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Original poster

50/50 custody

81 replies

Mami16 · 24/02/2019 11:13

Any advice on family court 50/50 custody ond two year old and newborn? I don’t mind contact but over night stays I’m worried about when he wasn’t a hand on dad to DS.

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Original poster
Mami16 · 01/03/2019 13:51

Anyone have any advice or experience of 50:50 custody with a two year old and newborn?

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JagerPlease · 01/03/2019 13:59

I have 50/50 custody of my 2.5 year old, split a year ago. Both EXW and I were very hands on parents though. If you have a newborn, are you on mat leave? And are you breastfeeding? As although 50/50 would be a starting point it would unlikely be in the best interests for a baby in those circumstances

Original poster
Mami16 · 01/03/2019 14:13

Thanks for your reply. No he hasn't been a hands on dad and has only put the two year old to bed 3 times! I have no issue with contact but his demands for 50/50 overnight I'm worried about because he is so clingy to me and still wakes up in the night for me.

Yes I'm on maternity leave, not breast feeding. He is definitely not thinking of their needs!

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hibbledibble · 01/03/2019 14:18

50:50 is unlikely to be granted for a newborn as a starting point. For an older child it is possible.

Have you had legal advice?

RhymingRabbit · 01/03/2019 14:25

50/50 is unlikely because-

A) To ensure a baby has a good attachment to their primary care giver ,it is currently felt that shorter time but more often is the ideal contact time for babies. So say an hour every day ... or every other day.

B) Courts tend to want to keep the children in a routine and you say that he has not provided much care so it's unlikely they would change your child's life so suddenly.

Be prepared to increase contact as children get older and are more able to deal with longer stays away.

YouWinAgain · 01/03/2019 14:28

I've been through the court process with my 3.8 year old. Developmentally she's closer to 3. Her dad wanted residency, then 50/50 but he was granted Every Other Weekend overnight and 1 afternoon a week for 3 hours.

The courts looked at everything including DDs developmental age, they also asked questions of her GP and other professionals involved with her to see who "does" everything. And decided that while DD needed contact with her dad, it was also important that she sees her primary carer every single day.

They even built up to her going away overnight. I had to let her go every Sunday for a period of weeks and then on I think the 8th week, she stayed overnight. We're still not at full overnights yet (10am Sat - 4pm Sun) and we've had this arrangement since end of January. It's going to take until just before we go for the very final hearing in April before he has her for a full weekend and even then under the arrangement I'll see her for a few hours either end of "his" weekends which I believe is best for her.

I was scared of the court process, but was surprised how I found it. It's not relaxing, but my solicitor did all the speaking for me and my views were considered at every opportunity. They were so kind to me when I got upset. They even let DD go and meet the judge and sit in the court room, which was cute!

The final hearing for me is finalizing the arrangements, and making sure that they work for everyone. I can't see them changing much.

Judges like the status quo, if you have been the child's primary carer (they have tests for this they don't just take you and your ex's word for it), then they will want to ensure young children see their primary carer every day.

And I doubt with a newborn it'll be more than a couple of hours every few days. The 2.5 year old might have to go overnight for 24 hours every other weekend but they'll be lots of preparation hopefully.

Original poster
Mami16 · 01/03/2019 15:11

Thanks for your advice.

I don't mind increasing when they are older and are used to the change but definitely not in his best interest now.

Thanks YouWinAgain, can I ask where you are from? I hope my court will be as understanding and supportive as yours! I have done everything from the start, all appointments, nursery runs, nightfeeds, food, off work when he was unwell.

I've suggested that he sees his dad on Tuesday for tea and every other weekend Friday for tea and then Saturday overnight and back Sunday at 4. He thinks this is very unreasonable and is fighting for 50/50.

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YouWinAgain · 01/03/2019 15:20

I'll message where I'm from as I have an on going thread on here with more details which will reveal exactly who I am to anyone following me.

I don't think 50/50 works for such young children anyway! Your suggestion is good except they might ask why he can't just keep him Friday - Sunday.

MrsTerryPratcett · 01/03/2019 15:25

50:50 for a newborn isn't in the interests of the child. Short, repeated contact is.

What is he proposing as the pattern of the 50:50?

Original poster
Mami16 · 01/03/2019 15:39

Thanks he wants week 1: Tuesday and Thursday overnight

Week 2: Tuesday overnight and Thursday till Monday morning. Poor boy will be distraught from being away from me for so long. He isn't used to his father and he hasn't been hands on!

We are in court next week and I'm dreading it because he's lied so much in his application claiming he's a victim of domestic abuse. He's very clever and worried that they will believe him.

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MrsTerryPratcett · 01/03/2019 15:46

Taking a newborn away from it's primary caregiver for 5 nights in a week? Madness.

CandyCreeper · 01/03/2019 15:48

I wouldnt do it

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 01/03/2019 15:48

No court will even order an overnight for a newborn. It will need to be increased gradually. 5050 can work but it needs to be done appropriately and only if it benefits the children. Some children naturally cope better with a firm home base and a firm nrp base rather than 5050.

I would make a proposal to build up to 5050 gradually with 5050 being the goal when youngest is 2.5/3

YouWinAgain · 01/03/2019 15:48

claiming he's a victim of domestic abuse

My ex claimed he was a victim of domestic abuse. They asked him for evidence but evidence has to come from a reliable source, they can't just produce text messages or phone recordings. It has to come from the police, Social Services or their GP and there was other sources as well, there needs to be more than one piece of evidence.

ExHs evidence was thrown out, mine however was accepted as I had evidence from all of the above and more.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/03/2019 15:51
Confused

Is he trying to avoid paying maintenance?

More importantly- If he isn’t a primary carer are you confident he can provide proper care???

I would not be agreeing to anything and insist on going to court

LemonBreeland · 01/03/2019 15:53

I would hope that as long as you go to court agreeing to be open to 50:50 in the future when your DC are older and can benefit from it then hopefully you will be fine with getting lower contact and building up to more over the years.

LemonBreeland · 01/03/2019 15:54

That way you will seem fair and be shown to be thinking of the DC, and it will be clear if he argues back that he is not.

Original poster
Mami16 · 01/03/2019 16:09

I hope that they don't believe him but he will try anything to frame me but not sure if he's gone to police or doctors about me. I've been to the police because he has been harassing me and controlling but didn't want to make a statement because he is still their father but they have gone to him and given him words of advice.

Not sure about trying to get out of paying maintenance but it looks that way.

We also have another issue about the house and he wants 50/50 so he can keep the house for the children. Basically the house was up for sale as he demanded, we accepted offer from a cash buyer, solicitors were exchanging contracts and we were about to sign and then ex refused because I had already moved out before giving birth because of his behaviour, he then seen his opportunity to move in and refuse to sell but he will use this against me now that he has a suitable place for them and I'm cramped in my parents with them. We weren't married so house situation is different to the contact we'll be dealing with next week.

All such a mess!

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JagerPlease · 01/03/2019 18:24

Does he work? If so, has he said what he would intend to do with the baby on his days?

If you have to go to court then their judgement will be based solely on what is best for the children. 50/50 can work for a 2 year old (although if he's hardly ever put them to bed or looked after them alone, that would definitely change things) but a newborn...no way

Jamiefraserskilt · 01/03/2019 18:38

Um...if those are alternate weeks and he keeps them thursday until Monday, they are then back with him Tuesday and Thursday so you see them two nights in that week, Monday and wednesday. Is that right? Can you imagine the disruption to their lives? It is madness to ship kids off alternate nights! If he insists, surely Sunday to wed lunch every week or wed lunch to sunday morning would at least give them consistency. Your wee one is too small right now. I would expect superdad to argue the routine once a new girlfriend arrives on the scene or the lads want a night out!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/03/2019 22:42

Your update is jaw dropping.
The kind of man that would do that re: the house is not a good man.

Are you married?

Whether you are or not: You need a shit hot lawyer...

I would spend the weekend finding one

Get off the internet and go find one

Mummaaon · 03/03/2019 20:53

How old is the new born?
I'm going through similar to you, from when my baby was 12 weeks dear ex wanted baby 50/50! Plus baby is breastfed. He is now 9 months old but we are still at war. He even took baby overnight without my permission which was disturbing.
So I had made arrangements of ex seeing baby twice a week 9-6pm but ex says I'm evil and controlling! Court approaching

Original poster
Mami16 · 04/03/2019 08:12

Baby is 8 weeks, DS is 2. We are in court tomorrow and I'm so nervous. Ex is going to make me look horrible. He's ruining our lives! He can't settle them.

All through December and January he was begging us back and realised what he'd lost and saying that he changed (definitely not true) and now he's moved into the house and we have no 'home'.

I've stopped contact for nearly two months until this is sorted because of his behaviour and shouting/swearing at me in front of DS. I'm worried the court are going to be horrible to me because of that but this has been going on for so long I told him to go to solicitors/court to sort it.

Was fed up of him not sticking to his times, bringing DS back early because he couldn't handle/settle him, the abuse I was having.

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YouWinAgain · 04/03/2019 09:24

I stopped contact for 4 months, it wasn't mentioned in court only to say that Ex hadn't seen DD for 4 months but otherwise wasn't referred to.

Original poster
Mami16 · 04/03/2019 09:52

Thank you YouWinAgain. I am dreading tomorrow and the next couple of months!

Was it you or your ex that applied to court?

I'm stating to think that even after the courts he will still be trying to make everything difficult for me and will be controlling.
Do you have contact with your ex? Do you see him on hand overs or do you have someone to do that?

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