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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

50/50 custody

81 replies

Mami16 · 24/02/2019 11:13

Any advice on family court 50/50 custody ond two year old and newborn? I don’t mind contact but over night stays I’m worried about when he wasn’t a hand on dad to DS.

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Mummaaon · 13/03/2019 07:19

Not easy when babies just used to one carer esp to keep a smooth routine going.
He is part of father's for justice, it's a joke really since he was having the baby twice a week anyway.
I'll let you know how my call with cafcass goes if you haven't had yours in the meantime

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/03/2019 07:25

Before your Cafcass interview write yourself a one page bullet point summary of your concerns so you can skim through and make sure you’ve told them all the important stuff.

Mummaaon · 13/03/2019 08:03

Yes I made notes ready to go x

Pernickity1 · 13/03/2019 08:43

That’s so sad for your DD YogaWannabe - how could he not want to see her if he had previously been so involved? I can’t wrap my head around that?

It’s madness to think I could go from being my DCs primary carer to suddenly not being arsed seeing them more than once a week? Some parents are so bloody awful and don’t deserve their DC

Birdsgottafly · 13/03/2019 08:50

" but didn't want to make a statement because he is still their father"

You've got to start protecting your children and yourself.

Report and have him charged. Get a non molestation order.

You can get support and advice from your Local Domestic Violence Services.

He is playing dirty and telling lies.

You won't even tell the truth and do what you need to, why is that?

maddening · 13/03/2019 08:53

If he is claiming abuse do you have all his messages begging you to come back and promising to change?

Original poster

Mami16 · 13/03/2019 09:06

Morning, yes I have all the messages begging us back and he'll change (a load of bull)

I've been to see the police and domestic abuse team and they've been brilliant. Police have warned him and it's worked so far and if it doesn't then I'm going back to do that statement.

I am protecting the children and me, I've moved out (he wouldn't hurt the children it's the way he was towards me in front of them)

I've started making points for the Cafcass phone call. Thanks

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Natsku · 13/03/2019 12:45

I'm glad you're not agreeing to 50/50, that is definitely not in your children's best interests - never for an infant and debatable for a toddler. Bet he asked for it just to fuck with you some more and/or get out of paying child support.
My ex demanded sole custody with me getting visits once every 3 weeks when he did sod all with our DD before I left! I laughed in his face when he said that. I don't know what goes through these men's minds thinking these are appropriate custody suggestions.

Original poster

Mami16 · 13/03/2019 13:03

I know, he did tell me first that he would get them taken off me but on the court application he's gone for 50/50 only to get at me. He has absolutely no interest in them and is only interested in keeping the house for himself (that's another major battle with the courts now)

I hope they don't agree to 50/50, not at this age when they've never been away from me and 'dad' was never there when they woke up, put to bed, when ill, night feeds. Now we won't go back to him and I won't put up with him anymore he wants to be dad of the year all for show but he doesn't think at all about how this will affect them so young and being away from me for so long. Definitely don't agree to 50/50 until the child is old enough to understand and even have a voice to say they want to go.

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Original poster

Mami16 · 13/03/2019 13:05

Have you gone through courts Natsku? Or is it constant threats? I had constant threats so glad in a way it's gone to court so he can't threaten to not bring them back. I just pray he doesn't get 50/50.

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Natsku · 13/03/2019 13:14

Mami16 I did mediation first and ended up agreeing to much more contact than I was comfortable with and it ended up being bad for DD, and still didn't stop him taking the piss and refusing to return her several times so I stopped contact and went through the courts, several times, and got sole custody in the end. I hope it's different in the UK but for me, even with a court signed custody agreement, I couldn't do anything when he refused to return her and had to "kidnap" her.

Original poster

Mami16 · 13/03/2019 13:24

So pleased you got sole custody! Awful that you can't do anything when he doesn't return them, they definitely should for the Children's sake. They say that they always think of their interest but how does keeping them away from their primary carer good for them.

I can see why so many women stay with the father of their children just so they can check and be there for their children all the time. It's so hard. You really do see someone for what they are and everything they've done to you when you've removed yourself from the situation and had support from the domestic abuse service.

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Natsku · 13/03/2019 13:30

It does make you understand why someone stay, yes. A friend of mine won't leave her husband (not abusive but an alcoholic who makes her life miserable) because she is too scared of sharing custody with him.

Mummaaon · 13/03/2019 18:12

Natsku good ending for you! Which country was this court proceedings?

Natsku · 13/03/2019 19:22

Mummaaon Finland. Took 5 years from first court case to getting sole custody. Thankfully I got legal aid otherwise that would have got very expensive!

Mummaaon · 13/03/2019 20:10

Bloody marvellous well done, my legal fees are crazy high but I'm fighting for what I know is right

Natsku · 13/03/2019 20:13

It's definitely worth the fight. My DD's behavioural issues changed remarkably once contact was reduced.

Mummaaon · 13/03/2019 20:18

I'm in middle of it all now it's so horribly tiresome and a waste of energy. He wants 50/50 but his background and habits frighten me. Plus baby 10 months I feel I should be her primary career but I want them to have a relationship- I'm the bad cop obviously and he paints me to be the worst person alive 🙁

Natsku · 14/03/2019 05:41

It is horrid and dispiriting when you're in the middle of it but one day you will be past it so keep strong.

Mummaaon · 23/03/2019 08:13

You haven't long until next court hearing, how you feeling about it and have cafcass called you yet? X

Inliverpool1 · 23/03/2019 08:22

In this case it does sound unadvisable but I’ve seen 50/50 work very well. Those wanting to be primary carer and clinging to the babies are in for a bloody shock financially when the relality of the finances hit home. You’ll need to work and you’ll need the ex to facilitate that, 50/50 is actually in your best interests.

Mummaaon · 23/03/2019 08:30

I hear what you're saying but only in best interest if finances were a problem?

Original poster

Mami16 · 23/03/2019 08:35

Finances isn't the problem, it's the fact that he was never a hand on dad, never get up in the nights to comfort them, he'd be gone for work before they were up, in bed before he got home, only me putting them to bed, up when they are ill, off work when they are ill, take them to appointments, bath them, feed them.

The 50:50 will destroy them so young!

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Inliverpool1 · 23/03/2019 08:49

Destroy them 😳 you’re being dramatic... I actually believe the younger they get used to it the better tbh. I wish I’d rippped the plaster off sooner. The trouble is women putting the best interests of the children over finances ie get yourself back to work and start taking care of your future. finances allow for other things like a roof over their heads. Far more important than a bath to be blunt.

Original poster

Mami16 · 23/03/2019 09:04

Every situation is different but this situation yes it would destroy them being away from me from Thursday till Monday morning!

It's not about the money, money doesn't enter my mind, I work, I provide for them, 'dad' doesn't but again it's not about the money so I haven't asked him. He's meant to be a parent and should want to contribute.

What bothers me is their emotional and physical welfare. Going to a 'dad' that's not been there will leave them traumatised, they are young and not used to him.

I have absolutely no issues of 50:50 but not when they are this young

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