To shudder at the thought of having another baby?

[AllesAusLiebe]

Just wondering whether anyone else felt the same and did you overcome these feelings?

DS is 4.5 months and is and has always been incredibly difficult. He initially had colic and digestive problems, improved for around 2 weeks, but now we’ve got a whole litany of issues with him. Hates being held unless I walk around the room in circles, hates the car, hates the pram, hates the groups I take him to, won’t sit still for longer than 3 minutes, complains, whines and screams for at least 70% of the day when he’s awake.

I’m completely at my limit and am actually looking forward to getting back to work because I find him so tough to deal with during the day. It’s horrible to admit this, but I often look at friends’ babies and think, “why can’t you be more like them....?!”.

DH and I always said we’d like 2 kids, but the experience with this one has been so scarring that I absolutely cannot contemplate it.

Did anyone else who had a demanding 1st child go on to have another ‘easier’ baby? How did you get yourself to the point whereby having a second seemed like a reasonable thing to do?

I had an easy first one, figured ooh ok maybe another one day, then spawned a devil child.

Your feelings might change but if you don’t want another child there’s nothing to say you have to have 2. Most people’s preoccupation with not having the one is deep rooted in long debunked preconceptions about only children. For every person who says they were lonely as an only child you’ll find another who says siblings made their childhood a misery.

Take your time there’s no rush

I had a spirited high needs first baby. She didn’t sleep longer than 1.5 hours stretches at night or nap longer than 20 minutes for the first six months (and that was only in the sling, with me standing up). She had such a loud cry. I could never do baby massage or coffees as she would scream and scream. She got easier once she had solid food, and a bit easier again when talking and walking and so we thought we’d go for a second. She was an absolute breeze as a baby! She would feed, then turn her head and put herself to sleep, she always laughed and put herself in a really predictable nap schedule so I could go out for long lunches while she slept in the pram. It was heaven!

You are in the eye of the storm, don’t write off a second yet, I promise it gets easier. Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. Some babies just don’t like being babies.

Everyone keeps asking me when I'm having another (DD will be 2 this year). Although she's a relatively easy baby, I can't imagine anything worse. Severe sickness & sciatica in pregnancy, PND etc and she's pretty great. No idea how I'd cope with a difficult one and don't want to risk it. You aren't alone.

My first thought when I read this was you seem to have recieved a twin of ds as a baby. I felt the same way, I couldnt imagine doing it again. The constant screaming and lack of sleep (I developed a stutter from sleep deprivation). I considered selling my bed on gumtree as I reasoned I had no use for it anymore and felt it was taunting me. However, I did do it again and had dd. For me it was the fact that I wanted two and I wanted a certain age gap so just went for it. She is the complete opposite. Never cried, never unsettled, loved sleep from a few weeks old. I was flabbergasted and thought there was something wrong with her. I truely believed any baby I had would be like ds (who is wonderful now as a 3 year old).
Basically, if you want another one dont go into it thinking its going to be the same again. I really thought that would be the case and it couldnt have been further from the truth.

You may change your mind - your baby is still tiny. But equally you may not, and that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with having one child.

DH and I always planned three kids back when we were young and naive and carefree.

DS1's birth was so traumatic I said I couldn't see ever having another one. I did change my mind eventually, but only after my mental health recovered, so there's a reasonably large age gap. DS2 was much more difficult as a baby, in that he had reflux and didn't sleep as well as DS1 had, so I had 'easy' baby followed by 'difficult', and when DS2 was small I would never ever ever have contemplated another child. Now he's older, I totally would have another in theory, because I think I could manage the baby stage again (I'm nuts, I know) but we won't be having a third now because of finances mainly. We'd get by, but it wouldn't be fair on the two we have and I'll run out of time if we wait until finances are better.

You don't have to decide right now, you don't have to even contemplate another one, just be a mum of one and see how things go and look after yourself. Thinking about it might be building it up to be a bigger thing in your mind, iyswim.

Has he got reflux? I know you've heard it a million times but slings work. Mine's has reflux an the crying went on for hours!!! Blocks of hours Baby sling slept in it. It might be difficult cause they're a good bit heavier. What about a bouncer. They like to be upright and nosy at that age don't they? It's a guessing game half the time and I'm sure you're exhausted! Anyone could take baby for few hours so you can have some deserved me time?

Also agree with enjoying seeing the changes come an things settling down.

in your post you could be talking about my DS now, he's 5 months. unfortunately he's my 2nd child! my first also cried a lot but once she was diagnosed with a milk allergy she improved and was a lovely sunny baby. he's an absolute job. I think as your baby gets older you may forget now hard they are, for me a 4 year age difference really made me 'forget' the constant crying and want to try for another baby.

but I have to say if DS was my first I probably wouldn't have had another. its torture!

Why do you feel you have to have a second child? There is no Law that says you have to have another. I had an exceptionally easy baby, but I knew I would never, ever want to have another, and 18 years later I have never once regretted that decision.

YADNBU. Mine didn't sleep much for two years which nearly caused all sorts of mental health and marriage collateral damage. Even now I can't take her for walks or for meals out with fiends etc because she just wings and moans unless she's got 100% attention.

DD is 7 months and is very high needs - she doesn't scream/cry as such but wants CONSTANT entertainment and will shout/whine a lot if she's not getting it. She hardly naps during the day and whilst she does go for a long 6/7 period at night, she doesn't sleep through and takes a while to resettle when she does wake at 3/4am. Sometimes she's up for the day at 5.

There definitely will not be another. I was pretty decided on 1 anyway but I'm solid in my decision now.

I had pre-eclampsia. My girl came 8 weeks early, and because of complications I had to be put under a GA for the CS. I hated the recovery, hated having trouble bonding, couldn't bf, and was very guilty about it all too. I didn't like babyhood much either. My family were saying, when are you having another one? My husband wanted more too. Nope, I'm not going through it again. One is enough.

My third was like this (silent reflux finally diagnosed at 6 months) I returned to work early to get a break.

It nearly broke me and I had #4 in part to erase the horrific ness of the whole experience!!! I really have not 2 hoots about #4 birth after 6 months of hell!

It does pass, you fo recover and only those that have been there have any understanding of how awful it is

DD was pretty hard work as a newborn. She had a bad tongue tie, would cluster feed for hours and hours, screamed if put down and only ever slept on me. From 4 months to around 8 months she only slept in 45 minute bursts. She was pretty calm and happy as long as she was feeding or at least in my arms, but I’m not sure how me and DH survived the sleep deprivation and how I didn’t go mad being stuck on the sofa for most of the day. We both said we’d have 3 kids before DD arrived, but when we were in the thick of it neither of us could imagine how we could ever do it again and I definitely shuddered at the thought.

When DD got to about 18 months she suddenly became so much easier. She’s so placid, will sit and entertain herself happily, and is very independent and so funny. I’m now starting to get quite broody again and we are starting to think about baby 2 in a year or two. It’s been quite a sudden change in mindset. She’s just so much easier now, and I think while I can remember how difficult it was in the early days it’s a bit hazy and I’m probably not remembering the true horror! I think we may settle for two though .

It’s so early for you, I wouldn’t stress about it. You’ll probably find you do reach a point where things get easier and you could imagine doing it all again. But if you dont, fine. There’s no rule that says you have to!

My 1st wasn't really like that he had problems with colic but he was pretty good. My second however was a gift from the devil sent to send my of my nut! He cried non stop for the first year of his life. Wouldn't get off my hip, wouldn't let me do anything without him on me. It really had a terrible impact on my mental health. He is 5 now and he is still very clingy, that was 90% of the reason I haven't had another child. I don't think I could go through it again. Everyone says you don't get 2 the same, but I just can't take the risk.

I know it’s hard to believe but they do grow out of it @SherlockSays, my first was like this and he grew out of it and I then had another who is also like this at the moment. They get easier as they get older.

Forgot to mention once milk was changed and medications tweaked. I have a happy smiley baby who sleeps well and on her own! But I know what the constant crying was like. Cried sometimes too as I didn't know what else to do.

I had an easy first baby and still waited 6 years to have another. Baby 2 was my difficult one, reflux and just generally hard work. Now she's 2 and she's utterly amazing. I'm not saying those early days aren't hard but they don't last forever and god it's worth it.

Ds 8 months is a delight of a baby. He's happy, chatty, cheeky and always on the go. He's always fed well and eats solids like a dream. He generally sleeps through (no milk, but will wake a few times for dummy) and he loves a snuggly cuddly nap. He was really sicky as a baby but a cheerful vomiter so we never tried to diagnose reflux. He is the absolute apple of my eye.

But we don't think we want another and people cannot understand this, they seem offended that (for now at least) we only want one baby.

DH and I are completely fulfilled being parents to DS and I love that he has our full attention and in a few years we can do interesting holidays and days out without having a baby or toddler to think about (nothing against those who have another at all).

I don't actually particularly enjoy the newborn stage and think that if I could have another, who is an exact clone of my pfb who is perfection that came out at 4 months old then maybe I'd be more keen.

I wanted two. Then I had DD, and amongst my friends I'm the founder member of the 'one and done' club. Pregnancy was horrific, birth was horrific, newborn was horrific. I still have nightmares, in which I am pregnant - I wake up in a complete panic. I'm aware that this sounds extreme, but it's the way I feel. I love our little family of 3, we've moved closer to friends with children the same age so DD isn't lonely. DH was a little sad, but he completely respects my decision, he said I have a veto in this matter. It's not so bad having one!

I just realised that my post sounds goady and it wasn't intended to. What I meant to say was don't feel bad for feeling that way, people choose not to have another for many reasons

Dc1's arrival hit me like a bombshell. Immediately after the birth I was certain I was never ever having any more. I felt like that for a good six months. After a year or so I decided another would be tolerable. After two years I was actually quite looking forward to a second! I now have two D.C. and that's us done.

I think the whole of the first 13 months or so change so much you'll feel a whole spectrum of things. Leave it a while and don't get hung up on deciding one way or another just yet.