SISTER FIGHTING FOR MONEY AIBU

[Deni88]

In November we lost our Mother whom i loved dearly.
I have 3 children under 10 that I'm also trying to console. I have 2 siblings.

My mother left me in charge of her all her finances. My elder sister was not trusted by my mother for various and neither was my brother. My mother knew me to be a completely honest and fair daughter. I am honoured that my mother trusted me so much.

She left a few thousand pounds in my care. I had told both my brother and sister that once all the bills and various outgoings were complete I would equally divide up the money.
My brother had no issues with this and agreed this was the right thing. My sister's attitude towards me gradually changed. She became cold and hostile, freezing me out and her boyfriend became very rude to both my husband and I

She then demanded money from me for "clothes for the funeral to look sharp". It went from that to a visit from her on my son's birthday when she started swearing and slapped me across my face demanding that I split the money immediately. It was very upsetting. It's gone all quite Jeremy Kyle and I'm completely shocked at her behaviour.
I'm fustrated with my brother as he is sitting on the fence not wanting to get involved and his girlfriend is siding with my sister.
There are still pending items that are due to come out of the cash. I am still grieving my mum and feel close to break down over this disgusting mess. I paid some money into my sister's account to quiet her down, but her boyfriend recently threatened my husband for all money immediately.
I could never believe that she could behave like this over money, when we are suffering a huge loss. AIBU, did I do the right thing??? AIBU to want to cut her off for ever, because right now I feel I no longer want her in my life.
Sorry for the long rant, it's been a really dreadful time.

"They have seen the bills and demands for money themselves."

I think what many of us are saying is that that's not really enough, @Deni88.

You need to start from day 1, and record every asset and debt, with evidence, as you go. So, for example, death registration charges; funeral charges; bank account balances debit or credit; pensions still to be paid or re-paid; insurance policy pay-outs; final utilities/council tax/rent accounts; your sister's advance payments; and so on. Record in detail, gather the evidences/receipts/final bank statements/etc, and give a full set of photocopies to each sibling.

Not just to get the job done, but also to protect yourself (especially given how your sister is behaving). That way, if your sister ever challenges your actions (and she can) it is already all properly done and transparent.

It does all take time, and I don't think you are taking too long.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Just hear to echo others' remarks, if your mother left "a few thousand", won't that have been eaten up by the funeral expenses, so there's not likely to be much left in any case? Make sure your sister understands that anything you give her now will be deducted from what she receives at the end, but I would also tell her you can't give her anything until all the other bills are paid, anyway, because you have no way of knowing how much will be left and you obviously can't count on her to repay you and your brother if she has been over paid.
Good luck, I was the executor of my mother's will and it took the best part of two years to sort out the probate - I employed a solicitor, with my brother's agreement, as it was an incredibly slow and thankless process. So your family's expectations of it all being done and dusted since November are quite simply ridiculous.

It went from that to a visit from her on my son's birthday when she started swearing and slapped me across my face demanding that I split the money immediately.

AIBU to want to cut her off for ever, because right now I feel I no longer want her in my life.

Definitely not.

Its rally upsetting how some people go on when a family member/friend dies. When my grandma died, the people going to the funeral gathered in her house first, and a load of people started aksing what they could have! It was disgusting really, my poor mother..shes usually not backwards in coming forwards and if it was any other day than the funeral of her mother she would have gone down their necks. As it was, she said that if there was anything that was personal to them that they would like as it would remind them of her, they could take it. Well, the house looked like it was burgled with how little things were left. All of the valuable stuff mind, nothing like photos or whatever like my mum meant. I was only 12 so couldn't really stand up and tell them they were fucking disgusting...walking backwards and forwards to their house carrying TVs and such!

@ Vixxxy in regards to my mother's belongings that's another upsetting story. My sister and brother took all of the family photo albums not leaving me not one picture. I asked my brother if he could please give me some photographs weeks ago. I haven't received one yet. Also, my mum wanted to give my youngest child her PC. Both siblings agreed with this. But now the PC has "gone missing", and as I am not communicating with my sister, my brother is telling me he doesn't know where it is.. I'm just sick of all of this and want this all over with so I can greive.

I went through similar issues with my brother when my mum passed away. Her will was complicated and there was a lot we had to sort out in order to actually be able to follow the will at all (she was advised very badly and, IMO, her will was not legal as it stood when she died but sorting it all out would have been even worse so we went along).

My mum left her house to myself and my two siblings and it had tenants in it, I took over managing that which was a huge amount of work. We had to have a large amount of work done before we could put it on the market and we budgeted for that but we woefully underestimated the costs so the rent was going into an account to save for the work. I arranged all the complex work that had to be done which took over my life for months.

My brother didn’t leave me alone for the 18 months until it sold. My sister was the executor so he was on at her too. We all agreed that we would keep what was left of the rent until it sold in case of an emergency. Every week it was something else - his car broke down, he needed x or y. He’d had a £7k lump sum after she died which he blew threw quickly.

Best day of my life was when he insisted on the rest of his share of the rent and I gave it to him. The stress it had put on me was enormous. Funnily enough I’ve barely heard from him since.

I’d take the price of the pc out of your siblings money, see if it decides to ‘turn up’.
They are behaving despicably. I’m angry on your behalf.

The way you describe it seems all correct so why is she so angry, your brother is sitting on the fence and your sil agrees with your sister? There has to be more to it as otherwise it makes no sense they wouldn't be backing you up.

@swingofthings this is what makes it so devastating for me, because as I have recalled it as it is.

So have you asked your sil why she was supporting your sister whose been so horrible to you? What's her grounds?

I handed over the insurance policies to my sister to deal with to feel involved and included. My brother's girlfriend got involved in the arrangements and ended up haggling with the funeral directors trying to dispute the costs which were clearly fair. I became upset with her involment and asked her to back away. At first she was supportive of me handling the bills ect but I layer found out she was doing a lot of stirring between both my sister and I.

You still haven't said whether you have formally applied for administration.... I assume you haven't in which case you're on very shaky ground legally.

@titchy The implications are?

Similar happened to me when my Mom died a few years back. Although I wasn't executor of the will, my sister was & she actually stole all Mom's money! I had to walk away as it broke my heart to think that Mom trusted her, & she took advantage. I never imagined that this would happen to my family, I know how you feel op as I was so upset about what my sister had done that I couldn't grieve either. She had a an absolutely vile & vicious husband too who made threats to me, luckily my husband was bigger than hers

Ooops sorry, I posted by accident before I'd finished. I can't seem to find an edit button either. I wont ever want to speak to some of my family again. It's shocking what some people will do for a few grand. All the best to you!

Sorry for your loss OP.

Hang on in there, it’s not going to be easy but you’ll get to the end of it in time.

@GREATAUNT1 yes it's truly shocking I'm grieving twice over. My sister's boyfriend is a nasty piece of work, that's another thread in itself.

I'm guessing from your silence on the point that you haven't formally taken out letters of administration. That being the case, you have no authority to deal with your mother's possessions and money, and you need to sort this out as a matter of urgency.

@NCforthisoneb Thank you. Just wish my mum was here, this feels like a nightmare.

SaturdayNext oh I see. I did receive legal advice. Certainly wasn't told I have no authority to deal with my mother's possessions or money....

Is there a trusted impartial family friend you can trust to manage this? Or a solicitor?

The thing is your sister is thinking with her own head, in that if it were her managing this, she would not be fair about it, so she is assuming you aren't being fair, that is why she is behaving the way she is.

@OrigamiZoo I agree with you completely. Just miss my mum completely, she was my rock. I just feel so traumatised by all of this that I'm thinking I'm going to "pay her off" so she goes away and pay for the bills out of my own hard earned cash.

Oh, op, don't do that, because she will probably then accuse you of keeping your mum's money for yourself.
As others have said, make a proper account of incomings and outgoings, so that anyone can see that what you are doing is all being done properly and fairly.

I know this is very hard for you but I think you need to let them get more involved just so they can see what's happening to the money and bills

And I'm very sorry for your loss

@ssd I would appreciate any advice regarding getting them more involved. I gave them the keys to mums house and they took every photograph for themselves including the one thing I told them my mum wanted my youngest to have. I gave my sister my mum's policy to handle. I have been packing my mum's things on my own, they have each other excluding me, also excluding me from the autopsy report. I think I have been treated horrendously.

You have, absolutely. I really don't know what to advise, can you hand it all over to your solicitor and tell your siblings its being handled by them?