To shudder at the thought of having another baby?

[AllesAusLiebe]

Just wondering whether anyone else felt the same and did you overcome these feelings?

DS is 4.5 months and is and has always been incredibly difficult. He initially had colic and digestive problems, improved for around 2 weeks, but now we’ve got a whole litany of issues with him. Hates being held unless I walk around the room in circles, hates the car, hates the pram, hates the groups I take him to, won’t sit still for longer than 3 minutes, complains, whines and screams for at least 70% of the day when he’s awake.

I’m completely at my limit and am actually looking forward to getting back to work because I find him so tough to deal with during the day. It’s horrible to admit this, but I often look at friends’ babies and think, “why can’t you be more like them....?!”.

DH and I always said we’d like 2 kids, but the experience with this one has been so scarring that I absolutely cannot contemplate it.

Did anyone else who had a demanding 1st child go on to have another ‘easier’ baby? How did you get yourself to the point whereby having a second seemed like a reasonable thing to do?

You are only 4 months in! Don't put any pressure on yourself to decide right now. Your DS sounds very similar to my DD, she was an absolute nightmare baby and I really didn't enjoy a lot of my maternity leave. I swore I would never have anymore and the thought of going through the newborn stage again terrified me.

Fast forward 16 months and we are about to start ttc our second baby... As cliched as it sounds, the days feel long but the years really are short. Life with a toddler certainly has its own challenges (the tantrums...!) but I much prefer it to the little baby stage. That was so dull. Also for me going back to work saved my sanity. So in short, you may change your mind, but if you don't, that's fine too!

DS was a horrific birth and an utter nightmare as a baby. Cried constantly, never slept, wouldn't feed etc etc

I was fortunate to love him fiercely from the moment he was born but my God that boy was a nightmare. He's 7 now and whilst occasionally challenging mostly fabulous

I approached it from a different angle, my thoughts were that I was sure that I wanted 2, and surely another baby could not be as bad as DS, so I might as well have a second and get it all done at once!

DD entered our lives when DS was 22 months, she was like a little fairy coming into my life and has never caused me a spot of bother in all her 5 years.

They are both brilliant now, and because I slaved over DS and he basically spent a year, crying at me, in my arms we have the most amazing bond, we've been through a lot!

That being said, it's definitely not an approach for everyone. It's absolutely fine just to have one child I should know, I am one

Like many have said, I could only describe my first child’s first year as traumatic. The sleep deprivation was extreme and months of waking every 45-90m coupled with breastfeeding challenges were the darkest times of my life. Dramatic but true. You couldn’t have paid me to have another baby then but by time she was 18m I was ready to give it some thought and by 2 ready to try again. DD2 is easier but still not amazing sleeper, difference is I feel less of the traumatised ‘it shouldn’t be like this’ as I know now that babies can be really fucking hard, so mentally it’s easier to cope with the hard times as it’s not such a shock.

Haven't red the rest of the thread but 4.5 months is way too early to be thinking about another

We couldn't stomach the thought of another until DD1 was 3. We then went on to have DS1 and realised DD1 was actually quite tricky whereas second baby was sooooo much easier

Give it time (a couple of years)

Don't assume a difficult baby is always going to be a difficult toddler or older child. This isn't always the case. One of mine was a very easy baby but harder later on and the trickest toddler has turned into a placid teen. Babies are hard for all types of reasons that can resolve.

Also just to reassure you and PPs - my daughter was the same, wouldn't lie down for a second, hated being left anywhere, hated the pram, hated the car, refused to nap, screamed all the time - it was miserable. She had reflux and CMPA - getting those sorted did help a bit but she was never EVER happy on her mat or anything, I basically had to carry her around all day. UNTIL she could sit up by herself, at which point she became completely content to sit and play independently for ages, and that's only increased as she's got older and developed more skills. Now at one she'll happily potter around playing by herself for up to two hours if I'm getting on with something. I could never have imagined that happening!

My first son was hard work in so many ways. He was born at 27 weeks after an awful pregnancy, spent 9 weeks in NICU and had 3 ops before his first birthday. He hated milk and would struggle to drink an ounce at a time. Subsequently he was, and still is, very underweight. He hated sleep and never slept for more than an hour until he was 5 months. He was the ultimate Velcro baby and would scream for hours if you let him. He drove me up to the point of actual madness. Then he turned 2 and was the dream toddler, an absolute delight.

My second son was a text book pregnancy followed by a textbook birth. He was a good weight,loved his food and his sleep and at 16 months sleeps 13 hours a night (at the loss of his daytime nap but can't have everything!). He's bright and loving and independent and just wants to play and read and is just a delight. If I'd had him first I'd have had a dozen! He makes me laugh out loud every single day and I can't imagine my life without him.

Sorry 15 months. I'd have killed for more than an hour sleep at 5 months!

Yes! Tough, colicky baby first time (who is now the funniest, kindest, happiest kid... her whole world changed when she learned to crawl and could get where she wanted to go on her own steam).

Anyway, we were braced for the same tough 8/9 months with our second, instead, we got the doddle baby. So chilled and smiley from Day 1.

It's early doors, OP. You still have no idea how much more you're going to love your little one. Enjoy what you can of these days and know even better ones are on the way to you. Promise.

Ds1 was a pretty textbook baby. Ds2 sounds exactly like yours - he was so unhappy, and so were we. However he perked up a lot once he could sit, more again once he could walk (very early) and was actually a pretty easy toddler.
DS3 was a surprise but the easiest baby ever, but really really embraced the terrible twos!
Because we are optimistic we followed up with a dc4 who is now turning out to be another cranky velcro baby - but it's so much easier because we know now that it's only a phase, and time passes so much more quickly with later babies

You sound like you are doing a great job and doing all you can for your baby. Make sure, if you can, that you are doing things for yourself too, and I know that this stage feels endless now, but you will be shocked by how soon you will be looking back on this as a dim sleepless memory.
You may choose to have another child or not, there's no right or wrong answer, but definitely don't put pressure on yourself to come to any decisions right now, it's early days and you've got enough on your plate.

Not alone. I decided when daughter was 2 days old that we were done having kids. Everyone told us we'd come round to the idea. She is 18 months now and the most delighful and cheeky little girl but PND, the birth, and general mum life has put me off another. I don't think I'd manage, and she deserves a fully functioning happy mum to care for her, rather than a sibling.

Samind yes! He’s so easily distracted and actually, just two weeks ago, I discovered that he really enjoys the sensory room at the local children’s centre. That’s a great idea, thanks. It’s so strange that when you’re in the thick of it you don’t really think clearly about what could actually help. I’ll try and get something with some lights on for him to look at when he’s in the car, because that’s a particular flashpoint at the moment. 👍

Isthisyoursanderling it’s just a basic fabric wrap that I use. Did you have him facing outward by that age?

Thanks again everyone for the supportive replies. I really needed to hear that it’ll get better! Sometimes it just feels a bit endless and unrelenting.

I know exactly what you mean. I was crying along with baby 😂😂😂 also your baby brain just doesn't work that way as was in my case I was just relieved that the crying had stopped. She's great now though so hopefully you get something sorted.

My first cried for basically the first 18 months of his life unless being breastfed. Cried in the car. Wouldn’t go in a pram. Woke every 90mins for first 7 months.

We had a second and it was literally “well we better get over this nightmare as soon as possible”. He was an angel. Smiled all the time. I use to take long walks with him in pram.

He was so good we had a third!

My eldest from 3 as being one of the easiest children you could meet. Clever, kind and thoughtful. I think he just got all his childhood difficultness out in the first 18 months.

DC1 was like your baby - colic, didn't sleep, cried all the time. The thing is, I figured there was no chance the second baby could possibly be worse. I got lucky, DC2 has been the baby of my dreams

I know it’s hard to believe but they do grow out of it
DC1 is 3.5 and I'm still waiting!

I'm the opposite to you OP. I only wanted one but dc1 was such an easy baby his newborn days were the happiest of my life. Now I want 3 more. But I won't because I know the second one will probably be the devil! Seems like most people get one of each. Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.

I decided to have a second. Shortly after my toddler morphed into the nuttiest toddler on earth and I found out I was having twins.

I'm now the proud mother of the wildest two year old in England and two seven month year old twins.

I am very very very very tired.

Haven’t RTFT but my first DS was a nightmare baby, wouldn’t sleep, feeding troubles, and then turned into the world’s most demanding toddler. I just thought, in for a penny, and had DS2 22 months later. He was the easiest baby, so very different. I remember feeling amazed when I could put him down in his bouncy chair and HE DIDN’T CRY!! Now they’re teens, they’re both amazing and difficult in different ways!

My second has always been a lot more chilled than first. Eldest was rolling, crawling, walking early and always needed a lot of attention. Youngest much more laid back and plays by herself well. Having said that she is nearly 4 now and has a lot more tantrums etc so not as chilled as she was. They have a 4 year age gap so had plenty of time to get over the baby period between.

My daughter was very very hard work. She was stubborn and relentless (like me) from a few weeks old and she is 8 now and has the same relentless character . She's a lovely child now but as a baby she would scream when I left a room, scream when she didn't get what she wanted. Scream about sleeping and refused to sleep for mostly 5 years. She was never content and was the opposite of all my friends calm chilled happy babies and I did always wonder what I was doing wrong
. She was also in hospital 5 times in her first year and it was so heart breaking and worrying that I didn't enjoy her first few years at all.

For 7.5 years I refused to ever do it again but now I'm 20 weeks pregnant and I'm assured constantly no two children are the same. If I have another one the same then I'll get through it again, they are worth it. I wouldn't change her and I wouldn't change her brother if he is the same way (though I hope he's maybe just the chilled version of her 🙄)

Whenever I have complained about my daughter in the past people have only ever replied to me saying she sounds near enough the same as me, and I can't blame her for being my mini me or any of it. But Yeah, took me 7.5 years to get over the shudder.

Every baby is completely different. I have four DC and only one was a ‘difficult baby’. The other three (including DC4 who is 17 weeks old so it’s not rose tinted specs) were easy babies, so easy you’d barely know you had a baby at all. That’s not boastful because DC2 was like your DS and it was torturous at times but just know that not every baby is like that... Also know that only having one DC is fine AND that it definitely gets easier .

I look back and I'm not sure why I had a second baby, given how difficult my first was. It's not like she really got much easier as she got older either - she's now 17 and she still makes me quake. She's much more intelligent than I am and she takes no prisoners.

Luckily my second and third are different characters. They're both easier and harder in their different ways.

It seems like such a long time ago since they were babies. I look back and it's a blurred memory of feeling like I was running to keep up, constantly exhausted, never quite sure what to do.

TBH if I'd had any idea how hard it would be to have 3 under 4 I wouldn't have done it, but I am glad now that I had them when I did.