Is DSD being groomed, AIBU to get involved?

[Thewheelsonthebusgoround]

A wee bit of background. DSD is 15, I’m married to her dad and been with him for 5years, I wasn’t the OW, he split with DSDs mum two years before we met. I don’t have the closest relationship to her, it’s got better over recent years but we’re close.

She’s on Instagram with an open profile. She posts some pics that leave little to the imagination, shots of her just in bra and pants, up her skirt, lots of tongue and wet lips, you get the idea. Her dad is aware and has told her he doesn’t like it.

Anyway recently there’s been lots of comments from one younger man. He has a closed profile and I have a gut feeling he’s much older. Just from what he says and how he comments on everything with gushing complements. I’m worried she’s being groomed. She’s ignoring every single internet safety advice.

I’ve told her dad and he’s so Disney he won’t say a word to her!!

What would you do? I’ve tried and tried getting her dad to say something and I don’t have a close enough relationship to be comfortable having the conversation!

what is it with these girls??

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Fucked up attitudes like this and yours op with your "she knows what she is doing" is why hundreds and thousands of girls in this country were and are groomed and raped because the adults in their lives blamed them and turned a blind eye.

Sort yourself the fuck out with your toxic attitude. The girls in Rochdale were told the same kind of shit you've posted on here.

She is a child. She has no idea what she is doing and she should be protected.

Surely speaking to mum and showing DH, is the best way forward... school is not a substitute for parents!

I couldn’t be with your DH. He’d rather allow his 15yo daughter to put herself at risk than risk rocking the boat with her/her mother?! WHAT a fucking idiot.

RING, do not text, her Mum. TALK to her & see what she says. If she says she knows & to mind your own, or just tells you to fuck off, then you should escalate it and her school is probably the best way to do that.

I imagine it’ll cause a HUGE problem in your marriage, but someone has to look out for this kid.

I spoke to Action for Children and NSPCC, when I had these worries about dd. They gave me useful information about all the "pre" things that get a girl into a situation like this. Self esteem issues and so on. Many if which dd2 has. She developed an online friendship with another "girl" which started to become worrisome. Fortunately, dd1 hasn't posted pics of herself, her fig but not herself. I spoke at length to her about it and my worries and she volunteered to show me stuff that she posts. It was all about her feelings about the collapse of my marriage and the ensuing bitterness.

But that doesn't mean I can rest easy. Another girl in her class us going similar stuff to what the OP gas said. dd1 and several friend reported it to the school themselves because they actually felt do uncomfortable with what this girl was doing and saying.

My understanding us that the school confiscated the girls phone and went through it and then passed it on to the police.

It's a horrible place to be OP, your DH needs/must discuss it properly with his X. They both need to come up with a plan to help their DD to navigate this. You'll need to be part if it too, I'm sorry to say.

It feels to me that at some point this girl has been "sexualised" previously by someone and by internet content on Instagram/YouTube.

I feel that you'll be in for a difficult time. Dd1 us currently being bullied by the girl she and her friends reported for grassing her up. Interestingly I've noted from what dd1 says that this girl used the same language that an abuser/manipulator would use.

And as a disclaimer for transparency purposes I'm a single dad with full custody of 2 dds.

In fairness to the Op at least she is aware of the girls instagram posts. There are many posters on MN who consider it a breach of a child’s privacy to check phones/tablets/social media interactions.
And many more who can’t be bothered checking because they trust their children to follow the rules .

Well done for doing something about this OP.

Her dad needs a kick up the arse.

Do you have a school police officer? Ours covers 3 secondary schools. He hosts evenings re internet safety. He is 100 percent for the kids. And says 90 percent of his time is spent dealing with stuff like this.

I would - and have - gone to him in the past. He is a top bloke. I would definitely go to him over this.

I hope you have an equivalent.

Thank goodness you are looking out for your SD, OP. Her Dad is failing her. Too “Disney”, too lazy, whatever his reasons, he might as well tell the poor child he couldn’t care less what happens to her. That’s the message he’s giving by not enforcing boundaries for her own safety. That he can’t be bothered with her safety.

I would tell him either he speaks to his ex about it immediately so they can tackle their daughter together OR you will speak to his ex yourself. Report to CEOP if you can and report to Instagram. Don’t set up a fake profile yourself, however tempting that might seem. Speak to your SD’s school too.

Even if she’s not being groomed, posting like this aged 15 is inappropriate and dangerous.

FFS my fucking phones autocorrect

Fortunately, dd1 hasn't posted pics of herself, her fig but not herself.

fig should be DOG

just that DOG, she posts loads of pics of her dog

I can't even get over her own father not getting involved in this 😳 and I would not be with him if he couldn't be arsed to protect his daughter

She is a child. She has no idea what she is doing and she should be protected.

Absolutely she should be but Unless her profile states that she is 15 how would the person commenting know that she wasn’t say 16, 17, 18. Genuine question.

There is no such thing as child pornography.

Pornography implies consent.

The correct term is CHILD SEX ABUSE IMAGES.

Language matters.

Her dad needs to stop being such a pushover and start protecting his daughter.
Why is he allowing this?

sasparilla1 Jesus how horrible for all of you, thankfully you were smart enough to notice sneaky behaviour before he manipulated her further.
It the DC who are vulnerable without support I really feel for.

My circumstances were slightly different, stepdaughter was in care and I have long split with her father. If i mention Oxford that should give you a clue.

Although I had no idea of the truth - grooming gangs, I was fully aware that something wasn't right with her. So I reported to social services each and every concern I had about little things she told me. The time came when those reports where looked at again and I think used within the case. So please report everything, the time may come when you thank your lucky stars you did. In addition I know that in Oxford there is the kingfisher team who deal with suspected grooming cases. I would hope there is something similar set up in your area. They are people I would call first as at the least they can signpost you to the appropriate help.

Good luck,

dearohdear I hope your SD has been given all the support in the world. How horrendous for you all. I’m from Oxford and follow all the trials really closely. It’s just endless.

Report it an inappropriate and then click he Nudity or Pornography option.

I think all schools have a member of staff responsible for safeguarding issues, probably a senior teacher. If you can't get the message across to your dh and don't feel comfortable contacting her mother, you could ring the school and ask to speak in confidence to the person in charge of safeguarding.

The prob with instagram is you don’t need an ACTUAL email address to set up an account. My dd and her friend created a spoof account and were being contacted by men asking for pictures. I keep a close eye on dd’s smart phone but she had got clever and had been logging out of the extra account so I wouldn’t see it. She forgot to log off once and when I found it I felt sick. Big discussions about why this was so bloody wrong, scared her that she could be found via IP address etc. All accounts deleted but I’m still aware that new accounts could be created without us knowing, it’s just far too easy. My dd is almost 15 so plenty old enough to know better but scary how this could have developed into something much worse.

Don’t know what else to suggest op, that hasn’t already been said.

Instagram is just not suitable for kids as they can be contacted by absolutely anyone from around the world which is beyond scary

i know you have to tread so carefully being a step parent so I don't know whether this is what I would do in the situation but what I want to say to do is "step in!" It doesn't matter whether the relationship is good bad or ugly if this was a 15 year old I barely new on the bus doing this id say something to her.kindly of course but I couldn't leave this.it gets nasty quickly.really quickly and it will ripple and devastate the whole family.please step in.do something now.

Just sit her down and talk her through internet saftey and all that, make sure she actually knows it, she's 15 so I'm sure shes fully aware of what shes doing and is exploring her sexuality, she knows what kind of comments those types of photos are gonna get and she probably wants that type of attention, why not ask her why?

I doubt shes gonna stop without some kind of intervention from her parents (including you) also if thats what shes confident putting up onto a public platform then she might of already sent worse over private ones so regardless you need to talk to her and make sure she's keeping herself safe, not giving out her location or meeting up with people etc unless you're there or something, cus I really doubt she's gonna stop doing it from you just telling her to stop without her understanding why, she'll just make a new account with a new name that you won't know about

Folks, can we stop blaming this girl??? Do not say she knows what she's doing, ask why she is doing it etc - she is under age, too young to give informed consent and too young to fully understand the potential consequences of what she is doing! If she is being groomed, the person doing it will know exactly how to slowly increase their hold over her, it's extremely insidious. Google boiling frog syndrome.

Can we also please be careful with our language? She is not "putting herself at risk" or "sexualising herself" or anything of the sort (examples, not necessarily quoted from this thread)! That kind of language implies that she is somehow to blame, when she is a (potential) victim. And FFS, it is not child pornography!!! Images of child sexual abuse!!! Yes, it is illegal for her to send naked pictures of herself, although I believe she would still also be considered a victim of groomed into doing this.

@CanIleavenowplease As a fellow teacher, please can I point out you've used highly inappropriate language and should really know better!

@NekoShiro If she's sent inappropriate pictures of herself on the request of an adult, she is being abused (she's 15 and cannot, therefore, give consent, by definition). Do not underestimate the damage that is already being done to her if this has happened - it's a bit beyond telling her not to meet up with strangers!

OP, contact her school safeguarding team and let them know. Read your partner the riot act (Rotherham, anyone???) and tell her mum. If you are not satisfied with the responses, you can go directly to your area's multi agency safeguarding hub (MASH). Please do not shy away from reporting for fear of bad reactions! If she isn't at risk (I'd say she probably is), then nothing more will be heard of it. If she is at risk, action can be taken to help her.