SISTER FIGHTING FOR MONEY AIBU

[Deni88]

In November we lost our Mother whom i loved dearly.
I have 3 children under 10 that I'm also trying to console. I have 2 siblings.

My mother left me in charge of her all her finances. My elder sister was not trusted by my mother for various and neither was my brother. My mother knew me to be a completely honest and fair daughter. I am honoured that my mother trusted me so much.

She left a few thousand pounds in my care. I had told both my brother and sister that once all the bills and various outgoings were complete I would equally divide up the money.
My brother had no issues with this and agreed this was the right thing. My sister's attitude towards me gradually changed. She became cold and hostile, freezing me out and her boyfriend became very rude to both my husband and I

She then demanded money from me for "clothes for the funeral to look sharp". It went from that to a visit from her on my son's birthday when she started swearing and slapped me across my face demanding that I split the money immediately. It was very upsetting. It's gone all quite Jeremy Kyle and I'm completely shocked at her behaviour.
I'm fustrated with my brother as he is sitting on the fence not wanting to get involved and his girlfriend is siding with my sister.
There are still pending items that are due to come out of the cash. I am still grieving my mum and feel close to break down over this disgusting mess. I paid some money into my sister's account to quiet her down, but her boyfriend recently threatened my husband for all money immediately.
I could never believe that she could behave like this over money, when we are suffering a huge loss. AIBU, did I do the right thing??? AIBU to want to cut her off for ever, because right now I feel I no longer want her in my life.
Sorry for the long rant, it's been a really dreadful time.

@Deni88 I think the way people ACT around money that isn't even theirs is absolutely disgusting my nan stated in her will she wanted her money to be split between her son and daughter and if one was to die the full amount would go to the other child, my uncle stopped speaking to my nan for 6 months!!!! And made her change her will!!! He knew he would die before her due to health problems and made it so his half would go to his children! His children that have never bothered with my nan in all the years they have been grown adults, they haven't even rang her since my uncle died over a year ago ... now I have to take my poor old ill nan to write a new will because he thought his children were entitled to money that isn't his in the first place 🤨

Id cut her out of your life all together and have her done for assault & her boyfriend for threatening your DH

Its a very distressing time for you but you must hold on to the memories of happier times. Easier said than done I know.

In the meantime, as others have said you need to get an account of all you Mum's income and any outgoings you have paid through her account/money. Bank/PO income, receipts, bills etc and e-mail copies to both siblings - that way you are providing a clear paper trail of dealing with any monies/debts to be distributed.
Its sometimes its the lack of clear information at difficult times like these that cause the problems between siblings.

Your earlier post stating
'certainly wasn't told I have no authority to deal with my mother's possessions or money' sounds a little controlling.
But were you told you had the authority?
You really need to apply formally to administer your late mother's estate. This can be done online.
TBH about the PC I would forget it - honestly life is too short and you need to focus on getting paperwork done to ensure you can pay undertaker etc.

@lynxca16 I was advisedthat I need to keep a paper trail. I need to produce ID and certificate at Bank. As the money is in cash.

@lynxca16 definitely agree you about the PC. it hurts about the photographs but I do need to make a break from them ASAP as it's making me feel ill.

Do any legal professionals here know when stealing from the estate becomes a police matter. Is it always a civil matter, even if hundreds of thousands of £'s might be involved and the money is being sent overseas.

Could you not say the until the pc is found and the photos shared fairly then no more finds will be released. Say that out of the estate the cost of duplicating photos and a replacement pc will happen if they don't play ball.

Could you not say the until the pc is found and the photos shared fairly then no more finds will be released. Say that out of the estate the cost of duplicating photos and a replacement pc will happen if they don't play ball

Yes - as one of them won't want to pay for the computer and pictures the other one has taken.

It is so distressing to have this sort of dispute in the family after a beloved relative has died.
Money brings out the worst in some people.
It also brings to the forefront of the mind about what to do in our own Wills.
After all the struggles of dealing with grabby people, I have decided that they will be at the very back of the queue (if at all) when I go.
Being grabby is not a nice trait and in this case, has limited any hope of future money.

Could you not say the until the pc is found and the photos shared fairly then no more finds will be released. Say that out of the estate the cost of duplicating photos and a replacement pc will happen if they don't play ball

But how does the OP know her mother didn’t promise the photos and the computer to the sister’s family? None of this was written down. We’ve only got the OP’s word that her mother didn’t want the sister to deal with the finances.

Her boyfriend and his girlfriend can butt out. It has nothing to do with them. You have been generous enough to pre pay before things are settled. Threatening and assaulting you is not going to speed things up. She needs to wait. Best get all the paperwork back and check it has been actioned correctly.
As to the stolen items and they are stolen, demand they are returned otherwise you will be deducting that amount from the settlement. At this stage your sister has chosen to be an arse so it is up to you whether you think this can be recovered. My thoughts are probably not. Check her jewellery box and make sure none of that has disappeared. It would be nice to think the three of you can sit down and divide things up but that is a dream as she has a key (which I would get back If possible) and a strong sense of entitlement.
Sorry for your loss, ok. Death brings out the worst in families.

@FamilyOfAliens sorry don't like the implication here. My mother openly discussed financial handlings in my sister's and brother's presence.
Regarding the PC, an old battered tower has materialised inside a big box of old printers and a old tower with various leads and plugs....
My mother is so desperately missed and needed by me now. I'm just about to walk right away from this sickening situation.

No implication intended. I’m speaking as an outsider and how it might look from your siblings’ point of view.

It’s such a shame your mum wasn’t advised to write a will, as all of this uncertainty could easily have been avoided.

Complete waste of money and effort going through probate and using a solicitor if it isn’t legally required and it isn’t if the assets are sums of less than £15000.

Debts including the funeral have to be paid first. Stand your ground OP.

OP, please listen to posters telling you that his all has to be done legally.

“You can’t just take control when someone dies intestate. It doesn’t matter what you say your Mum said about what she wanted if nothing is in writing”

A child of the deceased can administer the estate as long as the rules of intestacy are followed. If the assets consist of a small amount of cash, Letters of Admin aren’t needed.

@FamilyOfAliens The sad thing is we are the most unlikely family this could have happened to. My mum didn't leave a will because she didn't dream this could ever happen.

@ Imissgmichael I did receive legal advice and they said I don't nend a letter of administration either.

“You still haven't said whether you have formally applied for administration.... I assume you haven't in which case you're on very shaky ground legally”

Nope.

I know OP I’m agreeing with you. When my dad died the family solicitor advised my DM that Probate wasn’t needed despite a Will because their home passed automatically to her and any money in DF sole accounts was less than £15,000.

There’s a lot of misinformation on here.

@Imissgmichael Things are hard enough at the moment dealing with this huge loss of my mum, then I have the children, I work part time, and now this horrible situation with my sister. Glad I don't need to run around trying to find a solicitor too

Yes there is a lot of misinformation. So many piling on to say it's not legal but a quick Google check on smaller amounts will reveal that it is legal.

The op has said twice she got legal advice and even a letter of administration was not needed.

Some people cannot see past their own situation.

Op I'm sorry for your loss, continue what you have been doing, give them paperwork and updates. Get it all settled as quickly as you can which can be slow when waiting on outside organisations but do your part as quickly as possible.

Then go low communication with your brother and no communication with your sister. I don't think there is any coming back after her behaviour towards you. She is totally out of order.

Keep asking your brother for photographs, perhaps arrange to go together to get them copied so you will have a set also. Ask if he will do the same for you and copy the pictures that your sister has.

Good luck op.

I'm afraid that the lure of inherited money can bring out the worst in some people OP, and I'm sorry you are seeing this from your sister.

@flirtygirl thank you

It is very sad that you are having this horrible experience. I am not trying to take sides anywhere but there are some inconsistencies here.
Was the house rented or owned, as it would appear from your postings that it is still not cleared. If it was rented, how have the keys not been handed back yet, or are you still paying the rent.
You say you gave your sister your mothers' 'policy'. What policy was this and how much was it worth? Has it been paid out, if so where has the money gone? . Have the final power readings gone in yet - as it is unclear from your posts if the property is still accessible.
Why has the funeral bill not been settled in full ?
How much cash was left 'in your care'. Was it all in the bank account, or was it separate cash?.
It is very confusing because you mention ' a few thousand pounds'. This I would interpret as less than £3000 -£4000. A large amount of this would have been the cost of the funeral ? . How much is left now.? What was the 'policy' for. How much was it and where is the money now ?

Post a bit more factual info please.

Allmy the OP has already stated she’s been legally advised that probate and LOM were not needed and that the siblings have been given copies of everything.

As her siblings were arguing the toss about the funeral bill after being given the insurance policy I’ve assumed that it was a funeral expenses policy. Could be wrong though.

The OP should only distribute what’s left after being satisfied all the bills have been paid. I recently dealt with probate, but used a solicitor, and had to chase the funeral director for a bill 2 weeks after the funeral. Other firms were even slower although they knew they were holding up probate.

It doesn’t matter how the cash was held. If the banks have treated this as under the amount for probate and the siblings have been provided with a paper trail, why do you need this information?