:39

On a different note to the OP, maybe try contacting the NSPCC to just ask advice on what you should do. If they can't help, they will usually try and point you towards someone who can.

I think all you can do really, is get either her dad or her mum to have a quick chat with her to just be cautious about who she is talking too or what she ever sends them. I'd also encourage her to make her page private.

Sadly the internet is a really sick world.

MumUnderTheMoon · 25/02/2019 22:59

If your dad is 15 then posting those pictures could get her into legal trouble. Children sending explicit photos could charged with making and distributing child pornography. You dh needs to step up and parent her before this goes too far.

dearohdearohdear9 · 25/02/2019 23:03

Not sure why i didn't think of this earlier, but if dsd is 15 the op needs to understand that the moment she hits 16 the only way anyone in authority will help her escape an abusive situation is if she herself is prepare ask for help. This limits the amount of protection a parent can give a child even when its clear that the child is suffering abuse.

Op you have a window of opportunity with taking this further, the closer you get to dsd 16th the less likely you are to be given help if this turns out to be an abusive situation. A dear friend of mine struggling with this right now, the daughter was targeted the day after her 16th literally. The guy was and still is being investigated for sexual offences but the law doesn't allow the authorities to help.

WowWowWomen · 25/02/2019 23:03

Lot of terrible posting going on here OP, call the NSPCC or childline, get professional help. Act don't wait.

RhymingRabbit · 25/02/2019 23:54

Childline is for children. Please don't phone them because you will stop a child getting through. Call Parentline instead 0808 800 2222.

Lalliella · 26/02/2019 00:28

Report it to her school. They will have a designated safeguarding officer who will know what to do.

PregnantSea · 26/02/2019 01:01

Tell your dp that if he doesn't deal with this properly you will contact her school and the police.

Steeve · 26/02/2019 01:12

What so many people (children and adults ) don't realise that once something is in the internet, even on a private page, it can be I possible to get rid of it. With cacheing and cookies there is always a foot print. You all also get people that take screen grabs or copies of images which get saved onto their devices which makes it impossible to track and get deleted.
*
The internet is a dangerous place and should be treated as such. Posting anything can make you incredibly vulnerable.*

This with bells on. Well done on stepping up OP, please contact the Safeguarding lead at school. The girl needs her father to step up, makes me sick other men are so afraid of rocking the boat, for their children's safety.

Graphista · 26/02/2019 01:20

Wwid? Contact the school and possibly police/SS too.

What she is doing is illegal and dangerous. Those pictures are illegal "sexual images depicting an under 18 year old"

Wtf her parents are thinking in not dealing with this I don't know!

THEY should be taking her phone off her and having a serious word regarding her posting such inappropriate and illegal pictures and the dangers she's making herself vulnerable too.

If it were my dd phone would be gone and she'd be grounded at least a month. Not as punishment necessarily but for her own safety.

I've an 18 yo dd so I'm talking as a parent aware of these issues.

While I was still paying for her phone the rule was I could have it and check it at any time, if I found she was doing anything inappropriate or worse dangerous it would be gone!

In my case never had a problem with that kind of thing but I did discover at one point dd was being bullied and was able to help her with that.

Monitoring phone use is basic good parenting these days and I'm far from a perfect parent.

BOTH this girls parents are failing her.

MiGi777 · 26/02/2019 02:56

No you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself at all. You're trying really hard to get to grips with a very difficult situation. I'm struggling to get past your husband and her mum not having a total freak out and sorting it out straight away. I honestly don't understand that at all. I'm a bit paranoid because I have 3 daughters but I would be so so wary of parents who are happy to let this go. I think the suggestion of calling parent line is a great idea. They'll be able to talk you through the best way to protect her as effectively and as quickly as possible. I really feel for you because this is horrible. Best best wishes. I hope everything is ok.

CommanderDaisy · 26/02/2019 04:23

Not for the OP - she rocks and her DSD should thank her enormously.

This is for the pearl clutches amongst you that object so strongly to the term child pornography.
Down here in the colonies ( Australia) the term child pornography is interchangeable with indecent image in one state, child abuse material in another state, depraved image in another state and so on.

Not all our states and legislatures have altered the wordings of the law to 'child abuse material", so yes the words child pornography appear in our legislation. As they do in a number of Parliamentary reports and judicial reviews. Heck - some even roll with definitions of child pornography - imagine that!

I saw fit to comment as the baseline legislation is the same here federally as it is in the UK.
Production, distribution, making of indecent images is illegal for anyone under 18. The UK has teens on the sex offender registry for doing just that, as do we in Australia.
While police tend to act with discretion in most of these matters, not all of them do.WE have had a case here where a teen was in the same circumstance as the OP described and she was arrested and had a warning placed on file - nothing for the dudes encouraging her.

Furthermore, I have attended conferences with UK professionals in this area and they aren't hung up on the language - they are more interested in results.

There is a contextual difference between informing a parent that their child is producing child abuse material or child pornography.

Furthermore, I have not stated I am a safeguarding officer at any point, for those so , so , so concerned - I have passed a working with children check - and am fairly sure the world will not end with me continuing in the job I currently do.

While @NCKitten is accurate in stating that no one can consent legally under the age of 18 the child is not , as yet- being forced to do what she is. NC is wrong in saying that the child is not putting herself at risk. She is both putting herself at risk ( following along from the OP's statement that she is wilfully ignoring internet safety recommendations) and at risk of child sexploitation as a result of the material she is posting.

Completely abjuring a child from responsibility is not helpful, though almost 95% of the blame sits with her parents for inadequate parenting and supervision.

Most teenagers can run rings around their parents with social media. I spend my days taking apart social media accounts and finding breaches of security and material that will cause legal issues for schools and their students so wanking on smugly about my language use has really irritated me. Teen social media use is an out of control social experiment, and the effect it is having on the mental health of the young is beyond worrying. The law is so far behind the game it is not even vaguely funny, so hearing quibbles about word usage strikes me as about as useful as the Paris Climate change agreement.
I could care less about the words I use , if it will stop a teenager destroying their digital footprint for life or opening themselves up to predators through the stupidity of themselves and their parents.

I'm done.

Graphista · 26/02/2019 05:27

Could not disagree more commanderdaisy

The language we use affects how we think about things - there is much long term and extensive study & evidence of this. It shapes whole cultures.

And I personally think it's especially important with this type of thing. Pornography implies some level of consent and minimises the danger - potential and actual to children - caused by such images.

Until we (and I mean globally societally) change our language and attitudes we won't succeed in seriously reducing the harm being done.

Language matters, and it especially matters where people need to understand/appreciate the seriousness of an issue.

It's why sensible people choose their words carefully and why politicians and legislators word their documents in a particular way.

I'd be very interested to see the stats on child sexual exploitation incidents & prevention in the different states in Australia with laws worded differently. I think it would be very informative. It wouldn't be the whole story of course but I certainly think it's one factor that could be influencing policing of such matters.

BridlingtonSand · 26/02/2019 05:30

It’s opinions, and the doubling down, of people like Daisy that nurture the conditions for situations like Rotherham.

sashh · 26/02/2019 05:56

Really? Are they classed as child porn? She has her underwear on although they are very suggestive.

Yes and she is making and distributing them so she could be arrested.

Childline and NSPCC will give you advice and please contact the school, they will have a safeguarding officer.

I'd be interested to see any law that still uses the "child pornography" terminology, that is shocking!

Within the last few years I have seen a letter from the police in which that phrase is used more than once and in capitals. I'm sorry I can't give details of how and why I saw this.

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 26/02/2019 06:28

I reported the images to Instagram and have just heard back from them that they don’t breach their guidelines!! The image showed my DSD in just her bra pushing her boobs together to get maximum cleavage with her tongue out! What more do they want? There is no appeal function. I will report to the school today.

OP posts:
notahiker · 26/02/2019 06:57

If a safeguarding professional in the Uk used the term 'child porn' to describe indecent images of children they would and should be advised not to.

All meetings that I have regards this do not use the term.

It may be interchangeable in other countries but in uk it is a term that is frowned upon.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 26/02/2019 07:06

Absolutely tellher school. They'll have a process in place.

notahiker · 26/02/2019 07:14

OP. Hope it goes ok at school. Thanks

NCKitten · 26/02/2019 07:50

Aaaaand I'm out. Bloody unbelievable @CommanderDaisy!!!

NCKitten · 26/02/2019 07:53

And I meant your views, not the situation in Oz (talk about dripfeeding!)

MumUnderTheMoon · 26/02/2019 08:09

Did you specifically tell Instagram that she is a child. They have to remove posts that violate terms and conditions based on laws in specific jurisdictions. You could try and point out that it is a highly sexualised image of a child.