Is DSD being groomed, AIBU to get involved?

[Thewheelsonthebusgoround]

A wee bit of background. DSD is 15, I’m married to her dad and been with him for 5years, I wasn’t the OW, he split with DSDs mum two years before we met. I don’t have the closest relationship to her, it’s got better over recent years but we’re close.

She’s on Instagram with an open profile. She posts some pics that leave little to the imagination, shots of her just in bra and pants, up her skirt, lots of tongue and wet lips, you get the idea. Her dad is aware and has told her he doesn’t like it.

Anyway recently there’s been lots of comments from one younger man. He has a closed profile and I have a gut feeling he’s much older. Just from what he says and how he comments on everything with gushing complements. I’m worried she’s being groomed. She’s ignoring every single internet safety advice.

I’ve told her dad and he’s so Disney he won’t say a word to her!!

What would you do? I’ve tried and tried getting her dad to say something and I don’t have a close enough relationship to be comfortable having the conversation!

Even though your relationship with the mum isn’t great, I think you must still tell her. Ideally dad would do it - see if he will. Otherwise, you’ll have to.

The young man comments are the last couple of weeks, increasing in amount of comments. The pics have been appearing for about six months but she did delete a bunch after her dad had a word, leaving one on with a fowl mouthed comment about doing what she likes. It’s all very scary!

You keep describing your DP as "Disney" which seems to be a lighthearted way to say a fucking terrible parent.

Sorry my comment wasnt helpful, i just find such lax attitides quite shocking. I agree with speak to her mum then the school

Report to the school - head of year would be a good starting point. We are dealing with this all the time.

Yes, it’s porn and the consequences are considerable. It is an offensive to possess this material. As teachers, we are advised not to take up an offer to view what might be a dodgy picture of a student when reported by a well meaning student - it is phone confiscation and escalated way up the food chain to be dealt with.

Could you report his posts to CEOP?

Get her (and your husband!) to watch this

leics.police.uk/categories/kayleighs-love-story-film

I’d set up a fake profile and I would add the suspect profile and try engage him in conversation to see what you’re dealing with

DO NOT DO THIS!!!

And if he is 15 then YOU are the weirdo, groomer with a fake profile. FFS!

Talk to her, not ALL 15 year old girls are posing in their pants, so why is your SD? Low self-esteem, need for approval and affirmation from men ? Then show her this video -

How comes you’re aware of the Instagram account but assume the mum isn’t? Honestly Dad needs to step up here and have a word with his ex. I can’t imagine mum would be happy and if she found out dad was aware would be furious he knew but didn’t say anything to her or DD

Great minds @Spinn

Haha @RhymingRabbit yep!

OP, Kayleigh's story was local to us. After they were arrested, a local parent realised the perpetrators were actually friends with 30plus of their child's friends all of whom went to the local village secondary school. The lack of online safety amongst local kids was astoundingly poor and the type of behaviour your step daughter is exhibiting matches this.

You absolutely have to intervene OP and bloody quickly. I'd even go as far as to suggest a trained female police officer pops in to give her a rundown on the types of men that enjoy looking online at shots of teens pants and privates. She needs to understand that these monsters exploit the brutal abuse of very young kids in poor countries in Asia. I'm aghast at your DH and his lack of action. Maybe he thinks this will just all fade away. She obviously has major esteem issues if she wants approval of men for screen shots up her skirt. Very sad. You've got to act and it's on your conscience if you don't.

I am struggling to get to grips with how a father could care more for his self preservation than her physical safety and sanity. He disgusts me. Please tell her mother and the school. Thank you for stepping in.

I'd pop into my local police station and get some advice from them OP. I'd hope they'd handle this well and take it very seriously.

Speak to someone like nspcc as you can can call anonymously.

Please phone the school amd make them aware of what's going on, or get in touch with dsd's mum. She'll thank you in the long run.

We had a situation before Christmas with my 12.5yr old dd. I'll be blatantly honest, dh amd I had taken our eye off the ball as I'd had an operation and were muddling along with him being self employed and me unable to do a lot. But I had an inkling something wasn't right with dd. She'd stopped using her phone, and was using our ancient ipad a lot. So I went through it one day. There were a raft of messages from a "boy". How much he loved her etc etc, msg's at all times of the day and night. He had hardly any followers, but he was following lots of people. And all young girls. Then there were msg's getting her to use a msg'ing app called Kik, which I'd never heard of, where he tried to get her to go in the bathroom and take pictures of herself. Thank god she didn't. You could see her making excuses for not, and apologising. We phoned the police, and long story short, they investigated for a potential sexual exploitation charge, but were unable to proceed past initial investigations.

This has had a massive effect on her. And us! Obviously everything is now locked down and we have very strict restrictions over phone use, plus daily checking.

Agree with everyone saying tell her mum and report it. You might think about talking to her beforehand, explaining that you need to tell her mum about this because you're concerned for her safety. She might open up to you if you approach it in the right way. She sounds troubled and vulnerable. Maybe you could try to befriend her - does she enjoy films, music, shopping, sports? Is there anything you could do together, to spend some more time as a family? It sounds like she's unhappy and isolated and maybe needs to feel love and attention from her parents.

Yes, what is meant by 'He's so Disney'? Is it 'Disney' as in 'Disnae do anything'?

Tell the mum and the school. ASAP.

Disney as in fake plastic happiness where everything is fun, not doing any of the boring day to day discipline, homework etc of parenting. Often only sees the kids at weekends so only does the fun stuff.

I would sit your DH down and explain this is not OK parenting and is a risk his daughter is being abused or groomed..
Then I would tell him you or he needs to speak to her mother tonight
Then I would come up with a plan between the three of you as to who was going to tell the school, because if she is in his grasp you can bet a few of her friends are too.
If he ignores you tell her mum-if she kicks off and many defesnsive parents might out of guilt, tell the school.

Disney as in lives on a fantasy world, denial and won't disrupt it with the truth or needing to take responsibility. Wants to be their friend more than be a parent

Fuck what the Mum thinks of you - just tell her x

Sounds awful - and I think there are a huge amount of girls out there with similar profiles, over-sexualising themselves. Actually just sexualising themselves. They don’t really get the effect they are having and just think they’re being “cute” or “daring”. It’s terrifying. Tell the dad to step up and to tell her mum as well or you will.

Regardless of her mother's feelings towards you, tell her of your concerns. She needs to be aware of her daughter's online activities.