To shudder at the thought of having another baby?

[AllesAusLiebe]

Just wondering whether anyone else felt the same and did you overcome these feelings?

DS is 4.5 months and is and has always been incredibly difficult. He initially had colic and digestive problems, improved for around 2 weeks, but now we’ve got a whole litany of issues with him. Hates being held unless I walk around the room in circles, hates the car, hates the pram, hates the groups I take him to, won’t sit still for longer than 3 minutes, complains, whines and screams for at least 70% of the day when he’s awake.

I’m completely at my limit and am actually looking forward to getting back to work because I find him so tough to deal with during the day. It’s horrible to admit this, but I often look at friends’ babies and think, “why can’t you be more like them....?!”.

DH and I always said we’d like 2 kids, but the experience with this one has been so scarring that I absolutely cannot contemplate it.

Did anyone else who had a demanding 1st child go on to have another ‘easier’ baby? How did you get yourself to the point whereby having a second seemed like a reasonable thing to do?

Hah, DS is staying an only- I hated the baby stage, my hips still aren't 100% due to SPD and DS is exhausting anyway!

I didn't have any real experience with kids so I was convinced it was just me not coping properly until I saw him at a playgroup where he was 10 times harder work than a set of twins the same age...

He's now 4 and he's finally a lot better after a lot, lot of work- even my mum who worked as a nanny admits he's tricky (and her and DP nearly lost him as they simply didn't realise he needs watching).

There's good bits as well though, he's incredibly willful and strong minded- he is independent and keen to try anything, when other kids give him trouble he can usually handle it etc

Dd1 was a difficult baby, clingy, hated anyone but me, woke fed every 2 hours until she was 2. Now 4yo she is still hard work.

We now have dd2 who is 2 soon and a delight. Not easy but a breeze in comparison!

My first never slept, wouldn't settle, cried a lot, caught every cough and cold going and even had chickenpox at eight weeks old.

21 months later, DC2 was born. Having two close together like this was hard but it made things easier, strangely. Having to share my time between two DC made both of them more independent. I couldn't be in two places at once and if I was sorting out DC1 and DC2 cried, they had to wait. It was amazing how quickly DC2 would settle. All the messing about with DC1 was a distant memory. I honestly think that sometimes we make babies more fractious. I think that sometimes putting them down, concentrating on making a cup of tea and having five minutes, can work wonders. You feel better and the DC may have dozed off!

My first was bad. I thought I would die from the lack of sleep. It was honestly the hardest year of my life and you couldn't pay me to repeat it. She's now a gorgeous, funny and all round lovely 3 year old.

My second was much easier, still have moments but no where near as bad. Loves sleep (although not as much now he's on the move) and a really happy little soul.

The dust will settle and you may feel differently, but you also may not and both of those are ok!

4.5 months and some people haven't physically recovered from the birth yet! To be honest I'd completely put it out of my mind for at least another year if you've had a hard time, unless you're of an age where you're worried about fertility rapidly declining just agree to park it and discuss it again when things have settled down.

It's weird when you've had no sleep or break from screaming etc you think you'll be so grateful for a decent nights sleep etc...and then when it happens it quickly becomes so normal and you forget it was ever awful. And then see another newborn or siblings playing together and think oh maybe! But it's perfectly fine to just have one child there are definitely advantages

Thanks so much for the replies! I really appreciate you all taking the time to tell me your experiences.

I’m an only child and really didn’t find it difficult, but I’m fairly placid in nature and sociable, so always got along just fine. I’m pretty certain that DS and I are very different characters in that respect.

I just always thought I’d want 2, but I’m unsure if I could ever take the risk of the second being as tough as the first! I’ve heard lots of people say that every baby is different, so just wondered whether that was true. I also wondered whether you just forget how shit the first few months are, but that doesn’t seem to be the case! 😂

I still need my mother in law here most days to stop me from losing my mind and there have been evenings recently when I’ve handed DS over to DH the moment he’s got home from work and said, “he’s your problem now!”. 😂

I remember a telephone call with my mother a while ago when I was so exhausted and could barely hold back the tears. She said to me in her uncompromising, matter of fact way. “It’s a job, not a holiday. You need to start approaching this like a real job”. My god, she was right.

Thanks also for the advice. The sling used to work, but he’s so damn heavy now! I still use if from time to time, but can’t manage his weight for very long. I took him to an osteopath (again, on my mother’s insistence!) when he was very small but didn’t really get anywhere. Maybe I’ll try another. I do think it’s time to go to the doctor to get him checked out. Sometimes the screaming comes out of nowhere, which makes me think there’s something else going on.

Oh BridgeFarmKefir it does really suck when you’re at your wits end and you visit friends with their wonderfully contented, happy kids whilst yours is wailing and trying to throw himself out of your arms because he’s so pissed with life itself. That’s happened on so many occasions...

It sounds like you've got a good support system OP x

AmIRightOrAMeringue yeah, that’s a concern. I’ll be 35 this year and had a hard time conceiving. I’ve got two eggs in the freezer following my fertility treatment, so a second may not even be possible.

That’s really the only reason I’m thinking this way, to be honest. That said, a good friend of mine had ivf then fell pregnant naturally with her second after only 5 months. I’d be absolutely horrified if that happened! 😂

I will never have another. DTs are 4 months and I absolutely will not do that again.

Is he a baby that's distracted by lights or music etc. I discovered when baby was being cuddled by grandparents that she faced an saw the tv. Crying stopped immediately. So now when I know she's unsettled I get something when lights on it or the tv at a distance so I can do what needs on i.e bath or change etc. Also babies change their wants and needs so much it's hard to keep up

I just re-read that. Changing her or bathing her not myself 😂😂

I feel for you, I really really do.

My first was hell for months. I used to look at all the other NCT babies and think “What the hell am I doing wrong?”. It turns out she had CMPA and from that first night on prescribed formula she was a different child. Lovely, smiley, wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still hard work 3 year old but it’s a million times better now.

I’m expecting another child later this year. I’m excited and worried.

All mine were easy babies.

Then they grew into children...

I wanted to send you a message of support and say hang in there. You have it very tough at the moment. I have a 6 year old who is an only child. I had a tough child birth and injuries meant multiple surgeries and complications added to depression and anxiety. We could in theory have had another one but we chose not to. Even though I know that’s the right decision for us I have wasted way too much time torturing myself with worrying about her being an only child and whether we ought to have another. She is happy and healthy and not selfish and very social. It’s ok to have one. That said you also do not need to make the decision yet. Go easy on yourself for now and keep going on what is a tough time. Hang in there it will get easier.

Haha laughed my head off at the lady who said she considered selling her bed and felt it was taunting her! I felt very similar and I never had another. Mine wasn't a crier but Jesus, he NEVER slept. I nearly died. He's 7 now but when I think about having another newborn I just know I'd die if I did it again. I'd be found dead in a nursing chair and it would be in all the papers. "Proof that Mums can die from lack of sleep"

Didn't think I would ever want another after a horrible birth and awful PND but now that DD is one I can see it as a possibility. Don't put any pressure on yourself and just don't worry about it for now. It will get easier, I promise. Six months was a massive turning point for me and it only got better from there.

I really feel for you OP.
My first baby was cheerful but couldn’t sleep, night or day, and it drove me half mad.
He’s 6 now, and still survived on less sleep than I think he should, but generally he’s fab company. I did go on to have another, who was a much easier baby and slept in the sling whenever he needed to. He is a pretty stubborn 3 year old, but the light of my life and the two of them are great friends.
Honestly, I wouldn’t think too much about number 2 yet. Concentrate on survival, whatever gets you through. Things will change, and then you might be able to contemplate another more cheerfully.

I really feel for you. Sending hugs. My DD was a dream baby ( I now realise after having our DS). The first 5 months he screamed most of the day and I cried every day too. Then he was diagnosed with silent reflux was prescribed gaviscon and ranitidine. He changed and it got easier the less milk he was drinking. It's crap when someone tells you this but everything's a phase and it changes all the time. Go to the doctors just to check.

You were me. My first was such hard work, always fussing, barfing constantly, rarely content to stare about placidly like other babies, didn't sleep much. I also just felt really shellshocked in general
by parenthood after 32 years of no responsibilities. I got through each day by telling myself I'd never have a 3/4/5 week old baby again, that each day was a step closer to nursery and school and me getting my life back. Couldn't understand why people did this to themselves more than once.

We had another. I started getting time to myself when he was 16/17 months old, felt broody and a bit resentful that I couldn't just have another if I wanted to (we considered DS a one off miracle child after years of infertility). Decided to roll the dice and see what happened and of course we got pregnant immediately

It's been a dream. DD is three months old now, DS is 2y5m, and we're really delighted with how everything turned out. It's not a shock the second time round. We've found she fits in with us, she's entertained just watching DS and being part of family life (DS must have been rather bored, just having us stare at him all the time). We don't know what we did without her. Babies are hard work so she's definitely our last, but omg I've found it so
Much easier this time around. Not just because she's a slightly calmer baby. I'm a much calmer mother. Everything feels more relaxed. I'm relishing it. No more counting down the days - this time, I'm sad that they're passing so quickly. Good luck without whatever you decide to do - you've plenty of time to work out what's right for you.

DD is now 5. She cried a LOT for the first year and barely slept, day or night. She completely refused a bottle or dummy so I fed her (constantly) for 12 months. My mental health really suffered but I had a really unhelpful GP at the time who told me I was fine.
I was always told that the memories would fade and of course I would have another. The memories will NEVER fade! Definitely one and done, and very happy with just the three of us and being able to give everything to our (now amazing) girl.

My eldest was the baby from hell. The first six months of her life were the longest of mine. Acid reflux, never slept, really demanding all the time when awake. I used to go to mum and baby groups and want to cry seeing all the other nice happy babies sitting on their mums laps while I was frantically doing anything and everything to try to keep her from screaming the house down. I also regularly went out in clothes that already had vomit on because there was no point changing when there would be more of it in a few minutes anyway. I was seriously sleep deprived and had PND that the midwife was horrified to learn noone had tried to treat me for when I went for my first appointment for my second.

My second was born three years later, and was a difficult baby by normal standards, but still easier than the first. They are now 8 and 5, eldest is an absolute angel and I couldn't be prouder of her, youngest is a holy terror and I'm waiting for the phone call from school asking me to take her away permanently please (she's outrageously cute though).

I always wanted a second child, really didn't think I could face it after the first, and it was a difficult time, but I'm so glad I did it. I decided that even if the second was as hard, it was only a fairly short period in my life (though it seemed like forever at the time), and it would be worth it in the long run.

There's nothing wrong with choosing to have just one, I know plenty of people who have, but if you really want two it seems a shame to miss out. Wait until your son is older, I promise it will get easier. And if you do do it have some strategies ready for how you'd deal with the same problems again. We had a sort of nest thing for co-sleeping second time round, and I joined a breastfeeding support group on facebook having had that go wrong with the first. I'm not saying it will definitely be easier with a second, but you'll be more confident as a parent, and you'll have your son as proof that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I always wanted 2 children but after an awful pregnancy and an even worse labour and birth I will not be doing it again. I felt incredibly traumatised after having DD and that isn’t going to go away in a hurry. I don’t think I could do that again.

Just saw your post about slings and baby being heavy. What sort of sling are you using? Most carriers killed me once DS was five/ six months, but once I got a woven wrap and learnt to front carry in that, I carried him no problem until he was about 19 months old and I was too pregnant. Wraps just spread the weight better.

Saw also that you had fertility issues - that was it for me too, that was why I tormented myself with questions about having a second even as I was struggling so much with my first. You just want to know it's an option, the uncertainty was horrible. to you

Have you got my baby? I was open to a second. Not now. Will only sleep in the day in the sling, and knows the instant I sit down, my back and knees are shot. Won't sit in a bouncy chair.or swing, bought an all singing all dancing expensive activity may, cries after five minutes. Would sleep in his pram so I started walking every day, now won't sleep there either, will sleep sometimes in the car, but wakes up and screams at every set of traffic lights. He basically shouts, no tears, just angry unless he's being held and walked around with.
He has started sleeping for 4-5 his at a time at night though which is bliss! I take him swimming which is great but he screams when I get him dressed, I'm scared to take him to other classes as he will probably just kick off. Went out for Sunday lunch last week, he went mad 🤷. My DN is three weeks older just sleeps all the time ..

My first was hard, she pretty much screamed for the first 4 months. She gradually got better though. At around 1 they get really cute and everything they do is adorable; jiggling to music, clapping and pointing. So I bit the bullet and had another, almost exactly 2 years between them. My second was dead easy, such a happy content baby from day 1.