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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

161 replies

Crackerjackerknacker · 24/02/2019 09:11

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 24/02/2019 11:54

Worra I'm glad it's not just me, I actually can't believe some of the posts here.

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 11:57

I’m not saying it’s not abusive, it is and OP knows that. That’s why she posted!

ColourMeStoked · 24/02/2019 11:57

If op had posted that her dh regularly 'lost it' and also hit the dcs, responses would be to get him out of the house Hmm

continuallychargingmyphone · 24/02/2019 11:58

I am with worra and laguna

I understand people want to be supportive but it’s hard as we aren’t getting a full picture from the OP.

Yougotdis · 24/02/2019 11:59

I had an extremely abusive mother. It was a relief when she left home to be honest. My mental health improved massively

I don’t think your necessarily an abusive mother although what you’ve done certainly constitutes abuse. I think moving it for a set period of time would do you good. But it’s not due to the children and never tell them it is. It’s because your mental health has deteriorated that you need space not due to your children.

AlwaysTheLastToKnow · 24/02/2019 12:01

Get help/anger management/therapy

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 12:02

If op had posted that her dh regularly 'lost it' and also hit the dcs, responses would be to get him out of the house

Of course, and I have commented the same on countless threads! But if the DH posted posting himself seeking help that would be different.

IDoN0tCare · 24/02/2019 12:02

If the OP came on here and said she regularly lost it, but thought it was the children’s fault or she didn’t need help, of course she’d be flamed. She’s asking for help, to be a better mother. How is that comparable to an abusive parent who feels justified in what they’re doing? She has mental health problems, a child with SN and behavioural problems and a husband who lets her carry the mental and physical load. Tell me how that’s comparable to the abusive men that women write about on here.

No one, well except for one weird poster, is telling her that she’s right. Would you all just rather she left the children and got on with her life? She’s asking for help and we’re trying to give it.

BettyDuMonde · 24/02/2019 12:04

disability social workers are not there for children at risk though. They are there to put support in place for families who are under a lot of pressure because of bringing up a disabled child. in theory at least (in practice, no one gives a shit

Not disagreeing with you, but that was the reason we were given for being refused support 😬
Not sure if the criteria is different from council to council but ours is especially shit at supporting disabled and SEN kids - they spend more defending against EHCP related tribunals than they do on actually supporting kids. It’s all utter bollocks really.

My youngest has had some limited social worker support, but only through a charity (CLIC Sargent). Are there any similar charities that help with social worker support for SEN families? My son is an adult now but if such a thing exists it would be good to know about it to pass it on to other SEN parents.

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 12:06

IDoN0tCare

Couldn’t agree more. Imagine if she posted an innocuous thread a year from now about how she sees DC every second weekend. “Why don’t they live with you?” “Why did you leave them?”

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2019 12:07

Yes, she's asking for help.

But minimising her abusive behaviour towards her DC is not helpful. Not to the OP or to her family.

She's already on the way to getting the help she needs, which is a brilliant thing.

But whether or not she should move out while she is receiving that help, is what she needs to decide - hence all the minimising being unhelpful imo.

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 12:08

Op get a plan in place to support your care of them.

Chickychoccyegg · 24/02/2019 12:10

i think your best posting this on another board, it doesnt sound like you're an abusive parent, it sounds like you're a parent who's stressed, being pushed to the limits and losing control, in your situation i wouldn't leave, but i would be getting all the support and help i could get straight away.
Kids can push their parents buttons, being cheeky, not doing as asked etc so no point anyone making out otherwise, but you cant be losing control and hitting them, so get help asap!

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 12:11

I would “minimize” too in the face of being made out to be a violent abusive thug.
She’s probably stunned people took her up that way and is probably trying to rectify the perception to a more accurate discription.

I have a very dramatic turn of phrase sometimes, “lose it” for me could be having an edge to my tone the third time I ask DD to put her shoes on for eg.

ahhhhheckmecervix · 24/02/2019 12:13

Another one here saying you should go OP. I have two siblings with ASD and my mum couldn’t cope. She was constantly threatening to leave (even though their behaviour wasn’t anywhere need as bad as your DCs). She was a right martyr about it.

They may be upset if you go but in hindsight when they are adults they might think “it’s a good job she did”. I wish my mum had in hindsight but if I was about 8 I would have been distraught at the idea.

It doesn’t need to be forever. Just for a little while so you can sort yourself out. Hopefully this would enable services to try and get you more support (although I understand this is unlikely).

DishingOutDone · 24/02/2019 12:13

OP please listen to those telling you to post on SN boards, not AIBU - so many people who need help ripped to shreds on here. No one is saying its ok to shout at and hit your DCs but you need a plan of action to get proper help not people saying your kids hit computer screens with rocks. OMFG.

Report and either ask for this thread to be deleted or get it moved, or namechange and start again on SN.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 24/02/2019 12:13

Our council is the same, Betty. There is no support unless, well, someone is actually physically injured and needs hospital care and even then. I have friends who have had to have police involvement due to the child's PDA/ASD and even then, care packages and respite care and support plans are not forthcoming. There has been serious damage to social care in this country due to budget cuts and unless you're on the sharp end of it, you don't realise how much.

I'd look at moving out, OP. Might be the only way your family will get above a look in, even with SS support.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2019 12:14

I would “minimize” too in the face of being made out to be a violent abusive thug.

Oh have a word with yourself, you're just being really dramatic now.

Anyway, it's not the OP doing the minimising but some of the posters on this thread.

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 12:16

I dont think arguing over what minimising means helps op

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/02/2019 12:19

So every single person on here saying OP shouldnt leave because she needs support, I assume would be equally happy for a dad to stay as long as he was receiving support? Yes OP needs help but if she is unable to cope with the stresses of family life she needs to remove herself at least for the time being until such time that she can cope with it.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2019 12:19

Agreed Springwalk so instead of everyone making up their own stories about what lose it means to them, perhaps we should all listen to what the OP has stated losing it means to her.

In the OP's case it means "regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting)"

That's ^^ what applies here.

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 12:20

you're just being really dramatic now.

Well I did literally just say I had a very dramatic turn of phrase Grin

OP, as plenty of PP have suggested, report the thread and repost in SN.
As you can see AIBU isn’t the place for rational support Flowers wishing you and DC the best.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 24/02/2019 12:25

Sorry, my post was taken out of context. It was meant to be to the poster who said those who were calling it abuse were being hysterical etc. I was trying to say that given we don't know what type of hit it was it may well legally be abuse which would put paid to the accusations of hysteria.

Either way, the OP's behaviour is beyond the pale.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 24/02/2019 12:31

you're worrying about whether you're a bad mum - that means you must be a good one

I'm paraphrasing here, but I wanted to point out that the idea that bad/abusive parents never question themselves, and therefore the very fact of worrying whether you're a bad parent means you're actually fine is INCORRECT.

Many abusive people have phases of agonising about their behaviour, self flagellation, asking for reassurance, blaming themselves, etc. But they carry on with the destructive behaviour.

It's a comfortable assumption that "if you worry whether you're a good parent, that proves you've got nothing to worry about" but it's not necessarily the case.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 24/02/2019 12:42

I expect to be flamed for this, but I think you should leave if you are hitting your children because you can’t cope.